toodaloo

So I'm off to the Seychelles tomorrow. I got excited for the first time last night. While you poor sods spend your weekend in a smoky local watering hole, I'll be drinking rum daiquiris on a sandy white beach.

This is both a tropical-paradise-island holiday, as well as a family reunion, as well as an historical tour.
Three genres of holiday stuffed into one, basically. As I've mentioned before, my mother's side of the family are Francophiles, some growing up in the Seychelles.

The family, from all over the globe, have flown in. My crazy aunt from Canada, being one. She dances on tables, hates a good drink, hates sharing a little shiroot with me and got busted for smoking pot at school. Also known to fart loudly in public much to the embarrassment of everyone else. We get on like a house on fire.

I'll also be meeting about 6 000 cousins, and visit the home of my grandmother. My 'Grandmere' is my second mother, one of my most favourite people in the whole world. We only speak French to each other, she totally digs it. I love her to pieces, and am looking forward to seeing where she was brought up - within the upper-echelons of the Colonial bourgeoisie. On a coconut plantation on Praslin island. We'll be staying there, and on Mahé, the main island.

My grandfather hasn't been well lately, so I'm hoping this holiday will give him a new lease on life. My step dad, always with great gnashing of teeth, deals with my mum and her ever-giggling sisters very well:

Peas,
The sisterhood is rearing to go. One thing you won’t do in the Seychelles is starve to death. You’ll be able to open up a grocery shop if you need extra cash. I hope your Mum has booked a bakkie to move you around. Coffee you can have intravenously, there’s enough of it. And some mysterious foreign stuff, your aunt bought from Canada. They think they're going to the 3rd world. Talk about taking coals to Newcastle – they're actually discussing taking canned fish to the Seychelles. Hope they’ve organised some sugar, maybe some coco-de-mer… At least the blow-up mattress didn’t make it from Canada.

As for your aunt's farting problem, the roof hasn't lifted off yet. She's eating healthier, which is maybe resulting in reduced gaseous exchange with the outside environment. I’m holding thumbs for you while in the Seychelles. Maybe she’s building it up to a surprise, while you all share a confined space.
After the airport, I'm rushing home to tuck into all the stuff they will have to leave behind, including half the food your grandmother bought.
I need some male company at home at the moment. There's oestrogen everywhere. Your cousin also needs a wingman, she's glad you'll be around.
Your step-dad.

Bring on the snorkelling, white sandy beaches, sun, cheap Seychellwan rum, eccentric family members, speaking French, and spicy Creole food. This holiday has been the shining light at the end of a very overtired, overworked tunnel.

I'm gonna miss Mr 747 and Chad. But I'm sure I'll survive.
Toodles until then.

PS: My New Zealand aunt got the boobs in the family. We don't quite understand it. Mum, Grandmere and I are a little short in the noombie department. I plan to do get to the bottom of this via some family tree-tracing.

ancestry, seychelles & stuff

Peas: Dude, I need to apply for leave first week of October. I'm going to the Seychelles with the extended French family.

Crusoe: Why you going there? You related to the Creoles or something?

Peas: [cough, splutter] You're lucky my Gran wasn't around to hear that. She'd chop your balls off.

Crusoe: Well, your family lived there right?

Peas: Moved there during za vorre. But we're French Royalty dude, don't mock it. The Creoles weren't part of the equation. In fact, to keep the bloodlines pure, half my cousins there are probably inbred.

Crusoe: So, your cousins fucked your cousins?

Peas: Imagine French Catholics in a confined space for a second.....got the picture?
Royal Catholics, might I add. So bow down and give your employee some friggin' respect.

Crusoe: What finishing school did you go to, 'cos, Jesus, the shit that comes from your mouth doesn't exactly scream 'Princess Diana.' And you're only really Royal if you're British.

Peas: Oh yeah? You think Prince Harry never says 'fuck?' My great great grandmother was a Bourbon, dude. Top that.

Crusoe: So lemme get this straight...you're going on holiday to a tropical island full of your half-bred royal cousins. My question is....what if you find one of your cousins has an exceptionally large wanger?

Peas: Well, I wouldn't go there if that's what you're asking.

Crusoe: And what if it's ginormous?

Peas: Why would I want to see it in the first place?

Crusoe: 'Cos you have been known to stare at people's crotches lately.

Peas: Dude, even if he had a dick the length of your garden hose, I wouldn't go there.

Crusoe: So why're you so Royal again? What was the family name?

Peas: D'Agniel d'Assignet de Bourbon....and by the way, the more 'de's or 'd's' in a surname, the more aristocratic you are. We have three, bitch.

Crusoe: ...Her Highness, Peas de de de Toast?

Peas: Am I bovvered?

Crusoe: Royalty wouldn't say that.

Peas: Royalty can say anything they want.


PS: My dad, on the other hand, wants to call his new dog...Norman. Somebody please, we need a reality check here.