Wednesday, May 14, 2008

...however there is

...one thing the New Peas would do.

And that's buy a fucken pimpin' pair of hair tongs.

Hair has never been my bag. I keep it long so that I can put it up. It's that simple. Leaving it down means one thing: small animals can make themselves at home, if I stand still long enough. It's not super straight, and it's not curly either. It's irritatingly in-between.

I just can't be bothered with hair. Frankly, there are other more important things to do. I am always both aghast and awe-struck at normal women who actually use their blowdryers and get up three hours earlier in the morning to make their hair all beautiful and lovely.

I take about 2.5 minutes, and yes, it shows. But frankly, who has the fucking time ladies? Where do you get off?

Anyway. That was the Old Peas talking. I've come up with a solution. And it'll knock yer tits off.

The solution for hair has to be simple:
1)It must take no less than 10 minutes to do
2)It must work good and proper. None of this half-arss shit, where after 10 minutes you might as well have just whacked on a hair net and got on with business.
3)It must take me longer to brush my teeth basically. This cannot be reiterated enough.

In which case, I have been advised by my female minions that a good hair straightening iron is what I should possess.

I've had hair tongs. I own a fucking hairdryer. Do you think I use these useless appliances?
No. They do a half-arss job and take more than an hour. Fuck that for a joke.

I was told I need one of those 'ghd' hair irons. That cost, oh my wet non-existent testicle bag, R2 500. I could get a week's ski pass in Saalbach for that. Get the fuck out of here.

So I bought one that does the same job as a 'gdh' (notice the lower case: these hair tongs are so pretentious, you could take them to The Palms and call it your new best gay friend.)

I got another set, the cheapo knock-off pair. One swoop through my unmanageable locks, and my hair is straighter and shinier than a horse's mane in a dressage competition. And it didn't cost me my kidney.

I'm Stokahontas.

One, one swoop with my cheap[er] knock-off tongs, and I'm a different woman. It took me ten minutes as promised to turn my crowning glory into a fucking masterpiece.

Interestingly, because I usually hate reading manuels, but it said :Achtung! Attention! Note! Don't be alarmed if you see smoke. The temperature can rise to 230 degrees, this is normal.

Normal people don't mind frying their hair follicles, I see.

And then I bought some extra bits and pieces for my New Winter Look – which I might add someone told me I looked very 'London' on Saturday night – which should work a treat when I'm actually there – so right now, The New Peas is unfolding.

And since I had a 7:30am meeting this morning, the least I could do is actually look good, right?

PS: I'm preparing for the ultimate chav hunt in London in two weeks. My mates reckon I'm going to get punched, or perhaps even killed. The thrill of living on the edge always gets me going. The Dove says if I set up a ripped DVD table outside 'Arrods, they'll flock to my stall and if I'm dressed in a tracksuit, they might talk to me and buy my ripped DVDs. Ten out of ten for originality, but this seems a little impractical. Must coin another plan. Might make the trip to Croydon over one of the weekends.

44 comments:

kyknoord said...

"Don't be alarmed if you see smoke"
I think I saw that on a box of condoms once.

Nessers said...

OH Peas - you need to spray some kind of protection onto your locks first cos the steam is not good as basically it is cooking your hair and if you don't protect the hair it will get into really bad condition. Treseme (bad spelling) has a good one (a spray) from Pick n Pay that won't cost a kidney and works like a charm - you should get some

And here endeth the nag from the mom

leez said...

r less and still come out looking hot. Just be careful you don't heat up too much.

Nessers is right. I woke one morning to my sister bitching in all three languages she knows including the stuff she learnt in France. Why? She didn't apply silicone. Heads up for next time.

L

leez said...

This blogger is giving me grief.

First part of the message should read: Its always cool when you get some hot item for less...

;)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Ooh Kyk, and did the disclaimer reveal itself to be true?

