My mate The Dove decided to descend on my person yesterday, her personal love advice.
She knows me well, but actually thinks she can steer me towards 'bo-ho' men. And reckons these types will be my saving grace. Frankly put, I really don't think so. They're really not...me.
Right. As one of your best mates, it's only fair I give you straight-up advice. This is what I think:
1)Go hang out in Melville/Newtown/somewhere that might contain some species other than those who find rugby and statistics fascinating.
2)Avoid the ones who look like they purposefully slept in a dustbin and rubbed their hair in dog crap before going out for the 'naturally bohemian' look - they are fakes.
3)Avoid those who claim that drugs are good for you as they 'open one's mind'
4)Avoid those who wear wrist bands and leave their skateboards at the door
5)You won't find these types at Manhattan's, or lurking outside the JSE. So you need to stop going to the vomit-pit, for Christ's sake.
6)And most importantly - don't just go for anyone who might show you some affection.
I thanked her, politely declined – mainly because I like my men more sort of...straight down the line, if you will. And the one's I go for are in financial, law, engineering or IT fields. And wear collared shirts and have a clean-cut face.
Asked her how her latest shtoink was going.
Dove: Well we met for coffee, and later we...
Peas: [Sigh] You pomped him senseless.
Dove: Well no. After having an actual conversation with him, I realised he is about as exciting as a wet day in Milton Keynes when the pub's closed. He is the only person who I have absolutely - and I mean absafuckinlutely - have nothing to say to. So....no. When I left, I texted him, and said 'Hey, if we're ever in the mood for it, maybe we should just stick to sex, 'cos our conversations go nowhere....'
Peas: That's pretty blunt, dude. You might have just lost the buddy in your fuck buddy.
Dove: Buddy? I'd have a better friendship with the Spanish chef on TV that I watch occasionally and don't understand.
Peas: Maybe I should introduce you to some people who can hold a conversation?
I had dinner last night with C4 and the girls. Twas lovely. Topic of the evening? Orgasms.