Friday, November 23, 2007

stupid magazine show

Third Roommate came over last night, you know, to hog the remote and annoy me.
And maybe to keep me company on a dark and stormy night.

I forced him to watch Top Billing. Well, no, that is inaccurate. I didn't actually force his eyballs to rest on the TV screen, but I was adamant we were going to watch something of culture for a change. No more stupid American game shows to while away the time, or "A RedNeck Ate My Baby & Boofed My Father," as so explicit on Jerry Springer.

"Let's see how the other side live. In their capitalist splendour. Let's watch Top Billing."

He resisted. Strongly.

I hate to admit it, but the little Portuguese man who drinks all my Oros and makes himself all too at home, may have had a very valid point.
“This is having a negative effect on my intellect,” he whined.
"A Michael Mol moment. He describes a "building" as a statuesque acropolis. People haven't spoken like that since the Stone Ages.”

It was more fun watching my friend react to Michael Mol in his waistcoat and spewing forth gumptions of 'good life' jargon.

“How can these presenters be so banal? Ooh thanks Top Billing for making this all possible, by making us look so put on and pretending to be happy!” he continued.

He really was beginning to make a point.

When I watch this with my mother, I knew it was a load of decor-infused pants, but, and maybe it was this week's episode - it was full of crap.
The programme is full of shit.
For instance, they documented Mark Fish's new Tuscan splendour. Yellow, wrought iron, pillars, the usual scourge one finds in a Dainfern catalogue, for instance.

This might've been the nail that drummed itself into its own coffin. Usually they choose anitiquitan masterpieces...what the fuck was this? Replete with ornaments from the Cape Town flea market. And let's not forget the Egyptian couches. What a treat. Black and gold. Gilted.

3RM was an unhappy little man for an hour, whining and groaning in disbelief.

But I figured he made me watch The Biggest Loser once, a show resplendent of the opposite side of this televised LSM scale, I'd force him to watch this trite little magazine programme.

Featuring Whitey Basson (CEO of Shoprite) on his silly little ranch, waxing lyrical the pleasures of being a South African. Well sure. Under your summer gazebo drinking wine and eating Woolies food, it's all good isn't it. And so ridiculously put on. Don't for a second say he buys his chops from the Shoprite butchery.

Then the presenters went to Greece. And found the Jimmy Choo of Athens. Some Stavros that crafts Jesus Christ sandals.

3RM was about to chew his arm off in frustration. Until he watched something about tanning hides. Where the producer was asking of the left over hide water, “is this snot or floculant?” Over and over again. Because bodily nasal fluids need to be defined.

I preferred seeing Michael Mol in a ridiculous little pink suit, actually.

29 comments:

Mel said...

I think Mark Fish's wife made it clear a number of times that they were VERSACE couches! She must have paid enough to feed a small country for honestly the most revolting couches I have ever seen...

That sculpture thingie they built in their garden was also pretty funny - I bet as soon as the camera crew left they threw it away!

Peas on Toast said...

Mel - Touche! Versace must've had temporary insanity, because really, I nearly phoned up E2 and asked her to rate the couches out of ten in line with her kitsch collectibles.

And how's that "shelf" sculpture? Bang together a few bits of metal and call it art :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Ha, I actually caught of last night's show, & had to sms my mate that her ex-boss was being claimed to be a man "For Africa". The only fkcing interest he has in Africa is screwing the poorest people out of their cash, most particulalry the lowest level employees who he pays FKC ALL!! (Sorry, this is an issue in my life) all while he sits in THAT decadence.

THAT insert was when I realised Top Billing had no integrity.

Storm said...

awe, be fair you guys.....you cant blame Top Billing for the fact that other people are immoral, and just so happens to be the ones with the money....the kind of lifestyle that Top Billing features.

Betenoir said...

you know that those people (or their designers anyway) pay to have their hideous houses/ tacky decor/ vulgar displays of wealth paraded by he show? it's really just one long advert... like those free ones you get as junkmail that get soggy and you refuse to touch them and then they get all mouldy and the cat next door pees on them. Like that.

The show introduced the horrors of Ursula "I will suck up to celebrities so hard their intestines will come spilling out" Stapelfeld, sycophantic mispronouncer extroadinaire.

evil! evil! I cast it out!

ChewTheCud said...

Was everyone watching that crap? Why is it the first time I decide to watch some Tv again, the only thing on is Top Billing. And that announcer is such a smug bastard with his little not-very-funny-at-all-unless-you're-5-years-old quips and jokes. I watched until they put up the "modern"sculpture in the dudes yard, and the guy said "It's not art unless you have to grow to like it", which basically meant he thought it was crap too ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - it's crazy hey. But he's not the only one who should be pinpointed - I reckon it's like that in all retail businesses.

Storm - I agree. It's the "good life". I just realised how fake it all was last night, and how banal.

