Wednesday, October 31, 2007

the rock of it

I went for a drink with The Dove last night, and as always, it was fucking great to catch up with her. She's really one of my greatest friends.

We chatted trust.
In all relationships – friendship, lovership, and othership. It takes a moment to gain, and if broken, a jolly long time to rebuild.

I don't for shit trust the dude who talks to me while I withdraw cash at the ATM, or those who talk business like it's something easy to do, or anyone who looks slightly sketchy. But that's just common sense and experience.
I do trust my boyfriend, my maid, my best mates, my employers, my family and the corner cafe guy across the road. To a degree. It's all varying degrees, this trust thing.

The hardwired cynic in me says not to trust anyone. The skeptic in me says to trust only myself. Who knows what people do with my personal information? Perhaps the people I'm closest to tell me one thing and do another? Who knows what they tell other people when I confide in them? Who knows what they've really done? Who knows what they really do period?

People live double lives. I know. Just ask my father.

I'm well aware that trust is the one branch of my parents divorce that's scarred me. It was the first time in my life where I experienced shattered trust, and it affected me deeply. My mother trusted my dad for 23 years. Then he went Mid-Life Crisising behind her back. Surprise! He's not who you thought he was.

It's putting your whole life in someone's hands. And quite frankly, after trusting too many people who have let me down in the past, it's a fucking hard thing to do. I really have to make an effort to trust people. I have to literally tell myself to do it and remind myself that it's “what people do when they open themselves up.” It's a completely conscious thing for me.

Trust can be broken. And it can happen so quickly, and so unexpectedly. Broken trust isn't always a showdown of a crazy-as-fuck story where the person screams “But I fucking trusted you!” It can happen slowly. Lying causes suspicion, which inevitably causes a slow and formulaic breakdown in trust. It's that fragile. A person can cheat, and that's trust gone in one foul swoop – but lying, it's a slow degradation of everything. Dove has had her shit's worth of lying. She has finally found someone trustworthy, and I am thrilled for her.

Trust is held in our hands as an orb crafted from the finest glass. One jolt or touch and the whole bloody thing will shatter. And it takes a good long time to glue it back together.

I am holding this thing, and nurturing it. Hoping it won't break. Reminding myself that trust is the ultimate in letting go and opening up.

It's a process.


Jam said...

It took me over a year to learn how to trust again post my previous break up. And just as I started trusting again, the person I was trusting walked out, claiming I didn't trust him. Now that hurts like hell.
The thing about trust is the wat in which it is perceived. I think it's also all about trusting yourself with yourself enought to be able to open up to another person. And if that person is unable to trust themselves or the world, it makes this very difficult.
You're brave and wonderful and gorgeous and I think it's fantastic that you're opening up. And also that you see the beautiful value of trust and are prepared to nurture it. Nice post.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - yeah it's such a fragile thing isn't it? Honestly, it is the rock or fundamental block to all relationships. And not trusting is exhausting, I'd rather be able to just trust everyone, and if they hurt me, well, they hurt me. Shit it's hard hey. Anyway, thanks for your kind words, and yes, I'm trying really hard. The part is addressing the fact I have trust issues - and it came to me via an inconvenient epiphany yesterday during a heavy workload at the office. :)

Leigh Anne said...

Very good post, Peas!

Read and reread it a few times. Had me thinking for a while...

I don't trust easily. Don't believe in unconditional love either. Sometimes, I don't believe in love at all.

I've never met a man who doesn't cheat or lie, never met a man I can trust completely. Every time I think I can trust, or think I can begin to love, I get burnt. Don't like that feeling, so now I don't trust anymore.

Something I have learned though, is that because I go through life thinking that all men are inconsiderate, lying, cheating arseholes, THAT'S THE ONLY TYPE OF MEN I MEET.

This year, I've been working on changing that attitude. It's been really hard going, but I'm working on it. It's a continuous journey, not a destination, and when I read posts like your post today, it gives me hope.

Thanks, Peas.

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh-Anne - no thank you babe! Tis true, if you believe that someone is going to hurt you or betray your trust, the chances are he/she probably will. It's a vicious little circle. So there's a serious life-changing journey in learning to trust and to let go. It takes balls.

Especially if you've been burnt before. Good luck, it sounds like you're doing well! :) xx

Vimbai said...

Amazing post Peas, we appear to live semi-parallel lives in respect to the trust.

I saw my parents marriage of 26yrs unravel before my very eyes due to infidelity and the like, and it broke me. Like Meredith in Grey's, i got all dark and twisty for a bit..then learnt that i gotta give relationships my all, even if the flipside is that i get hurt or walked-over, at least i gave my 100%.

Everything that happens is just one of life's lessons, the last thing i want to do is bring all my unresolved baggage into a new relationship, its unfair to the other person. I've learnt that there are people out there, who are not complete fuck-ups and dare i say it, trustworthy :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - wow, so yours too? Yeah I relay my trust issues back to my father's infidelity, but also my past relationships and such. I am just hardwired to be on guard the moment I feel something is up. It's horrible, I fucking hate it.

