Tuesday, September 11, 2007

stupid books

You know how those self-help books tell you to be an independent, powerful woman and 'seize back your life' or some arbitrary bullshit like that?

Well I read this the other day: Go out at least twice a week without your partner. And if you don't go out, pretend that you are out already.

What the fuck? That's hilarious. What kind of mental psychopathism are they actually suggesting? Pretend you're out? I can just imagine the conversation:

Guy: Hey, so what you up to?
Girl: I'm at this awesome party, man. Wow it really...rocks.
Guy: Is it a party for one, because it sounds pretty quiet there.
Girl: That's because I'm...in the toilet. I can't hear through the noise.
Guy: Who're you there with?
Girl: Oh heaps of people...like Gloria and Dennis and Trevor and Gary.
Guy: Oh that's weird, I just saw Gary at touch rugby.
Girl: Oh.
{pause}
He came here afterwards.
Guy: Is that Lionel Richie playing in the background?

Or worse:

Guy: You're at a party? Then why do I see you sitting slumped spread-eagle in your doondies, stuffing a barrel of Pringles in your pie-hole and watching the Jerry Springer Show?
Girl: No I'm not.
Guy: I'm standing at your front door.
Girl: Oh.

What a load of shit. Just go out. Seriously.

PS: Flying out of the Eastern Cape this morning and back to the Big Smoke. Big thanks to the organisers got me down to Grahamstown for the DCI and Highway Africa, it really was splendid.

PPS: The poor dude I was staying with, last night, passed a kidney stone. One minute we were sitting on the deck, quaffing wine and talking shit - the next: he was doubled over in pain, shaking and vomiting. Hectic. The doctor made a house call and pumped him full of morphine (or the likes). You don't want one of those kidney stone thingies. From the looks of things.

26 comments:

KaBtalk said...

Them games are silly...you'll only get caught out in the end!

I feel like Pringles now! Damn you Peas!

Betenoir said...

..here's what I do

person who is not me: "so, what are you up to this evein?"
me:" nothing. I'm too old and boring. I hate going out"
pwinm:"you're not old an boring...come on, come out!"

instant invitation.

the problem is I am old and boring...so i usually stay home, eat cookies and watch jack bauer shoot people in the knees...

Champagne Heathen said...

Hey? I am just struggling to make time for the guy, even though I am trying to rejuggle my usual events and commitments, let alone pretend I don't have time to make.

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - me too. Am sitting in PE airport. I wonder if they know what Pringles are here...

Bete - I'm not boring, but I'm certainly getting old. The boring bit should fall into place after this Friday (sigh)

Champagne - Yeah, exactly. And to think most of these books are best sellers. Crazy.

lordwiggly said...

Haha, that is some funny shit Peas! But not the kidney-stone. I always thought I was pretty fearless until I learnt about kidneystones. Seriously, something hard and pea-sized being passed all the way through your member and out your Jap's-eye? The thought of it gives me nightmares.

Oh, and Bete, you ain't old and boring babe. Quite an interesting crumpet you are ;)

SheBee said...

lionel richie?!

GET OUT OF PE, ITS MAKING YOUR HEAD GO FUNNY!

Nosjunkie said...

giggle Burp

I think that some times I sound like one of those self help books

Baglett said...

Hey Peas! Me again! Any chance of a link to my page :)

Peas on Toast said...

Lord - shot :) Yeah, I guess chicks would have it better - you know, sans Japs Eye and all.

SheBee - Lionel has been my number One Guy since forever babe. Respek!

Nosjunkie - I've decided that all self help books should say one thing:
Your matra: I AM NOT BOVVERED.

Baglett - coming right up...this century I swear. Still have to change Ant's too, since she aint my flatmate no more :(

Revolving Credit said...

Shouldn't you have taken Chad with to the Rat??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I had a jaeger or five for him. He was proud.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
As always you post made me smile. ;)

Shampooo,
You are starting to sound like my previous 2 female encounters. They are also the only 2 women out of all x'es I do not intend seeing again.

"Always busy, busy, busy and men are just so needy."

There is never a good time for anything - you need to make time, if you want that particular "type" time. << did that make any sense? :P

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks D-Guy :)

Daedalus said...

you = your

^^ up there - you will learn to speak D-Guy if you know that. Hahahah!

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