Friday, November 30, 2007

new underwear predicament

Went on a little field trip yesterday with my boss. We ambled around the Standard Bank art gallery (Amaaazing. Willem Boshoff's exhibition. I'm no art tart, but seriously – I walked out feeling so very ordinary in comprison to this man), and then strolled through the Christmas sculptures outside Anglo.

One problem.

See, I bought a series of new underwear pieces last week. The favourite – an electric turquoise lace number – I put on that morning. And unwittingly walking around in them, jean pant chafing at my nethers – turned out to itch the fuck out of me in the gallery.

Not a little itch that could be ignored. No. It was like a ladle of itchy powder in my lingerie. New lace, not good.

There was a point where I was having to shove my hands into my pockets to refrain from having a jolly good scratch down there.
This, however, didn't work. The problem just snowballed into a frenzy. Something had to be done.

Whilst walking around, perusing sculptures, it became unbearable. So when I thought nobody was looking, I went behind a column, and had the most amazing scratch down there. I was desperate.

I scratched and scratched and scratched, and drew in a breath of absolute relief. Only to find a security camera aimed directly at me at close range. As I happily clawed away at my briefs.
Blind one.

Now, because I was in South Africa's arguably largest bank, I'm going to then assume that a security panel consisting of a 20-strong workforce of males was watching me having a very unladylike moment with myself.

I balked, then waved and smiled, so that they knew that I knew that they knew what I was doing.

My doondies are pretty. They're hot. Actually. But christ, walking around holding my poen isn't what I had in mind.

PS: I met Heddles last night, over some drinks and dinner. Been wanting to meet her forever, and really, what a fabulous young lady.


Dancer said...

HAHAHA!! I had such a laugh at this!!
I always find though that when you need to do something like that rather urgently, there are always people or cameras around to catch you, its Murphys law!
But i can say that I know how you feel...Ive been stuck in a situations like such once or twice, though I didnt have electric turquoise lingerie, but the feeling is the same!
Have a fab day!

Peas on Toast said...

Dancer - :) Dude is was well bad. A handbag in front of the offending area usually helps, but this itch wasn't go anywhere fast hey.


KaB said...'s one of those priceless appropriate that it was in a bank!


Peas on Toast said...

Kab - yeah it had to be in a bank of course, and not when I'm chilling at home by myself on the couch!

Thing is, okes can scratch till the cows come home. No one blinks an eye. But girls aren't allowed to. It's just not fair! :)

Ruby said...

LOL....oh my goodness!!! you've left me wondering if it's possible to die as a result of laughing too much;-)
Us poor girlies really have a problem when it comes to this don't we? at least you had the presence of mind to wave to them.....they were probably thinking..."man does that chick have balls!"

Champagne Heathen said...

And just when I was thinking it was time to go underwear shopping...

And once again I am made jealous of the area you now work in! Just mosey down to an art gallery and all...

Happy Nearly World AIDS Day.

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - too right babe. They WERE probably thinking, "jeez, I wonder if that chick has balls."

Or, "John, come check this bird out. She's having a good old scratch right in front of us. Let's zoom in on her crotch."


Peas on Toast said...

Champs - happy nearly AIDS Day to you!

I was also jealous of me yesterday until my underwear starting getting jiggy with me.

fuzzy logic said...

Oooh, it's as bad as when you shave that area too! Talcum powder - you smell like a (clean) baby's bum, but it works wonders.

Peas on Toast said...

Fuzzy - Shaving-itch was a breeze in comparison to yesterday hey. Shaving you can kind of ignore and carry on like a proper lady should.

Yesterday was crazy.

The Divine Miss M said...

Shaving there?! Omigod no! Wax ladies!!!! That doesn't itch at all when it grows back AND it grows back less coarse.

Oh poor Peas, that truly must have been embarrassing! hahahahaah - but really good to laugh at :)

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - I waxed twice before. The first time I nearly passed out from the pain and decided I'd rather have an anal probe.

Second time I took painkillers, and yet, the pain was significantly much like the first time.

I use that Veet stuff. Waxing is for brave people who have high pain thresholds. I am a serious pain wuss.

The Divine Miss M said...