Nessers - Shit. And last night I ftried my hair at about midnight, just to see if it worked properly. And it did! I am now sitting in my office with my hair down and it's long and straight! However, you're right - I need to get some silicone and and all - I hjave some, but again I just need to actually use it. (An extra 2 minutes to the entire regime)

Leez - yes, I don't need broken hair right now. So next it to get some good products for the old crown!

And these hair tongs are a miracle worker - god I'm chuffed!

happy snapper said...

"I'm Stokahontas." - waaahahahaha! love that! :)

Hair tongs are the bomb DOT com!
I love mine...granted, its no ghd either...but it gets the job done (almost) perfectly every time. And yes, I use the same product that Nessers was suggesting, and it rocks my pants.

Peas on Toast said...

Snapper - well babe if it rocks your pants, then chances are it's gonna rock mine even more! I'll look into product - I mean I'm halfway there, I have the tongs. Now just to beef it all up with product.com :)

musings said...

(Disclaimer - this comment may suggest that I flog GHDs from my car boot)

Peas, I have had a non-GHD iron and now, having conned my Dad into purchasing me a GHD, I am a proper convert.

The knock-off worked well for a while, but the plates eventually broke. The sleekness didn't last through the day. It fried my hair (and I used spritzy spray religiously).

My GHD on the other hand heats up in seconds, literally, and works so much better. You think your hair is shiny now? There just is no comparison.

What recommendation - save for the GHD. Or con your dad into buying you one :)

Jam said...

Haha. The lady hath sucumbed to the wonders of the hair straightner. You know how I feel about mine. I spent the insane amount of money on a GHD almost two years ago and I love it with all my heart. Next to my rabbit, it's the best appliance I own.
;-)

Jam said...

Oh yeah, and the Tresemme spray is fab.

leez said...

This is fast becoming an infomercial.

Peas on Toast said...

musings (and Jam!) - I do see your logic, and if I use this straightener as religiously as you guys do, I'll probably need a new one in a few months, let's be honest. Things is TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED RAND?!

It just doesn't make sense. IT'S A HAIR TONG THINGIE. And yes the rave reviews on the ghd (lower case ladies, lower case), are 100% rave.

A question about Tresemme: do I spray this guy on before I start straightening? Or everytime I wash my hair, or after? Any hairdressers in the house?

Peas on Toast said...

leez - quick, where's Isabel Jones?

Oh wait...(RIP, Izzie)

Jam said...

before you straighten..
I promise the money is worth it, because once you've been through three el cheapos, you may as well have bought a ghd

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - so I hear. But I think of it as a credit card rating.

Charmskool said...

Tresemme hey? Good tip - Peas always educational. Enjoy the straight hair. I'm hoping my hair (which is neither straight nor curly just annoying)will get in the habit of being straight and begin to believe it's natural and stay that way. I believe in the tooth fairy and Santa and the Easter bunny.....

Sheena Gates said...

Okay - I confess, I didn't read comments today - so if this is a repeat I agolopise:

WHAT. STRAIGHTENER. DID. YOU. GET? I also balked at the price of ghd and I've just thrown my 4th one in the bin.

Also, Stokahontas? Holy fuckballs I laughed at that.

Okay - back to work. Is my first day on job.

Peas on Toast said...

charmskoll - ah lass, I share your affliction. The not completely curly not completely straight vibe. It's annoying isn't it?

Apparently you can learn to use these tongs to make your hair CURLY AS WELL. Like curl it yourself. So if I get the urge for a perm, well, yeah....I can make one. All by myself. For one night only.

Sheena - it's some french make, will have to check the box again, cost me a mere R600. The one I had before cost the amount I'd give a car guard in Joburg. :)

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR FIRST DAY BABE! My thoughts are with you, knock 'em dead! :)

musings said...

You're right - R2,500 is a lot (which is why I wangled mine as a gift) but keep an eye out for special offers.

I got mine around Christmas, it was R2,300 and was accompanied by all sorts of lovely goodies. I think the iron on its own is about R1,900.

I agree with Jam, the money is completely worth it. Save up girls, you really won't look back.

