Thursday, April 10, 2008

wicked witchcraft

I had a swift tingling of something yesterday.
It wasn't my groin area.

I gave some thought into, or perhaps even imagining, myself putting on some heels, shaving my legs and pulling on a miniskirt. And then going somewhere nobody else can find me, indulge in a cocktail and charf a whole lot of men in a bar.

In other words, I felt a tiny beam of normality yesterday. I felt like me. (“Hi Peas. It's Peas. I'd like to come back.”) I'm going to do this on Friday with two mates. I don't want to pick anyone up, that's way too predictable and boring, I just want to meet new people. People with penises. I want to be friends with more of them, and that's a good start isn't it?

I sang in the car yesterday for the first time in a while. Broke out in song, with drums and everything. I haven't done that in ages, mainly because every second is spent watching from my rearview mirrors. Wow. But I have since come up with a short-term solution to driving and not feeling threatened and all that: voodoo.

Voodoo chinas.

Collected a few feathers, a small jar of red dye (blood from a sacred goat), an embalmed claw (the claw), and banged it all together with twine. A fake, but hopefully realistic voodoo concoction, right there, a-swinging where they can all see – and fear – it.

Fuzzy dice go; in comes the black magic.

And, since my dashboard is so large – can have a dinner party on this baby – I'm placing a very real looking rubber cobra (with fangs and ev'thing), on it.

Beware the criminal who comes too close, my car reeks of superstition. Which means I can maybe slightly relax, not get speeding and jumping-robot fines, and sing a little more. Life's too short not to fucking sing. Seriously.

Was discussing sex toys with someone t'other day, yesterday maybe, and imagined maybe walking into Adult World and thinking, “maybe I'll buy a strap on.”
Interesting thought. A dildo with straps. Imagine the damage you could do with that?

Like knock vases off the table, or whatever.

No seriously.

(Um, can someone explain how I suddenly have 16 970-something hits today?? WTF is going on?? This is scary!)


EricE said...

don't you get to see on your stats where your referrals came from? which site sent them to you?

and then thank that site very nicely for the mention they made of you on their site :)

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Eric

Yeah, I'm going to look into it this morning and find out, because I'm kinda sitting here mouth agape thinking, "Jesus, I feel vulnerable! :)"

So bizarre! Will see what I can find, and if it isn't a spambot, I will thank the site and also be a little...scared at the same time.

Peas on Toast said...

OK, have found the source.

It's Vernon Koekemoer, I jest it not.

A site feed in the States found the post I wrote about Vernon (more than two weeks ago), and it seems there a lot of people from Oregon and Pennsylvania checking him out.

Vernon has hit America folks.

And Vernon made my hits spike. What an oke :)

Anonymous said...

If you put the dildo with straps on the dash, that's some serious voodoo right there.

Peas on Toast said...

Might make passers-by gawp a little longer than is comfortable though.


MsBehavn said...

LOL ... Vernon's such a legend! I'm not even surprised that he's quite a hit in the Deep South of the US of Aye! I think it's the wife-beater shirt (and mullet) ...

Just be careful of the "strapon on the dash" thing, Peas. That could make you quite popular in some parts of Melville *giggle*

Peas on Toast said...

MsBehavn - Isn't Vern the biggest legend ever? He made me famous for a few hours, I definitely owe him a drink!

Yeah and on the strap-on, I don't figure it would be a great investment. Would never use it. Rather spend any cashola I have on a new pair of smokin' heels! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

I have a snake on my dashboard. It has made the odd newspaper seller jump. Good. But someone recommended a dry sheep's skull would probably be more of a deterrent. I couldn't go through with it, but if you are wanting to take the freaky magic one step further...

Anonymous said...

And here's me thinking you got 20 000 odd hits, cause you're talking about buying a strap on!

How could i under estimate the power of Vernon.

I'm haning my head in shame


Peas on Toast said...

Champs - A ha! See? Rubber snakes, tried and tested! Is it a big, um, snake?

Loving the skull idea too. It would make me look punk rock and pyscho on top of it...but where to find a sheep's skull. Can't buy them for love or money :)

Anon - hahah, I know. Strap ons aren't nearly as amazing as Vern. I'd show Vern my strap on. Anyday.

I owe him a drink for the 20 000 odd hits today. Thanks Vernie. xxxx

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, it is a little thin chap, but he does the job juuust fine. I am completely satisfied with his performance in my vehicle.

As for the skaap se kop, I reckon when you next go to the Free State you ask that local butcher for one & he'll happily oblige in proudly handing over his dried skulls. Here's hoping it doesn't smell!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah suddenly a sheep skull doesn't seem all that chavtastic.

I might stick with my witchcraft present-to-the-gods thing :)

A snake is the way forward. Fuck, I'm even scared of it already. :)

GoneWithTheWind said...

so whats up with those party people in the picture on this post? are they zombies? gordon's gonna be pissed! hahahaha! is vernon at that party?

Peas on Toast said...

Wind - they're fucked out of their heads, who is Gordon, and no, but he should be!


GoneWithTheWind said...

fuck on what? a sniff of vernon's underarm? seriously, what makes you look like that!?!?! jebus

Peas on Toast said...

Wind - Crack. I heard it has a similar affect.


Anonymous said...

Forgive my ignorance. I thought that VErnon was an Aprils Fools joke on 5fm?!!

anyway Maybe they were sniffing vernon's underarm. what else could make you look both demon possessed and ecstatic at the same time.

Maybe I could try some of that.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - there are a few conspiracy theories going around - or were going around in the beginning - that Vern didn't exist. But he does, he's even been on telly. Insane eh?

Rachel said...

The reason you got a gazillion hits is because you made the Reddit front page! Congrats!

Rachel said...

And here's the link from Reddit,

in case you can't find the article listed later on.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, you'll never believe what I've just seen on Skynews, Vernon Koekemoer and your blogg, Peas you're famous!

happy snapper said...

ha ha ha ha! Vernon is so a legend. Nice going Peas :)

And you gave me the most brilliant idea Peas! A rubber snake on the dashboard! Do you drink "genius" in the mornings? ha ha ha. But seriously, you should so be singing when you drive. I can totally relate though. I bought my very first car last year november, and two weeks later, it was stolen!!! from outside my house! so now, with my new car....I get excited to see it where I parked it. And yes, Im still freaked out at times, but I sing my bladdy heart out!! :)

Here's so volume nobs and sound-proofish windows!!!

happy snapper said...

My bad....I type like a spethil person sometimes.
Let me try that again:

Here's TO volume nobs and sound-proofish windows!! :)