Wednesday, May 23, 2007

slam therapy

A conversation I overheard at Vida in Rosebank yesterday:

Guy: Let's slam our ex's.

Girl: Awesome. What have you got – hit me. Let's go ballistic.

Guy: OK. Mine is a manipulative slapper, who is insipid and useless, and insecure, and thus tries to be friendly with everyone to make herself feel better - and she is a dumbass going out with a spastic arrogant wannabe actor-marketing manager.

Girl: My ex has half a penis, with too many complexities to be deemed even sub-human. As well as a tiring, selfish demeanour whereby he only ever thinks of himself and his own needs, and all he cares about is his fucking life and no one else's, and is the most useless piece of pratt shit talker in this world. I talk shit, but at least it's fucking coherent.

And he has a saggy ass. And his legs, let's not talk about his stupid, beautifully irritating legs.
He is a religious bigot who actually is a useless, trite idiot with not much to give back to society.

Guy: This is therapy.

Girl: Quite.

Guy: I see her picture on Facebook and want to puke, not because she affects me, because she's a bloody idiot.

Girl: Mine's a bullcrap bullcrapper who talks the biggest load of shit in a verbose manner to show how fucking intellectual he is, when in truth he hasn't finished a book in three years. And is now he's potentially seeing some wallflower, who is a fucking idiot with the personality of a piece of rhino dung and a fucking large nose, with, let us not forget: a stray ginger gene what with all those freckles. And she smells funny.

Guy: Mine is pyscho and schizophrenic. She talks to angels.

Girl: My ex apparently designs houses for a living, but actually works on a mine dump in Joburg CBD with his stupid prick colleagues, who can't even hold a normal conversation. Designing houses actually equates to drawing a picture of a whole bunch of rooms, but talks like he's a fucking rock star but he's actually just a poor little rich boy with no clue about life or love and is a loveless bastard.

Guy: Bejeesum. You just took it to the next level.

Girl: Aren't our ex's mates? Yes they are! No wonder, it's because they THEY'RE BOTH SO VACUOUS.

(waiter interrupts them to ask if they'd like another coffee, or maybe a sedative.)

Guy: Maybe she likes his half-penis. My ex has bonked half of Joburg to make herself feel better for being fuckin' useless.

Girl: My ex would bonk half of Joburg if he wasn't such a useless self-righteous prick.

By now, I was openly staring in wonder.

Peas: Sorry chaps, don't mean to butt in, but can't help overhearing. Can...I join in?

Guy: As long as you bitch about your ex.

Peas: Oh, it would be my pleasure.

Girl: My ex has the worst upper torso I have ever seen on a man, with stringy arms, strange black chest hair that envelopes his nipples and, not one, but at least three spare tyres.

Guy: Mine has an odourous vagina. OK, I'm lying. But it felt good to say that.

Peas: Did she eat Nik Naks?

Guy: Yeah, why?

Peas: Cos my stupid, loud-mouth ex boyfriend once told me and my mates that Nik Naks give girls a smelly poen.

Girl: Your ex was always eating Nik Naks when I saw her.


Peas: One of my ex's ate Nik Naks too. He smashed them in his face. That's probably why his penis didn't smell like a bunch of roses either.

Guy: My ex bangs everyone to stay in shape, except she still has an ass the size of a bus.

Girl: My ex's ass is so saggy it's trailing on the floor AND he does exercise. Oh and he's going bald.

Peas: I have an ex whose legs would nearly break when I sat on him.

I finished my coffee and left. Feeling great.

Then I met up with Satan, Stalin and Adolf in Hell – had a few drinks with them, bonked Stalin senseless, had his spawn, high-fived Satan and thanked the big fat fuck for giving me the sensibility to realise that Earth is a place to go fucking crazy on.

See all you in the fiery furnace. It's going to be one helluva party, fuckers.


Anonymous said...

Excellent post -Chan.

Kevin Cadman said...

We meet on Thursdays to slate exs, talk about stupid people and then after we hold hands and sing 'Kumbaya' to kinda say sorry to the universe for being so mean. It's karma I tell you.

Kiff post :)

Anonymous said...

My ex is a self rightious, selfish wannabe do-gooder who only cares about herself, yet feels the need to act like a fkn nun and general doer of good deeds. Nik-Nak Munching SOD!!!

Darryl Kerigan, sweating in Delhi

Peas on Toast said...

Ta Chan :)

Kev - I just want to know, does it end up in an orgy afterwards?

Anon - love you guy

Champagne Heathen said...

Bitch! When I went to Vida yesterday they had some sorry ass story for me about no water, so no coffee. It was a sad moment in my life.

Maybe you three had just traumatised them into closing their doors for awhile.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - nah, we drank all the water. Sorry babe. ;)

kabintsimbi said...

ROLF...that little paragraph at the end facking had me on the floor! Nicely slotted in there Peas!

Kief post!!! Just hope that Karma doesn't come round & bite you in the bottom! Bite back...

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - Karma has been biting me in the ass since forever. I'm used to it. :)

boldly benny said...

Love it doll! Recently I was having an angry day and I was chatting to mate from London while shopping and kinda blurted out, "The selfish fucker never did appreciate me and chose to lead me on an emotional rollercoaster and then tell me he doesn't love me." Quickly spun my head around to see if he was near!
Then I thought, fuckit I don't care if he hears!

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - I think you should put it on a postcard and send it to him. :)

Revolving Credit said...

You guys all need to stay off the caffeine!

...and just hope that none of the ex's or their agents overhear the convo...

Dick said...

Ha, Ha Peas, nice post.. Now with such a vindictive mindset I want to know whether our planned meeting this evening has anything of planned constructive intent? ;) Or are you bringing a can of mace, a fly swatter and a camera to slap me around in your own creative way?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well since I only overheard the conversation, I sit with my head held high!

Dick - hi there! Nope, no vindiction here boet. I don't plan to spray you with mace or flyswat you in any bad way. Relax china.

Koekie said...

Those conversations are cathartic, except for when the bitching-recipient walks up behind you and asks what you're talking about. Never big on lying, all I could was look her in the eye and say, "you."

We don't talk much any more. Save me a spot in your corner in Hell.

Peas on Toast said...

Koeks - I've booked us a table. For these two strangers, me, you, and anyone else who wants to razzle.

hot pink flush said...

heh heh...
just realised as I finished reading your post I carried on with, "well my ex is balding, has dnadruff..." and then carried on to say some of the nastiest stuff in my head I have EVER thought!

thanks Peas!
one rocking post!

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - yeah, because we actually ove 'em deep down :)

Dandruff?? Lol

Come join us in hell, it's fun, promise.

Koekie said...

Sure as shit warmer than Jozi at the moment... or so I've heard.

Heddles said...

Fkn fantastic. Almost as good as accidentally including microscopic-penis owner on a rager of a bitchy group-mail about his microscopic penis


Peas on Toast said...

Koeks - yes, and the heat is free. So I heard.

Heddles - ooops.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaah, all of this is almost making me keen to get myself an idiot of an ex and join in. (If for nothing else, I am loving the idea of the free heat of hell at this FCKEN COLD moment).

Do dumb worthless ex flings/ scores/ potentials count too??

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - of course. Perhaps the two two strangers are still at Vida today...they'd be proud :)

Anonymous said...

Loved teh post! I'm a bit nervous to ask but ... seeing Dick?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - ha ha. We're meeting up for a "closure" coffee.

kyknoord said...

You had me right up to the end there. Satan was with me the whole time and I have photos to prove it.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - wha-eva. I high-fived him after bonking Stalin. Ask him, go on.