Tuesday, November 27, 2007

please pass the asparagus

One of the greatest movies of all time, American Beauty, is a masterpiece for many reasons. But, I can watch the following over and over x 1 000 again. It's the most fabulous movie scene, as far as I'm concerned, of it's time.
It portrays dysfunctional in such a super way. Kevin Spacey gets his groove back when he falls in love with his daughter's mate. (Mena Suvari) To which:

[Dining room scene. Wife and husband eating stiff dinner, opposite ends of table. Elevator music in background]

Enter daughter. [Thora Birch - Riddled in teenage angst] “I'm late. Sorry.”

Annette Bening: [hysterically] No, no don't worry dear! Your father and I were just discussing his day at work, why don't you tell your daughter about it, honey?

Kevin Spacey: [completely chilled] “Janie, today I quit my job.

(Wife yacks hysterically)

....then I told my boss to go fuck himself, then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars! Pass the asparagus.”

Annette Bening: Yes! Your father thinks that this is some type of behaviour to be proud of!

Kevin Spacey: And your mother seems to think that I just go through my life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a Mason jar under the sink.

Annette Bening: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her, and how I marvel that you can be so contemptuous to me on the same day that your. Lose. Your. Job.

Kevin Space: I didn't lose it. It wasn't like “whoops, where'd my job go?” I. Quit! Someone pass the asparagus please.

Annette Bening: Oh oh oh! And I want to thank you for putting me under the added pressure of being the sole bread winner now!

Kevin Spacey: I actually already have a job. (He now works at the local MacDonald's or thereabouts, flipping burgers)

Annette Bening: [screeching] No, no, no. Don't give a second thought over whose going to pay the mortgage, just leave it all up to Carolyn! You gonna take care of evvvverything now Carolyn? Yes, I don't mind, I really don't. You mean evvvvverything, you don't mind having the sole responsibility of evvverything? Your husband just feels like he can just quit his job and...

Kevin Spacey: Will someone please pass me the fucking asparagus?

Daughter: I'm not going to be a part of this.

Kevin Spacey: SIT DOWN.

(Stalks over to other side of the table and picks up the platter of asparagus.)

Kevin Spacey: I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you wanna do whenever you wanna do it and I don't complain. All I want is...

Annette Bening: [going mental] Oh you don't complain? Oh please, excuse me excuse me I must be psychotic then, if you don't complain what is this? Oh you don't complain...

(Kevin Spacey stands up, faces asparagus platter towards the wall and hurls it. It smashes. Deathly silence.)

[Pause...background elevator music]

Kevin Spacey: Don't Interrupt Me. Honey.

(Sits down with a smile. And tucks in)

Kevin Spacey:....And another thing. From now on we are going to alter our dinner music, because frankly – and I don't think I'm alone here – I'm really tired of this Lawrence Wilkes shit.

PS: Mr 747 comes home tomorrow.

PPS: Izzie and George are really starting to irritate me in Grey's. Forfucksakes Izzie. You used to be my favourite. But this whole pavement-special-puppy-dog eyes thing mixed with adulterous guilt and endless other emotional angst, is wearing thin. George, you're also being an idiot. Grow up both of you and move the fuck on.

27 comments:

High in Dubai said...

Hey Peas,

As usual good post, also good movie - my favourite scene is the one where he films that little plastic bag. I suppose you can find beauty in the oddest things, that is something I am striving to do in everyday life!

On another note. Izie used to be my fave too until all this drama - they are both acting like teens!

Anonymous said...

it's "quit", you wrote "quite" twice so don't think it's a typo, lol ok quickly change it and delete this comment so no one sees :)

Peas on Toast said...

Dubai - ah yes, the plastic bag. Loved that too.

Another goodie is when Annette Bening starts banging the other realtor guy - "Bobby King" or whatever his name is. And in the throes of passion she screams, "Fuck me, your majesty!" legs in the air...

Anon - ha ha, why thank you! :) I won't delete this comment, but will check the post, thanks :)

Anonymous said...

stanley kubrik's full metal jacket opening scene - sorry for the length but it's gotta be one of the greatest of all time.


