Friday, July 13, 2007

a letter to my children

I found a letter I wrote to my [not so future] children back in third year varsity.

27 September 2002
Hello my darlings

This is your mother. She's just come back from a bernder [sic] at Green Man, so pardon mummy for being a bit tanked.

By the way, if I ever ctaching [sic] you chundering in the gutter outside Green Man, while I am paying for your law/medic/ engineering degree, (you will be prodigal genii), I'll send you to Wits. You've been warned.

This letter is to tell you how much I love you. Well, I can only imagine that I love you. If you are angst-filled rebellious teenagers, you're probably driving me mental. Which is why you're at boarding school. Boarding school sorted me out. As did a jolly good hiding with the wooden spoon. Your grandfather used to spank me when I was naughty, and if you're handful, I'll do the same. Even if you're throwing a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket in front of a whole lot of people, don't test me. I will give you a bloody good hiding. You will only see the benefits of this when you are older.

So I'm having a fairly fabulous time coasting through my arts degree in Cape Town.

I just know you're going to give me hassles, as God is my witness. I gave your grandparents endless hassles, and unless I give birth to a set of nuns, I know you'll be hard work. (Please don't be nuns. OK, just please don't be nuns. Or prositutes. [sic]) Mummy is only 22 now, but this is the advice your Granny gave me before I moved out of home:

1)Always wash your hands when you leave the bathroom. E Coli is the enemy.

2)Never marry someone who enforces their religion onto you. You won't cope wearing a Taliban burqa, mainly because you'll be so beautiful/handsome. I won't make you go to church, but your school might. Deal with it.

3)Mummy is in love right now with a lovely guy, but unless it lasts she will make many mistakes. [Damn straight she's made mistakes!] Men will want to get into your pants. My sons, try be nice to the ladies, ok. Please just don't get knocked up. Be frigging sensible. I won't nag, but just don't make me cry.

4)You can bring your laundry anytime, but Mummy isn't exactly a domestic goddess, so you need to sort out how to work the washing machine yourselves.

5)I'm not teaching you how to drive. Your father can do that.

6)Just because Mummy drinks a lot of wine, it doesn't mean you have to. Do you really want to be like your mother? Although I have a lot of flaws, Mummy rocks though, so never forget that.

7)I have dress sense sometimes. So please talk to me before you go out in a side ponytail.

Don't give me too many grey hairs.
Your mother

Amendments to this letter, five years later, would be:

You'll get your heart ripped out of your rib cage a few times. I'll shoot the bastard to the best of my ability, but if I miss, remember you can always come home to your mother.
Mummy has a blog. Please don't read it. I told Granny not to as well, but she never listens.
If you wreck my car, you're paying for it. So doing doughnuts with your mates after a large night out in my expensive vehicle is something you should think through.

Mummy has a potty mouth, and by no means am I saying it's outright wrong. But saying 'fuck' in school will get you in shit trouble.

To my boys: Mummy is your number one woman. Never forget that.


Peaches said...

Teenage pregnancy, doughnuts, laundry, heart wrenching, side pony tails... think you covered the essentials!


Heddles said...

Peas. You are too funny. Too too much!

Syllable said...

Very cool post :D

kabintsimbi said...

What the fack were you drinking to think of all of this? How,'s hilarious! I would have been pissing myself laughing had it been me!

I love finding old letters etc...highly amusing entertainment, as is yours!

Very nice post! Much enjoyed!

ChewTheCud said...

What tells me Peas is going to adopt at 30? ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Peaches - I forgot one thing: When they get braces, they shouldn't suck face with another brace face.

Heddles - Ta. :)

Syllable - Thanks dear!

Kab - I was absolutely fried from a big night out. I wonder if my kids will be worse? Please say it isn't so.

Chews - at this rate, if I ever have children it will be through adoption only. Not even kidding.

8Ball said...

Rememeber you'll turn out a dummy
If you drink as much as mummy
But the most important thing
My future offspring
Is to keep that E Coli out your tummy

8Ball said...

Great post babe

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, tell me, did you like being spanked witha wooden spoon??

Antoine said...

Great Chuckle. I have a daughter who is too much like me and a son who is like his mum.

Now: Tell us about that wooden spoon ;-)

Leigh-Anne said...

As always, a small dose of Peas on Toast is exactly what I needed to cheer myself up.

Thanks Peas!

You are such a honey!

Spawn of Peas said...

Mummy, we seem to have run out of pocket money. Boarding school is really cold this time of year and all we have to keep warm is the old brown chocolate. Please send more cash now.
Luv Spawny on Toast.

Peaches said...

The things i wish my mother had told me. The painful grill lesson that you dont want to learn the hard way.

Thank crapsticks I didnt have braces back in the day. Not that I was sucking face with much skill, athletecism, wreckless abandon or frequency back then anyway.


Peas Jr said...

Blah blah blah. It's always about you isn't it, Mum?
Love you lots, please send money.
Peas Jr

fabintsimbi said...

Our mom reflects much of what you describe (she just has one hell of a dress sense and used a hairbrush for whacking FaB(HARD) instead of wooden spoon (KaB got that instrument and not hard enough)...and she is well hell of a mother so rules should pan out if we practice them...

Nixx said...


