I, as I do, analysed myself. In the bath tub with a glass of sav blanc.
This is intense and hectic.
I don't want to be screwed around. That much is clear. I may need so much therapy after this. Is it worth it? I'm single and alright. Is this going to fuck it all up?
I thought, Fine. Let's look at this like a professional.
“What would a pyschologist ask me if I was in therapy?”
Tell me about your childhood. So fucking predictable.
Had a good childhood, thanks. Nothing especially and crazily traumatic.
Tell me about your father.
Now here's a story. After 23 years of marriage – a good marriage from what I can tell – he left my mother. For another woman. He left my mother for someone who was very, very not right for him, but he loved her anyway.
I always insist I am not scarred by my parents divorce. I know what happened now, why it happened and have after [literally] seeing a therapist and talking about it – don't believe it has serious bearing on my decisions today. Honestly.
My father is a funny, gregarious character, and from objective observation, women love him. A fiftysomething divorce who is clearly on his own mission, women will do anything for him. He's in good shape. Tall and skinny. With keen intellect, and like many people have said, “a genius of the purest form,” wildly intelligent and astute.
But very honestly, he's very selfishly his own man. Someone who, barring the outer layer, hard to get to really know, beyond the funny, eccentric creature he is. Someone who is quirky and immensely charming, but very independent, does his own thing, and nobody, but nobody will stop him. He always comes first.
A pedestal creature, if we get to the nitty gritty.
[By now the psychologist would probably be nodding, trying to show me she's heard this all before, with a notable frown creased across her forehead...she's thinking which medication to prescribe to me...as she notices an issue with the 'father figure.']
So. How does this apply to my love life? Most of my ex's are like my father. Not all, but most. I don't need to be told this, I've figured this out for myself. Emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, yet unbelievably intelligent. And elusive.
I can't help it. I have an Oedipus Complex.
I hope this isn't going to wreak havoc with my heart for as long as I live.
PS: I saved myself R350 bucks on therapy. Doing it all on my own. That's gratifying.