Monday, July 21, 2008

holy dildo

Roared home on Friday feeling catatonic, hanging like a donkey's nutsack and almost wanting to burst into tears at the notion of being the President of Sex Club.

Being president of a sex club is the tits, but the hangover was obliterating my previously outrageous enthusiasm. I had one hour to pull myself together, before sex toy lady and 15 raucous mates came over, oh, and roll up my rug and hide him away.

Dressed up like a slapper and immediately felt better.

God I love dressing up like a tart. Stockings, heels, furry hand cuffs attached to a tiny skirt. The lady and mates came over, and she laid out about 16 types of plastic penis contraptions - all colours, sizes, motions...and we played Pass The Vibrator, and marveled at the The Dolphin's ability to vibrate in various frequencies, and the little rotating pearl thingies in The Rabbit.

We drank wine and vodka and talked female masturbation.
Chrysler, what bliss.

Then she bought out the lingerie and dress-up rack. People went ballistic. Trying on lingerie, modeling around in it, a police-woman's pleather outfit (with a free plastic gun! I loved that – a free gun and holster!) I found a nurses outfit and proceeded to stay in it until the next morning.

I have a French maid uniform already. It's time for my medical side to feel the fire with a nurse concoction, frankly.

We went out and with Guy I'm Having A Lot Of Fun With At The Moment – I stayed at his house, and awoke in my nurses outfit, to all his digs mates.

Nice. And it's not even my hen's party or nothing. People came up to us at the club and said the usual stuff like, 'Oh is someone getting married?'

Klo: No, no no-one's getting hitched here.
Dude: And the girl in the nurses outfit?
Klo: No, not even.
Dude: Is it her birthday?
Klo: No, not even.
Dude: So what's the occasion.
Klo: Because we fucking can.

Just a pity my nurse hat didn't sit erect on my head, and kind of flopped over to look like an eye patch most of the time. I just wanted to lumbar punch people.

Fuck it was fun. Too much fun, in fact.

And of course at the end, the lights came on and the bouncers escorted us out of there (not Mandog's – the other club). At 4:00am, we were there right till the end. I haven't done that in almost two years.

In the parking lot, the rest of the place and my mates are hooking up and I'm screaming across to a mate who was about to...head to the south for a napover and I just didn't think this was ideal, so I was in Fun Guy's car ska-reeeming like Will Ferrel...'SARAH.
FUCK!
GET. IN.
SARAH GET IN.
IN THE CAR NOW.'

While Klo is screaming the same thing from the other direction.

Then, Fun Guy and I pulled into the Engen garage so I could get a microwave macaroni meal. And realised, quickly and painfully mind you, I hadn't had a wee for about 5 hours. Suddenly it was epic, but there was no fine way in hell I'd be utilising the garage can. So I was hobbling around, clutching my huge bladder and Fun Guy had to pull me out of the veggie rack and smoothie refrigerator a few times. I had to wee so badly.

'Dude. FUCK. Stop going over the speed bumps like that. Do you want me to wee in your car? Do you?'

I then emptied my bladder for about 3 blissful hours once in the immediate proximity of a domestic toilet.

Seriously though, what fun. We bought so much sex stuff. A great kick off to Sex Club. Shit, can't wait for the next one.

Saturday I had no voice left. But saw Doc – yay my friend is back! - for a glass of wine, and sunglasses at night inside because I was not feeling good, not one little bit – then went home and slept for 14 solid hours.

Tell me: because I want to know – male doondies. OK, would guys ever wear normal flowing boxer shorts over their doondies as a compromise? I think it's a pretty fucking fair compromise – they get testicle support, and we don't have to see it.
Huh? HUH?

12 comments:

Mini said...

Boy does someone know how to have a blast!...Boy am I jealous

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - Boy am I on detox this week! Water and fruit.

What a wank.

But maybe I'll live to see another weekend like this one! :)

Mini said...

Talking bout detox,screw Kellogs All Bran flakes! I say try 5HTP from a pharmacy.It works wonders

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - what's 5HTP dear?

daisyfae said...

Toy parties rock! Did you know that you can race vibrators? The kind that have that "rotational" action can be dropped onto a table and will generally move forward...

i was the one organizing the 'rod race'. and organizing the wagering... big, big fun!

Peas on Toast said...

daisy = ahahahahahahahaha! Rod race??

Good God that's hilarious! Not to mention novel. I will put forward this idea for one of the Club activities. Rod races. We can hire out a sports club for the event.

Genius!

DT said...

‘I stayed at his house, and awoke in my nurses outfit’
Peas-waking up with the outfit still on – isn't’that contrary to the purpose of a nurses outfit? ;-)
Sounds like you had a blast!!! I cant wait for the next episode of the Sex Club!!

Peas on Toast said...

DT - yeah, probably. :)
But then again, I think the rectal thermometre might've had something to do with it.

Kidding :)

Lisa said...

so sorry i missed secks club lady! had every intention of joining the gals at that pit of a club, but wound up prioritising what turned into a snog and napover over gals gone wild!
bad me!
X
HPF

Peas on Toast said...

You mean you gave us bat because you came right? That's just not on. You mean you sacrificed a mere boy for the greatest x-rated club in the southern hemisphere??

Not. Cool.

Bad you. I'm only kidding of course - awesome you, HPF - now I need the details! Yay! xxx

Lisa said...

guilt guilt guilt!
bad meeeee.
sorry
*blush*
wanna see what you bought!

Peas on Toast said...

Lisa - it's in my car cubby hole.

Kidding, kidding.

Although, it IS under consideration.

;)