Friday, October 19, 2007

how not to buy condoms

Jesus. Traumatic.

Enter Engen Quick-Shop. Hate this. Worst thing in the whole world next to amoebic dysentry. Grab a basket.
Hurl in a bottle of antifreeze, a Heat magazine, two TV dinners, cupcakes, spare sparkplugs and a two litre juice. Scan the shop. Still too busy.

Throw in a bottle of Fissan's nappy rash cream, a bag of cotton swabs, something called 'gripe water.'

Shop now quasi-empty except for one lady – 30ish – at counter. Fuck. Maybe by the time I ask she'll be gone. (She's not, evidentally.)

Quickly scan the condom rack – don't want to fucking stare at it – Christ – and make note to ask for first brand I see in 0.2 seconds of condom scanage.
Be cool. Be cool. Oh God, pretend you're normal.

Enter first Condom Buying obstacle.

Lady, ironically named Inconspicuous, behind counter: Will that be all? [scans everything]
Peas: Erm no. Don't giggle, ferfucksakes, hold it together. Hold. It. Together.
A box of Marlboro Lights and... [lowers voice] Stop blushing, fuck can I ignite myself on fire, and erm..some of those, you know, Fetherlites. [The last word is a whisper, because everyone can hear me.]
Lady: Some what?
Peas: [gnashing teeth] Feather. Lites.
Lady: A lighter?
Peas: Sure, why not.

Lady tallies it up. What a fuck up. I can't opt out now. Like always, I start giggling hysterically, blushing and pretend to play with my cellphone. Push buttons furiously.

OK. Breathe. Ask again.

Peas: Oh...and also a box of FetherLites.
Peas: [squeaks].
Lady: THESE? [Points. Might as well have a strobe light over my head right now.]
Peas: [Jesus Christ, fuck.] Yes. Now that EVERYONE IN THIS SHOP KNOWS WHAT I'M DOING TONIGHT, why not announce it over the loudspeaker?

Fuck, too late...

Lady: CONSTANCE! Constance! uFetherLites.
Constance: Eish wena. What?
Peas: You know what, let's just forget the whole thing.
Lady: You want the FetherLites or not?
Peas: Fine.
Lady: uFetherLites, over there! One amaFETHERLITES, DUREX, uFETHERLITES, WENA! Yabonga!
Peas: [under breath] I'm going to kill myself.

Tumbled outside, red, giggling and not coping and trip over a brick.

The brick knocked some sense into me: it's time to look for alternative contraception (one without hormones.) I can't handle this. And why, oh God WHY don't they stock condoms in the aisle like other fucking merchandise? So I can pick and choose by myself?
For fuck sakes, the pads and tampons are in the aisle, why can't the condoms be too? I would probably blush asking for “Kotex Maxi Pads” or “Heavy Flow Lillets,” hell. They just do this too purposefully embarrass people like me.

Mental note: Always buy the 50-dome Valu-Pack at Clicks. These stand the test of time.


KaBtalk said...

Guess who got all this morning, guess who got it all last night *can't help but sing that song*!

Not only did the whole shop know that you were giong to shag last night but so too does the entire blogosphere now!

You're my idol!

* be like Peas*

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - hahahaha, bless ya! :)

But I still don't get it: why don't they stock these godforsaken things in the bloody aisle?

KaBtalk said...

Probably cos they get bored working there & want to watch customers blush & squirm while playing with their phones & buying unnecessary things until they give in & say quite loudly 'yes, the Fetherlites!'


Oh dear...they took the mickey out of you!

Peas on Toast said...

They really did.

They must love torturing their customers.
I certainly am not going back there in a hurry!

Nessers said...

Oh god this post is going to be me soon. I feel your pain.

I may never have sex again just based on the fact that I have to ask someone to put them on hehehe - I have not done that in 8 years *groan*

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - hold the phone, you haven't had sex in 8 years? Hectic, well good luck and I'm sure it's like riding a bicycle - once you learn you never forget!


Revolving Credit said...

You could always ask Champs to deliver you a crate full, then you wouldn't have to visit the Engen for at least a month.

PS. The Fissan's nappy rash cream, bag of cotton swabs and 'gripe water', is that part of a longer-term backup plan is case the condom buying is unsuccessfull??

Revolving Credit said...

