Wednesday, May 09, 2007

fruit of the loom

I have snake dreams. I have snake dreams that are so fucking real, I've found myself waking on more than one occasion, and in a half-comatose delirium, have stripped my sheets off – really believing there are snakes in my bed.

I'm crazy. You don't need to tell me, I know.

Maybe there are some Freudian theories about trousersnakes, but then again, Freud shnarfed the length of a diningroom table's worth of coke every day and also merged thoughts about his mother and sex.

I've had dreams where long, slithery snakes are writhing, wrapped around my neck, awaking screaming – terrified - convinced they were still there – but was too afraid to claw at my neck. Last night I had a typical one, one I've had before: millions of snakes in my bed, and millions of snakes in my room.

Except, last night there was a taipan on my pillow, or so my dream conducted. The taipan, native to Australia, is the most poisonous snake on Earth.
This creature's beady little eye was staring right into my face – in my dream – on my pillow.
I woke up SCREAMING. Jumped from my bed...and stripped my bed again.
Just how many pretzels short of a snack basket am I?

Maybe not as much as I thought. I have a friend who is frightened of fruit. Terrified. Gets uncomfortable when I say 'I can't believe Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin called their kid Apple.'

Here it is:
What happens to you when you see a piece of fruit?
I want to vomit. Fruit is just so disgusting. I want to park a tiger on the floor. Sometimes I just want to cry when I see, say an apple or something. I've mock charged at dinner parties before.

Shut up. Seriously? Any fruit?
I can walk through a vineyard. Grapes aren't as hectic as guavas. Oh God, I actually want to puke right now.

When did this start?
My mum tells me I ate fruit as a kid, but I've blocked it out. I think it kicked in when I was five. She once made me sit at the table for three days to eat an apple.

That's quite cruel. In light of the vomit-thing.
Yes. She's offered to pay for therapy.

What's the issue with fruit, if you get down to the nitty gritty?
The smell. I look at a piece of fruit and know the smell is coming. But even if I look at fruit from a distance I can smell it.

What do you do at dinner parties when there's salad for pud?
I ask them to pass the bowl around the other side of the table. Once I tried to pull my chair out as the bowl moved swiftly to the front of my face, and it got stuck on the carpet. I had to run to the bathroom.

Does the phobia extend to vegetables?
No. I can eat veggies.

Did you know tomatoes are actually a fruit?
Thanks for ruining tomatoes for me.

Sorry. Can I take it back? Tomatoes are really veggies?
Nope. Too late.

This conversation makes me want to cry.

What other fruity things can't you handle?
Fruit juice makes me want to hurl, strawberry gum makes me want to hurl, fruit-flavoured anything makes me want to hurl. But is good.

What do you do in supermarkets?
I avoid the fruit aisle. Haven't been past one in years.

Worst fruit, ever, like if you had a choice?
Guavas. Oh God, OK, I gotta go.


Kevin Cadman said...

That's utterly ridiculous!

Oh, and from Wiki:

Taipans are large (up to 3 metres in length), fast, highly venomous Australian snakes, one of which, the Fierce Snake, has the most toxic venom of any land species worldwide although it is not the most deadly. The taipan was named by Donald Thompson after the word used by the Wik-Mungkan Aboriginal people of central Cape York Peninsula, Queensland, Australia.[1]

At least it can't kill you!

Peas on Toast said...

Kev - au contraire my little beekcake.

They have killed before. And they will do again.

Jam said...

LOL! I have been the victim of many snake dreams. I cannot look at snakes AT ALL. Although I do like fruit. A lot.
Perhaps you had some really bad experience that involved fruit and need some hypnotherapy to unearth your underlying terror of it.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who can't look at cows...she's not a vegetarian or anything, just can't stand to look at them.
On a recent roadtrip, there was lots of freaking out and covering of eyes every time we came across cows on the road.
I found this all highly amusing although slightly absurd:)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - it's my mate with the fruit issue babe - and you're right - I suggested hypnotherapy! Snake phobias are normal in comparison, eh? ;)

Anon - cows! Hilarious! Bovine-a-phobia?

Third World Ant said...

