Thursday, August 16, 2007

a day in the life of

I want to do the Live In London Overwhelmingly Popular Saffa Exodus thing one day. I do, perhaps when the South Africans have all moved onto Dubai – new place of refugeeism – I will do it.

Without being too predictable:

8:00am – Ate a crumpet. Put on lots of dark clothes.

8:30am – Got beaten up by a chav at Victoria Junction. I told her to 'move out of my way' and she pulled my hair and told me 't'pu'a so' innit cos may do''av beef wiff vat'.

9:00am – Arrive workplace. I'm surrounded by foreigners working the fax machine. I am the toner guy. My extremely exhilarating job involves ejecting the toner cartridge from the clutches of the printing mechanism, dispensing it in the Used Toner receptacle and replacing with a new one. I earn 3.50 an hour, writing cheques my body can't cash.

10:00am – tea time, oh delight - Scones.

12:00 noon – The person with which I am working is a Spanish infidel. Or should I say, Thpanith perthon here to learn Hinglith.

He wath a thecurity gwardo in Barthelone. He athked me if I'd be tho kind ath to move my chair five thenimetres to the left becauthe I am dithracting him. He's an ath fathe.

2:00pm – It's raining. How do I haul ten packets from Tesco Canary Wharf to Clapham in this dogshit weather?

3:00pm - The Thpanith dude ith thtaring at my noombies. These hot-blooded Latino types sure beat the crap out of the cement-lipped Brits who reckon my boobs look like two dobs of ice cream scooped from the tub.

4:30pm – I shall celebrate the ending of this working day with a case of alcohol. Three Toner refuels, four paper jams and lots of Polish people shouting at me has made me a walking mental institution.

5:00pm – I am at the Slug & Lettuce Slut & Legless. Imbibing ten snakebites and eight tequilas, while old Bad Teeth In Essex over yonder is giving me the once over.

6:00pm - Bad Teeth In Essex touched my bottom. Why did that feel so good? I'm homesick. Bring me another vodka, no mixer please.

11:00pm - I don't know what the fuck has happened since that last vodka, but bugger it - I love Bri'in! England, wow, I love you. As for Bad Teeth in Essex, please stop following me to the bathrooms buddy. The tube has closed. How to get home?

11:10pm – Ah. A taxi. I am going with a few foreign people from the Eastern Bloc to skinny dip in the Serpentine in Hyde Park. They're washing; I'm boozing wet and naked. Who owns this city now, bitch?

10:10pm – Skinny dipping went down like Colonel Mustard in the billiard room with the lead piping. Got arrested by a bobby. Luckily Scotland Yard took it lightly, and gave me a lift home. With ten Tesco's bags.

Midnight: Ooh scones, crumpets, Jaffa cakes, Spotted Dick, Toad in the Hole, bangers & mash. I love the munchies in England, because even though it doesn't taste of anything, I'm so shitfaced I can't taste it anyway.

1:00am – What is Bad Teeth In Essex doing in my house?

1:10am: Hold on a second, actually. Why is he in my bed?

2:00am – Tequila and snakebites worn off. How the fuck do I get him outta here?

2:20am – I know. I'll throw a crumpet outside onto the pavement.

2:21am – Predictably, he jumped on it. And I pretended not to hear his incessant knocking on my door after he devoured it right there, on Windmill Drive.

4:00am – Dreaming of toners, Buckingham Palace and Scunthorpe Wells.

5:00am – I might go to France for the weekend.

One day.

45 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

Only problem with this scenario is that you can't afford the case of alcohol.

You will need to swap the vodka and tequila for warm ale.

Not quite the same is it....hahah

Leigh-Anne said...

...and a pack of twenties costs about R60...

I'm going over to London in March next year. I am so glad I don't smoke.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - perhaps I should make an amendment. I stole the vodka, or Bad Teeth in Essex bought it for me. It's all in the details :)

Leigh-Anne - I know, horrific! And in night clubs you only get 16 cigarettes in the vending machine. I will have given up by then. ;)

Leigh-Anne said...

I remember you quit a while ago. You were doing so well until the SB incident.

If you get lung cancer and die it will be all his fault.

You mob of fans will form a swarm and lynch him.