I think I must just have a high pain thresh hold because it doesn't really bother me. I mean it hurts, but for 3 seconds and then it is over.

The shaving just killed me now and there is no way in hell I'm putting that weird ass Veet stuff anywhere near my kookie! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Hahahahahaha! Three seconds? China, I nearly Passed.Out.

Hilarious. OK, well I'll stick to Veet if that's ok :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, next time, find the nearest bathroom , remove the offending underwear and stick it in your handbag or pocket.

The problem is that usually in an attempt to prevent/lessen the chaffing and irritation, people tend to walk with the legs further apart, kinda cowboy in chaffs style.
This gets you noticed as everyone wonders why you're walking like John Wayne and you're therefore more likely to be spotted scratching like crazy.

The Divine Miss M said...

@revolving - You make a good point ... but I'm not a fan of wearing jeans with no underwear, but then again a toss up between the itching and that ... hmm..

@peas - It's really not THAT bad! If you go to a good waxer that is! I had one with chocolate wax, that was brilliant :)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - so you mean, having jeans chafe me rather than lace would actually be BETTER? Ouch. Dude, Ouch. And although walking like John Wayne after a good rogering is attractive and manly - I promise I try and retain an air of ladylikeness about me, at least 50/5 of the day :)

Miss M - still not convinced babe. Chocolate or not. (Hang on. chocolate wax? Seriaas?)

Revolving Credit said...

Denim doesn't chaff does it??

Mmm...didn't Smile High just return from Bangkok?
He didn't possible catch something nasty while there and pass it on too you??
And here you are blaming the lace?
I'm sure Champs can recommend someone or someplace to have that checked out?

Nessers said...

I have to agree with Miss M - waxing is the way to go - my wax lady has seen more of my bits than my current gynae - she is great and it does not hurt at all and no itch when it grows back - really good post I had to force myself not to laugh out loud and get the evil eye from my boss who tho does not mind me surfing does mind me advertising it hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - funny Rev. But no, chafing happened before I, you know, that thing with him.
Smart arss ;)

Nessers - thanks dude. But that's another thing about waxing that makes me cringe: showing some random woman my poen. The gynae is bad enough!

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, you will recall this post, but I never realised that it was a picture of Miss M, in the flesh, so to speak!

Does chocolate help prevent chaffing??

Peas on Toast said...

Holy fuckballs. How could I forget? That image was impregnated into my mind for weeks! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah, Rev, thanks for the Awareness assistance!
If it was mild thrush and you didn't have any decent medical cream around, you could use plain yogurt. (ha ha, I always love that piece of info/ advice!)
Except, whatever this was does not sound mild at all!

Peas on Toast said...

It's NOT thrush. That I can promise. It's lace chafe. Crumbs people.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, I see that Parmalat has chocolate flavoured yogurt...2 bird with one stone.

Champs, doesn't the yogurt tub tend to protrude from under your clothing??

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaah, not to fear Rev, that's why they now make those smaller "Single Sitting" yogurt tubs!

Revolving Credit said...

Single sitting?

So you sit on it???

Does that mean that you consider a yogurt tub a sex toy??

Champagne Heathen said...

Well, I originally would've recommended you just using a small amount to smear on...but I do see a whole new line of kink right here!

Step aside flavoured condoms...

Revolving Credit said...

I take it that the yogurt with the muesli bits won't really help if you're trying to eliminate chaffing?

Champagne Heathen said...

Perhaps adding some rice crispies could work well - what with all that snap, crackling, and popping!

The Divine Miss M said...

@revolving - I LOVE that picture :) Yes, that was me, my secret life hehehee

NoPink&PhatChicks said...

Hi Peas, thanks so much for "scratching and telling." God, your imagery is fantastic! I can practically see the video. In fact, I think you need to get a copy of that video from the museum, and then maybe post it on your website. Or better yet, just take a picture of those damn scratchy green lace undies ;-)

Or still better yet, maybe you should direct Britney Spears next video... I can just see her erotic crotch itching video going platinum! You'll make zillions!

Check this out: Britney Spears Wants You to Direct Her Next Music Video -,,20163651,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines

Koekie said...

haha - thanks for the laugh. Again. Love your work..