In order to survive not having me bite your head off at the moment, please refrain from:
1) Telling me about your holiday plans. Yes, we know you're going to be sipping a tropical beverage from a coconut in a week's time. I know you're going down to Plett and the likes with the rest of Joburg, to sit on the fucking beach and go to fucking Cornuti's and swim in the fucking shark-infested ocean. Woooooohooooo.
Or likewise, you're hitting Cape Town for some festive overcrowded flair. Great. And I am jealous, sure. Although I did turn down Cape Town in favour for Jozi this festive season, have you know. I'm not going on holiday; I'm working right through this bitch. I am to spend my first Christmas and New Year's in....the Witwatersrand. And I don't know how I am going to cope. Am glad all you hooligans are going to warm and wonderful places where the sand is sandy and the water is watery. Remind me again. At your peril.
2) Refrain from making me guess. This goes for my boss and all the others around me. Don't make me guess, be direct and tell me exactly what's going on, project-wise, social-wise, whatever-wise. Otherwise we both end up looking like tits.
3) When I wake up, and take my first early morning pee, it doesn't mean I actually want to have a conversation.
4) The dude who walked up to my car and looked into my non-tinted windows to see what was on the passenger's seat, in the middle of town. Yes, of course I had a fit.
But, mate, when my boss had a smash and grab last week in the same vicinity, and another mate, and another mate, I tend to get immediately suss, and act accordingly. If you weren't planning on stealing my laptop, then I apologise for looking like I was about to kill you. If you were, don't fuck with me. It's in the boot anyway. This is how it's done.
5) Mr 747 is finally getting used to my bed. As in, he can finally actually sleep in it. This spells good news. This is how it's done.
6) When you want a good gin and tonic and a plateful of lamb chops, go to the Radium Beerhall. This is how it has been done for decades.