Tuesday, July 17, 2007

warning: intense father figure analysis

I, as I do, analysed myself. In the bath tub with a glass of sav blanc.
This is intense and hectic.

I don't want to be screwed around. That much is clear. I may need so much therapy after this. Is it worth it? I'm single and alright. Is this going to fuck it all up?

I thought, Fine. Let's look at this like a professional.
“What would a pyschologist ask me if I was in therapy?”

Tell me about your childhood. So fucking predictable.

Had a good childhood, thanks. Nothing especially and crazily traumatic.

Tell me about your father.

Now here's a story. After 23 years of marriage – a good marriage from what I can tell – he left my mother. For another woman. He left my mother for someone who was very, very not right for him, but he loved her anyway.

I always insist I am not scarred by my parents divorce. I know what happened now, why it happened and have after [literally] seeing a therapist and talking about it – don't believe it has serious bearing on my decisions today. Honestly.


My father is a funny, gregarious character, and from objective observation, women love him. A fiftysomething divorce who is clearly on his own mission, women will do anything for him. He's in good shape. Tall and skinny. With keen intellect, and like many people have said, “a genius of the purest form,” wildly intelligent and astute.

But very honestly, he's very selfishly his own man. Someone who, barring the outer layer, hard to get to really know, beyond the funny, eccentric creature he is. Someone who is quirky and immensely charming, but very independent, does his own thing, and nobody, but nobody will stop him. He always comes first.

A pedestal creature, if we get to the nitty gritty.

[By now the psychologist would probably be nodding, trying to show me she's heard this all before, with a notable frown creased across her forehead...she's thinking which medication to prescribe to me...as she notices an issue with the 'father figure.']

So. How does this apply to my love life? Most of my ex's are like my father. Not all, but most. I don't need to be told this, I've figured this out for myself. Emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, yet unbelievably intelligent. And elusive.

I can't help it. I have an Oedipus Complex.

I hope this isn't going to wreak havoc with my heart for as long as I live.

PS: I saved myself R350 bucks on therapy. Doing it all on my own. That's gratifying.


GoDsGiMp said...

"Freud considered the successful resolution of the Oedipus complex to be key to the development of gender roles and identity. He posited that boys and girls resolved the conflicts differently as a result of castration anxiety (for males) and penis envy (for females)." -wikipedia

Penis envy Pea's.. penis envy

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my god. Now this is intense. I always joked that I had penis envy. Now apparently I really do.

But I digress. As I've said before: I wouldn't exchange my poen for the largest penis on Earth.

Perhaps I just have identity issues.

Betenoir said...

Penises: nice to borrow, wouldn't want to own one.

Dads: well, mine was an alcoholic, physically absent (my parents got divorced when I was 3), but devoted to me, wrapped around my finger and gave good hugs.

so, you can pretty much imagine some of the winners I've picked.

daddy issues: we've all got 'em to one degree or another...so what do you do about it? Buggered if I know.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - I nearly didn't post this today because seemed all too intense - but I now I'm glad I have!


Thing is...is it better to be like our mother's or our father's?
I am very different to my mother. But, then again, we go for the same men clearly.

The mind boggles.

Leigh-Anne said...


My dad is a sick twisted fuck who, after nearly 20 years of marriage, had an affair with another woman... Not just any woman, but a schwartze! That totally scandalized his nice middle class English family on the other side of the world. The schwartze he had the affair with turned out to be an alcoholic, and eventually turned to prostitution to support her alcoholism and had a daughter who is a drug addict.

I can't really moan about any of that though, because the other woman was my mother, and I am the drug addict daughter…

Anonymous said...

Dont read into things so much, you your own person and capable of making your own decisions. By the way which sav blanc were u drinking?

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - hoo boy, now you dad sounds like he really knows how to pick 'em. That is a shitty situation my girl. And I'm sure it's taken a full lifetime to even begin to understand it and yourself.
I sppose one just needs to learn to see the signs before we enter pattern after pattern. * Sigh * xx

Anon - ha ha, I get told I analyse things too much on an almost daily basis. :) The sav was cheap wonderful plonk - Craighall. :)

That guy you know said...

good gawd! we all end up doing some dumb ish like going out with ppl that resemble our folks. I've had to dish out numerous red cards to women who looked too much like mommy!
Now I hear father issues but what about step mommaz? I freakin hate my step momz and wish I could direct a bolt of lightening in her direction. My cool but foolish ol man cannot see what a broom rider he's married to and she makes up too post on account of her whichery! At the least you managed to save a few buck, here here to a few more bottles of wine!

