Wednesday, June 11, 2008
It's been up for a while, but my therapist (And mates and family for that matter) seem to think it will resolve itself in good time.
Good time has passed. It's been a few months of this. Seriously, who has the time for more time?
I can't even describe it, it's a very strange feeling. And yes, it's significant to change (entire career change too – with my new job), various trauma and I suppose exhaustion of all the former, and yet, it's not a debilitating feeling.
Like, I'm functioning more than I'd ever function, like, ever.
If I were to describe the symptoms, it's difficult. Because they all completely contradict each other, and that's what's so fucking FRUSTRATING with the whole scenario. My therapist helped me with a lot of stuff a few months ago, but now, nothing but nothing helps, except to ride it out. And even then, will I ever feel the same?
Complete detachment to the world somehow. But at the same time feeling at ease with it. Just detachment and isolation, even if I'm surrounded by people all day long.
Not feeling myself. But not in a bad way. Just that I can't relate to the 'Old Me,' and although there's encouragement with change and personal growth, I miss the old me sometimes.
Old Me sometimes got very sad. New Me doesn't feel much at all. Is this a good thing? I don't know, I miss being sad but then excitably happy, I'm kind of in between, but yet content.
God writing this all down is meant to help me define everything, but it's not. It's confusing me even more.
Disorientation. OK maybe this will go as I settle into my new house, new job, new life, basically. But honestly, am I even in the same city anymore? What is going on, why do I feel so emotionally retarded?
Has everyone changed, or just me?
Why am I still in limbo with lots of things, but feel strong and good? But then, why do I still feel so...fragile too?
I also think coming back from a whirlwind overseas trip isn't helping. That I think is normal. But I just need clarity, not this funny haze.
Everything is elevated, like every little thing is under a microscope and I don't even have time to focus on or analyse Personal Me, now that Professional Me is all I am doing and throwing myself into...
What is going on? Please may it just come right soon.
Where am I exactly? What's crappening? I mean, I'm not exactly depressed. I'm just...I don't even fucking know. I think I might've even learnt too much in too short a space of time. About everything.
Does anyone relate, at all? Anyone?