Friday, September 28, 2007

the stuff in there




This fine piece of aquatic underwear was found in the broom cupboard last night.

Having lived with someone new for over a month now, I've certainly learnt one thing, and that's the power of organisation. Through the medium of my new flatmate, Martha Stewart. She is incredibly house astute, and very, very brave.

She attacked the broom closet last night. The place where Ant and I would stuff random things into, close the doors and hope when we next need a towel/hammer/sun screen/dress up bikinis, that the whole thing wouldn't fall down, crush and asphyxiate us.

We were probably the messiest, most disorganised two friends – the Ant and I – to live together. Martha Stewart has breezed in and taken control, and I am both amazed and flabbergasted by her bravery. Although, come to think of it, no one I have ever lived with besides Martha has been particularly orderly.

It's one thing organising the kitchen cupboards (hmmm, what have we here? Tomato sauce circa 1945), or the garden outside (we've replanted the whole place, with manual labour and even watered it. Yeah, watered it).

But she did the Don't Go In There cupboard. And she told me excitedly what she found.

(She also mentioned that we make a dress-up clothes shelf. I'm liking this girl more and more. She loves dressing up, and we'd dedicate an entire shelf to one of my favourite past times? Fuck, she's great!)

But she found the following amongst other unmentionables:
Half a tool set

Empty bottles of sun block

This bikini (which I wore in Mozambique, fyi. The locals loved me)

10 Accounting & Macro Economic textbooks (ummmm....oh dear. Ex S didn't collect those.)

3 university files full of business science notes (fuck, can he leave everything here?)

A revolting mat from his varsity days

A hammer and three nails

An old cellphone

A fibre optic lamp

A blow up mattress

A blow up sheep (Australia Day 2002. In the US. Strapped lewdly to my digsmate)

Bicycle crap like tubes and energy sachets

Mosquito net

Reef shoes

A box of photos

The Zimbabwean flag



It's amazing what skeletons you can find in your own closet.

54 comments:

Leigh-Anne said...

That looks suspiciously like a thong...?

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne -
hello dollface! Maybe it is....and maybe it's isn't...and maybe it is....and maybe it isn't...:)

kyknoord said...

When she's done, I have a car that needs vacuuming.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Fuck it's great to have you back.

Once she's done with mine, I'll hand her over to you. :)

KaBtalk said...

Lol...it's like one of those bikinis you see on the hip hop banging music videos...all shiny-like!

Who's your pimp daddy?!?

Peas on Toast said...

KabTalk - isn't it amazing? Possibly the most revolting thing I ever bought. I mean, make no mistake, I love shiny stuff. But this thing but blinded people on the beach :)
And the cup holders are very granny-like, ironically.
:)

Storm said...

uhm peasy.....i was wondering.....could i borrow her for say uhm, like 2 weeks???? for an auditor i'm not a very orderly person and my pad needs a bit of sorting out:-) she'll hafta come home to you every night tho....no space

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - he he, I'll ask her! Honestly, my crib has never looked so organised and fantastic since I've lived there. Ex S and I were also extremely disorganised come to think of it. She's actually managed to find SPACE in a broom cupboard fulla crap.

And we're having a housewarming tonight, and the place has been transofrmed into a party palace. She's a good influence, because I'm also starting to organise my life and personal space too. She's brilliant.

Leigh-Anne said...

Ooooh sexy hoochie mama Peas!

Storm said...

no seriously!!! then i hafta have her!

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - me, a hoochie momma? Ha ha, now that is hysterical. I ate all the pies this winter remember, so God knows what kind of beached whale I'm gonna look like in the Seychelles next week!

Storm - I'm not sure I wanna give her up. Auction?

Storm said...

sure:-)...i'll outbid everyone! it's just 2 weeks peas....and she'll be home everynight...i'll make sure she's properly fed.
now come on....can you really refuse an offer like that??

yeah sure...a beached whale! i doubt it

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - bless your cotton doondies (about the beached whale part), but now 'fraid not - about sharing my flatmate. Unless, unless! You pay me too!

Now there's a deal I won't refuse. ;)

Leigh Anne said...

Peas, if your pics on Facebook are to be believed, you have a bod that would make Giselle and Naomi jealous...

I know it makes me jealous... :(

But hey, our boss has just yesterday completed the installation of our new gym... so summer bod here I come!

"Woman cannot dazzle by diet alone"

Storm said...

aaah.....well i guess it's negotiable:-)

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - you just made my year. And my 2008. That is really really sweet, thank you. :)

Storm - now you're talkin' :)

3rm said...

a new couch and a tidy flat. i think hell just froze over...