HARTMAN



I am Gunnery Sergeant

Hartman, your Senior

Drill Instructor. From now on, you will speak



only when spoken to, and the first and last

words out of your filthy

sewers will be "Sir!"

Do you maggots understand that?





RECRUITS

(in unison)



Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! I can't hear you. Sound off like you

got a

pair.



RECRUITS

(louder)

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

If you ladies leave my island, if you survive

recruit

training ... you will be a weapon, you

will be a minister of death,

praying for war.

But until that day you are pukes! You're the



lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even

human f*cking beings!

You are nothing but

unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian



sh!t!



Because I am hard, you will not like me. But



the more

you hate me, the more you will

learn. I am hard, but I am fair!

There is no

racial bigotry here! I do not look down on

n!ggers,

kikes, wops or greasers. Here you

are all equally worthless! And my

orders are

to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack

the gear

to serve in my beloved Corps! Do

you maggots understand that?





RECRUITS

(in unison)

Sir, yes, sir!







HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! I can't hear you!





RECRUITS



(louder)

Sir, yes, sir!





Sergeant HARTMAN stops in front of a

black recruit,

Private SNOWBALL.





HARTMAN

What's your

name, scumbag?



SNOWBALL

(shouting)

Sir,

Private Brown, sir!



HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! From now on

you're Private

Snowball! Do you like that name?





SNOWBALL

(shouting)

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN



Well, there's one thing that you won't like,

Private Snowball! They

don't serve fried

chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in

my

mess hall!



SNOWBALL

Sir, yes, sir!





JOKER



(whispering)

Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?





HARTMAN



Who said that? Who the f*ck said that? Who's

the slimy

little communist sh!t twinkle-toed

c*cksucker down here, who just

signed his

own death warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy

f*cking

godmother said it! Out-f*cking-

standing! I will P.T. you all until

you f*cking

die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are

sucking

buttermilk.





Sergeant HARTMAN grabs cowboy by the shirt.







HARTMAN

Was it you, you scroungy little f*ck, huh?!





COWBOY

Sir, no, sir!





HARTMAN

You little piece of

sh!t! You look like a f*cking

worm! I'll bet it was you!





COWBOY

Sir, no, sir!



JOKER

Sir, I said it, sir!





Sergeant HARTMAN steps up to JOKER.





HARTMAN

Well ...

no sh!t. What have we got here, a

f*cking comedian? Private Joker? I

admire

your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come

over to my

house and f*ck my sister.



Sergeant HARTMAN purnches JOKER in the

stomach.

JOKER sags to his knees.



HARTMAN

You little

scumbag! I've got your name! I've

got your ass! You will not laugh!

You will not

cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will

teach

you. Now get up! Get on your feet! You

had best unf*ck yourself or I

will unscrew

your head and sh!t down your neck!



JOKER



Sir, yes, sir!



HARTMAN

Private Joker, why did you join

my beloved

Corps?



JOKER

Sir, to kill, sir!





HARTMAN

So you're a killer!



JOKER

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

Let me see your war face!



JOKER

Sir?





HARTMAN

You've got a war face? Aaaaaaaagh! That's a

war face.

Now let me see your war face!



JOKER

Aaaaaaaagh!





HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! You didn't convince me! Let me see

your real

war face!



JOKER

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!





HARTMAN

You didn't scare me! Work on it!



JOKER



Sir, yes, sir!



Sergeant HARTMAN speaks into cowboy's face.





HARTMAN

What's your excuse?



COWBOY

Sir, excuse for

what, sir?



HARTMAN

I'm asking the f*cking questions

here,

Private. Do you understand?!



COWBOY

Sir,

yes, sir!



HARTMAN

Well thank you very much! Can I be in

charge

for a while?



COWBOY

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

Are you shook up? Are you nervous?



COWBOY



Sir, I am, sir!



HARTMAN

Do I make you nervous?





COWBOY

Sir!



HARTMAN

Sir, what? Were you about to

call me an

asshole?!



COWBOY

Sir, no, sir!





HARTMAN

How tall are you, Private?



