Talking school yesterday evening with 3RM, I showed him my school photo album.
He went to my brother boarding school, so I afforded him this privilege. It's a rare exemption, to see this book. A very few handful of unfortunates have been privvy to it.
It's all braces and skinniness and bad ball partners.
There's no fucking way that album is getting into the wrong hands. But last night I made an exception:
3RM: Oh my God. Is that you?
3RM: Oh my fucking days! It is you. [Wahahahahahahahahahahaah – turns to fever pitch shrieks and tears falling from his eye sockets in commiserating mirth] Fuck, that's just too classic.
Peas: Oh like you didn't wear a hat like that.
3RM: [Wahahahahahahahahahaha] Oh man. This is too much!
3RM: Dude, come your next big event, like your wedding or something, I'm going to copy that picture, give it to the person organising your hen party, and get t-shirts made. Man, oh man.
Peas: You wouldn't fucking dare mate.
3RM: How old were you?
3RM: Jesus, unlucky! Oh wait – what happened here, you suddenly lose the bad fringe and braces and look normal again...maybe you hit puberty suddenly. Hold on a sec, and this?
3RM: Parading around house banners on Sports Day.
Dude. You had banners at your Sports Days? No way dude. That's special.
Peas: You guys didn't paint house banners?
3RM: No dude. Sports Day was an affair where you'd run....and then leave. It was an inconvenience, wedged neatly in between rugby and the odd cricket match.
Peas: What happened at your school when people got busted for smoking pot again? Where the story made it into the papers and it was well shameful?
3RM: Oh, you mean 27 of us? It was on a class field trip back in '95. Twenty seven guys smoked pot. Out of A4 paper or the likes. Amateurs. Could only expel a few of us, because 27 boys was half the year.
Peas: That's hilarious.
3RM: You had to do what for your cac?
Peas: Turn down their bed covers, draw them good night cards with pretty little flowers and something equally twee like, “good night, sleep tight, hope the bed bugs don't bite,” fill their water bottles, fold their laundry, and make them hot chocolate.
3RM: No way dude. I just made my cac sit on the toilet to warm it up in the mornings and maybe buy me cigarettes. Hold on a second, what the fuck is this?....you hooked up with that guy?
Peas: Er...yeah. But in context, I was at my matric ball after party, a little wrecked, and wrapped in a Persian carpet on the floor. So I was, essentially, imprisoned.
3RM: Oh my fucking days...remember this guy?
3RM: He and I offered to waiter at a ball, where they didn't seem to quite grasp the likely loophole of us serving and therefore pilfering all the free drinks, and we ended up so hammered, my housemaster found me in my blazer lying in the rain the next morning, passed out.
Peas: I was the worst date for this matric ball. I puked on the guy's shoes on the bus.
3RM: What? That is well skanky. Look at this picture, you guys look like convicts!
Peas: I know. We all ended up swimming in the school fountain.
3RM: You know how many guys pissed in the school fountain? Take this guy for example.
Peas: He was my boyfriend in Std 9.
And so it went. The album is under lock and key. I really don't want anybody to actually remember the discoball dress I wore (and thought was beautiful, ravishing and flattering) to my school formal dinner, for instance. And 3RM I don't think will forget that image for a while. We laughed until we cried.
PS: To the guy whose shoes I accidentally vomited on...yeah, I'm sorry about that. I owe you one big guy. :)