Anyway you're right. I also believe that it's 100% or nothing at all. And so I'm addressing my trust issues for the first time possibly ever. I didn't even think I had any, then it suddenly all made sense. So the first step to addressing them means I can hopefully learn to trust people completely. I really really want to.


Sweetass RSA said... there's a touchy lost my trust when i got divorced...and i can't seem to get it back...the trust i was so much a part of me and now it's left me cynical and's not who i am...scary how one person can disappoint you so bad that you never want to trust another person ever again...sigh...will have to get over this one soon...a relationship without trust...not a good idea...good post peas...made me think!

not a fairy tale princess said...

Trust. Wow, what a topic. I think I could talk about it for hours. It takes so long to build and is so easily broken and so hard to repair. I can honestly say that besides my parents and future in laws, I don't know a single woman who hasn't been cheated on or a man who hasn't cheated. So what does that mean? Do we just accept that all men cheat? I've always found it difficult to open up to people - just my personality I suppose - and when I did my trust was shattered. Now it's more difficult than ever for me to trust. It makes me feel sick sometimes. Ironically, my boyfriend told me when I first met him that he accepts that all people will eventually let him down so he forgives people when he first meets them before they do and when they do he lets it go over him like water off a duck's back. Maybe I should have done that when I first met him! But it does seem that all men cheat. I was thinking about it the other day when I was watching queen Oprah and I came to the realisation that those marriages that last 50 years, etc. have probably not lasted so long because nothing went wrong, but probably because the wife forgave the husband at one or more stages for wrongs done. I think that's probably the reality of it. So I've accepted that life will never be perfect and that sometimes you just have to make concessions. Sorry to be so pessimistic.

Fatoumatta said...

trust really is the easiest to loose, to get but once gone, hardest to've u been??wan invite u to ma blog any time u feel like,just mail me on

Peas on Toast said...

Sweetass - yeah, it's kinda like touching a hot stove, and thereafter you know you never want to touch it again. I hope it works out and you manage to trust someone again. It's never easy. x

Fairytale - hello love. Yip, I find it hard to accept that men aren't programmed to cheat - it's genetically ingrained for them to sow their wild oats and procreate. But I also know that women cheat too. So it does work both ways, for whatever reasons. And you're right - no marraige is paved in gold - especially these days, so those who have been together for 50 years probably have forgiven each other for many things, over and over again. But that's what makes it rather special, don't you think? It's fucking rare, and it's never going to be easy 100% of the time, but they've somehow made their way through it. But trust is a serious thing in relationships, and I'm starting to learn and address it - although like you, have my serious moments of pessimism too. Thinking of you. x

Peas on Toast said...

fatoumatta - hey! Touche :) Cool, I'd dig to see you blog.

not a fairy tale princess said...

I'm not always pessimistic peas :) What you said about marriages is true. The ones that last are the ones where there's been alot of forgiving, etc. And it is special. But that's the point I'm trying to make: it is bloody difficult (in the words of chris martin: nobody said it was easy; no-one ever said it be this hard) but you have to compromise alot and if there are mistakes you have to be willing to forgive. It's a concious choice. But there needs to be alot of substance as well to hold everything together through the hard bits or it won't withstand trials. So I guess that's what we need to find, and if you find it, hold on to it and build on it. Then you can survive bad times - if you both really love each other. And if you do really love each other you can probably overcome anything, however difficult and painful it may be at the time. See: optimism!

Insane Insomniac said...

Not to sound like an X Files fan, but i agree with them - trust no one. Easy as that.

Happy Halloween!

Peas on Toast said...

fairytale - you're absolutely right. And in theory, it makes a lot of sense. As did Karl Marx, in theory. In reality it's tough. Here's hoping we get through it alive. xx

Gillian Anderson, I mean Insomniac - happy Hallowe'en to you too - I almost forgot! If any little brats arrive on my doorstep wanting sweets, I'll have to give them wine. Is that wrong? ;)

not a fairy tale princess said...

P.s. I think fatoumatta might be a cyber bot.

Nessers said...

You are right about trust. Once it's broken thats it - you can;t fix it no matter what people say cos it will always be in the back of the "betrayed" person that well he/she did it before why should I believe them now. Its impossible to go back and it is impossible to go forward with the same degree of trust you had before. You may have an abridged version of that trust but it will never ever be fully regained. Its a pity the person breaking the trust does not consider that before doing something stupid or unintentional but that I suppose is what makes us human

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - that's good what you said, I liked that, and it stuck out for me: we ARE all human. At the end of the day, nobody's perfect. And we make mistakes, and we learn from them...or at least try to. Each case of broken trust is different too, and although tragic, can be rebuilt with enough love, patience and care.

Leigh Anne said...

Here's a quote I came across a while ago:

"Trust is like toothpaste. Every time you mislead people even a little bit, some gets out of the tube. Once it’s out of the tube, it is really tough to get it back in. Once you have wounded people, they don’t look at you the same way. Your past words have made your future words suspect."

Peas on Toast said...

Wow, touche Leigh Anne - so very true.

Anonymous said...

'Without trust the imagination builds a reality that does not exist'

Peas on Toast said...

Correct Anon.

Although, that reality may exist, actually. If you "think" he's cheating or something, and he really is.

But I hear you.