Peas on Toast said...

That Guy I (really?) Know - yeah step mums can be the bane of one's existence. The thought of my dad marrying and staying with his mistress left me feeling quite ill. She was everything my dad didn't need or want.

Unfortunately, as we know, love knows no boundaries and blinkers can be a real bitch when it comes to judging character.

I propose we drink more wine. :)

That guy you know said...

I'm sure if I ever turn into an alkie it will be her fault! Fuck that I'm leaving this gawd forsaken town and making sure I never have to see her again!
But as you say, she's everything he doesn't need and who am i to rock what seems to be on the surface a happy union?
I sometimes feel like telling her that if she ever needs a kiss I have an ass! But that would just be mean. Well your post today touched me, was kinda theraputic. I wish I had not given out all her ex files online! Have a good day then

Leigh-Anne said...

Yeah, I have a fucked up family, but we try to get along. I also tend to date men like my father, as much as I try not to.

My step mom is quite a cool old lady. She's everything my mother isn't, and loads more! I love her to bits, and credit her and my maternal grandmother for the fact that I'm not out there standing on a street corner for my next hit.

I can just imagine how my older brothers would have reacted to my biological mother as their stepmother!

Revolving Credit said...


Imagine how much money you'd save if you made your own wine?

(too early and still too serious to descend upon fatherly commentary just yet.)

Peas on Toast said...

Guy I Know - Yeah, it's a toughie definitely. Does your dad know how you feel? I was always very upfront with my dad about his mistress. As in, "I understand you're in love with her...but she will destroy you eventually."

Hope it somehow gets better dear!

Leigh-Anne - It's good you guys get along despite the history, that's excellent actually. If I saw my dad's mistress, I doubt 'get along' would be the end result.

Rev - I just don't have enough room to plant vines. Bummer. But there is a bottle store across the road. Con-weenient, non? ;)

Anonymous said...

I like the wine idea, if u like the taste who cares how cheap it is. Peas i reckon u will find a good guy and u will be happy.

Revolving Credit said...

Is the bottle store owner single?
That way you can kill 2 birds with one stone - new guy and free wine!.

That guy you know said...

oh yea he does! ask Suave from the fluffydice (lil bruva!) Any of us will tell you, well at the least the Original family is not feeling her antix!
And no it's not such a tuffie, I'm just gonna get outta Bloem, move to Jozi and try save my sanity!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - thanks dollface. You have more faith than me :)

Rev - She's single. And if she's not, I'd be very surprised. Nuff said.

That Guy - dude, that's the best decision ever. Move out of Bloem - I cannot agree more. In fact, why you still there? Why aren't you moving right this very second? Jozi is a great place to find new troubles and forget the old. You know Suave! I like you already.

Revolving Credit said...

R U willing to go a bit lesbian for free wine???

Peas on Toast said...

The day I go lesbo is the day the bitch buys me an Audi.


Revolving Credit said...

Ask her?

So if I can find a bitch that will buy you an Audi, you'll go lez?

Back to the serious topic albeit with my twisted view:

Maybe that is the answer, go a bit girly for a while. If the problem is that you consistantly seek out guys like your father, maybe you should seek out a girl, just to break the pattern?
Question is though, this Audi sponsoring girl, would she also have to be like your father , or maybe your mother or is your type undefined?

If you were Ant, this would be easy, she'd be seeking out Scarlett Johansson.

So what do you think would be your girly type?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - As I was explaining to someone last night: I can kiss a hot girl. I have kissed girls before. I could even touch her boobs. But that's as far as I'd go. This makes me very unlesbian.
I fantasise over men's bodies for a reason. I like the hair and the, um, package. Really.

However, I have one exception. Alicia Keys. I'd probably best sleep next to her naked body. Wouldn't touch it as such, but she does make me hot.

Revolving Credit said...

Lets analyse this further, those ex's who where not like your father, how were they different and what about them attarcted you to them...in a non paternal kinda way?

May help spot something that you've not noticed.

Peas on Toast said...

I had one who was not like my father. In that he was open and needy and not overly independent. This lasted the longest.

But there were still similarities.

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like you had a child, not a boyfriend.

How do you think your paraents divorce affected the way you viewed/related to both of your parent?

Did you see it coming or did it take you by surprise?

ekke said...