Bete- I know it's almost laughable. I wonder how much they charge? I should invite them to do my cosmopolitan and commune-looking hippie flat. See what they say then! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - I was like, "is it finished? Seriously?"
Yeah, Thursday used to be Desperate Housewives time. Now it's dropped a pitch dramatically for Top Billing.

Jam said...

You're mad. I hate that programme. Never mind containing the most banal content in creation, it is also shot in a way that is banal and dull. Crappy, crappy.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - agreed. But, pray tell, what else is there to watch on a Thursday evening? Even on dsTv - it's so depressing.

Revolving Credit said...

OK, it appears that I am the only person who didn't watch this crap!

Then again, I'd probably derive more entertainment out of watching grass grow.

I have to ask however: What's up with all the Tuscan architecure??

Everyone, everywhere's building these Tuscan monstrosities?

Tuscan looks good in Tuscany, but clustered all over the African bushveld??
eikona wena??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I blame Summercon for starting it. They're an absolute scourge. In Tuscany, they're the real deal- but trying to make pretty, fake plastic Tuscan houses on the dry Highveld terrain is crazy to me. I simply cannot stand it.

It was one of the reasons I moved out of Fourways. No, in fact, it was the reason.

lordwiggly said...

I would give my black-and-gold-gilded Versace couches to have seen that Greek Jimmy Choo making his Jesus sandals...I hope my mommy taped it.

Peas on Toast said...

lordwiggly - Yeah, you really don't wanna miss this episode. I'd can a whole Friday night bender for this, seriously.

If I was lying on a stretcher in hospital, maybe.

Storm said...

Dont get me wrong...its not that i watch the show or anything. and don't worry Rev, i didn't watch it either?? i'm just catching up by listening to peasypants.

I'm just wondering...i mean, top billing has been running for ages and ages right? so obviously a very large part of our society must be interested in this banal and fake world.....its all inspired by hollywood i tell you!

Ruby said...

oh well, today i think i'm on the "whatever tickles your fancy" cloud. Because usually the fakeness of hte world would have sent me into a pit of depression....but you know what? I couldn't care less. Fake people are so sad, but hey, if it tickles your fancy...go ahead...watch top billing, buy horrid versace couches, and build butt ugly statues in your garden...hell, you gotta look at it every day, not me

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - Hollywood for sure. I heard that the Bold & The Beautiful's most active and large viewership in SA is in Soweto. It's a fascination with "the other side" methinks.

Ruby - absolutely. It just amazes me how these presenters don't crack up and go, "wait...wait...cut! Smile a bit more Whitey, and charge your glass. That take was too realistic."

Anonymous said...

Sorry for the delay but peas, you have a big wooden cock in your house? Big? Wooden? Cock? Is that phallic or what?

Revolving Credit said...

Anon, what concerns me is not the fact that Peas has a big wooden cock in her flat, but rather the fact that it attacked her father!

Ruby said...

LOL....peas, i think this is their way of telling you that they are now bored with talking about corny TV shows and superficial people...wooden cocks are just so much more interesting...

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yeah, I do. In one manner of speaking :)
It's a chicken though. Not like the ornate penises in Clockwork Orange, although I'd really dig that.

I did see a big wooden cock statue in Thailand once. It was painted gold too. Way more interesting than my wooden rooster :)

Ordinarylife said...

Do you think we can get Mr Shoprite arrested for riding his motorbike on public roads without a helmet. There must be enough evidence.

One thing about the couch and the mummy - it made the cheetah sculpture on the roof top garden look good!

It must have been the worst episode ever!

Peas on Toast said...

OrdinaryLife - hell, you saw it too?
Yeah he was just scrrreaming along on his motorbike hey...at a snail's pace at any rate.

I loved the fact they put a painting up for display in the makeshift gazebo as well. "This old thing? Oh it was just lying around..."

I mean, seriously.

Ruby said...

Does anybody know if there is going to be a rerun? I need to watch this! I think i might have a hole in my education and social development!

Oh peas...didn't you know? "old" paintings which cost you a fortune is all the rage now babe.

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby..yeah but in a makeshift gazebo - it's so funny. So put on :)

Ruby said...

lol....don't worry peas...I wouldn't have any painting in any sort of gazebo...ever!

Richard Catto said...

If you have the personality of a gnat, you may be interested in working for Top Billing.

If you have a strong desire to suicide 40 minutes of your life at a time, you may care to watch Top Billing.

If your friend demands that you watch Top Billing with her, you are allowed to suffocate her to death with pink cushions having long gold dangly bits.

3rm said...

Richard - Unfortunately she's only got silver cushions with sequins but i take your point and quite frankly i hope she does too

Richard Catto said...

In an absolute emergency, silver cushions with sequins can suffice, but OMG! silver cushions!

That is just so passé, doll.

She needs me!