Wednesday, June 11, 2008

hang on

Something's up.

It's been up for a while, but my therapist (And mates and family for that matter) seem to think it will resolve itself in good time.

Good time has passed. It's been a few months of this. Seriously, who has the time for more time?

I can't even describe it, it's a very strange feeling. And yes, it's significant to change (entire career change too – with my new job), various trauma and I suppose exhaustion of all the former, and yet, it's not a debilitating feeling.

Like, I'm functioning more than I'd ever function, like, ever.

If I were to describe the symptoms, it's difficult. Because they all completely contradict each other, and that's what's so fucking FRUSTRATING with the whole scenario. My therapist helped me with a lot of stuff a few months ago, but now, nothing but nothing helps, except to ride it out. And even then, will I ever feel the same?

The symptoms:

Complete detachment to the world somehow. But at the same time feeling at ease with it. Just detachment and isolation, even if I'm surrounded by people all day long.

Not feeling myself. But not in a bad way. Just that I can't relate to the 'Old Me,' and although there's encouragement with change and personal growth, I miss the old me sometimes.

Old Me sometimes got very sad. New Me doesn't feel much at all. Is this a good thing? I don't know, I miss being sad but then excitably happy, I'm kind of in between, but yet content.

God writing this all down is meant to help me define everything, but it's not. It's confusing me even more.

Disorientation. OK maybe this will go as I settle into my new house, new job, new life, basically. But honestly, am I even in the same city anymore? What is going on, why do I feel so emotionally retarded?

Has everyone changed, or just me?

Why am I still in limbo with lots of things, but feel strong and good? But then, why do I still feel so...fragile too?

I also think coming back from a whirlwind overseas trip isn't helping. That I think is normal. But I just need clarity, not this funny haze.

Everything is elevated, like every little thing is under a microscope and I don't even have time to focus on or analyse Personal Me, now that Professional Me is all I am doing and throwing myself into...

What is going on? Please may it just come right soon.

Where am I exactly? What's crappening? I mean, I'm not exactly depressed. I'm just...I don't even fucking know. I think I might've even learnt too much in too short a space of time. About everything.

Does anyone relate, at all? Anyone?


leez said...

I think that anyone can relate to that feeling of being disassociated with the reality around you.

When you define what exactly it is, tell us. Because I'd like to know too.

harold said...

dude! i had that ...e...well symptoms (?) a while back. new job, new house (new area), no more GF after 7 years (!)...

anyway, its just your brain dealing with all of that. 'The Change' (queue movie trailer narrator voice). just to listen to your heart and ignore the crazy in your noodle.

i am as happy as pig in sh!t although there is still a lot of crazy going on up there. just realize that the crazy will pass and that everybody around you will be a constant.

now pump some music really load and give the crazy the middle finger ! (and eat some cheesecake)

Peas on Toast said...

leez - No I don't think everyone actually can. Old Me certainly can't relate to New Me. And even if I was feeling detached and isolated, it didn't drone on and on for months.

This is definitely different from the usual.

Harold - heccctic dude, sounds a bit like my life. Even the relationship part. Thing is, and tell me - because you say 'follow my heart', but seriously, where is my heart even? I can't follow it when I don't even know where it is! As for my noggin, it's anyone's guess where the fuck that is - yet, as I said - somehow professionally, I seem to be functioning better than ever! God, tell me this passes - PLEASE. AND HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?


Nessers said...

I can totally relate Peas. For the better part of the last year I was going through a major thing and you do kind of seem to vies things from the outside eventually.

Living in limbo waiting for something, anything to happen to pull you towards who you remember being but are not quite sure how to get there.

Happy one moment, and depressed as all hell the next and then just as quickly not giving a shit.

Friends - surround yourself with people who are good for you and cut out the ones who aren't as much as you can is the only advice I can give. It kind of gets better in time but I am still waiting for me to feel totally like ME again

Tight hugs

c@th said...

Wow. Peas.


I don't know what they call it. But i get you. its that sense of disbelief that you get when things are going well. So different and good and well and expanding. And you realise it's YOU and old YOU is just a chattering memory.

And its good, but, its scary.

Hugging you tight.


Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - thanks so much babe. This is why I blogged about it (as well as trying to define what it is I'm really feeling!) You put it down so well - perhaps some sort of personal crisis even?

But knowing other people do experience it makes it better. Although, I feel totally alone in this boat.

C@th - thanks so much. As much as I don't want you, Nessers and Leez to feel what I'm feeling (or not feeling? Am I feeling at all? Or feeling too much? ARRRGH)I just sometimes need hugs.