Ches said...

You know, I've just read this post (thrice X4) and was about to ask what the hell 'hair thongs' are???
I've just realised I have mindlessly added an 'h' (in my head of coarse) to 'tongs'!!!
Shit I've been so effing confused! Thought this was some kind of new g-string that added some fluff to your areeea in case your brazlian wax didn't grow back!!!! WHY WOULD YOU WANT ONE OF THOSE PEAS, WHY????

Revolving Credit said...

It appears that as with any personal electrical appliance, you need to use a good lubricant else it gonna hurt.

Do you get XY spray??

If you do decide to go down the R2500 route, first check whether this unit can be used to make grilled cheese sandwhichs.
The logic being that when you get bored/ frustrated with the whole hair thing you don't just end up with a useless appliance in the drawer. At the very least, you'd have a bedroom griller for midnight snacks.

The Divine Miss M said...

Dude Croyden is THE place to go for Chavs.

Seriously.

You can't miss the fuckers.

I'm also thinking that if you get yourself knocked up, stand in the street arguing over who the father is and then claim benefits they'll accept you sooner than you can say "Burberry is all that"

Angell said...

Ladies, relax, Professional in the house. Peas, congrats on your iron but seriously girl, if you would like to have hair left on your kop, start saving for your ghd. By the way, i can get you one for only 1900 bokkies. Worth every cent, except if you like the chemo-look.

And the ladies are right, Tresemme is a wonderful product, but just like your facial product, to get the best result, you should use the whole range.

If you dont mind, a teensy bit of edu to keep your shiney straight style last longer:
- after wash and conditioner spray your hair with a leave in conditioner (avoid washing your hair with your head upside down, it will encourage curl and fizzyness)
- use a heat protection spray before using hair dryer or iron
- after seal hair with one drop of silicone to prevent frizzyness, apply silicone from ends onwards (never on roots)
- try not to use your iron more than twice a week. Have you tried hot curlers before? that is a nice change aswell.
Also, to see smoke is normal, it doesnt mean you are frying your hair, its simply the result of apply heat to the product and moisture on your hair.

Hope that helped...

Revolving Credit said...

Just pictured you with a cheese sandwhich on your head.

Kinda like sort your hair and make breakfast at the same time.

Now thats gotta save you time in the morning!

amanzimtoti said...

Thank goodness I'm not the only one! I've always wondered how other women get it right to freakin cleanse, tone, moisturise, put on full make-up AND do their hair in the morning! Bloody hell, actually getting dressed is difficult enough for me. I never wear make-up to work. I've tried. It's too much effort. Fortunately my patients usually look worse than me so it's not a problem. It's not hard to look good next to someone soaked in some or other body fluid.

I have to agree with all the ghd convertees. My boyfriend unwittingly bought me one a few months ago and it's freakin amazing. It whips my hair into shape in about 5 mins and it's still straight when I wake up the next morning.

SwissTwist said...

oh I love my ghd.. its a life saver when it comes to my similarily 'irriatingly inbetween' hair.

I would recommend Kerastase Nutritive Serum Oléo-Relax to protect your hair just before you use the hot irons on it..

((Where would one buy it in SA? I looked when I was there a few weeks ago))

Peas on Toast said...

Oh hilarious, I dart off for lunch and come back to a wealth of information concerning hair tongs! And that's TONGS Ches, not thongs for strange bikini waxes, boy. :)

Angell - you're a hair guru! Nice one and thanks so much!

The rest of you and your ghd's. Fine. We've established theyre the way forward. BUT WHY. WHY ARE THEY SO THE SHIT?? And yes even at R1 900 I'm not sure I'd go that route, it just seems like the most indulgent buy in the universe. So why ladies - I want proof that this is the hairtong thingie that not only makes cheese snakwiches like Rev suggests (good idea by the way mate - especially when I'm hungry and not in a kitchen), but seriously, why??