8 ball I agree with Peas you should have your own two are two funny

hot pink flush said...

You're inspiring me to sit down and write one to my future sproglet's.
It might go something like this.
Dear Sprogs
Be careful.
I know people who know people.
Your mom

Peas on Toast said...

8Ball - ...and if they drink as much as mummy before they're 16, I'll give them a bloody good hiding. :)

Rev - no. It was my father who unleashed the spoon. And it was never fun.

Antoine - all I can say is, once it snapped on my bottom. Dad felt a bit shit after that.

Leigh-Anne - my pleasure babe!

Spawny - Only if you come give your mum a big kiss and tell her she's the most amazing mother in the world.

Peaches - I was such a metal mouth in Std 6, it's embarrassing. And my first 'grab' or 'degreening' thereof was with another metal mouth. Bad, bad mistake! You're lucky babe.

Peas Jr - sorry, but yes, it is always about mummy. Go ask your father for extra money. I've spent all mine on wine. Love you. xx

Fab - yeeouch, a hairbrush??

Nixx - thanks babe, and I agree, he should start one!

Hot Pink - Dear Spawn, I know Hot Pink Flush, and if you don't take your vitamins, she'll make sure you do. xx

Peas on Toast said...

Peas Jr - sorry did I say I spent all my money on wine? What I was meant to say is I spent it all on your elitist upbringing.

Mummy might need to borrow some money from you. Can you dig it?

kabintsimbi said...

I think the kids would love to go out on a jol with their mom...they'll learn a few handy things!

Peas, as for FaB (my sister) saying that I didn't get hit hard enough...she's totally lying! That wooden spoon scarred me for life! FaB - why do you think I hid it on top of the fridge from mom? Cause it hurt bloody hell!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - ha ha! I'm glad you also used to hide the Hiding Tool. I used to do that as well. But my dad only had to look at it in that way, and I knew my ass was about to be tanned.

kabintsimbi said...

Lol yes but as a bonafide Daddy's girl, I just whipped out the sad, pleading little eyes & pleaded to not be hit! Sometimes it would work, otherwise I was doomed & would run for cover to my mom who would so NOT rescue me! Fab would disagree saying that I got away with murder but I remember a good few smacks here & there! I was a naughty lightie though!

Lol, that incident with the wooden spoon was quite hilarious as my mom could not find it for months on end until the day we moved house & she found it on top of the fridge! I think I got it then...again, I was called 'you naughty little shit!' Oh the good old days!

Glad to know someone else had the same thinking patterns as me...made total sense at the time!

Peas on Toast said...

Oh yes, and avoidance of the backside tanning! My mum was the soft one - I could twist her arm eventually - my dad however was one strict guy. The disciplinarian.

Which is odd really, considering he still acts like a kid these days. :)

Chester Pillow said...


Peas on Toast said...


Mike said...


Peas on Toast said...

Touching, eh? ;)

Revolving Credit said... who's touching who here??

Is Mike touching the children??

Now thats not very kosher is it...let me guess, he promised them sweets or more pocket money?

Peas on Toast said...

"Hey want some candy?"

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, are you trying to corrupt your own kids??

Peas on Toast said...

Well Rev, no. I don't got no spawn, remember.

Tyrone said...

Peas, if I give you my number now will you ask your daughter to give me a call when she's older? :-)

I'm sure I'll be at the right age for to be a proper sugar daddy just about then.

Revolving Credit said...

Well you've been writing letters to them and it appears they have like WTF...or did I just drink too much jager last night and this is still part of the pre-hangover dream??

Revolving Credit said...

What do you mean '..give me a call when she's older?'

What type of amateur pediophile are you, get her to call you now!!

If she can't reach the phone, I'm sure Peas will help lift her up to reach it!

Tyrone said...

I'm thinking threesome...

Revolving Credit said...

Tyrone, thanx for the invite, but I don't do little kids!

Tyrone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Revolving Credit said...

Ryrone, I could lend you a sheep...maybe a baby goat.

That way you can have a kid!

Tyrone said...

Glad about that as I am thinking you're a fellow member of the male frat and that would be one too many ballbags in my equation!

Maybe I'm narrow-minded but I like my 3somes with more girl than boy.

Tyrone said...

Done the sheep before so a goat sounds good!

Of course, I've always wanted to ride a camel.

Revolving Credit said...

Are playing musical comment??

Or is the sheep/goat gtting you all excited?

Revolving Credit said...


Light, mild or filter??

Be careful it's not lit before you ride it else you may burn your ball sack!!

tyrone said...

Light or mild. It can be lit, just gotta ride it right.

tyrone said...

And if it burns. well, someone will just have to kiss it better.

Or use ice. Hmmm.

ANYWAY. I need to go drinking now. Gotta work on my 3somes.

tyrone said...

Peas, your daughter better be hot hey!


ThomG said...

Peas as a MILF. I like it. I surly do.

jd said...

send your sons to rhodes and your daughters to uct. so that your sons can be coming men and your daughers bitches!!!

Peas on Toast said...

jd - your daughters bitches?? Do you want a slap?

That guy you know said...

eish that was some other trip , remind me not to smoke a blunt before I come to this site!
gawd! my tummy hurts!

Peas on Toast said...

hahahahaha :)