Thanks for yours guys!

MsBehavn said...

Phew, how weird is it that we all seem to be going through the same stuff?!

I definitely think that part of my disconnectedness has to do with the major things that have happened to me and around me lately. I know you've been going through some of the same stuff. New job, moving - those are quite traumatic events even if you're not conscious of it at the time.

I'm sure you'll be able to sort it all out, Peas. In the meantime, blame it on the jetlag ;)

Peas on Toast said...

MsBehavn - thing is, I've been through shit before, that's for certain. And way worse shit than this - like everything has seemed to fall into place, but my heart/head/whatever it is this time round has been left behind.

Make sense?

Charmskool said...

Peas you've had so many changes, losses and gains, travel, moves highs and lows. Your mind just needs time to assimilate the details and work out where it stands in the midst of all that. I have experienced it and it passes. Let the feeling wash over you and deal with it like a skid in your car - steer when the wheels grip the road and don't slam on the brakes. Big hugs to you to help you through it.

Jam said...

I relate! I went through this too, and it does get better eventually. For me, it was about changing and growing. I was so familiar with my old way of doing things - and then some days I would look at myself and see that I was becoming more ME but not the ME I'd been carrying around for so long which wasn't a real ME at all. I described it as feeling like I was drifting out at sea, and my therapist pointed out to me that it was probably because I'd lost all my familiar landmarks, most of which were bad. The best thing to do is to sit through it, but also to pat yourself on the back every day - you've come so so so far, and that is something to be proud of. Acknowledge your successes!

noodle said...

Don't worry, you are making complete sense.

I think its pretty normal for peops our age, I call it the fog. And the fog WILL lift. Just don't let it get you down.

PiaG said...

think of it as the caterpillar in the cocoon. The caterpillar is changing into a butterfly, so he is a little detached and disoriented, wrapped up in himself. But also isolated from the rest of the world a little. But he is growing and evolving too. So it's all good.

This too shall pass. Go with it.

FiOnion said...

Holy Cow Ms Peas, I could have written this! In fact, all I could think of as I read it was "You too????"

I have defined it as "something is out there but I don't now what it is".

And yes, I have had far worse times of my life: more traumatic, more dramatic, more everything, but this one feels truly significant....

boldly benny said...

Hi Peas,

I can't say I know what you're feeling because what you feel is unique, but I can relate to having difficulty pinpointing exactly what is going on in your head. Last year I also had this unsettled feeling. I couldn't quite put my finger on it - this was so extreme that I couldn't even answer a casual, "How are you?" because I didn't really know what I was feeling.
There were times I wanted to sprint away from my mind and what I was thinking. There were other times when I didn't want anyone near me. There were times when I would go for lunch with my gals or family and feel lonely even though I had their unconditional love and support.
It was a difficult space to be in and even harder to try to make sense of. I ended up pushing everyone away because I felt so confused. Therapy helped, but I was still very disorientated. I just couldn't make sense of everything around me.
There could be so many reasons behind it - I won't try to give you a resolution, because it is a probably a path you are supposed to find yourself on to get where you want or need to be. And as annoying as this is to hear (it's even annoying to type), it's the truth. I have just gone through a whole phase of accepting myself and I was very confused, irritable and frustrated and my sister kept telling me I'm on this path for a reason - I wanted to beat her with her words, because this seems like a very long, ongoing path for me but it is a path I have to be on I guess. My theory is that hopefully I'll be happy with me by the time I'm 30 so I can stop having this fucking quarter life crises!
Bottom line, I'm wishing you lots of hugs and strength in wading through this - thankfully you have a therapist and great friends and family to guide you along the way.

Peas on Toast said...

Guys thanks you so so SO much. Yip, it could even be the big old quarter life crisis as Benny pointed out. And it is relieving to see that at one point or another, everyone has felt this way.

It's like many of us are bobbing around at sea, but all in individual boats. So you're alone in the boats/fog, but all drifting the same fucking ocean.

Thanks guys, honestly, I just can't put my finger on it - but it's not making me happy at all.

fuzzy logic said...

I've had the feeling myself before. I think part of it is getting ooooold. Meh.

Mini said...

Sweet Pea

Blah blah blah warawara....Sorry to say this but I read a few of the comments and they all seem to think that you are depressed.(Guys no offense but you are wrong!)

