Wednesday, June 18, 2008

rug[ger] bugger

So back onto Mission: Turning My House Into A Home II, I went and bought half a coffee table yesterday.

Half. I only own two legs.

(Well not entirely true – for it is a glass sensation! it's just a piece of bent glass basically. The top merges into a 90 degreed extended version of itself, hence no legs. Amazing. And to make the whole deal shweeter – it wasn't that expensive. In fact, rather flippen reasonable. Art I tell you.)

See? Am I not Miss Sensationally Sensible or what? I only bought half. AND I only get it at end August.

Bummer dude.

So I'm at Design Quarter for lunch with a male colleague, and:

Peas: 'Dude, that rug! Oh my aching testicle, I want, I have to have, I will probably [even think about] selling my body for that rug. In fact, is it even a rug – it looks more like Heaven to me.'

See, this is how I see it. A shag rug is not only called a shag rug because it's all furry and shit. It's a shag rug because you will have a 10 out of 10 shag on this baby. It's better than a Queensize. It's what lovemaking dreams are made of.

The thing looks like a slice of driven fucking snow. It's a systematic slice of Austrian outback.


It looks like powdery snowflakes that have all landed in a square shape. I dropped an ovary on ogling at this fine creation, and emitted much purring vernacular.

The one drawback? (Because the size was perfect too). It was white. It was a large, beautiful rug of Stain Magnetism.

That would set me back almost three grand.

That ching of the till might make me panic.

So I asked my mate: 'What do you reckon about this rug?'

'Dude, kiff rug. But let's assess this: you're gonna have to change your lifestyle. Someone will drop red wine on it, and suddenly the party will be over. And it'll be all, 'OK kids, party's over, WHO JUST SPILLED WINE ON MY THREE GRAND WHITE RUG? And then no one will ever come round again.'

He had a point, of course. Basically the rug will put a handbrake on my life. But I wouldn't need to buy the rug nappies or formula, would I? Would. I.

'Aw come on. Couldn't I position the rug in such a fashion that it would be mostly covered by the coffee table, so people wouldn't spill on it?'

Him: 'No. Because there is that moment before the wine hits the lips where most people spill or at least dribble it down their fronts.'

Someone I know bought a white winter coat at Top Shop for 80 quid a few years ago. The coat meant she couldn't eat for the rest of the month basically. But because it was her dream coat, she had to wear it everywhere, where it probably should've been kept for drinks in Knightsbridge. And in London, you don't wanna wear a white coat on the tube or on buses or in drinking holes.

But she did, she pursued and went forth in her orgasmic white winter accessory.

To find, after a night out at The Puzzle or such, a giant bootmark had left itself square in the middle of the back, and an artistic spray of Snakebite all over the collar and hem. Alas, she still had to wear the coat for an entire season.

Now yes, this is a similar situation. But, it's not like I'm going to be taking the rug out for a night on the town with me. It's not going to the Manwhore, and it's not travelling on trains with me.

However, I might have to roll it up when people come over for a few shnafties. That's a definite handbrake.

Now the sensible part of me reckons to get the boring red/muted colour rug from Boardmans. It's nice, it's a nice rug. I guess. I mean there's nothing wrong with it. But Jesus the Rockstar part of me is saying 'get the fucking cream rug, one day you'll shag on it and it's gonna feel good.'

The dilemma. Cream rug or red/muted rug?

PS: Another issue with the red is that it doesn't come all fluffy-like. Might as well shag on the bed.


Anonymous said...

definately the cream rug without a doubt. You are going to kick yourself one day when the oppportunity arises (excuse the pun) and you have to be dragged to the bedroom.

Peas on Toast said...

ontheverge - I like you. You can definitely stay. :)

I dreamt about the rug last night. And coupled with your frank answer, I'm leaning towards the Austrian snowflakey Heaven Mat.


Small Town Girl said...

Just put the rug in your bedroom. Good excuse to get a guy in there - 'hay, check out my rug...'

Peas on Toast said...

Small Town Girl - I must disagree: for one, if they're already in my house late at night, and the wine is going won't be hard to get them into my bedroom anyway. For two, if I'm gonna buy this rug, ($$$), I want it where everyone can see it - it's that beautiful. And for three, the shag aspect: the room has a bed, the lounge has a rug - this maximises the amount of rooms one can play the funky monkey in :)

I've thought this through :)

kyknoord said...

Another drawback: if the rug is too comfortable, your wine-drinking friends will be tempted to pass out on it. Not exactly aid to romance, that.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - ah god, then they'll never leave! Perhaps I can get a giant hairnet for it. You know, like those pool covers.

Nessers said...

