Friday, May 11, 2007

an honest post

I met someone at Doc's party last night. A chick. Who has almost exactly the same relationship history as me – to the minutiae.
It's uncanny. This was amazing help for me, as I currently sift through my shit.

I describe myself as such right now: “A car that has been broken too many times, and now sits on bricks on the other side of the party, and is too expensive to mend.”

(Unless someone recognises the vintage antique Aston Martin in me, and is willing to fix me so he can show me off to his friends as his new 'classic car.')

Although she was a stranger, I knew her well by the end of the night. Also, unlike many of my support systems (friends, family, etc), she totally gets it. They may empathise, but they don't understand – not through fault of their own. They just haven't been there.

She has an ex of six years. I have an ex of six years.
She lived with hers for three. I lived with mine for three.
She left him because she'd had enough. I left mine because I'd had enough.
He pursued her for a year thereafter. Mine pursued me for a year thereafter.
Hers shortly found someone else and moved in with her. Mine shortly found someone and proposed to her.
She fell head over heels in love with her immediate 'rebound'. I fell head over heels in love with my immediate 'rebound'
He dumped her and left her crushed. Mine dumped me and left me crushed.
He dumped her because he didn't love her. Mine dumped me because he didn't love me.
She dealt with two break-ups at once. I dealt with two break-ups at once.

[Then we diverged slightly.]
Her rebound came back. Mine didn't.
But I found someone new, was incredibly happy – most of the time - then we parted on mutual terms. A month and a half ago.

For the first time in my life, I have no relationship prospects and don't want any. I've never been more alone, and more terrified.
But it's the only thing I can be right now, and I'm actually quite content. If a little subdued.

Two people said: “You've become reclusive. You leave parties early, and you're not the life of the party anymore.” (I know. I choose to. Small talk kills me these days.)

Girl above said: “After he proposed, how long did you cry for?”
(Four days solid. Non-stop. Then I got tonsilitis, couldn't get out of bed. So a good week, all in all.) “I'd have cried for nine weeks.”
(Luckily, I pulled myself together and remembered why I left him in the first place.)

Doc said: “Why you leaving so early?” (I'm tired.)

C said: “Will you be at least on form for my birthday party tomorrow? (Definitely.)

...and on that note, happy birthday for today The Poen, my fabulous, amazing mate.
And.
OK.
This takes courage. But happy birthday Dick, as it's your birthday today too.

43 comments:

Darren said...

Bravo, bravo, bravo!
You rock :)

Lost-in-Jozi said...

Same history as yours?
You weren't maybe pissed and talking to the mirror?

Peas on Toast said...

Darren - ta :)

Lost Jozi - surprisingly not. Twas at the beginning of the evening, only after one glass of wine. I have alibis :)

kyknoord said...

Four to one. That's all I'm sayin'

Anonymous said...

Peas...your post just made me want to weep I dont know why...I suppose I have travelled a similar road and know how tough and overwhelming it all it...but as I have said before

Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert...you wont regret it babes. GO AND PURCHASE THIS GEM!!

XXX all is not lost it will come together and that classic inside you will shine again.

Just know you are loved

*hugs*

Max

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - huh?

Max - hello sweetheart! Right, I will make it my personal mission to get that book.
Thanks for your comments. It's strange because I'm not unhappy, in fact I just feel sort of...calmingly empty. And it's not a terrible feeling really.

Am surviving. :)
xxx

Anonymous said...

the book makes amazingly funny, very honest references to what I think you are feeling (KNOW you are feeling!!!)...you wont put it down and then.....when you are a convert... you will dedicate a whole post to how wise I am... :P


XXX you are doing great chicken-pie!

DaveRich said...

I don't see you as a vintage car Peas. More like a shiny demo model just waiting to get back out there. Great post as usual?

Peas on Toast said...

Max/Anon - thanks dollface. I just might! :)

DaveRich - wow, thanks babe! Do you get 3 litre Ford Cortina demo models anymore??
x

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

"For the first time in my life, I have no relationship prospects and don't want any. I've never been more alone, and more terrified."

-- I have relationship prospects, but I'll never be alone for the rest of my life. Not once I've hatched this kid. It's going to be me, the kid and the father. For the rest of my life. And that terrifies me....

