Thursday, May 10, 2007

varsity blues

We were discussing Worst Case Scenario UCT varsity stories the other day.

Like the guy who went bush diving after a large night and nose-dived into a tap, unwittingly hidden by said foliage. Ouch motherfucker.

I was 19. I'd been at varsity for a grand total of three days, thoroughly enjoying the fruits of orientation week (snogging, boozing, etc, etc), when I got invited to a yukka party at a male res. (Yukka is vodka punch) My mate and I obviously drank a shitload, and then someone bought out the golf clubs.

One oke had the driver (the big guy with the largest, um head, on the end), under his arm, and swiftly turned, accidentally smacking me in the face with it.
It split my lip, but as I put my hand up to stop the blood, I found my front fucking tooth there instead.

It's midnight, and I suddenly I have no front tooth.
Un. Lucky.

In our inebriated states, my friend and I missioned off to find super glue, thinking this would solve the problem. Bearing in mind, my parents have spent a small fortune on my teeth – braces, headgear in Std 6 (oh my Christ), all wisdom teeth removed so that I don't get buck teeth, and a retainer in high school.

One of the more sober medic students stuffed me in his car and drove me to Groote Schuur, and once there, burst into the operating theatre asking for an 'emergency dentist', while some intern was performing his first triple by-pass, or the likes thereof.
Fucking inconsiderate, on looking back.

The tears rolled. I mean, have you seen Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber? And tell me, would you want to look like that for two and a half seconds?

No luck at the hospital. In the process, I lost my wallet, cellphone (at that stage an Alcatel – the beauty with the retractable aerial that looks like a grey brick), and my room keys.
I woke up, without a front tooth – oh wow, fitting into the Cape Coloured community already – in a random mate's room. Not remembering what happened the night before – completely disorientated, I drew in my first breath, but the exposed nerves of my half-tooth nearly made me pass out.

You haven't experienced loser's complex until you've:
a) woken up without your front chomper
b) lost your cellphone
c)lost your keys
d)Don't know where you live, and henceforth sleeping in another person's room
e)Lost your Bob T card with total month's riches of R500 – sufficient for a first year - somehow, with Barney's selling shots at R2, you got by.
f)with no clue what happened the night before – the last thing you remember are golf clubs

I found my room, discovered I had no key, no cell phone (and with R20 Pay As You Go airtime, some fucker got lucky), no clue – had to fork out thirty whole ront to the house committee to cut the bolt of my door.
Toothless and irate.

I asked my friend where my elusive front tooth was, thinking maybe they could botch my incisor back together somehow. She told me she threw it out the window, it was no good to me anymore. Beautiful. My tooth was on upper campus somewhere.

Phoned my irate mother in Natal who was so pissed off (“But your teeth Peas! Jesus, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PISSED OFF I AM RIGHT NOW?? What in God's name were you doing that you lost your front tooth?”) Golf, mum. It was organised by the vice-chancellor, GraŅ«a Machel, remember her?... as an organised team-building event.

She didn't talk to me for two weeks, only dispositing enough cash to get it the fuck fixed by a dentist.
I had to register my courses the next day. Without a tooth. I queued with my hand over my mouth. I chose my subjects with my hand over my mouth. (“OK, let's see: psychology, media studies, language, zoology, fine, whatever! I need to go to the dentist. Excuse me.”)

The dentist stuffed three large pins into my tooth to build a cap. He also injected me eight times in my palate for the pain, and before that stuffed a mask over my face with laughing gas. (It was a gas.)
After the dentist, I had to get my student card and picture done. Problem was, my entire face was numb and immovable. I drooled during the entire session, while my mates reminded me every five minutes: “Wipe.”
Lady: Student number please.
Peas: Hmmmph phhhive jusyrt phhree.
Lady: Fucking first year's. Always drunk.
Peas: Buh I NOT druh!
Lady: Face the camera please. And wipe your chin. There appears to be fluid on it.

I had to cancel my one and only FNB Bob T card from losing all my stuff, and get a new Alcatel.

Hideous, hideous.


Koekie said...

