Monday, November 26, 2007

it's well bad

Oh my crap.
This is well shameful.

Friday was dumb and boring – we had a Baron session.
Saturday, was fun. I think. Fuck. Don't do what I did, kids. Ever.

I checked my phone Sunday morning – head reeling in post-debauched headache – and I found that I'd tried to send all of my phone recipients this message:
Vietecal hugetiontiontt homet at all is increming. Vietecs the AMAZING THERE IS GOD.
I imagine I tried to send that to C, probably trying to tell her I was home safely at 2:00am, but honestly, I cannot be sure.

I remember singing karaoke at a Big In Japan party. I remember meeting new people. I remember getting acquainted with a watermelon, and handing around the diabolical punch inside it with a ladle. I remember enjoying this punch immensely. I remember dancing like Scatman John. I remember karaoke, and general overindulgence and fraternisation. Jesus, then that's about it. Because I don't remember anything in between leaving the party and waking up the next morning. Hollllly fuck.

There must be angels. I believe finally that there have to be a group of saccharine angels looking over me.

Martha Stewart filled me in on the details. I got home with a whole lot of snacks. (I stopped at the Engen garage?) - the next day finding Fritos next to the toilet - then spilt coke over my nice new polka dot shorts, then I told her that “you know those white things in the middle of the road?” Martha: The lines, you mean. “Yes those things. Anyway, I couldn't see them.”

I was so wrecked, from the cane in the watermelon (I drank cane?! Ah. It all makes sense now.) that I don't remember stopping off for snacks, leaving the party, and driving altogether.

That is terribly shameful. And kids, you don't want to ever do that. Had the cops stopped me, they wouldn't have needed to breathalise me. I was dressed up like the Japan flag – had red lipstick all over my face, looked rather disheveled and was monumentally and properly fucked.

I won't do that again. How did this happen? And I am alive? Seriously? That fucking watermelon and its contents. Damn you watermelon punch, damn you.

I blame the oke dressed like Elvis Presley dishing out the punch out of the said fruit. God, everyone was tucking in. And we were singing Britney Spears on the karaoke machine and I was pretending to be the human version of the Japanese flag (no one really go it – white and red guys, how hard can it be?) and like C, kimono's from her granny's closet.

L2 phoned me the next day to ask what the fuck happened. I drove from Riverclub to Illovo; she drove from Riverclub to Rivonia. And C also drove home. Bad girls. Bad, bad, bad. I thought I was becoming quite responsible lately – turning down the chance of multiple Jaegermeistering, leaving before the heat gets too hot in the kitchen, generally piping down.

What the fuck was this then? A moment of insanity maybe. Martha Stewart and I did go on a whoring shopping spree Saturday afternoon after all...and I suppose I felt like a young un again.

Memory loss and red lipstick on my face, coke all over the floor.

Apparently thanking God, Allah, Buddha, Jah, Jesus and all those religious dudes for keeping me alive.

Had to play in a croquet tournament the yesterday, at the Joburg Country Club. Quite an apt little punishment.

But I was Big In Japan, apparently.


kyknoord said...

Seems a bit pointless if you can't remember, doesn't it? I mean, if you're going directly to the hangover without the intermediate fun stage, you may as well just have a migraine and be done with it. It saves time.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - I remember it up until I went home. It was fun. :)

Then it wasn't so fun when I found a packet of crisps next to the toilet. What on Earth...?

Ruby said...

I find the crips next to the loo very very disturbing indeed!!??

The human Japanese Flag......very clever i think;-)

Betenoir said...

your liver must totally hate you right now... I got exhausted just reading that post! Mind you, you live it so the rest of us don't have to... and have more time for sex, pizza and Quentin Tarantino.

SheBee said...

I don't know why, but i dreamt of you last night.

My boyfriend died on Thursday.

But I dream of Peas.

Just thought I'd share that random piece of information with you. I blame the tranquilisers, sorry.

Revolving Credit said...


Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - thanks babe. I thought so too, until no one got it :)

Bete - ...and my arm is strangely in agony, as if I've pulled all the muscles in it somehow. Hmmmph.

SheBee - WHAT? HOW DID I MISS THIS? Are you ok? Dreaming of me, that's super flattering, but hell, are you okay? Sending lots of hugs and cyber tranquilisers!

Rev - Koneechiwa, my dear. :)

SheBee said...

yeah. I wont monopolise your blog with the details, its already all over my own blog.

I was called on Friday morning while at work. Its been a rough weekend.

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - you don't have to worry about monopolisation - blogging and the blogosphere are here to help you babe. It's one of the magic things about this space - it can be a huge group support place, it's one of the reasons I like this place so much.

I really feel for you, and have no words (I read your posts now), except for sending you millions of thoughts your way. I can't imagine the sadness and anger of having a loved one ripped away like that - I'm just so so sorry. I'm wishing you all the godspeed in the world missy, and to please look after yourself xxx

SheBee said...

Thanks babe. Have just replied to you on FB.

Jam said...

I am not going to put on my lecture hat, but will appear on the 2nd floor shortly...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - awesome, come down for chat break! :)

Mel said...

Those drunken sms's are so bad... I remember when my fiance and I were still living 130kms away from each other, we'd chat on Mxit every night - I busted myself so badly one night! Went out for dinner on a "school night", promised I would behave myself, and still thought I was capable of chatting coherently on Mxit. I wasn't. Think invented a new language that night. And I was in big trouble as I also had to drive home! :-)

Mel said...

I think phones should have alcohol sensors in the keys - if they pick up anything seeping through your pores they jam immediately!

Peas on Toast said...

Mel - absolutely. That message would've gone to my entire phone directory. So let's parents, my boss, my ex boss, all my ex's, one ex's mother, my boyfriend, all my writers, other business acquaintances....oh and the cab driver who picked me up for the airport.
Nice. :)

Anonymous said...

i had very sober moment sunday morning, feeling 'that' way after extreme down downs, pyramids,...cant remember after that. anyway, i thought what if i killed someone driving whist feeling like super-drunk ?

very sober. never again. i hand in my keys. ciao !

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - ooh, you too eh? Yes, I vouch to seriously never do that again either. Handing in my keys, and being fucking responsible from now on!

Sheriss said...

this sounds like me on Friday night, was in Edinburgh. Intoxicated very quickly in a short space of time on Scottish whisky, don't remember a lot, but my friends have filled me in. We did safely park the car before though.