Hi. Me again.
Aren't you a bunch of lucky bastards, all this attention. I've tried to keep quiet and not bother you for at least six months, but I fear I will darn right explode if I do not say anything.
It's about Home & Away. Xobviously.
Remember when it used to show between 7:00pm and 7:30pm – the prime time slot – just as I was sitting down to a marvellously soggy, microwave meal for one, feet up on the chair, a glass of wine? You'll know the time, when I was actually home from work?
You know what's coming, don't you?
If I was a stay-at-home wife that assembled the ironing board in front of the tube, so that I could catch the afternoon's throng of cliffhangers, while my husbank went off to work, then hark, I wouldn't be writing this letter, would I?
I get that it's not the most sought-after television series on the planet. But let me tell you something for nothing: every single person that has spent an ample amount of time in my humble apartment, has become addicted to it almost immediately.
That's a pretty powerful concept. Think about it. Stupid Australian crap is, actually, that wonderful.
So before I completely lose my rag in the latter of this letter, let me commend you on your fabulous and impeccable taste. Choosing to air the Australian soapie at all, yes, I am eternally grateful, yadda yadda yadda.
Let's look at the statistics here for a second. After two episodes, I was glued. It's just the sort of superfluous bullshit that I find therapeutic after a day of being Femi-Hitler in my working environment. It's hard being the Office Nazi, ok.
The characters are hot, the plot is simple, and as Martha Stewart my newly-addicted flatmate so correctly points out, “The plot flows quickly. It's not like The Bold & The Beautiful where three years later Brooke and Taylor are still fighting over Ridge.” Quite right.
She's on the fucking button, isn't she?
Shit happens quickly in Summer Bay. It ebbs and flows – affairs are quick and scandalous, murder mysteries are solved within a week, and we love the fact that a cult is bought in every once in a while to shake things up. We all liked that little touch.
I am not the only addict. When Ex S lived with me, like clockwork, he'd watch it. Oh yes. Third Roommate got angry when we didn't speak during the commercials. Third World Ant sat glued to it, and Martha Stewart has swiftly jumped on the Summer Bay bandwagon too.
It sounds idyllic doesn't it? With one mighty flaw. And this is where you
You changed the time slot from 7:00pm to 4:30pm. That's quite a jump there.
I've beared this for 6 months. Because I snuck out of work early back in the good old days when I wasn't a slave. But since work has become of an absolute obliteration of time and energy, (shit is hectic; I'm not just saying that) – this is no longer feasible. So, essentially, I am now missing my favourite time of the day.
A chunk is missing. It's fucking gone.
My appeal. Right, so I know only 7 people watch it in this country. Shame for the rest of the population. They have no idea what they're missing out on, and ignorance may be bliss, but for 7 people, we fucking know what's cooking on the Australian coastline. When we're actually privvy to watching it, as some of us have jobs not husbanks, see.
I'm willing to do any appropriate marketing pulpit-and grandstand-style, if you would just change the time slot. I mean, do yourselves a favour and take off that stupid Go Chat shit I have been so unfortunate to switch to at 5:00pm and stick it in there. Seriously. Go Chat is really, really dumb guys. Really dumb. And so are the “Chat DJs” too.
Don't answer this until you've really thought it through and then answer “YES. YES. YES.”
I need my fix. As heroin addicts need Pete Doherty and his dealers, I need this. Are we understanding each other?
Yours in 4:30pm is a shit time for a daily soap,
Peas On Toast
PS: Grey's Anatomy has come to an abrupt end. I'm therefore doubly irate. Please, seriously, HELP ME THE FUCK OUT HERE.
I added some pretty pictures entirely for your benefit. Look how happy these people are. Look at them. Look at them long and hard.