Nessers, you haven't had sex in 8 years or you haven't had 'protected' sex is 8 years??

I'm not sure which is worse?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I only use Durex. Just in case, so that I DON'T need the back-up plan stuff!
And no, I was just feverishly throwing things in the basket to look like I was there for grocery shopping.

Revolving Credit said...

Why not make the guy buy the condom?

Unless, of couse, you're not sure which guy you're gonna be shagging??

Peas on Toast said...

We've agreed to take turns. Next time it's him! And best he gets the Valu-Pack so we go through this trauma as little as possible.

Jenty said...

PMSL!! That's hillarious.

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas

Good on you for asking for condoms and drawing attention to it - although you wanted to die, you set an example for the other people in the shop ;-)

I remember buying a maxi box at Dischem and a woman was staring at me and eventually I turned around and said, "At least I'm being responsible." Don't need the side order of judgement while buying condoms!

Peas on Toast said...

Jenty - glad I cold entertain :)

Boldly - too true! The reason we get so embarrassed is because we reckon the whole shop is judging us - and maybe they are - but for Pete's sake, at least we're being responsible! Next time I get any, I'm going to take your line babe - "what? Haven't you seen a condom before or something?"

Elle said...

hahahaha.. OMG Peas that is funny... I dont think I would have done any better though.. I would have probably typed it out on my cell and showed it to her while failing to supress my fits of giggle.

We have a collage of condoms on our office wall. We have them in hundreds.. I could send you some if you want to avoid future loudspeaker announcements... ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - you're a genius! That is the best idea I've heard all week - type request into cellphone and make the lady read it! Sheer brilliance :)

Thanks for the condom offer - but it's his turn now. I wanna see how well HE manages this!:) *evil cackle*

Nessers said...

Peas I have had lots of sex in the last 8 years hehehe - just did not need to ask him to wear condoms for obvious reason - commited relationship and vasectomy.

Now I find myself single again and at some point will need to ask someone to wear them - soooooooo not looking forward to that

Jam said...

Clicks is best, agreed. Take it in turns? Will he take it in turns to get the pill??

Peas on Toast said...

Bessers - ah. Was just going to say, that's rather a long time!
Yes, I had to go through that too, after my longterm relationship. It's not easy. Good luck!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - damn straight. He will get the valu-pack from Clicks, I have made sure of it! And no pill for me - the hormones fuck with me and turn me into a psycho bitch from hell.

Will have to weigh up other options.

Vimbai said...

Hahaha, that was hilarious! Glad someone is getting some tho :-) That experience is traumatic at best, up there with slinking to the pharmacy the morning after to purchase the (aptly named) morning after pill when one of those latex bad-boys gets ideas of its own....that is a tale for another day, eish!

Have a fantastic weekend :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - hel, yes, that's SO much worse. Always take a friend. Or the guy in question. Always! Cannot do that alone, evah.

Have a great weekend too!

Jam said...

But really really hate condoms, as neccessary as the damn things are...

Anonymous said...

omigod you make me scream!
i had a remarkably similar experience but there was a queue of men behind me and i was in a bikini and skimpy top. in chilly aircon...
o the shame

Sweetass RSA said...

i hate condoms...can't imagine "getting there" with one...i was at dischem the other day...this girl comes in and asks the girl behind the counter in a voice so loud you can't believe it... I NEED THE MORNING AFTER PILL PLEASE... the whole dischem gasped...funny stuff... go get a marena fitted...lasts 5 years...AND you prob won't have a period again for 5 yrs...


Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oh my good, nipplitis on top of condom purchasing! That succcks...:)

Peas on Toast said...

Sweetass - The Mirena has hormones in it, and although some of my mates have it, they say it's better after you've given birth...I dunno. Maybe worth a try, one day.

And that's balls, that chick had! Maybe I'll do that next time: FIVE BOXES OF ROUGH RIDERS PLEASE, CAN U HEAR THAT EVERYONE, I'M GETTING LAAAAAAAAID TONIGHT. :)

3rm said...

you're looking at this all wrong. if there are twenty people in the shop at the time at least fifteen aren't getting laid. either too old, to smelly, whatever. when you buy condoms it should be a proclamation that you're the cool kid in the room. at least you're getting some. and thats probably what they're thinking too...

