Wednesday, June 20, 2007

accident prone

You know when you're surprised you're not dead?

I'm not talking angst and emotional duress-dead, I'm talking when your coords go to the Maldives for a holiday and you start slamming fingers by mistake/tripping over the cordless phone/become a hazard even when you're sober?

And you're surprised you're not dead – because the ladder you walked into with the 5 kilogramme barrel of blue paint on the top didn't fall down and kill you?

Yesterday, holy Jesus.

1)I toasted my tits. The griddle marks have disappeared thanks to the guys over at Camphor Cream Inc. Making myself a snakwich for lunch, minding my own business, whistling Alison Moyet's Is This Love? at reasonable frequency, and the snakwich fell – heated and ready to toast – onto my bosoms. The bloody machine sits on top of the microwave and is at the same level - unwittingly - as my shoulders. It slammed down as I hoisted my cheese zarm into it. And slapped down on my boobies.
Yeah, a sizzlingly ouchy experience.

2)I got engaged. That was an accident. Luckily it was a fake engagement. Right?

3)I knocked half my shower gels off the side of the bath and they came clattering down on top of me – the big bottle half-winding me in the stomach.

4)On moving a book shelf, I crushed my toes under it and simultaneously was finger-slammed by the cascading lava lamp.

5)I saw some of my guy mates in dribs and drabs last night. What would've been accident prone was to kiss the one of them. We've already had a double napover in the last month, so actually – I was sensible. And didn't lunge. Because that just would've been disastrous, if I ran, again. I can't take the risk until I know I won't run for sure.

6)Asking two very stupid, stupid things and feeling like a right tit afterwards. A real koekemoer, who should just hide in the jungle forever and eat vines and co-habit with gorillas and stuff. Like Diane Fossey. Wait, she goes nuts at the end of Gorillas In the Mist. Whatever, even that sounds great.

Not too bad for a day's work really.

I'm not the only one who is accident prone. My mate Robbie went to a 21st a few years ago as the wrong Robbie.
He kind of knew the person and was like, “oh bless, I cracked an invite – sure I'll go.” And he pitched, but half the people wondered who this random punter Robbie was. When they were clearly expecting someone else.

That is taking accident prone to the next level. That's fine tuning it into an art.

Crappola. Shouldn't have had that [divine, it tastes so good on my lips, juicy, warm, comforting] bottle of merlot last night.


Anonymous said...

Does cracking a glass coffee table whilst table dancing on it qualify as an accidenet?

Peas, I know you've probably heard all the crappola remedies out there but I've got it. I've not only mastered the art of Phuza but I have the perfect Phuza Face Cure.

Rehydrate - Yip, that stuff you usually take after a bout of embarressing illness. Seriously, think about it. Hangovers feel so bad becasue you are dehydrated and your body is depleted of all things good. Rehydrate re-hydrates you and puts all those elctrolytes back where they should be.

Believe me, try it!

Peas on Toast said...

Sam - babe, you'd make a good sales lady, lady! :)
I've heard Rehydrate does the trick. Before and after boozing. I need to get me some of those sachets!

And yes breaking a glass coffee table tops mine 100%!

Da Mario said...

Shame Peas... you must have an angel looking after your every move to still be alive...

Peas on Toast said...

Da Mario - you must be right. And all those times I've driven way over the limit as well. *sheepish blush *.

kyknoord said...

Having a Jane Austen moment are we?

Betenoir said...

um...that kinda sounds like an average Tuesday to me...but then "accident prone" is my middle name.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - If you can hook me up with Mark Darcy, then absolutely. :)

Bete - EVERYDAY? This kind of stuff happens to you every day??
Dude. That's heavy!

hot pink flush said...

having a similar pahse - mine is due to new medication - feel like a walking disaster area, and amazed that i havent been sent home for impersonating myself!
also amazed that i havent had several car crashes on the way to work ...yet!

Revolving Credit said...

Toasted tit bits for lunch..mmmm

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - oooh yes. On my way home last night I alsmot crashed into a Mini Cooper. That would've been expensive. :(
Good luck babe. xx

Rev - Your favourite right?

Revolving Credit said...

"We've already had a double napover in the last month"


Peas on Toast said...

Rev - not quite. Far less kinky than that I'm afraid :)

Revolving Credit said...

Are you trying to imply that you drank a bottle of merlot by accident!!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - yes. All drinking I do is purely by accident. Which means all behaviour thereafter is null and void.

(This should be a disclaimer)

Betenoir said...

peas- seriously, I hurt myself, cut myself, break things, drop coffee on my lap- the other day I sat down on muddy grass in cream pants-last year on my birthday party I ran full tilt into a chain strung across a driveway, and woke up in the morning with a bruise on my thigh bigger than my hand.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete...back the fuck up - you ran into a chain strung across a driveway? Oh my ouchmotherfucker!

charmskool said...

When Betenoir was a kid she broke her nose getting into a car, she broke her finger catching a ball, she broke her neck doing a bollemekiesie. She comes from a long line of clumsies. Her mother broke her nail falling downstairs and had a blackout and knocked herself unconscious on the way down and cracked her butt!

Peas on Toast said...

Charmskool - eish, and you hang around this lady???
I'd take out personal insurance if I were you :)

On that have more than just a hospital plan right?

8Ball said...

'ello darlin'

I'm starting to believe in Karma. My life has been considerably rosier since I started to toe the line (well toe the line a bit more than I used to)...could it be? Could Karma be biting you in the arse due to a certain fake engagement to a certain big TC...amongst other indiscretions

I think so.

You are going to have to make a list..
My Name Is Peas

Peas on Toast said...

8Ball - Well karma has been biting me in my bottom for well over a few years now. I think karma is done, and at the risk of making karma angry, I'm going to assume I'm just a clumsy idiot a the moment :)

8Ball said...

PEASY!!! Don't tempt her...Jesus man, no worries I will appease her

An Ode to Karma

Perhaps cos you've been smoking much dube
Or perhaps cos you swore during Ruby
You have a grilled tit
So you must admit
Only Karma would toast cheese with your boobie

Peas on Toast said...

8Ball - But does karma equate to luck? Cos I heard that people make their own luck.

But ok, will treat Karma nicely in case she gets annoyed :)

Antoine said...


Lava Lamp?

It is the question said...

Toasting yer tit...


I'm sorry, I can't stop giggling. There is definitely a sadist side to me.

But please, you have to do this. Write to the Chinese manufacturers complaining that nowhere on the warning label does it warn about the tit dangers. Oh my oath I'd love to see their faces!

I'm with 8Ball on the Karma:

My hard drive crashed
I got robbed
The robber came back for more
And I dropped my cell phone in the bath.



Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - you know, those porno 70s style lamps with the moving wax?

IITQ - I could you know. Whose the top guy at Kenwood?