That's definitely one very expensive mistake...

Peas on Toast said...

Expensive - fair enough. I can't pretend to understand how scary that is, as it's so far out of realms of reality. But best of luck through all of it my dear.
xx

Revolving Credit said...

Be careful with the car analogy.

Though guys love cars and would be proud to own a vintage classic, most discerning car buyers are going to want to check under the bonnet and take it for a test drive before contemplating an actual purchase.

You know, give it a thorough hammering on the road to see if there are for faults.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - in that case, perhaps if after a thorough test drive, someone can sponsor my car-ass to be displayed at a vintage car museum.

You're absolutely right: vintage cars are high-maintenance and costly.
Unless the guy is dedicated to the project at hand, it probably wouldn't work.

Revolving Credit said...

Would you rather be a car that stands on display whole day doing nothing except getting the occasional wax to keep you looking good or would you rather be frequently taken on the open road and ridden long and hard.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well what do you think?

But for the moment, a wax and shine will do until I can get my spark plugs and shocks redone, and general engine overhaul, which should take a few weeks.

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like you be ridin' dirty!

Revolving Credit said...

Need a lube job???

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Rev. But lube isn't the reason my engine has failed me.

My speedometer is not working.

Revolving Credit said...

What type of classic are you? Are you a convertible?

While you're not being ridden and on display, can I practice taking your top down???

tuberider said...

Well if we're shopping for cars:

Dear Sir,

thanks for your enquiry at designerGirlfriend.com.

I regret to inform you that we are unable to source a girlfriend to your exact specifications.

We have a limited stock of some factory-damaged girlfriends with slightly charred humour and blackened charisma - but the heart and spine are unfortunately beyond repair.

As for girlfriends with steel spine and heart of gold we have never yet offered this combination. Our technical design team believe these can indeed be made to order, but we think it would require a strengthened subframe and additional welding. Legal requirements would also require us to fit it with front and rear airbags.

However we need to make further enquiries with our courier as the overall structure may exceed their shipping weight limits. It would be a great frustration to design such a perfect girlfriend, only to find you can't have her!!!

However, I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of our up-coming launch of the iGirl range this summer. These are extremely firm but lightweight girlfriend models, finished in realistic user-definable skins. What's more, they feature the latest version of our BirdLogic software which has undergone extensive tests with young males.

The new blokeOmatic operating mode of BirdLogic 2.0 proved extremely popular, with most males reporting that their iGirl was more predictable and less prone to pointless shopping. Furthermore, custom filters allow the owner to further refine behaviour, such as eliminating the patterns DISCOUNT or SALE from the VisualProcessing engine.

I'm sure you'll agree that the cost of these options will be paid back many times over in savings during your ownership of your iGirl!!

The modular architecture of iGirl allows you to add enhancements and tailor her to your exact requirements - for example, add the "slapstick humour" module and we'll throw in a free "parking assistance" module. We have a range of modules covering intelligence, trivia, charisma, self-worth and feistiness - although we expect high demand for feistiness, so it's wise to order early.

And do remember our 30 day guarantee policy. If you are not entirely satisfied with your iGirl, you can return her undamaged (both physically AND emotionally) within 30 days with no quibbles, recriminations, backlash, revenge or stalking. I'm sure you'll agree, you won't get a better offer elsewhere.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Duncan Disorderly, CEO designerGirlfriend.com

(written by a friend of mine in response to my GIRLFRIEND WANTED blog)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - no questions about it. I'm as convertible as they get.
;)

Tuberider - hahahahaha! Wow, classic reading. Can he do one for me too? (When I'm ready for an iBoy that is.)

Revolving Credit said...

So you're saying that your top come down quite easily.

You know that to overhaul your engine some mechanic is gonna have to get in uder your bonnet and get his hand dirty.

There's bound to be a little wrenching, a bit off screwing & un-screwing, a few nuts may be tightened and he may well top you up with fluid.

Peas on Toast said...

Oh God.
See? This is how I know I'm not ready.

Running. Running away!!!!

Revolving Credit said...

How could you do that?

I thought you engine wasn't running???

Revolving Credit said...

Would it help if we found you a female mechanic??

Revolving Credit said...

Or if we bougth you a book an DIY-Automotive Repair.