Get the white rug and ban drinks with any colour in them from your house hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - ok but here's the thing, if I ban red wine, I have to ban sangria, cosmopolitans, gluhwein, cream soda punch...ok scratch the last's banned anyway :)

boldly benny said...

Sensible rugs are for grown ups - get the beautiful, fluffy rug!

I have a white coat and I LOVE it for all its impracticality!

Peas on Toast said...

Benny - oh my god, you'd LOVE my rug babe. My decision is leaning more and more towards getting this wonderful piece of woolliness.

I mean, I could literally use it as a blanket also. Was thinking I could wrap myself in this rug naked, and I'd be virtually intouchable.


Revolving Credit said...

Buy the rug and dye it yourself by getting in the bath with it and a box of red wine. If anyone is going to spill red wine on it, it's bets if it's you as you'll may shure that you spill it over the entire rug evenly.

Peas on Toast said...

Dude! That's such a great idea! Why don't I just dye it myself?? Oh my GOD, WHY didn't I think of this before?

I'm going to do some research. It's risky, but what's life without risks!

You're a genius my boy. A genius.

Lisa said...

Oh. My. LIVING. God.
I am fantasising about this rug riht now.
Is it ...a (spoken in a whisper) flokati?
Buy the rug buy the rug.
You must have the rug.
If worst comes to worst, you can hang it on the wall, like a '70s tapestry piece, then you an have furry sex up against the wall!
PS. Post pics of rug here!
Love ya

Mini said...

Light is out trust me you gona scream @ any1 that spills something....

I'd have to go with small town gal on this one:)...Invite me in coz I want an excuse to Shag!lol

Peas on Toast said...

HPF - dude, it's a crucible. It's a [hushed whisper] Flokati. But only better, because it looks like a snowflakey pearl. God I have to get around this somehow, I have to just somehow be able to justify this purchase piece, and a fall tapestry isn't a bad idea - when the folks come over, I'll whack it up onto the'll LOVE it. Oh my God, you'd love this baby.

Mini - small town girl, crap, that sounds like like handbrake of a bulldozer. Eeeek. No, but the thing is, this rug screams two things - and this is why I love it: it screams City Chic but ALSO farmhouse retro. It's the two of best worlds. It's like a freshly washed and preened sheep. The whole thing is one big cream sheep. God it's amazing.

Ches said...

The guy might not know what rug you're talking about!

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - well if when I'm pointing to it and he still doesn't know what I'm talking about (either or), then I shouldn't have taken him home to begin with :)

Ches said...

Ya, for sure...Its so lame having to point to it. I mean, are you going to be pointing the whole night?
I think the best rug is a warm rug, yet with a slight trim! No tassles! Hate tassles!

Peas on Toast said...

You'd be right Ches. And this rug has NO tassles baby. :)

Peas on Toast said...

OK guys I have a made a decision.

I am getting the rug.

My mate gave me more pyschological endightments to consider such as 'regression.' (Will take my mates across the road to Colony Arms in order to avoid the rug). However, this is how I'm gonna do it:

1) Rug will not be anywhere near where people stick their feet when they sit down.
2) Coffee table will be on the corner of the rug, such that spillage will hopefully occur on the wooden flooring, not the rug.
3) When lots of people come over, I will roll him up and put him away
4) I will get to shag on my rug one day.

It's a done deal. I'm going to get it this afternoon.

Jesus, this is hectic. Oh help me God, I'm buying an art piece.

Revolving Credit said...

Piece of art you say?
Do you normally buy art with the express purpose of bringing into close contact with your moist bits?

Kinda makes one wonder what you would want to do if you ever encountered a Faberge egg?

Does what qualify it as perfromance art?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - A Faberge Egg?? Hahahaha, when last did you see one of those - I know my gran has one...kinky :)

Art, as it is expressive, should enlighten those around it to be equally as expressive, dontchareckon? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

So by your definition, a glow in the dark dildo is a work of art?

It is expressive and enlightens!

Peas on Toast said...

Absolutely! 10 minutes until my credit card melts and I can encase myself in my new rug..Eeeeek! Buyers nerves buyers nerves!!

Revolving Credit said...

Wait til the credit card bill comes, then it may feel like someones pulled the rug out from under you!

You're so going to sleep on the rug tonite, aren't you??

SwissTwist said...

I, for one, can't wait to see this much talked about shag-rug!!! Pictures Peas, pictures.. with you seductively drapped in the shagginess of it all!!!

amanzimtoti said...

I had this neighbour who was inlove with his rug and used to roll it up whenever he got visitors. He wouldn't even let his wife touch it! Definately was NOT a shag rug ;)