COWBOY

Sir,

five foot nine, sir!



HARTMAN

Five foot nine? I didn't

know they stacked sh!t

that high! You trying to squeeze an inch in

on

me somewhere, huh?



COWBOY

Sir, no, sir.





HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! It looks to me like the best part of

you ran

down the crack of your mama's ass

and ended up as a brown stain on

the

mattress! I think you've been cheated!



HARTMAN



Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?





COWBOY



Sir, Texas, sir!



HARTMAN

Holy dogsh!t! Texas! Only

steers and queers

come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you



don't look much like a steer to me, so that

kinda narrows it down!

Do you suck d!cks!



COWBOY

Sir, no, sir!





HARTMAN

Are you a peter-puffer?



COWBOY

Sir, no,

sir!



HARTMAN

I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would

f*ck

a person in the ass and not even have the

goddam common

courtesy to give him a reach-

around! I'll be watching you!





Sergeant HARTMAN walks down the line to another

recruit, a tall,

overtweight boy.



HARTMAN

Did your parents have any

children that lived?





PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

I'll bet they regret that! You're so ugly you

could be

a modern art masterpiece! What's

your name, fatbody?





PYLE

Sir, Leonard Lawrence, sir!



HARTMAN

Lawrence?

Lawrence, what, of Arabia?



PYLE

Sir, no, sir!





HARTMAN

That name sounds like royalty! Are you

royalty?





PYLE

Sir, no, sir!



HARTMAN

Do you suck d!cks?







PYLE

Sir, no, sir!



HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! I'll bet you

could suck a golf ball

through a garden hose!



PYLE



Sir, no, sir!



HARTMAN

I don't like the name Lawrence!

Only faggots

and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on



you're Gomer Pyle!



PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!



PYLE has the

trace of a strange smile on his face.



HARTMAN

Do you

think I'm cute, Private Pyle? Do you

think I'm funny?





PYLE

Sir, no, sir!



HARTMAN

Then wipe that

disgusting grin off your face!



PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

Well, any f*cking time, sweetheart!



PYLE



Sir, I'm trying, sir.



HARTMAN

Private Pyle, I'm gonna

give you three

seconds--excactly three f*cking seconds--to

wipe

that stupid-looking grin off your face, or

I will gouge out your

eyeballs and skull-f*ck

you! One! Two! Three!



PYLE purses his

lips but continues to smile

involuntarily.



PYLE

Sir,

I can't help it, sir!



HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! Get on your

knees, scumbag!



PYLE gets down on his FEnees.



HARTMAN



Now choke yourself!



PYLE places his hands around his throat as if to



choke himself.



HARTMAN

Goddamn it, with my hand,

numbnuts!!



PYLE reaches for HARTMAN's hand. HARTMAN jerks

it away.





HARTMAN

Don't pull my f*cking hand over there! I said

choke

yourself! Now lean forward and choke

yourself!



PYLE leans forward

so that his neck rests in

HARTMAN's open hand.



HARTMAN chokes PYLE.





PYLE gags and starts to turn red in the face.



HARTMAN



Are you through grinning?



PYLE

(barely able to

speak)

Sir, yes, sir!



HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! I can't

hear you!



PYLE

(gasping)

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

Bullsh!t! I still can't hear you! Sound offlike

you got

a pair!



PYLE

(gagging)

Sir, yes, sir!





HARTMAN

That's enough! Get on your feet!



HARTMAN releases PYLE's

throat. PYLE gets to his feet,

breathing heavily.



HARTMAN



Private Pyle, you had best square your ass

away and start sh!tting

me Tiffany cuff links

... or I will definitely f*ck you up!





PYLE

Sir, yes, sir!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yowza!

But classic, I agree. Thanks dude :)

Vimbai said...

What do y’all mean that Izzie is only getting annoying now?? That particular Grey’s character has been grating on my tits even before she nixed her fiancĂ©. Closely followed by Meredith with her weird mouth movements and George with his Hugh-Grantesque dithering!

An honorary mention goes out to the plastic bag in American Beauty, I loved how it was bobbing about in the background of most screens – so arb that it could only be dubbed art!