Then you could fiddle under your own bonnet.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I'm not here. I ran away.

Revolving Credit said...

OK, just run to the nearest internet cafe and post an update.

ChewTheCud said...

Bwahahaaha - Rev! How can you tell its Friday today? :P

Classic. Peas would be a convertible French car though. You know what they say about French engineering ;)

Citroen, Peugeot or Renault?

Jam said...

Love conincidences like that since they make you feel like you're not alone. But you're not alone. Right now, I think being on your own is excellent as you can spend much time working out who you really are and what you really want. And when you know that, then with luck the knight in shining armour may appear! But what the hell... you're still young, and luckily you haven't fallen into anything that is irreversible. Also - on the life of the party thing - you're the life of life. Just because you don't stay late or drink up a storm, does not make you any less interesting or wonderful than you are....xxx

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - still running china.
About 30 k's now.

Chews - nah mate. Half French and all, French cars aren't the work of craftmanship. German cars - now you talking.

Jam - thanks my little belter. What a lovely comment. xxx

maurice said...

wow. you really run into interesting people at parties and really talk about interesting stuff.

sounds like your ready for a lesbian relationship with that really interesting person you met at that party.

And i'm sure she went to uct and did the same crappy res stuff at you.

if and when you guys move in together you can get a dog and call it maurice or if its a girl LaShawna.

thanks

maurice

Peas on Toast said...

Maurice - saying "thanks" before signing off makes you a chav.

Champagne Heathen said...

Big virtual hugs to you!! I think you & I have completely opposite love lives. Mine are quick, intense, and gone before I got the guy's surname (That is an exageration, thanks!). Yours have been long (6 years! I will never get over that!) and deep and true dependent emotions really manage to get meshed together in there. So far you & I have learnt completely different lessons about this whole game.

Perhaps this is why with this post I finally understood where you are coming from. Why you think you are broken.

I've been rejected/ dumped/ batted by, and done the same to, a countless number of guys. Things not working with yet another guy does not exhaust me or stress me that it might mean I will be alone & shaggless forever. For me it is par for the course. One day something will be different with one of them. Or a few of them.

I now think I am starting to understand why you don't view your world like this right now. While I do think you should take a time out on the whole "game" for a bit, and toy with yourself (ja ja, I mean mentally & emotionally as well as the bushwacker!). But also, maybe just see it all how you would imagine I might be seeing the world.

I don't think you are in the slightest way broken. I think you are only just beginning. Ok, maybe a third of the way into it.

(This might mean also, that I can then get your perspective on things & maybe end up with a guy long enough to have quite a few years of regular monogamous sex!! Wouldn't that be sweet!)

Hugs again. Hope I made sense.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - wow, thanks my friend. Yes, I think you and I have had some vastly different experiences. And we can definitely learn a thing or two from each other.

And thanks for giving me new perspective on the whole deal - it helps me to see it through new eyes.

xxx

ThomG said...

Peas. All part of "growing." Not up, just growing to a place where you know yourself. And knowing yourself is the key to attracting that right person to enter your life.

kabintsimbi said...

Hey Peas...good on you for being big about the whole birthday thing & wishing Dick!

I hope all the men that lost you realise that they lost (what appears to be) a really great woman! In the end, you will only be better off & happier with a Prince Charming.

Right, nuff said re: soppy stuff...love the post below about losing your front tooth! Shit, has brought back some hilarious memories!

Rock your funbus!

Heddles said...

Hi Peas,

There's no real way of avoiding the crazed fan/stalker vibe when I say, smashing blog.

Have been out of the Jozi loop for a while and hell's teeth, you know how to make a gal homesick.

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - thanks my doll. Rocking the funbus something epic. :)

Heddles - thank you thank you my dear!

Don't miss home too much, JHB is overrated at the moment, I promise. xx

hot pink flush said...

why do i feel like it's time for a bloggie girl's night?

Heddles said...

Thanks bruv. Considering becoming a strap-on in the odd future string of comments. Innit.

Nessers said...

From reading your posts for about 8 onths now I think you need to start recognising a rebound for what it is. It's not ever going to turn into something more than a really good shag for "X" amount of time. Accept it for what it is and then you won't be hurt or surprised when it ends

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