Monday, January 14, 2008

it's really this good!*

“....this is one car chase you don't see everyday! Through a graveyard! We're in Salivaville, Arkansas, and this young lady has no intention of stopping....ever!............She is arrested for having products to make methamphetamine in her car!”

“.....The police decide to search a woman's car after seeing a drug-related narcotics sticker on the dash! And what do we have here? A baggie of marijuana!...these police have just put a chill on these girls winter plans...with a felony charge!”

“....this policeman has just run over the suspect as he jumps in front of his car! He suffers minor injuries and is jailed for a suspended license!

Well pump me full of cream and call me a Twinkie.

The funbus never stops in Sobriety Club.

Guest on talkshow: "I found a camera in my public bathrooms at work. Behind the toilet. The security guard who put it there got 15 days in jail. I am now campaigning to change his misdemenour charge into a felony charge."

Talkshow host: "Well that's just beautiful."

(That's beautiful? That's all you got? How about trying “well that's courageous and well done?" for size, you dumb idiot?)

"Places to look for hidden cameras in public bathrooms are behind the air vents, the paper towel dispensers, the soap dispensers, behind the toilet, and look for stray wires.”

Cue Aunty Peas with torch, going to the bathrooms this morning and checking all the places for hidden cameras. Paranoia is gnawing away at my temporal lobe, the same place where alcohol was previously stored.

The lengths of sheer depravity and depth reality TV reaches these days is quite admirable.

But my favourite. My absolute jaw-dropping, thank-fuck-I-gave-up-a-night-of-boozing for this-favourite. The ultimate, "is this really happening on TV?" moment occurred at midnight on Saturday night after a sober, yet enjoyable meal at Soi with ten other people.

Cheaters. The sheer depravity and dysfunction of society on a whole, is shown explicitly in this show, and honestly - I mean:

"So your husband has been cheating." [Shows her video camera]. "Let's go find him in this hotel room."
[Woman walks into room with camera crew, just as a transvestite prostitute dressed in a pleather batman costume, is on his upswing with a whip, and is about to plant it on the cheating boyfriend's derriere. The boyfriend is handcuffed to the bed and is wearing a pleather mask.]

“Honey, she's helping me sort out my intimacy issues.”

[Intimacy issues? With a transvestite S & M hooker? That's perfect.]

“The three of us could work this out, look it's beautiful, us three together, right now!”

[Boet, you're still talking? I mean, there you are, in a leather thong, your wrists are fluffy handcuffed, you have a batman mask on. And you've just been caught with a prostitute in mid-whip swing. I mean, and you're still talking?]

This weekend, it sucked being in Sobriety Club. Firstly, it was E2's housewarming, at her new spot in Westdene. (“Ooh guys, is anyone else feeling the effects of this punch? Wow this is nice.”...Ooh this punch has a bit of a kick hey guys?”) But, even though Aunty Peas was more sober than the soberest person on the fudging planet, it was good.

One thing you do notice when you're not getting trouser-legged, is when others start getting fucked. You're having a conversation, when suddenly the noise level rises ostensibly. People are suddenly shouting. And for once, my voice stays at the same volume as it was at 4:00pm. (Low). Or in the middle of the conversation, the person suddenly goes: “Yeah, so we were stting watching this sunset and WOOOOOOOHEEEEEEEEE – how's this punch hey?” (I'm sure it's very very nice.)
Then the body movements start. “Yeah, work's been hell on coming back...oh my GOD. I LOVE this song!” And they'll start dancing. It's interesting to watch, and I didn't feel out of sorts per se – I just didn't know, drunk.

One place I know I can't handle right now are the usual After Work On Friday Drinking Holes. When you have to queue for a drink, and you get bumped copiously. This is ovverated when I'm buzzing on gin and tonics, but sober....hell no.

Blow me down with a straw. But Sobriety Club was a serious liability this weekend past.

I'm halfway through January.

* My voice is straining of the "this".


Anonymous said...

I'm proud of you. Most people would resort to drinking to dull the pain of not drinking.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kyk - I'm proud of me too! :)

(14 days. One quarter of the way through the entire sober expedition...)

Champagne Heathen said...

I think I actually am really impressed the creators of CHEATERS have managed to pull that concept off...
"Hi, I am convinced the love of my life is screwing someone else, so while this is an incredible blow to my self-esteem & world, I would like you to add to my pain! Please could you also humiliate me tremendously by airing the whole sordid thing on global television! Uhh, exactly how much do I have to pay for such a lambasting?..."

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - I know! The humiliation of cheating is bad enough, why the fuck would anyone want it aired on TV as well? The mind boggles.

Jam said...

Funny. I was also at a braai where there was "punch". But thank goodness for being sobre on Saturday night since if I'd been really really drunk, it would have been absolute chaos. Suddenly I realise that sobriety has it's place.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - oh it most definitely has its place. And although is was difficult (old habits ARE really hard to break), it was superb not waking up to a hangover and loser's complex!


Nessers said...

It's funny how many people actually think you have not had fun unless you have a hangover - well done on finding it out heheh

As to Cheaters - It's all scripted I am sure - no female will be so calm on finding her partner cheating on her tho I must admit I think I would just walk out the room but it gets ratings and the "victim" is paid a fee for being on the show

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - yeah, The scary thing is I've already forgotten what a hangover feels like. It's amazing how one can forget something so severe :)

As for Cheaters, some of those women were instigating hair pulling/vulgar screaming/throwing punches/pretending to be on Jerry if it's money they're there for, it all makes sense!

Hollywoodgal said...

They say it takes 11 days to break a habit. Or 3 weeks ("they've" said both)... but anyway. You're either more than halfway out of the habit, or over it already! But, help me here, are you planning on going back to hangovers and kak in 2 months time?

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Hollywoodgal!

Well now that does make me feel like a million bucks...I'm almost there either way!

Yeah after two months I'll engage in my favourite habit of all time...except with less...force. Benders will be kept for special occasions, not ever Friday night. :) I'm slipping into a thing called "moderation." People talk about it all the time, and wanted to discover what it was all about. :)

Insane Insomniac said...

oh Peas! Not you too. most of my regulars have gone into dry month mode and i'm dying of boredom due to it!!!

Give it another week of mind-numbing tv before you break out the gin!!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - yep, me too! I'm gonna have to find a new hobby and pronto!

Anonymous said...