“....this is one car chase you don't see everyday! Through a graveyard! We're in Salivaville, Arkansas, and this young lady has no intention of stopping....ever!............She is arrested for having products to make methamphetamine in her car!”
“.....The police decide to search a woman's car after seeing a drug-related narcotics sticker on the dash! And what do we have here? A baggie of marijuana!...these police have just put a chill on these girls winter plans...with a felony charge!”
“....this policeman has just run over the suspect as he jumps in front of his car! He suffers minor injuries and is jailed for a suspended license!”
Well pump me full of cream and call me a Twinkie.
The funbus never stops in Sobriety Club.
Guest on talkshow: "I found a camera in my public bathrooms at work. Behind the toilet. The security guard who put it there got 15 days in jail. I am now campaigning to change his misdemenour charge into a felony charge."
Talkshow host: "Well that's just beautiful."
(That's beautiful? That's all you got? How about trying “well that's courageous and well done?" for size, you dumb idiot?)
"Places to look for hidden cameras in public bathrooms are behind the air vents, the paper towel dispensers, the soap dispensers, behind the toilet, and look for stray wires.”
Cue Aunty Peas with torch, going to the bathrooms this morning and checking all the places for hidden cameras. Paranoia is gnawing away at my temporal lobe, the same place where alcohol was previously stored.
The lengths of sheer depravity and depth reality TV reaches these days is quite admirable.
But my favourite. My absolute jaw-dropping, thank-fuck-I-gave-up-a-night-of-boozing for this-favourite. The ultimate, "is this really happening on TV?" moment occurred at midnight on Saturday night after a sober, yet enjoyable meal at Soi with ten other people.
Cheaters. The sheer depravity and dysfunction of society on a whole, is shown explicitly in this show, and honestly - I mean:
"So your husband has been cheating." [Shows her video camera]. "Let's go find him in this hotel room."
[Woman walks into room with camera crew, just as a transvestite prostitute dressed in a pleather batman costume, is on his upswing with a whip, and is about to plant it on the cheating boyfriend's derriere. The boyfriend is handcuffed to the bed and is wearing a pleather mask.]
“Honey, she's helping me sort out my intimacy issues.”
[Intimacy issues? With a transvestite S & M hooker? That's perfect.]
“The three of us could work this out, look it's beautiful, us three together, right now!”
[Boet, you're still talking? I mean, there you are, in a leather thong, your wrists are fluffy handcuffed, you have a batman mask on. And you've just been caught with a prostitute in mid-whip swing. I mean, and you're still talking?]
This weekend, it sucked being in Sobriety Club. Firstly, it was E2's housewarming, at her new spot in Westdene. (“Ooh guys, is anyone else feeling the effects of this punch? Wow this is nice.”...Ooh this punch has a bit of a kick hey guys?”) But, even though Aunty Peas was more sober than the soberest person on the fudging planet, it was good.
One thing you do notice when you're not getting trouser-legged, is when others start getting fucked. You're having a conversation, when suddenly the noise level rises ostensibly. People are suddenly shouting. And for once, my voice stays at the same volume as it was at 4:00pm. (Low). Or in the middle of the conversation, the person suddenly goes: “Yeah, so we were stting watching this sunset and WOOOOOOOHEEEEEEEEE – how's this punch hey?” (I'm sure it's very very nice.)
Then the body movements start. “Yeah, work's been hell on coming back...oh my GOD. I LOVE this song!” And they'll start dancing. It's interesting to watch, and I didn't feel out of sorts per se – I just didn't feel......you know, drunk.
One place I know I can't handle right now are the usual After Work On Friday Drinking Holes. When you have to queue for a drink, and you get bumped copiously. This is ovverated when I'm buzzing on gin and tonics, but sober....hell no.
Blow me down with a straw. But Sobriety Club was a serious liability this weekend past.
I'm halfway through January.
* My voice is straining of the "this".