Gosh. That's all kinds of deep.

The bit about the dad was hectic too...

Peas on Toast said...

Hmm Rev, you a good little shrink arentcha? ;)

Well, I saw it coming in the lead up to the separation. Lots of fighting, lots of "where is Dad?" ('Off having an affair' isn't what mum exactly said, but I kind of knew.)

It's starnge, cos my mum is now very happy with a lovely lovely dude. Dad has eight girlfriends and can't choose which one to be with. Hmmm.

Mum collapsed after the divorce and leant on me heavily for support, which I gave her. But then pulled herself together and got on with things and became independent again. Dad has sort of...stagnated. It's odd how things work out.

Ekke - I know. Almost didn't post it.

Revolving Credit said...

Do you feel the need to help your dad, because he's lost!
Even though you laugh about his adventures/mis-adventures.
Try and point him down /keep him on the right path, so to speak!

Peas on Toast said...

Yip, definitely Always trying to give him solid sound advice from his [naive and impulsive] daughter. And tell him to make a decision already.

I see where this is going.

I go out with men who look at me like I'm a mommy.


Chester Pillow said...

Schwatze, ha ha haaaaaaaaaa, aaa!!
Peas, I have friends like your dad, sorry, and as much as they try convice themselves and others they'll be faithful to their wife it's too late, they'll always be full of shit!

Revolving Credit said...

May sound a bit strange/crass, but have any of your ex's been your lover as opposed to your fuck-buddy.

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - tell me about it.

Rev - I think so. I don't sleep with anybody willy nilly, only when I'm in a committed relationship. I've never actually had a fuck buddy.

ekke said...

"have any of your ex's been your lover as opposed to your fuck-buddy."

'S a good question, actually. I'm no where near qualified to explore it in depth, but someone should look into it.

No offence, like. It's just a good obsevationy thingumbob.

Revolving Credit said...

Think about this carefully, depends on how you define fuck-buddy. We they emotionally involved/committed or did you just get along really well??

Peas on Toast said...

Fuck. I've probably said this 1 000 times on this blog:




Peas on Toast said...

Rev - OK, I've clamed down to a panic.

The last two didn't love me. So maybe then, they were evidentally boyfriend fuck buddies.

I've learnt from this mistake now though. And I know how I'm going to deal with it.

With my dildo. To be precise.

Revolving Credit said...

Thats fine, we're just trying to understand.

Have any of these realtionships launched with a big bang or have they had a gradual build-up.

(Absolutelty no pun intended)

Meaning was it love/major attraction at first sight or did you kinda feel your way abit cautiously befire entering into these relationships.

Peas on Toast said...

Cool, sorry. Just so many people have asked me if I sleep with random men.

Anyway. I'm not cautious usually. I like something and then date it. That's how it usually goes.

For the first time in my life, I'm proceeding with caution. With the latest guy, anyway.

But I realise that something may have been amiss before.

ekke said...

"With my dildo. To be precise."


Revolving Credit said...

Just read something into your last statement. The last 2 did/do love you. Based on reactions gleemed from both Small Bum's actions and Dick's blogged statements, both do care for you.

But here's the kicker, you have many people/friends who love you/ care for you and for that you should be grateful.
However, what is so elusive and what you are seeking is not necessarily someone who loves you, but rather someone who is IN LOVE with you.

The difference is subtle yet distinct. Herein may be the problem:
Are you able to distinguish between the 2 or have you hoped that one may well lead to the other?

ekke said...

smart guy.

Peas on Toast said...

Ekke - indeed.

Rev - I'm not saying they didn't care, they probably did. Just had a funny way of showing it. Yip, I am looking for the IN LOVE factor. I believe it should be something one leads into. I don't believe in love at first sight or anything like that.

Someone has been in love with me before. So I think I know the difference. It's hard to find though.

Revolving Credit said...

Yip, this is a difficult one.
In my view, the best one can do is to be open to it, let it happen...feel it, it may come from an unexpected quarter.

(Shit, if I was in twisted mode right now, I could soo ripoff my own statements/puns today...maybe later)

And just when you thought you were out of the woods, another fuckup.

What would you do if you encountered someone who was in love with you , and even though you're really fond of them, you're not in love/ attracted to them?

Remember, it works both ways?

Peas on Toast said...

Yip it does work both ways.
It's happened to me before too. A few times, and it's crap being that person too.

What I've learnt is it's hard to find the mutual. Whereby the love and respect is the same. It's fucking hard.

