Tuesday, December 11, 2007

kenneth gorelick, esquire

I'm torn out. I'm the capital city of the United STATES of torn out.

I know this because when people ask me to do stuff, or ask me to be there, or try and squeeze in that, or relentlessly haggle me for something, I have to remind myself to be polite and not say “fuck off you're really starting to bother me."

I sat and daydreamed last night about rolling green hills filled with neighing horses and their sweet smelling digested by-product;

I daydreamed about turning my bathroom taps on...and instead of water, Steri Stumpi/Iron Brew/Vodka Tonic comes out the taps instead;

I daydreamed that I can have sexual relations eight times a day on a tropical island with Mr 747 only dressed in palm fronds;

I daydreamed that someone dumps wods of banknotes onto my doorstep, or even gold, or something basically worth millions of ront, so that I can just retire and sleep.

Then I whacked Kenny G into my CD shuttle, and suddenly, I wasn't pawing at my face like a mental patient. It was all saxophones and electric pianos. And strange looks from the platinum bitch sitting in a Z4 beside me, but whatever.

Kenny G, you curly haired, saxophone puffing hippie legend.

Suddenly I'm driving slower, and I don't feel like I'm going to snap every five seconds. (At the moment, it's like a bell inside my head, going off, hammering away at my ever-fraying synapses. I really believe I'm close to losing it, due to general overworkedness.)

Mr 747 and I got takeaway after the poor bugger went to three Woolies last night just to get stirfry ingredients for my dinner, and the chicken turns out to be off and salmonella-infested.

Throughout yesterday, I went to my happy place and thought of this.
So Kenny G you perm-obsessed pornstar, thanks for saving me. 'Cos I nearly murdered a few stupidly-placed souls - before I settled in for a night with my boyfriend, who'd had an equally shit, if not worse, day.

I imagined massacre; starting with the Wongs that live next door to him. Who decided it apt to drill a fucking shrine and/or reclining buddha into their wall at 8:00pm, which turns out, is also the adjoining wall of 747's lounge. Yesterday was hardcore.

Luckily, Kenny G came along and blew a wind instrument through my speakers, and we all lived to see another day.

PS: That's his name. Kenneth Gorelick. Sexy.

22 comments:

Vimbai said...

Who'd have thunk Kenny G and his curly tresses could save the day!

I'm not a great fan of him, ever since i was like 8 and caught a music video of him and kept wondering "where're the words", lol. Am glad he does it for you tho, hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - don't you think he bears a simply uncanny resemblance to Michael Bolton?

I've just realised that I have a thing for curly haired men. It's never been something I've thought about before, until very recently.

La lalalalalala!

Vimbai said...

Mmmh, now that you mention it! Well before Michael Bolton went for the barely-hair look anyway.

Dammit, now i've got his song "Said i loved you but i lied" song in my head...nothing a little gangsta rap can't remove *muhahaha*

Peas on Toast said...

Vimbai - oy yes.

I'm listening to a genre called...minimalist techno tight now. (Office.)

It's super.

fush and chips said...

Sadly Bill Hicks died before he could realise his "Let's Hunt and Kill Kenny G" TV show. Life is cruel sometimes.

Peas on Toast said...

fush - hahahahahahahahaha!

Life's a bitch hey? ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

If it works for you then don't stop spinning the man. although I have to question the fact that you actually own one of his cds.

I threatened to beat a customer senseless last week. i think this could have been avoided if our sound system had more good jazz standards and alternative rock on it - Ben Folds Five comes to mind - as opposed to the latino lounge shite that brings my blood to boil.

Peas on Toast said...

Insomniac - ha ha ha. Viva el Kenneth Gorelick, Senor!

oooh wait, latino no good here. I agree. Doesn't do much for me unless I'm drinking tequila.

Spencer Eggworth said...

Peas,

The wanker in question has the actual surname of Grolnik - he is of eastern european descent, hence the ageing porn star look and inability to stay in tune. Sorry but I just hate the doos.

Peas on Toast said...

Spencer Eggworth - nay nay, my little doos of special proportions...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_G

What say you?

Spencer Eggworth said...

But he looks like a Grolnik, not a GoreLicker.

http://www.jazzoasis.com/methenyonkennyg.htm

Peas on Toast said...

OK no fair enough. Hes a piece of work, that I can't deny.

Is he still even, like, alive? Just thought now that he hasn't been around in some years. Maybe the Grolnik monsters ate him up and spat out the hair...

Spencer Eggworth said...

: )LOL - Yeah, a saliva soaked saxophone sucking furball....I think he got whacked by some real Jazz Musos.

Peas on Toast said...

Spencer (and I'm sure I've told you this before - I just love your name. It's both regal and silly at the same time - a wonderful mix)

...have you noticed that in his "music videos" he uses his sax as a prop. There are stills of him cleaning his sax in his own videos. Now that's a different kind of special.
:)

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