I went to a mate's birthday party dinner last night (and happy birthday to you big guy – you know who you are. No, not you, the other dude. No the other dude, yes you.)
Had an enthralling and highly amusing chat with three guys about gift giving:
Guy 1: Yeah...so what do you do? If he gave you a soap and a candle, whadoyoudo? “Thanks asshole, have a two prong plug.”
Guy 2: Well I got a Weber. After two months. With the added accessories like tongs, charcoal catchment plate and user manual.
Peas:....so what do you get after a Weber? A house?
Guy 2:...Nah. The standard PVC cover.
Peas: So what did you boys get girls for their 21sts and birthdays?
Guy 3: Well, I never spent more than fifty bucks. It was either soap on a rope, and maybe I'd throw in a candle. But the best were those...'Grow Your Own Bonsai' things. Cranked three of those out.
Peas: Three 'Grow Your Own Bonsai's?'
Guy 3: Yeah it was hot. A pot filled with manure and a pumpkin seed.
Guy 1: And if she was lucky, I'd throw in a soap. One of those glycerine guys that look expensive.
Peas: Right. OK, so if I were to do soap on a rope, you reckon one that is at least in the shape of a golf ball.
Guy 3: Sure. That's hot.
Peas: Do guys like kitcheny gadgety shit? I'm shit with buying presents, always have been. Never get the right thing.
Guy 2: Well, what you talking, a sushi set? Sure. That's hot. An Ina Paarman's Easy Microwave Meals For One? Not so much.
Peas: ...OK, and what about...a fondue set?
Guy 3: No that's totally gay, man.
Guy 1: Yeah with the little coloured spoons and shit.
Peas: And yet a sushi set is fine?
Guy 2: Hey, at Rhodes, I'd pull into the Botanical Gardens and cut my own flowers. And then make her...a tape. Print out the tracks in colour - 'cos it was free - cut out the square and stick it in the cassette box so it looked larny.
Guy 2: See, you gotta judge it. I know this one dude who bought his chick a ham. And she bought him cologne. “Hey honey...Happy Christmas, have some Skittles and...a ham. Oh by the way, thanks for the Ralph Lauren.”
Peas: OK, so how about this for imagination....a pie voucher. The person can buy 20 pies on credit. London Pie just stamps it.
Guy 1: Oh my God. Why don't you just buy the person an industrial-sized portion of Mama's Pies and stock up his frigging deep freeze? Eggs and brush not included.
Peas: Or dental floss, shitloads of it. “Dude, your breath will smell great for five years.”
Guy 3: ...And if he buys you just a scented candle, you should totally take the plug back. Or the batteries, or the multi-user extension cord. If the candle comes with one of those cheap and nasty candle-holder jobs, you can give him the pie voucher as well as, say, a year's supply of contact lens fluid.
Guy 2: Once I bought someone a dreamcatcher.
Peas: Oh God. Not the ethnic bothnic crap. Please no.
Guy 2: Cranked that shit out. Twice.I wonder if my chick will buy me the Weber PVC cover. I mean, I did get her a spatula set.
So it's not just me then.