I went for a drink with The Dove last night, and as always, it was fucking great to catch up with her. She's really one of my greatest friends.
We chatted trust.
In all relationships – friendship, lovership, and othership. It takes a moment to gain, and if broken, a jolly long time to rebuild.
I don't for shit trust the dude who talks to me while I withdraw cash at the ATM, or those who talk business like it's something easy to do, or anyone who looks slightly sketchy. But that's just common sense and experience.
I do trust my boyfriend, my maid, my best mates, my employers, my family and the corner cafe guy across the road. To a degree. It's all varying degrees, this trust thing.
The hardwired cynic in me says not to trust anyone. The skeptic in me says to trust only myself. Who knows what people do with my personal information? Perhaps the people I'm closest to tell me one thing and do another? Who knows what they tell other people when I confide in them? Who knows what they've really done? Who knows what they really do period?
People live double lives. I know. Just ask my father.
I'm well aware that trust is the one branch of my parents divorce that's scarred me. It was the first time in my life where I experienced shattered trust, and it affected me deeply. My mother trusted my dad for 23 years. Then he went Mid-Life Crisising behind her back. Surprise! He's not who you thought he was.
It's putting your whole life in someone's hands. And quite frankly, after trusting too many people who have let me down in the past, it's a fucking hard thing to do. I really have to make an effort to trust people. I have to literally tell myself to do it and remind myself that it's “what people do when they open themselves up.” It's a completely conscious thing for me.
Trust can be broken. And it can happen so quickly, and so unexpectedly. Broken trust isn't always a showdown of a crazy-as-fuck story where the person screams “But I fucking trusted you!” It can happen slowly. Lying causes suspicion, which inevitably causes a slow and formulaic breakdown in trust. It's that fragile. A person can cheat, and that's trust gone in one foul swoop – but lying, it's a slow degradation of everything. Dove has had her shit's worth of lying. She has finally found someone trustworthy, and I am thrilled for her.
Trust is held in our hands as an orb crafted from the finest glass. One jolt or touch and the whole bloody thing will shatter. And it takes a good long time to glue it back together.
I am holding this thing, and nurturing it. Hoping it won't break. Reminding myself that trust is the ultimate in letting go and opening up.
It's a process.