Infact you kinda took the words outa my mouth.I am feeling the exact same thing at this point in my life and believe you me it is anything but depression.I am totally content with my surroundings but there is a certain strangeness about it.Just dont know what it is!

harold said...

wow! it just goes to show that everyone is dealing with their own warped reality in a unique way. point is: we're all still here and just as insane as yesterday. maybe this is normal...or then, the new normal.

where is your heart: there where you sit still (imagine some personal zen surround) and you know the next thing you are going to do is the right thing to do

headbang to the silence. go forth and feel alone no more...hugs

Lofty said...

Hey peas

Been lurking around your blog for a few weeks now, and finally decided to make myself heard :)

I can relate so much, being in the same age group and going through similar major changes.

I think trying to put your finger on "it" is a futile exercise. Change has such a major effect on EVERYTHING, including sense of belonging, emotions, routine... and trying to intellectualize it just made me even more confused.

This might sound cheesy, but time DOES heal all. What helped me was to simply hang on, keep talking and writing about it, remind myself that change has adverse and NORMAL effects, have a housewarming, and before I knew it I was comfortable in my new skin! :)

Looking forward to hearing how this pans out for you!

Peas on Toast said...

Fuzzy - Did you say OLD??

Mini - yeah I tend to agree with you, I don't think I'm depressed. Just kind of empty, which isn't a bad thing - but just not...usual.

Harold - head bang into the silence - I like that!

Lofty - heya, and thanks for leaving a comment! And yes time certainly heals - hey 3 months of chnage has healed the sadness and rawness already. It's amazing I can even laugh after thinking I'd never laugh again. But it's now this uneasy uneasiness that's a little disconcerting :)

Revolving Credit said...

Yip, as BB put it, that's the quarter life crisis. Not sure if the term is crisis or if it's numbness.

I think we've all been thereor will get there, to some degree or the other.

I think that it's just the loss of innocence.
It's part of growing up.

Previously, you embarked on your initial career and post study life.
Thngs were grand, you learnt a lot, bumped your head a few times and carried on. You took responsibility for you life.

The realisation now though is that having taken responsibility, you have finally accepted responsibility. The difference is subtle yet distinct.

The weight is now on your shoulders, not you boyfriend's, not your sibling's, not your mom's, not your dad', not your teacher's, not your guru's, not anyone else's shoulders but your own.

You have taken and accepted responsibility for your own life. It's scary because now there is no-one else to blame for your mistakes.

The flip side though is that you have been liberated for now, for the first time in your life you are truly free, really independent.

This realisation will be a bit scary, you will approach/recognise/emabrace it with caution as the rules are changing, you now need to redefine them. It's a bit of a shock to the system and will take some getting used to.

The sense of detachment you feel is your mind dealing with it and working through these issues.

The good news is that you will resolve it and hopefully find yourself to be a more wholesome, balance person.

Oh, look (wipes tear from eye), our little Peas is all grown up.

Who's a big girl now??

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks my Revvie. That sounds just about on the button. I thought I'd already had my Quarter Life crisis after varsity, not now at the tender age of 27. It's such a frigging crazy time, and yet, I just can't relax! That's another problem - I always have to be doing something, so like you said, if the chips fall, they're totally my responsibility.

Did our parents go through this? Grandparents? Was it AS overwhelming?

Peas growing sounds!

Sunrise Chip n' Cheez said...

Hey Pea's, you know being a guy, makes me an emotionally retarded idiot, I accept, although much like you, I seemed to have lost the innocence of being invigorated by the "new", i seem to feel that nothing (NOTHING) can make me feel WOW. BUuuut, i push through, I enjoy, I make myself apprciate, basically I try...Is this normal, is this adult. Fuck, it sux assholes of assholes!

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - yes! Exactly!! Like nothing is making me go 'wow' (except for seeing new things overseas - that was wow and fun), but in general - no one or anything is making much of a difference!

Revolving Credit said...

Peas growing sounds!

Sounds like breast enhancement??

Peas on Toast said...

Or a tattoo? ;)

(What NOT to get in QLifeCrisis!)

Revolving Credit said...

or you've had a sex change?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - except I don't have a fun long dangly thing protruding from the nether regions. They forgot the main part!

Ches said...

Sounds like you're metamorphousising!?
Which is exercising change whithin a protective cocoon!

Soon, you'll be free and flapping around in a settled world of bliss :)

Peas on Toast said...

Peas is metamorphosising, good one Ches! :)

Hopefully from the constrictive silkworm to the cool moth that flies into lamps and shit :)

ha ha

Daisy said...

It has a name! It is called Saturn Returns even if you don't follow star signs and all that jazz just google it and you will be like WTF.

Revolving Credit said...