3rm said...

you're looking at this all wrong. if there are twenty people in the shop at the time at least fifteen aren't getting laid. either too old, to smelly, whatever. when you buy condoms it should be a proclamation that you're the cool kid in the room. at least you're getting some. and thats probably what they're thinking too...

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - I've heard of people like you before. Okes like you walk into the shop and ask for the extra large condoms. And turn around to the other customers and say, "Whose the stud now, bitch?"


I know someone like that. I only wish I could do the same! :)

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - PS: You've got a girlfriend, you've got a girlfriend! You better pop round this week and tell me about her rack. By the sounds of things, it sounds rather large :)

Ordinarylife said...

I found out a couple of months ago my brother was regularly buying bumper packs of condoms at Clicks - using my loyalty card. He thought he was doing me a favour getting me more points. He must buy a hell of a lot, you should see the amount of Cashback vouchers I get.

Although I can just imagine my consumer profile....

SheBee said...

Jaysus.H.Crystal, that was fucking fabulous to read!


I am *exactly* like that. Especially with tampons.


I hope 747 has it even worse next time.

Peas on Toast said...

OrdinaryLife - wahahah! Some top Clicks manager guy out there thinks you're getting some! Does it say what types he was buying? That would make all the more kinkier...

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - yeah I'm a serious prude when it comes to openly buying this stuff. I have no idea why. Can talk about it on screen (it's easier when I can't see whose reading this face to face), but in open borad daylight? No thanks!

And I agree with you on the tampon issue as well. It's not my favourite.

Champagne Heathen said...

Yeah for you for promoting safe sex.

I also always wonder why the condoms have to go behind the counter. I guess if they were in the aisle so many more people would steal them rather than the embarrasement incured when paying for them.

And most importantly... did you pick up some panadoes for me while you there. Damn champagne headaches.

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - Yeah maybe people would steal them more, but then maybe it's a necessary evil? Yeah, so a few condoms get stolen...that means a few less AIDS virii spread around.

The way I see it, condoms in the aisles is a win-win situation.

I'm going to write to Durex and ask them for a plausible explanation, as well as a free bumper pack of their finest.

Champagne Heathen said...

Ooo ooo... you should buy the latest GLAMOUR magazine... Durex VERY SWEETLY put free samples of sensitising lube in the mag.

Now I just need to get someone worthy of helping me try it out.

I'm still looking for guinea pigs to try the Femidom for me... you two keen?

Peas on Toast said...

"You two keen?" Well I presume it's only one of us trying it, dude!

I'm keen. How much LESS safe is it to a condom? Like, is it at least 96% effective like the condom? And how does it work? Give me the rundown on the Femidon, and I'll certainly give it a bash!

Champagne Heathen said...

Yeah but he has to also be party to the noises of it.

It is as safe as a male condom. You insert it up you, and let the open part hang out of you. Never use a male and female condom together... the friction of the two could cause tearing of the condoms...

Great. I'll drop one off soon enough.

zuzula said...

I get mine free from the family clinic... although I've just waved farewell to them, yay ;)

zuzula said...

(oops - family planning clinic!)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - Oh my god, I've just had to stifle my laughter. "Hang out of me?" What hangs out of me? Am I missing something? It sounds....delicious.

Will check the link to your site. And do a bit more research on these, um, romantic sounding buggers.

Zu - oooh you've discarded the condoms? This must be a serious step indeed! Nice babe! x

Peas on Toast said...

PS: Champs you link is cut off - can you split it in two please, cos I can't get onto it!

Champagne Heathen said...

Say what now about splitting things in two? Too technical a demand for my head today.

Like this?


Or look in my Archives on the right side of my blog... it is the 1 titled "Would you, could you, have you..."

And for less imaginative people... google image "femidom". Umm...though... this might be somebody only in my line of work can happily do on the office net.

(If you appreciated this advice, the advisor would be highly appreciative of you showing this by passing her the panadoes)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - perfect thanks. Can I buy these at a chemist like condoms? (And hopefully in the aisle like the normal merchandise and not behind the flipping counter!)

Panados. Hmm, can I suggest asking your boss with puppy dog eyes if you can go home to rest your weary head?

Champagne Heathen said...

No, this is the major flaw behind the damn things... where to actually find them. They're free. But they can't be found. Aaah, the flaws of our basic national health.