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - ha ha! Well I was doing well, but let's face it, it really is my fault for starting again. I didn't smoke last night though. Mr 747 has an amazing way of making me forget to smoke altogether. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

"Midnight: .....Spotted Dick, Toad in the Hole, bangers & mash"

Doesn't sound like munchies.
Sounds more like you and Bad Teeth In Essex were getting your groove on!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well let's put a spin on this. Does Bad Teeth have a skin tone like Enrique Iglesias and a face like Jake Gyllenhaal? Then yes, we shagged all night long.

Does he look like Eddie Eksteen without clothes on? Then no, I ate all the pies and made him leave. ;)

kabintsimbi said...

Rev - fuck that's funny!

Peas - London's good for some things...men, no! Stick to the Saffers! Although...

I was on a tube a few years back & this seriously, seriously...like you're going to cum just by looking at him...hot guy got on the tube! He totally flirted with me...god, it made me high on life! I still think 'dang, if only i could have fucked his brains out right then & there!'

Pity!

Random I know, but so are the good times in London!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - Are you James Blunt my girl?
You know he saw the chick on the tube and didn't shag her senseless between Tottenham Court Road and Marble Arch?

You ARE James Blunt! James Blunt reads my blog! Would you like to come over for dinner sometime? I'm taken, but my neighbour absolutely idolises you judging from the countless times I hear you blaring from her speakers!
:)

kabintsimbi said...

Oh so you're taken now? What happened to the gal who played hard to get & acted all non-chalent! Mr 747 must be rubbing off on you *ahem*!

Nice one Peas!

Fuck no...did he really not shag her? Stupid fuckwit! No wonder he has such kak boring songs!

Piss: should I be playing along for the hell of it?

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - ha ha ha, I am still very much nonchalant - and have my head screwed tightly onto my shoulders...oh fuck, did I just say screwed? I meant attached. Attached to the shoulders. But am taken. ;)

OK James Blunt - so why didn't you at least get the lady's number? Forward planning dude.

kabintsimbi said...

Lol, good for you! Screwed, attached whatever...all good in the end!

As for the gal's number, she was a whore riding a tube! She totally didn't rub me up the right way!

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - well that's a darn pity James Blunt. Let me tell you something for free: whore or no-whore, NEXT TIME GET HER BLOODY NUMBER.

Men can be so frigging useless sometimes.

All the cliche's are true, hombre: dinners, flowers, numbers, all that shit - CHICKS DIG IT!

Revolving Credit said...

Kab, what would your reaction be if YOU were the girl on the tube that he was singing about?

Betenoir said...

james blunt is a tool. a blunt tool. hahahaha!

...I have flu. sorry.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah shame Bete! I hope you feel better soon kid!

Don't listen to James Blunt unless you want to stay forever :)

Baglett said...

Hey Peas! I hope you don't mind, I put your link on my blog http://www.baglett.blogspot.com/

Leigh-Anne said...

Bugger.

I've also linked to your blog. Was I supposed to ask first?

I'm new to this, and so lost when it comes to blog etiquette!

Insane Insomniac said...

A dip in the Serpentine is only a good idea in August. When its warm. The air, not the water.
And no real Londoner goes shopping in Canary Wharf when the Tescos in Clapham is at least 10% cheaper.

Besides, all self respecting Saffas live in Wimbledon and those from the East Rand (and Dutchmen) live in Leytonstone.
I live in Camden...

Peas on Toast said...

Baglette - thanks my dear! :)

Leigh-Anne - nah, no one has to ask, I just have to update my links too! Am touched, thanks chaps.

Insane - yeah Wimbledonfontein doesn't appeal to me one little bit. Neither does Putneyfontein or Southfieldsfontein. But thanks for the heads up on the Clapham Tescos :)

Leigh-Anne said...

I'm never quite sure what correct blog etiquette is. I mean, I'm one of Chad's Facebook friends, and I think that's really cool. I'm even a member of his new group. I've been reading your blog long enough to have figured out who you are, but so far I've resisted poking or inviting you.

Don't want to come across as a stalker.