Let me scare you Peas!!

Next WOW may be marriage and/or kids.

Now go find some corner and cower in fear!


Peas on Toast said...

Daisy - Seriously? Can one planet wreak such havoc?

Rev - It scares me not dude. Why? That seems like the most unlikely thing for me to even ponder right now, I mean let's face it :)

However at the rate of people falling like flies at the moment with kids/weddings, it does make me a little nervous.

Revolving Credit said...

I so read that as Satin returns....hahaha.

Blame it all on your sexy new pajamas!!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev you mean those sexy Male Woolies pjs that I'm currently wearing now right? The ones with the frigging pee-hole?

(I'll be sexy when I leave my house)

Revolving Credit said...

You're wearing pajamas in the office?? Am I missing something??

PS. You haven't actually tried to use the pee-hole have you?

Peas on Toast said...

Not without a funnel I haven't!

Kidding kidding!...although...

Daisy said...

It's the truth - one little planet.

And apparently someone told me the other day that if you don't get it right the first time it only happens again sometime around your 58th birthday - oi vey.

Peas on Toast said...

OK Daisy so when I am about to retire the planet is going to come along and fuck it all up again? Grrreat :(

Ches said...

Imagine when Uranus returns! We'll all be doomed!

Revolving Credit said...

So it's gonna take Peas 31 years to learn to use the pee-hole properly?

Oi vey indeed!

Billy1177 said...

Am feeling where you are at in every way. Been there or there abouts twice in the last 10 years, sit tioght and hold on its lifes way of reprogramming you. It last for a year max.
Thats all i have.
If im wrong im sorry.

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - now imagine that! :)

Rev - It's ok, I can always borrow a funnel from one of my guy friends...

Billy - oh no, you as well? What's wrong with all of us? Is it a generation thing, or do you think we're zll just kind of...I don't know?
Thanks for the time limit, it's definitely what I needed to hear - a year max eh? So definitely less than 9 months to go!

daisyfae said...

yes. know this well. last year - right after the divorce, the cancer diagnosis, the marathon training, setting into a new position at work, dealing with both of my children moving out to go to university. um. yeah.

numbness, contentment, restlessness, overwhelmed, fear (no, terror)... and excitement. all at once. it gets better. patience. and remember to breathe. it helps. take time to regroup, go off the grid, or do whatever you need to do to reset your registers.

oh - and your future looks bright. better get shades! :-)

Peas on Toast said...

daisyfae - Hectic babe, that definitely gives me some perspective. Hells bells!

Thanks for your comment, and yes, it has got easier. It's just shaking it over time, and you can't rush time sadly :(

Leila Starfish Pan said...

Dear gods.

Peas. Quite often I read your blog and have a jolly good chuckle. Other times i read your blog and can only gape at how the universe works because its kind of cool that someone else is going through EXACTLY what i am. This was one of the latter occurrence things.

I have no words of comfort :P coz ...well yes everything you said in this post. but...yes.

thats all I have to say.


I suppose hang in there is what most people say.

Peas on Toast said...

Leila - Its such a serious comfort to know that I'm not alone dude, honestly. Not that I'd wish this on you, but it's good to know that I'm sort of half normal. Thanks dollface xx

Leila Starfish Pan said...

ut...doesnt it make u feel kind of ..well fuck that...because you arent the only person experiencing it too?

i know i do :P

but if not..glad u got some comfort

Leila Starfish Pan said...

on another note and yes its a bit of feeling sorry for myself and bit of being slightly pissed off at you.

you've got friends around you who care so with them.

i just moved to Dublin ...i dont and the only person who really gets me is in sa. and a part of me is going fuck you because of that :P and another part is trying it hardest not to cry right now. and then there the other bit going..nothing.

but nothing personal i promise. but you know that..i think. i probably shouldnt post this. but you made me all thinky. and ..snow ball. haha..sorry for taking over your comments :P

Peas on Toast said...

Leila - no absolutely, I hear you - being far away from home and not having familiar mates around you is tough as hell. And it takes serious time to adapt to a new place. You're a brave little one!

Leila Starfish Pan said...

People say that. It makes me scoff. so Scoff.

I really should not be responding :P

my point was: shut up and hang out with your friends! :P it wasnt sposed to be about me.



happy snapper said...

Oh yes, I can relate. In a big way.
There's definately no easy way to describe it or the feelings that have come from it.
How long does one have to wait anyway? I guess Im waiting to have an an a-ha moment (not the band kind) although that could be cool...
I think I wanna start a band. That'll change things.