Toti, please can your boyfriend buy me one too? ;)

Miss M - on chavs, can't wait to get to Croyds. Kinda sounds like Roids, innit? I heard they do wonderful facelifts there. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Talk about a cheesy hairdo!

Angell said...

Peas, somethings, like ghd & Prada, just is better. To explain why the ghd iron is better than your pick and pay friend is similar to prefering marmite on toast and not mushy peas. ;-)
Im not just a hair guru by the way...

leez said...

Wow. Welcome to Peas' Hair Boutique. All you need to know about hair sponsored by Tressemme and ghd.

Anyway, I think we should have before and after pics. What do you say Peas?

Jam said...

Rev- I am howling with laughter at the cheesy hair comment. Eurgh.
To get a cheesy thong, use Nik Naks.

leez said...

Hilarious.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - did you just open up a can a worms or what doll - did you just mention the word NIK NAKS?????

Welcome to my hair salon guys, free gdhs, or sponsorship otherwise, welcome!!

Jam said...

I couldn't resist with the mix up with tongs and thongs and Rev's cheesy hair comment.
;-)

Lisa said...

Hey peas.
Jammie and I are having this VERY argument in the office right now.
She insits i'll get it with practice and fall in love just as she has, i don't concur.
My flatmae has a Ghd, as has my sis, and the one time i tried to play with it, i ended up with spur-burger-style grill marks on my forehead :-(
as a friend of mine says, "it's a look, but would you fuck it?"
yeah
so here i sit with uber-frizz op my kop...bad bad bad hair, neither long nor short, neitehr curly nor straight, neither jewfro nor WASP pretty.
Whats a girl to do?
XXX
HPF

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - hahahaha:
i ended up with spur-burger-style grill marks on my forehead

Sorry babe, but that's hilarious! And possibly the only bad thing we've heard about ghd all day! ;)

Jam said...

Hey HPF
Don't knock the ghd because you have a penchant for frying your brain!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Peas, I'm sorry but as a girly girl I am going to admit that I don't know what I did before the era of ghd's! Dramatic? Yes.
Honest? Completely.

Sue at nobaddays said...

Just dropped by to say ... have you seen this? http://www.coverbrowser.com/bubbler

Peas on Toast said...

Blogshell - well you girls have put up quite a fight for this miracle worker, the ghd. A day later, we have an infomercial and all we're missing is Isabel Jones.

By the sounds of things these hair tongs can do my laundry, make me snakwiches and give me a back rub. :)

I'm intrigued. No bad reports, perhaps I should try one out - am very open to that! :)

Sue - thanks so much for that link - what a cool little website! Love it! When I run out of cartoon chutzpah I'll definitely be using that one!

amanzimtoti said...

Peas, they use ghd's in hairdressers. Why not go to one and have them try it on yr hair.
(I don't go to hairdressers btw, I'm intimitated by them.)

Kel said...

I have the GHD (or as my love likes to call it the GBH) Ja hey,you've got to wear some protection!!
Its the best money I ever spent.
I burnt the back of my ear the other day but hey my locks are tamed.

Aunty Helpful Dictator said...

peas, I suspect we have the same hair. I succumbed to the ghd about 6 years ago after I borrowed a friends on a night out and got hit on by a very cute boy (which I attributed entirely to the ghd).

They are wonderful - I'm still on the same one I bought 6 years ago. I never use a protection spray because I don't actually use it that often - when you get it first you think you'll use it everyday - after a while I became too lazy to spend the whole two minutes on my hair. I believe they say you are not supposed to use them more than twice a week or you will fry the hair off your head.

I have mastered the curling thing, but it takes fecking ages, and your arms go dead before you get your whole head done.

A word of warning; if the ghd/ceramic straightener has a fault it is apparently the tendency to explode. Take care of you flex, don't wrap it around the straightened, but loosely coil it in the box. Pulling bits of shrapnel out of your head will probably cramp your style!

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Aunty, shrapnel in the hair, lord - although it could be pretty in blinking lights...

And 6 years the same hair tongs, now that's a good sales pitch - finally!