Thursday, November 22, 2007

two posts

Both are the same.

One is verbose circumlocutorily loquacious.
For those with exempt sagacity, spot the one replete in pleonasticism.

Dad crashed into my cock last night.

Let me explain.

At 2:30am this morning I heard a loud ker-thunk. Immediately followed by a manly screech, and obscenities ranging from “what the fuck”, “what the fuck is this thing...a fucking bird?” “Tasteless piece of shit...” “The bloody cock fell on me.”

I have a giant wooden rooster statue in the entrance hall. A large white bird. It nailed him on the foot and, like a true man, the world has come to an end because “he can't walk now.”

I examined his foot with a “there there Dad, what about a nice cuppa tea?” To which I got, “The bird fell on my bone, Peas. Look at my injury! I'm in dire pain....Dire.”
The final word was a breathless dramatisation. I got this message while I was tapping away at a review yesterday: Under Panado sedation for rooster bite. Please bring home a walking stick.

The problem with men and their ailments is – do you take their threats seriously? “I'm dying.” Maybe they are really dying?

Because when I say I'm dying, Mr 747, it's when I've truly hit the bottom of my mortal demise. Do you really need a walking stick Dad? Maybe he does.
Does this make me a shitty daughter if I'm slightly skeptical?

Either way, Dad needs mothering. My gran has long passed, so he has no mum; he has no wife, and God knows what's up with all the girlfriends. I don't even ask anymore.
On getting home, “This chicken is a bloody disgrace. It's jaw punctured me.”

So I will make him tea and marvel in the way his bruise looks oh so very purple.


And so...we shall perdure as ere:

My progenitor crashed into my rara avis last night.

Allow me to elucidate.

At the aurora of 2:30 ante meridium, I heard a loud cacophony. Immediately followed by a manly malediction, and obscene licentiousness, such as: “What the fornication is this thing...an ornithological effigy?” and other offalic detritus.

I have a giant cockalorum simulacrum in the threshold atrium of my apartment. It lacerated him on the foot, and like a true male australopithicus afarensis, the world has come to a cessation. Because “he can't walk now.”

I examined his retractile with a “there there Dad, what about a nice thermogenic beverage?” To which I got, “This poltroon fell on my osseous matter, Peas. Look at my affliction! I'm in moribund indisposition....moribund.”

The final utterance was a breathless dramatisation. I got a communiqué from him while I tapped away at an apalogue: Under Panado sedation for rooster bite. Please bring home a pikestaff.

The problem with men and their exigent importunances is – do you take their fulminations seriously? “I'm in extremis...!” Maybe they really are indubitably perishing?
Does this make me a countrified offspring if I'm slightly dissenting?

Either way, I must enmatriarch my Dad. My gran has long passed, so he has no forebearer; he has no spouse, and God knows what's up with all the sexual compatriots.
On getting en domicile, “This chicken is an ensanguined disgrace! It's mandible perforated me.”

So I will make him a recalescent brew, and marvel in the way his haemotomic contusion looks oh so very purple.

28 comments:

kyknoord said...

Scoff all you like, but these kinds of injuries can sometimes be fatal. The conductor Jean-Baptiste Lully used to keep time during orchestra rehearsal by beating a long stick on the floor. He accidentally hit his foot during one such rehearsal. The wound subsequently turned gangrenous, eventually causing his death.

Mel said...

Wow... I think I need to brush up on my vocab... ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Shitters. OK, now I feel really bad! :(

Mel - ag no, leave it all to the imagination :)

KaB said...

Mmm...I like the two renditions...need to go look up one or two of those words! God, I love learning new words!

That said, what the fack do you have a rooster statue for?!? I thought only crazy old ladies had those stuffed somewhere in their cupboards or something?!?

Peas on Toast said...

Kab - I am a crazy old lady.
:)

Champagne Heathen said...

A protest against the trend of MIXT/Sms/Teen language taking over our lives before our very eyes?? U no th knd, when u nvr no WTF ur m8 is ritng! K Kewl <3 me

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - u shd C mi little cuz's FB wall. LOL, OMG. Hav no idea wot 1/2 of it meenz. L8r. :)

Vimbai said...