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - yeah, maybe I was delusional for a while - I mean, Izzie is beautiful - but she and George at the moment, are driving me frikking bananas. Seriously - transfer to Mercy West George. And Izzie, get back together with Alex. He's way better.

In fact, they're all annoying me all of a sardine. They're becoming a little...predictable? I don't even have PMS. Hmmm.

Storm said...

Maybe its time you guys find something else to watch?

Ruby said...

Morning all!
I used to watch Grey's...but i haven't watched in a while....simply because I've had enough...its predictable, and has become boring

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - but what?? Over 100 channels and nothing to watch on the box! (Or nothing set in stone between 7:30 and 8:30 on Monday anyway)

Ruby - it has become a little ridiculous, but I daresay I still switch my phone off and sit glued to the screen on Monday evenings.

Ruby said...

lol...i have a friend like that! She's quite hillarious actually!
She sits in front of the telly and complains the whole way through about how boring and silly it is....but don't you dare bother her while she's watching....you won't live to face the consequences

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - I like your friend! :)

Vimbai said...

Grey's only gets worse, i sorta cheated and got the rest of Season 3 and all the new ones of Season 4...lets just say, there will be no Season 5 the way the plot is moving.

Hopeful contenders to replace Grey's in my heart: Addison's new show "Private Practice"

Staple Favourite: Heroes...enuff said.

Jam said...

Love the movie too.
And yes, Izzie and George must just get the hell on with it. They have me googling synopses of Grey's in frustration...

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - I won't cheat, it's my favourite part of Monday :)

Let's just hope Desperate Housewives comes back on lickedy splick.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - for sure! I'm needing a cuppa coffee. Badly. You upstairs dollface?

fush and chips said...

Just what is it with women and Grey's Anatomy? I don't get it, but all my female friends (who I generally respect intellectually most of the time) love it love it love it. Isn't it just Dawson's Creek in a hospital?

Confused

Craighall Park

PS. Gregory House, MD is the Lord.

fush and chips said...

Cool soundtrack tho.

Peas on Toast said...

fush 'n chips - it's tough to tell. It's a soap opera, so that's probably why. :)

And I agree with you - House for President! Love that oke. Love him, wanna marry him. Sometimes. :)

Ordinarylife said...

Thursday - T.Billing = Crap!
Monday - Gray's = annoying!

At this rate I am going to have to start watching Idols

Peas on Toast said...

OrdinaryLife - indeed. Where have all the good shows gone? Don't get me started on Idols.

Will Adriette win? Probably. Will she make a career out of it, or will she, like the other small-town winners, sink into nothingness?

Also, can Colin Fuckface Moss drag the whole elimination process out for 30 minutes? I switch it on at 25 minutes past to see whose out and whose not.

ordinarylife said...

I tried watching it once, but now just ask someone at work in the morning!

Ruby said...

i'm not an avid Idols watcher....i think i've watched the show on a sunday maybe about twice....if they are lucky. I really really hope Andriette does not win!!! both time i've watched she really really sucked in comparison....you can't afford to suck if you're in the top bloody 10!!!!!!!and yes, i do realise we are long past being 10 contestants, all i'm saying is that after that point, no more mediocre!
I'm a bit of a muso myself.....and i can honestly say that none of the idols i've seen as yet on this years show has impressed me....at all!!!!

3rm said...

if you weren't such a snob you could've uplifted yourself with a dose of The Biggest Loser instead of George and Izzie.

p.s. no one has even mentioned meredith and her nails on a chalkboard voice. its reminiscent of a young neve campbell

Peas on Toast said...

OrdinaryLife - excellent plan :)

Ruby - yeah, I fear the talent wasn't as good as the last Idols...or Idols before that...perhaps they've saturated.

3RM - You watched it again last night, didn't you?

3rm said...

nope. i was at the movies but i'm just saying if grey's is that annoying why not try slumming it with us non-DSTV types?

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - no, it's not THAT annoying dude. There's no way in hell I'm gonna stop watching, and a lesser way in hell that I'll switch it for The Big Loser.

Pigs will fly before then, china. :)