I remember a while ago you had problems at parties with strangers asking you if you're Ms O'Toast and once someone screamed at you while you were buying a pie at a garage. No, I'm not a stalker, I just have a good memory... We all feel like we know you, as false as that impression may be, but you don't really know any of us, do you? Anyway, what I'm getting at is, where does one draw the line?

Baglett said...

You totally have permission to a link to mine :)

Leigh-Anne said...

Also, have you noticed that the Flatmate Hater has posted again? I hope he's back now!

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - ha ha ha! In the beginning, when I realised people were actually reading this, it freaked me out. I was under the impression in the early days that no one knew who I was. Not even my mates. That's obviously all changed now, and when someone asks me if I'm Peas it doesn't phase me. Every so often a stranger will approach me somewhere and say, "Hi, I read your blog." I'm just amazed people know or actually care!

So it's all changed a bit. And you're welcome to ask me to be your FB friend anytime :)
So excited the Flatmate guy has posted - yayayay!

Blaglette - Cool, I'll take a look and link you. I have so many links to update, and must get to it. Sometime this week, promise.

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - he's amazing that Flatmate Hater.
To my horror, on my first night in the new establishment, I walked into
the hallway and saw the aforementioned Tweedledumb insensate on the
floor, apparently trying to fuck something.


He is my hero.

Leigh-Anne said...

I have such a cyber-crush on him!

Peas on Toast said...

Love him so much, I wrote this last year:

http://mushypeasontoast.blogspot.com/2006/08/where-is-hesheit.html

Peas on Toast said...

Shit, that didn't work.
Hold on:

Here it is:

http://mushypeasontoast.blogspot.com/2006/08/
where-is-hesheit.html

capdog said...

With a nod to Tucker Max and his famous Sushi Pants story?! ;)

SheBee said...

ahhahahahahahahahaha!

that said;

I too have figured you out on fb, and resisted the urge of admitting it even, however we all no my self control levels are unbalanced, so there.

and lol at your link failure twice. Perhaps thrice will suffice?

Peas on Toast said...

capdog - isn't that Tucker Max thing hysterical?? It made my day yesterday! :)

SheBee - Bless, it's not that hard though, let's face it :)
I'm so shit at linking things properly.

SheBee said...

ah, but i figured it out BEFORE wibble...

**shaking of my knowledgeable head**

And I laugh cos I sympathise! Yesterday my tracker thingy got burgled from my blog! How the fuck did that happen??!!

SheBee said...

oh, and who is roommate hater?? sounds fun!

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - clever girl :)

Did someone hijack your tracker thingie? Sometimes things disappear from here too, but they seem to emerge again. Hmmmm.

Peas on Toast said...

Roommate Hater:
www.ihatemyflatmate.blogspot.com

(Or fourth link from the top!)

SheBee said...

Thanks!

Yes, tracker is back today. Odd.

I have been occupied reading your link posted thrice...

from PE? Now Peas... why you lie to us baby girl?

;)

unbelievable, seriously. i would have been so annoyed!

tyrone said...

Afternoon Peas.

I wouldn't shag James Blunt. But I would shag Keira Knightley seven ways from sideways.

Actually make that Keira-Oh-My-God-You're-Hot-Wanna-Shag-Or-Marry-Me!

MMMMM!

Peas, do you have stats on your blog? How many views, visitors, etc., do you get?

tyrone said...

Oh, and you can include Rhona Mitra on the list of ladies I'd willingly ride on the bus.

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - hello there babe!

Keira Knightly, well hell, I'd probably do her too :)

Yes I have my blog counters etc, but they all have varying stats, so it's actually tough to tell. Also one has to look at 'page impressions' versus 'hits' - they seem vastly different.

tyrone said...

God she's hot.

When I watched Pride & Prejudice I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

So how many impressions?

Peas on Toast said...

I haven't checked the sitemeter for yonks, but according to the two hit counters to your right - one says 200 and something, the other says 800and something. I presume these are hits...who knows.

Revolving Credit said...

Tyrone, I must say that I never thought that Pride & Prejudice was a porn movie...I may now have to check it out.

Anonymous said...

Jesus fuck, 200 hits a day. GET OVER YOURSELf

Peas on Toast said...

Was I ever into myself?

Peas on Toast said...

PS: hahahahahahahahahahaha