Oh dear god, I'm so sorry you lost a front toof - but thank you for that early morning guffaw!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah bummer. I got a nice fakey shines under UV light.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you passed up a golden opportunity to get crunk (with maybe a diamond inlay). It's not too late, though.

Anonymous said...

Hey peas, thats the best story ever! I have had a similar experience and know what a loser complex one can have when you are missing have your front teeth! I was smashed after consuming 6 brutal fruits and moving onto a bottle of wine at a mates house on George one night.I proceeded to slip on tiles, I had earlier split my drink on and basically concussed myself and broke about a third of both my front teeth off. I looked like a phenominal street child and was stuck way out in the middle of no one near George at 9.30 at night! My mother got a hysterical call and told me to chill out and phone back when i was calm - lovely mother she is. I have also payed for my orthodontists children to go to private school basically with all the orthodontics I had when younger. Anyways, was decided to stick the weekend out, my nickname was chip for about 4 days, and on returning back to cape town a lovely dentist solved my problems and I now have front teeth again! Luckily for me, only the people on the weekened , my parents and my dentist saw me like that...and there is no photo evidence!! But the LC when i got back to Cape Town on Sunday was huge and trying to explain the whole situation to my parents was special....glad to know there are lots of fake front toothed people out there!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oh my GOD! Chip??? That's hysterical. I totally get the LC component though. It's a real stinker :)

Kyk - I know. I should've got the whole down in gold, with two cubic zirconias (student budget) on the front two. Fuck, what a wasted opportunity!

Betenoir said...

a friend of mine (no names!) had a similar incident at cool runnings, after drunkenly attempting to prove her kickboxing prowess and forgetting that you need both legs on the ground. her boyfriend took hr home, tucked her in bed, and promptly broke up with her. she awoke with two black eyes, no front teeth, and the sudden realisation that she was single.

this was during honours year, mind you. at least you have the excuse of being young and carefree.

I would totally freak out of my teeth broke, btw. It's my most paranoid fear. that and my eyes being poked out.

man, this turned into kind of an essay. sorry.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - oh man. That's heavy - I think her loser's complex far outdid mine!

Anonymous said...

Jeez peas, that story got my coffee channelling its way through my nostrils onto my keyboard. for which my boss thanks you!

I simply have to know, though, what brought on this attack of reminisence? Lost a tooth lately? Playing golf instead of freelancing? Taking up dentistry as a new career? hmmm...curious

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - switch off your machine immediately and find a hairdryer. Otherwise Mr Boss will lose his rag. :)

We were just chatting about how we do stupid things when we're drunk, but the worst stories are always from varsity somehow. No golfing, no dentists - can't stand either. :)

ChewTheCud said...

Front tooth. Broken. Skateboarding. Tar road. Pain.

PS. If Godsgimp says anything about me breaking his front teeth he's a vicious liar ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Chews - yeeeouch. You didn't even have a little help from our old friend Vodka to help with the immediate pain.


Revolving Credit said...

Oh well, golf clubs, opening beer bottles, accidental headbutting, hitting the toilet bowl while trying to drunkenly puke; its all really the same isn't it.

The tooth marks didn't stay in my head for too long.

Yes, the good old days.
I haven't been bush diving in at least 2 months
(sorry about the irrigation system, my bad)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - BDA? You part of Bush Divers Anonymous.

I take that back. I've just realised you were talking about that kind of bush diving. My bad :)

Revolving Credit said...

Ok, exactly what type of bush are YOU refering to??

ChewTheCud said...

Rev - your irrigation system is dripping? Maybe you should have someone look at that ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ok, what type of bush diving were you talking about?

Anonymous said...

Remember the guy that thought his car had been stolen, but meanwhile he had parked it outside Steers in Rondies in an innibriated state and walked back to res...ha ha ha!

Peas on Toast said...

Poen- hahahahah! :)

Anonymous said...

got you pegged mrs peas. uct rondebosch type. all a bunch of idiots.

Peas on Toast said...

Really, Maurice? Would like to try again? I spent 3 years of my 26 year old life there.

Strike One.

Anonymous said...

what i was saying was that you were perhaps the tyype of person who while they were at univesity at uct were hanging around rondebosch at doiung that res crap that you seem so fond of talking about.

it strikes me as this being a very paticular type of person. And i would imagine that you would have been a bit like if not exactly like those people. i think.