Revolving Credit said...

Shiny sparkly aqua thong??

It's bit like ass bling, isn't it?
***Rev starts humming 'Ass like that'***

You didn't find any actual skeletons in your closet did you?

A bit like:
'John went missing at the house warming party 2 years ago and we've always wondered what happened to him???"

SheBee said...

Brilliant. Now I don't feel so bad about my spare cupboard!

And good god, woman. You bought a shiny 'kini?

Peas on Toast said...

3rm - Oh my God. It speaks. It's alive. Now hell really froze over! :)

Revvie - you like that huh? You like it, (not the dead body, the bikini part...or both perhaps? ;)

SheBee - not only do I have this one, I have a gold bikini too. It's fuckin' fabulous! :)

The Divine Miss M said...

Why the Zimbabean flag out of interest? The other things do seem fairly vaild ... ;)

Blow the sheep up and make it your house mascot, sounds like a wonderful idea to me! *teehee*

Storm said...

oh nooooooo!!!!
i wouldn't do that!!! what if some drunk australian guy showed up at your place? although....i supposes it might be slightly entertaining in a sick sorta way

Peas on Toast said...

Divine - yeah, I think the sheep has a puncture unfortunately (and not in the mad-made hole it already has in its backside.) Otherwise I'd string it up from the rafters! :)

Zim flag - Ex S is a born and bred Rhodesian. Poor sod.

3rm said...

the hiatus had lasted long enough. i heard there was a shindig tonight to celebrate this introduction of order and civilisation to your home and thought i might make a guest appearance. i imagine that'll be the point when we see pigs flying across the night sky

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - that sheep has been privvy to all sorts of drunken and disgusting behaviour. Poor mouton...

Peas on Toast said...

3rm - I heard! Ant told me you would be pulling through, which is swell. Since I last heard from you in November, pigs may just fly. Or blow up sheep, either way. You'll be most impressed by the state of the domicile these days...it's really looking quite flash.

Awesome stinker, we'll see you later.
PS: Bring a lighter. The new flatmate won't tolerate us using the toaster to ignite our smokes.
he he he

Jam said...

I want one. Does it talk back?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - you upstairs doll?

I'd get you a sheep, but I haven't the foggiest where this one came from.
Last I saw it in use was in the US when we lived there. How it made it back through customs is beyond me...

Revolving Credit said...

I want one. Does it talk back?

Jam,not sure what you're refering to?

-Blowup sheep
-Blingkini
-Martha Stewart
-3rd Room Mate

Peas on Toast said...

Rev, I'll answer those questions:

1) When you squeeze it's ass it emits a squeaking sound, like what sheep do in Oztraylia.

2) The blinkini don't need to talk. It already has enough personality.

3) She talks alright. She also folds towels like a demon. :)

4) I thought he'd died over the last year, but it appears he talks again. :)

Revolving Credit said...

3 - Martha Stewart or Pretty??

Peas on Toast said...

Pretty has been slacking off lately.
Big time. Folding towels isn't something she's done in weeks. Sigh.

Revolving Credit said...

Has Martha uncovered any other sex toys besides that sheep??

Peas on Toast said...

What sex toys? ;)

Ssssh dude, one thing at a time!

SilverSabre said...

That bikini (thong?) is rather blinding..altho I must say I am surprised no one pointed out the equal electric hue of the carpet*? I mean talk about instant epileptic episode.

*stands to be corrected. possibly a towel. or rug. or other brightly coloured material thing.

Peas on Toast said...

SilverSabre - why hello there!

Yes, I'm glad someone finally noticed. It's a rug, and it's nice and fluffy too. Known to blind people as much as the blinkini....
:)

Revolving Credit said...

Is your rug a sex toy??

SheBee said...

All I can think about now is carpet burns...


:/

Peas on Toast said...

Depends. Can a bed be defined as a sex toy? Can anything you horizontally play on be a sex toy, Revvie?

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - yah those guys hurt. Just ask Mr 747.

Juuuuuuuuust kidding!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, no seriously.

SilverSabre said...

Hmm..i have wooden floors. if you think carpet burns are bad try some extended action on hard laminate...

Oh speaking of extended action, Peas my dear, you have been pimped :) Dunno if it means much, considering my long siesta from the world of the blog, but its there for what its worth.

SS

Revolving Credit said...

If it's touch turns your on, it's a sex toy, or has the potential of been used as one.

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