You're in town now... so just go across to the Dept. of Health, into their bathrooms & you should be able to find some there. AND if you are lucky enough, you can be like me, and end up there on condom delivery day... crates and crates of the things in the foyer!! (No, these were not the controversial ones, which apparently are still safe, even if they did not get the final stamp of approval).

No can do with the boss... All the damn colleagues suddenly have excitedly decided we are going to drink this afternoon. I cannot say no without having to explain why. And if I explain why, they're gonna put me into AA at this rate. I will just have to suck it up & drink. Oh the irony.

Peas on Toast said...

Hmmm. OK will give it some thought and see what I can do. Thanks for all your info.
And good luck with the hangover!

ThomG said...

Too damn funny. At least they didn't call on the loudspeaker for a price check.

Peas on Toast said...

Thom - they might as well, the way they were going on! :)

crayola dude said...

I dunno, I quite enjoy buying them.

Shoulders back, jaw squared, and a full, confident voice that says 'I'm getting my end off tonight. What are YOU doing?'...

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Chris M said...

This is most probably the best post I've ever read in my life! Good on you Peas!!

*continues to laugh at the reality*

Anonymous said...

Let me get this right Peas...Your problem is the embarrasment you feel when you ask for a condom in public. How about weighing that out with the embarassment you might feel if you were asking for an anti-retroviral in public, because the humiliation can only get worse. What happened to the times when getting some was something you wanted to write home about? We've now become such prudes that we now skrik at passing on the knowledge that we get some whilst other dream of it and never get every day. Very well written areticle, but i think you need to let people know that using a condom is respectable and not a dodgy antic that should be down undercarpet.

masha said...

Ja I've also wondered why they cant just put them in the aisle. I once had to buy some spermicide. I ask the lady behind the counter - "Can I have some spermicide?" She says: "What?" "SPERMICIDE" "Whats that for?" "YOU USE IT TO KILL SPERM!"

"Oh. Yes we've got some"


arbitraryuser said...

Oh Peas... This reminds me to blog about an experience I had.

Was in a Clicks, just bought a 12 pack (because I *hate* buying condoms) but I was carrying about a gazillion other bags from other shops.

When the time came to sign the slip I had only had one hand free so I said "sorry, I've got my hands full" while I struggled to sign the tiny moving piece of paper.

"Yes" she said, "I can see that".

She was either the sharpest or most oblivious cashier ever.

Her smirk made me think the former.


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Worsbeursie said...

What I do is act like I'm really confident and ask in a really loud and cocky voice, like I want everyone to know that, yes, I'm having sex tonight, aren't we all? It is interesting to see the cashier getting embarrassed. Even though I'm still dying inside, hoping for an armed robber to storm in and kill me first.

lester said...

Even though i've read this at least half a dozen times, passed it on to all my friends and even know a few bits by rote, this still makes me giggle m arse off.

And boys apparently, shouldn't giggle. unless they live in greenpoint.

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John Harris said...

Here's a little marketing secret that'll help avoid problems buying condoms altogether.

Those durex (or other name brand) condoms you bought are no more reliable than any other condoms made to international specs. That's right, the free Choice condoms the DOH gives away are at least as good as the ones you can buy. I've been to the factory, reviewed the processes, tested the condoms. In fact, because the free ones are likely 'fresher,' they're probably better. Fresher means more stretchy, less smelly, stronger, more comfortable.

Unless you need colours or flavours, it's a waste of money to buy condoms in a shop.

(I've been importing and marketing condoms for 18 years in five different countries.)

Dana said...

true true...

talk about embarrassing i was between Fokal-mense-fontain and nerensville and the pharmacist behind he register wouldn't give me the God Dam things unless i told him that I was in a committed relationship and plan on marrying the man and THEN.... he told me that if the condom were to break I must promise him that I would opt out of an abortion.

where's the common decency, don't sell the flippin things if they come with a check list for compatible users!


cyrus said...

A really great read. When I was younger, I too was embarrassed to buy them. My first GF had to do the shopping for these. However, I now have no qualms to buy these anywhere. I usually take a variety of models and then try to see how much I can make the cashier squirm... so I always choose the most promising cashier, usually the shy-looking one or the most timid, though I avoid the very youngest if I can.
Its fun to watch them squirm and take my embarrassment away.

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