Ooooooooooooh, that second post had a lot of lovely big words, you really know how to parlez that anglaise!

Men historically have a lower pain threshold than women, but my goodness, even the most alpha of men crumble into a heap of theatrics at the slightest jolt of pain and discomfort. Its all attention seeking behaviour as far as i'm concerned!

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - a thesaurus is a wonderful, wonderful thing. :)

And on men, if only when we cried and moped, they'd offer us the same attention! :)

ruby said...

peas, only the gentlemen under them would, the rest would tell us to pull ourselves together and to stop being such a cry baby....sigh!

Storm said...

I think peas is only trying to increase the level of writing on her blog so that that silly little program which tells you what your level of writing is will say, "university level" or something to that effect;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - indeed :)

Storm - ha ha, absolutely! And has it worked? No. Not a sausage. Perhaps it's the words 'doondies', 'poen', 'fuck' that kind of delinquency so prevalent of the elementary levels :)

SheBee said...

Are you sure you don't take drugs? Maybe you need to double check.

Paraphrased to:

Girl - you high, yo!

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - no, yo. I be flying all over this bitch.

Drugs would just slow me down.
:)

crayola dude said...

Is that a a thesaurus in your pocket, or are ya just (blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, hopped up, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, merry, mirthful, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, satisfied, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink, upbeat) to see me?

Peas on Toast said...

Crayola - You would be accurate, absolute, admissible, amen, authentic, bona fide, complete, correct, exact, factual, faithful, genuine, immaculate, indubitable, inerrant, infallible, just, nice, out-and-out, perfect, precise, proper, punctilious, real, right on, righteous, rigorous, satisfactory, solemn, sound, strict, sure, thoroughgoing, true, undistorted, undoubted, unerring, unmistaken, utter, valid, veracious, veridical, veritable, watertight.

crayola dude said...

Kiff. :)

SheBee said...

Through all those words, only one stood out:

Kiff.

Crayola said 'kiff'.

haha! I love that word, haven't heard it in aaages!

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - Kiff smacks of Natal. I tend to haul it out of the cupboard, closet, depository, facility, locker, repository, sideboard, storeroom, whenever I'm down that way. :)

SheBee said...

so, basically what you are saying when You and 747 were down my way a few weeks ago it was all;

peas: "hey baby, I think when you ... me, its kiff"

747: "yeah, i know, you were kinda moaning in that kiff way you know I like"

peas: "kiff"

747: "kiff, hey - *smooch*"

* can't forget the "hey" at the end of the sentence.

Forgive me, I'm all starry eyed and puppy loved these days :) Everything I'm thinking about involved men and women copulating/sexi-timing/kerfoofeling/having noofies/bumping uglies.

Its a dangerous place to be in, I tell you.

Peas on Toast said...

SheBee - ha ha, not quite like that babe, but thanks for the scriptwriting :)
So you feeling all loved up eh? That is rather nice! I'm feeling vaguely melancholy...dad leaves today, 747 is away, and all I can really hope for this weekend is that I don't have too much work.

It's a dog's life.

crayola dude said...

INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE LASS'S GHOEN HAS THE TEETH OF A SHARK.

(go go gadget linkwhore!)

http://crayola-diaries.blogspot.com/2007/11/hollywood-has-gone-batshit-insane.html

SheBee said...

awww peas.

come spend the weekend with me! im free on sunday :)

i forgot 747 was in Banging Kok.

shame man. enjoy your last few bits with your farzer.

SheBee said...

crayola - you're a pimp!

Betenoir said...

that's what you get for owning statuary.
and parentage.

next time your dad complains about the agony of his foot, offer gravely to amputate it. that usually works.

crayola dude said...

SheBee - Aries, actually. But close enough...

Peas on Toast said...

Crayola - I saw that shit.
Definitely a "feel good" for the holidays.

SheBee - thanks doll. Ag, I'll be ok. Keeping busy, keeping myself enslaved and out of mischief :)

Bete - "How about a nice thermogenic beverage while I amputate your foot?"

lordwiggly said...

Loved the loquaciousness of your latter tale ;) LOLZOR l33tness!!