And i mean other bloggers that i have read are like "when i saw some of my friends that i used to go to church with...." that also strikes me as a very particular type of person.

what the jist is is rthat alot of the people seem to be the same.

and remeber the "best years of your life are over"

Also another point.

how much you charging for naming your characters in your book. what i'm saying is if i wanted maybe one of your charters to be called maurice how much would you charge for it?

it is a practice that people like elmore leonard do and charge big bucvks and give it to charity. maybe you could use it to fuel one of your drinking binges- perhaos in the free state- and then in turn gert more fuel for your book.

ewhat you say.

Peas on Toast said...


Sorry mate. I concur.

Firstly, no offence, but my characters for the book are sorted. But thanks for the offer.

Secondly, I also believe in stereotypes, and I happen to love them.

But you have me filed under the wrong stereotype boet. Of course I loved my res/varsity days, but I wouldn't have me down as that.

PS: What if I have another friend in my book called Maurice? Will you sue me?

Peas on Toast said...

PPS: With the various complaints pertaining to my grammar and spelling, I'd just like to say thanks.

Your spelling - hilarious as it is - is pretty darn atrocious. And makes mine look sterling.

So when you starting a blog?

anonamouse said...

When I was a student at University of Natal-Durban, we used to play a game called the Tequila mile. Starting at the bar on top of the Blue Waters Hotel, we would have one shot of tequila in every bar in every hotel going south towards South Beach. If you made the Balmoral Hotel , you were declared the winner, and tecnically dead, with a blood alcohol level over at o,9 or higher.

I lost my car for two days playing this game. I didnt have a fucking clue where I parked!

I are wearing the jean pant said...

Peas, I dont think Maurice will start a blog, I think he's highjacking yours.

Peas on Toast said...

Lost Jozi - oh my hat, classic!
We basically just weaved across Main Road Claremont. Yours is way funner! :)

Jeanpant - I are thinking he is perpetrating a smash and grab as we is writing.

Revolving Credit said...

Just a comment for More-Ass.

Yes, we are of a certain type, as you accused Peas on being.

But lets label the type, shall we:



I are wearing the jean pant said...

I are thinking you should take your proverbial pistool out of your jean pant and point it at him...

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - 'Normal people' :)

Jeanpant - You know that konstabel that was parking on your stoep/driveway? That one that you can like to sing liedjies from his walkie-talkie? I'm gonna need his number.

I are wearing the jean pant said...

Konstabel KleinPiel? I are two-way radio-ing him for you as we speak :)

Peas on Toast said...

That's our man. Konstabel KleinPiel.
I have sequestered [sek-westet] his urgent assistance.

Anonymous said...

re starting a blog. not now, my highpowered job does not give me time to write all the time.

but soon maybe. although why would anyobne be intrested in my thoughts.

but i think you are doing a good job.

well done. (waving dildo)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Maurice. Quite the turnaround from 'this stuff is crap' eh?

timothymarcjones said...

more rice, please gooi a link to your blog

Anonymous said...

Fucking first year's what? And Grace Machel was the Vice Chancellor in 2000? Holy shit.


Anonymous said...

Love Uct stories!
A mate of mine recently found himself travelling for a nap over at a less than delecious looking female. In his booze filled state he awqoke to the reality of the monster that sat next to him and the deed he was about to do..

In his newly awakened state he told his future bed partner: "Do you realise you are batting way above your average tonight?"
He promtly removed himself from the moving vehicle and ran from main road as fast as possible, eventually arriving home at the wee hours of the next day (nothing quite like a bit of early morning exercise!)

He only discovered his rather large LC when we attended a eco's lecture the following monday morning and discovered that this "beast" (she really wasn't as horrible as claimed - the best way she could be described would be: in Barney's words a 15, you don't know if you should hit it or not) was in our ecos lecture and mates with most of our friends...
By association of course

neolithic said...

hey peas
had a gud laug!!!u lost a tooth, that's both sad and hilarious...sori?!

trung said...
This comment has been removed by the author.