Friday, August 17, 2007

the art of gift giving 101

I went to a mate's birthday party dinner last night (and happy birthday to you big guy – you know who you are. No, not you, the other dude. No the other dude, yes you.)

Had an enthralling and highly amusing chat with three guys about gift giving:

Guy 1: Yeah...so what do you do? If he gave you a soap and a candle, whadoyoudo? “Thanks asshole, have a two prong plug.”

Guy 2: Well I got a Weber. After two months. With the added accessories like tongs, charcoal catchment plate and user manual.

Peas:....so what do you get after a Weber? A house?

Guy 2:...Nah. The standard PVC cover.

Peas: So what did you boys get girls for their 21sts and birthdays?

Guy 3: Well, I never spent more than fifty bucks. It was either soap on a rope, and maybe I'd throw in a candle. But the best were those...'Grow Your Own Bonsai' things. Cranked three of those out.

Peas: Three 'Grow Your Own Bonsai's?'

Guy 3: Yeah it was hot. A pot filled with manure and a pumpkin seed.

Guy 1: And if she was lucky, I'd throw in a soap. One of those glycerine guys that look expensive.

Peas: Right. OK, so if I were to do soap on a rope, you reckon one that is at least in the shape of a golf ball.

Guy 3: Sure. That's hot.

Peas: Do guys like kitcheny gadgety shit? I'm shit with buying presents, always have been. Never get the right thing.

Guy 2: Well, what you talking, a sushi set? Sure. That's hot. An Ina Paarman's Easy Microwave Meals For One? Not so much.

Peas: ...OK, and what about...a fondue set?

Guy 3: No that's totally gay, man.

Guy 1: Yeah with the little coloured spoons and shit.

Peas: And yet a sushi set is fine?

Guy 2: Hey, at Rhodes, I'd pull into the Botanical Gardens and cut my own flowers. And then make her...a tape. Print out the tracks in colour - 'cos it was free - cut out the square and stick it in the cassette box so it looked larny.

Peas: Wow.

Guy 2: See, you gotta judge it. I know this one dude who bought his chick a ham. And she bought him cologne. “Hey honey...Happy Christmas, have some Skittles and...a ham. Oh by the way, thanks for the Ralph Lauren.”

Peas: OK, so how about this for imagination....a pie voucher. The person can buy 20 pies on credit. London Pie just stamps it.

Guy 1: Oh my God. Why don't you just buy the person an industrial-sized portion of Mama's Pies and stock up his frigging deep freeze? Eggs and brush not included.

Peas: Or dental floss, shitloads of it. “Dude, your breath will smell great for five years.”

Guy 3: ...And if he buys you just a scented candle, you should totally take the plug back. Or the batteries, or the multi-user extension cord. If the candle comes with one of those cheap and nasty candle-holder jobs, you can give him the pie voucher as well as, say, a year's supply of contact lens fluid.

Guy 2: Once I bought someone a dreamcatcher.

Peas: Oh God. Not the ethnic bothnic crap. Please no.

Guy 2: Cranked that shit out. Twice.I wonder if my chick will buy me the Weber PVC cover. I mean, I did get her a spatula set.

So it's not just me then.

26 comments:

Steeler said...

Where in the world is Joey Miller?

Peas on Toast said...

Steeler - yeah it's been a while since he popped in, but he's still writing his column as far as I know!

SheBee said...

A spatula set? I mean, a SPATULA set?!

Screw the PVC cover, I'd give him a hair regrowth spray of some kind.

Cos, you know, all guys truly live in fear of baldom.

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - I know, pretty hysterical.
I have figured out that dudes dig practical gadgety things (One threw up that a MagLite torch is a winner....but if he's not a camper?)
While girls dig shit that's pretty and lame :)

SheBee said...

**takes out notebook and jots down as future memo to self**

so, my bday is next week. what should i hint for??

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - well I reckon you hint for what you don't want. Like, "shit 5-years worth of dental floss...so overrated."

"That shirt sucks ass man."

"Electric toothbrushes are only useful if you get the three-speed guy"

SheBee said...

why would i want to do that for????

Betenoir said...

what about a 100g bar of cadbury's....always a boy gift of extreme originality!

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee...just to ensure you don't get a spatula set babe!

Bete - ...or a bottle of JC Le Rocks.

Leigh-Anne said...

My ex monster in law once gave me a "Jesus Loves You" CD. I'm Jewish.

Hmmm... Wonder why that one never worked out...

For a mate's 21st last month, we rustled together a "Seduction Kit", complete with a bottle of champagne, scented candles, incense, chocolate body paint, ky jelly and a box of rough riders...

He had fun that night!

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - Shit, that's a pretty shit thing to do - did you give him a Jewish CD back in return? ;)

Love the seduction kit, that's a goodie!

Leigh-Anne said...

Na, it was his mom. She's quite old, so I didn't want to be nasty...

The ex was a very generous gift giver, used to spoil me a hell of a lot! I miss that, but I like being independent too!

What's the best gift you've ever received?

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - generous gifts givers rock, absolutely agreed.

The best gift was probably an iPod. And Puma takkies :)

kyknoord said...

I give money.

I get invited to a lot of parties.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - money's good, send money!

$$$$$$$$$
:)

Leigh-Anne said...

Puma takkies? Wow.

Lucky you!

I just know you're dying to tell us who they are from?

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne...nah not really, it was a long long time ago :)

Angellis said...

I was given a biscuit once. For Valentine's Day, and my ex was to mean to even include a soap or a candle. Guess what the wrapper said? You're my biscuit...

Peas on Toast said...

Angellis - seriously, you got a cookie? Well I suppose it's more original than those PS chocolates with the "please be mine" on the wrapper, but still...

Angellis said...

Yes a cookie! It was... different...

SheBee said...

leigh: I am so stealing you seduction kit idea and pasting it all over my blog!

"Hints that you should all get me for my bday this year:

1. SEDUCTION KIT
2. SEXY HAIRY MAN
3. SEDUCTION KIT
4. SEDUCTION KIT, GIMME
5. I WANT IT - SEDUCTION KIT
6. HAIRY MAN, PLUS SEXYNESS

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - that's classic! Don't forget the furry handcuffs. No seduction kit is complete without them!

SheBee said...

oh ooh ooh and the chocolate body paint, complete with bushy brush!

(an aside: have you ever TASTED the actual chocolate body paint? its worse than that siff budget beacon chocolate!)

Leigh-Anne said...

Yeah, it tastes awful!

I find melting a block of Lindt in the microwave works much better!

And feel free to use it! I want one for my birthday too! *hint hint*

Koekie said...

I gave my boyfriend a second-hand rugby jersey. Because I thought it was funny. And he's still with me.

Bless.

Nessers said...

I stress for months before I have to give a gift. I beg for hints from the recipient and even give them the option of taking it back if they hate it. I try desperately to get something they have commented on wanting or I think will go well with other stuff they have but I truly dread all the events during the year where a gift is required to be bought by me *g*