I get that nauseous response to songs - most songs off the Dirty Dancing and Top Gun sounds tracks. Bleuuuuuch!

Jam said...

Reading too fast! I though you'd gone completely bonkers and I couldn't remember you being scared of fruit...

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - don't I know it. If I sing, does it help?

Jam - lol. I have no problems with fruit. But watch my mate's face when I pull out an apple in the middle of a club.

hot pink flush said...

I feel that way if I see someone chew plastic... spit and plastic together? ugh...ok...need to vom now!

please, people, please. don't chew straws or pens near me..

Peas on Toast said...

Hot pink - oh shame babe! I chew straws, but when in your fabulous company, I'll go behind the garden shed to do it. :)

Pencils. People who chew pencils. Gar-oss.

Anonymous said...

Oh hectic, I also have snake dreams! I spoke to a psychologist friend of mine and they said something about it either caused by worry about something you cannot controll, or by lack of nookie! You make your mind up? I went with the latter...

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oh boy. I'm going to go with lack of nookie. (99%)
And stuff out of my control (1%).

The dreams are terrifying, aren't they?

kyknoord said...

I'm guessin your friend didn't find anything funny in the Monty Python "pineapple" sketch.

Champagne Heathen said...

Fcking Monkey People.

Hate them.

Shiver when I have to see their special effects-created images in National Geographic or my Water-Torture movie; Planet of the Apes.

At least you don't get many monkey people in clubs.

ChewTheCud said...

I don't think I even know what a Taipan looks like. How do you know so much? Do you watch snake documentaries, looking for new nightmares?

Your friend sounds like a fruitcake ;) Did you cover fruitcake? Or berries?

Hot Pink - How about cuds? Can we chew those?

maurice said...

I too am parnoid of snakes.

i had a dream last week thursday about my partner getting bit by a cobra. i tryed to run away not help them and then the cobra attacked me to. then i woke up.

not cool.

Jam said...

Love the way Maurice deliberately spells baddly.

Betenoir said...

afraid...of fruit? I have a friend who's afraid of birds (any birds, even pigeons) but by comparison that seems almost... logical.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Carmen Miranda also haunts her dreams :)

Champs - lol. So no trips to the zoo eh? I disagree though - I've seen plenty of monkey people in clubs. And sadly, some of them I've kissed before :(

Chew - I know my enemy. I know more about snakes and what they can do to me than your average man on the street. The taipan has keeled scales, which means it's a rough snake, brown in colour.

Maurice - yikes cobras! My dream was filled with rinkhals' too. Although the rinkhals is unlikely to actually kill you, as it's venom is less potent than the usual cobra.

Betenoir - hectic! So I'm guessing the pigeons in St Marco's Square in Venice would be an ultimate no-go area. No trips to Venice anytime soon, I'd imagine.

Koekie said...

There is a very simple explanation to this nightmarish terror: you were Cleopatra in a past life!

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

i keep having dreams where I have to amputate legs off my own pets...

does it get worse than that?

Peas on Toast said...

Koeks - that explains why I love bathing in milk! You're a genius my friend! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Expensive - I don't think it gets worse dollface. That's pretty hideous.
Do you wake up screaming?

Betenoir said...

Peas: Every Wednesday we go for a walk through the company Gardens, and I spend most of the time chasing birds(and squirrels) away. It's our ritual.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - you should fashion her a bird net. A mobile net.
You can buy mosquito nets at Cape Union Mart - you just have to find a way of attaching it to her head...

Koekie said...

A fear of birds is a completely rational fear. Anything with hollow legs is the work of the devil.

Anonymous said...

For someone who doesnt like this site Maurice sure as shit spends enough time here. He can like to like it perhaps?

Inyoka said...

Fruit flavoured condoms could be the cure for your friend.

Fear of cows - Boviphobia.

I recently heard this definition of a cow.

Four stander uppers, four hanger downers, a swisher and two sticker outers.

Mmmm... It sounds much more impressive in an 'ampshire' accent.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - it's amazing isn't it?

Inyoka - hahahahahahah! Love it! Just love it! Boviphobia! But fruit flavoured condoms will make my mate hurl. (We've covered that ground)