Revolving Credit said...

I believe that the song went something like:

'You can't hurry love, no you just have to wait
They say love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take'

Are you going to breakout in kareoke now??

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha, thanks Rev - you've been brilliant! I know you're in IT, but ever considered going the shrink-route before?

Revolving Credit said...

What, listen to other peoples problems/hangups/neurosises day in, day out...are you trying to turn me into an alcoholic....wait..mmm..maybe I'm already a shrink....feck...someone pour me a whiskey.

Peas on Toast said...

You've done a sterling job today of that Rev!

You deserve a whiskey or ten. On me.

Revolving Credit said...

OK, back to normal

Peas, you said 'I go out with men who look at me like I'm a mommy. '

Did someone say MILF???

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha :)

See? This is why I love blogging. Couldn't get this kind of therapy for love or money!

Not a MILF just yet, but working on it. As in, I'm using wrinkle cream.

Revolving Credit said...


Peas on Toast said...

On my ankles. I heard elephantitis is a bugger.

Revolving Credit said...

I suspect that elephantightass is only a serious problem for gay elephants!

Peas on Toast said...

Interesting thought - you reckon there are gay elephants int he wild? Like the whole nature vs nurture thing again...

Revolving Credit said...

When last have you seen a pink elephant?

Revolving Credit said...

or on with a limp trunk?

Peas on Toast said...

Well. Funnily enough, an ex once said to, "there's this big pink elephant in the room that just won't go away."

He was being metaphorical about our problems obviously, but maybe, he was actually smoking crack and literally did see a pink elephant.

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like the elephant was a metaphor and he was trying to tell you that he was actually gay!

Peas on Toast said...

Ooh, and the claws come out.

Revolving Credit said...

Did he like to wear your underwear and/ or heels?

Ordinarylife said...

"a notable frown creased across her forehead"

Your therapist was probably thinking more about how to get to meet your dad, and less about your medication. You did mention women love him, and somewhere that he has a plane??

Peas on Toast said...

OrdinaryLife - You're right! I knew she had an ulterior motive!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - no he didn't. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Why, were they too small for him?

Peas on Toast said...

No he said he prefers Bridget Jones granny pants.

Revolving Credit said...

Read the last 2 comment, I'm not sure, but I think you just implied that you wear Bridget Jones granny panties???....lol...wtf

Peas on Toast said...

I don't. That I can promise you.

Revolving Credit said...

I've given it some thought, have you ever tried on-line dating??
I think you should give it a try, even if you never actually go out with someone.

Previously, you appear to have chosen prospective partners based on the Oedipussy criteria. Consciously or not, based on our previous discussions, it seems so.

Now, try this. Input your profile data into one of these sites and let it show you your closest matches.

It would be interesting to see how your computer generated matches, match up to those you have been dating/seeing thus far.

As an academic exercise it would be of interest, and you never know, you might spot something you like.

Wotcha think?

Peas on Toast said...

My dad told me the same thing.

I'm signed up on a site, but more for fun. It seems though that guys neglect to listen to basic criteria.

But it's ok. Am going on a dinner 'date' thing tomorrow :)

Revolving Credit said...

But how different were your computer 80%+ matches to the guys you've previously dated.

Peas on Toast said...

Well, not far off to be honest.

I also got bored of it quickly. As in I didn't feel like actually going to meet these people.
Perhaps one day.

Revolving Credit said...

You know that you can have some fun with this, right?
Create a profile as plain Jane, not Fabulous Peas and see who/what it attracts.

Remember that you need to be open to it, so broaden your circle a bit. If you choose to date anyone, you can then surprise then with Fabulous Peas when they were expecting to meet Carol Cabbage.

tyrone said...

Would make for a very interesting social experiment...

1) How different things in your profile attract different guys? Or even girls too.

2) Base it on physical characteristics and emotional / personality.

3) You could send all the "interested profiles" to us to review - almost like a group research program.

tyrone said...

Even better. Let us choose "dates" for you and then we do a sort of analysis on what types of dates, behaviour, dress code and expectations are associated with certain types of guys.

Could be fun... :-)

tyrone said...

But then again, I suppose it would be more fun for us than you.

Bad idea.

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha ha - you guys make me laugh! :)

Revolving Credit said...

You could write a book about it and make lots of cash! And then buy me whiskey.

'Nom de Date: Guerilla Warfare in the Urban On-line Jungle'