Friday, September 21, 2007

morning troll

I'm not nice when waking up.
Yeah, yeah, you say. Nobody is.

No, but shut up and listen for a second.
Not a good first-thing-in-the-morning person. Never have been, never will. Like, I don't just become instantly chipper. I know freaks who do, but it aint me. It takes an hour or so, after a strong cup of java, to even want to consider talking to anybody.
Ask my mother – she bitches and moans because I'm grumpy when I inconveniently have to rise in the mornings. The Ant dealt with this well, because she knew me.
But chatting brightly to me first thing, as I tumble out of bed is not always a good idea. Especially if it's intricate and detailed. It's like vocally encouraging a bomb to go off.
I will bite your head off, smallow it whole, and then spit out the sinew. At least until 10:00am.

I just can't have a conversation before I routinely do the following:
1)Engage in a morning piss
2)Have coffee

God forbid someone wakes me up before my alarm has gone off. Knocking on my door and saying, “Peas? Sorry man, did I wake you up?” isn't a great idea.

(Oh. My. God. Can it be?)

My eyes struggle to make sense of the fleshy humanoid mass standing aft of my door.

(Oh my Christ. My door. Is. Open. It opened. My. Door.)

Through the haze that is my abruptly-fucked REM sleep, I hear the garbled tones of a human voice box. It appears to be addressing me.
“Sorry to wake you, but...”

(Holy fuck. It's still talking.)

(I don't think it quite realises that the irritation I feel right now is about to kill it. “Death by Irritation” The Star front page headline looms...but the hopeful, yet sweet figure at my door fails to comprehend that just one more word, and I will eat it. Alive.)

Once my mother woke me up for a game drive at 4:00 am at the Kruger Park. What part of “I don't do the morning shift, why can't I just come on the late afternoon game drive, where I'm awake and am clutching a cold beer?” did she not fucking understand?

It was a horrible journey that taught all the chipper waker-uppers around me a heartfelt little lesson.
We saw lions copulating, which is apparently a massive talking point in game ranger circles, but all I could smell was feline guano and the familiar stench of Morning Has Broken.

I'm not good in the fucking mornings. Especially like today when I am so very hungover.


Lauren said...

Wait till you have kids ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Lauren - I really really can't wait.

No but seriously, having kids to me is about as foreign as Bucharest, luckily :)

Lauren said...

I am looking forward to reading your blog when it does happen, though - you'll probably be posting at 4am, never mind 8am. And I'll be rolling on the floor LMAO, as opposed to just sitting in my chair doing so :-))

Peas on Toast said...

You may just be right.

I didn't think I could be more of a psycho bitch from hell in the mornings as I am now.

But now that you mention it, I really could.

Satan is alive.

Lauren said...

The inner Satan that emerges on the birth of a child is something to behold...

Excuse me while I return to my coven now. I'll save you a place.


Peas on Toast said...


My hangover has just reached epic proportions...

Billy said...

Morning Peps,

Since i had my kid i have become a morning person but i cant make 10pm at night anymore!

Hangover details please. I live through you sometimes!

The Chiz said...

I a one of those chipper in the morning freaks.. you'd hate me!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - Hangover details. Well. I drank like it was Friday last night at a birthday party. 747 drove my car home, possibly on two wheels, but the details are hazy. I feel as though my insides have been removed with a shovel and replaced with a bag of dog manure. My eyes are watering, my head feels like Darfur, and I'm going to puke in about 5 seconds.

It's lank comfortable.

Chiz - Yes, I'd probably kill you. I won't lie. :)

ChewTheCud said...

Wicked idea - I reckon you'd be getting a call on Sunday morning or something at like 5 AM, if only I knew how to wake up that early ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Dude, call me at that time, and I'll bark down the telephone so loudly, your ears would fall off.

Or, maybe I just won't answer. Ha! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, dude, you're the culprit who phoned me early this morning, aren't you???

Couldn't suffer on your own, could you, needed to drag me into it, didn't you!!!

I am not, I repeat NOT a morning that early morning ringing of the cellphone was not appreciated...especially after last nights red wine and jagermeister.

You stole 45 precious minutes on my sleep!

Vengence is mine sayeth the REV.

SheBee said...


That'll teach you to do Phuza Thursdays!

Silly buggers!

Shame man. Mwah!

storm said...

i am possibly the worst morning person ever!!! and i don't even need the slightest hint of a hangover!

lucky for me my boss has made his peace with this, and doesn't have any meaningful conversations with me until bout 9....then it approaches the safe zone

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - No, dude. Wrong person. That was Chew The Cud. I phoned you at 3:00am after too many vodka tonics. That was me, but you seemed to enjoy the phone sex quite a bit :)

SheBee - I haven't Phuza'd for yonks. And now I remember why. But couldn't help it. Had to help my mate celebrate her birthday. Godda do it for the crew. :)

Storm - I might introduce the safe zone to mine too. It just isn't worth taking the risk with people like us. Even if someone told me I'd won a million bucks, I'd probably bit their heads off, then peruse the fact that I'm now rich after the fatal chomping.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, accidentally pushing a redial button while puking your guts out in the neighbours flower pot does not qualify as late nite phone sex!!!

Peas on Toast said...

No dude. Seriously that was Chew. He did exactly the same thing to me.

Does 'Lolita 123' not ring a bell? I mean, I put in a good effort.

Revolving Credit said...

Did you know that you make a funny humming sound while you puke? weird !!

Peas on Toast said...

That was my mating call! That's the last time I give you any telephonic loving.

Revolving Credit said...

Next time you do, can you hum "She'll be cumming round the mountain"

Following on from yesterdays sperm discussion, go read my latest post.
Maybe you'll learn not to be so wasteful with it, it's worth top dollar!

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