Friday, July 04, 2008

two things that...

...are widely applicable:

Don't you agree that music isn't music unless it's loud?

No seriously, there's no point listening to Kaos' Pimpin' All Over The World when it's at low volume. Music just sounds better when it's loud. So those people who travel in my car, and if they like turning the fucking volume button down when all I want to experience is Music Extreme, is probably not going to like the journey.

I'm just saying.

And I think I'm going to need an amp in my boot.

I'm just saying.

One day I'll even get tinted windows and mags.

Point two: (This is the height of neuroticism, be warned)

OK, so I'm terrified of water. Never been one of those water babies that spend ample amounts of time submerged. I belong in Binnelanders. At the beach, I go waist deep and kind of splash about, ensuring that there is a large Buffet Line in front of me. The sharks will eat those people first.

Anything about water is terrifying. As terrestrial beings, I don't think it's natural for humans to even be in the ocean, ok. I have huge respect for the sea, because frankly, it's a fucking dangerous piece of non-turf.

Waves can kill people if they try hard enough.

Kelp. That stuff is crazy ok. It's long and it hides things and it's just a little bit demented.

I needn't explain. It's not as bad as snakes, but dude. The Zambezi Shark has the most testosterone out of any living thing on this planet in its body.


That makes it a slightly aggressive creature that chows you just because it can. At least the Great White eats when it's hungry.

This thing eats because it's bored.

And. It swims up rivers. That makes it's danger over-compensatable.

But water. Scuba divers who go down with pressurised oxygen in a puny little tank, they dive down 40 metres. This is not natural. Does this seem natural to you?

Christ, there's 40 metres of water above their heads. That water is claustrophobic, dark, turbulent, scary and filled with lots of creatures.

I'll snorkel, but then I need a dive buddy for that. I'll stick to someone like glue and lark about the shallow coral. I love it, but I have to talk and sing to myself while I gaze at colourful sea life to calm myself the fuck down.

Once saw a sea snake in Thailand. I immediately walked on water. It was a nightmare turned miracle. The press should've written about it.

As a kid: Kreepy Krauly's. OK, I had nightmares about that apparatus. It would suck my toe up and it always made that horrible pulse noise that sounds ominous. Even now.
I won't swim near a Kreepy Krauly. It's like swimming with a water vacuum cleaner. It's just not right.

But, having said that, and although I usually take on water with a respectful, challenging stance, I do like swimming. In a safe, clear environment.

But moreover, bathing. Nothing is more therapeutic in this world than a good old fashioned soak in the tub. Dove can second me, she had insomnia until she started bathing before bed.

One of life's simplest, yet greatest pleasures in life is A Bath Tub. I start looking forward to my customary bath at around 3:00pm. By the time I get home, I throw clothes off with reckless abandon and hit the tub in an excitable frenzy.

My new bath tub is not very long. It's swanky in that it has a kiff pop up plug and a hair rinser that kind of chills on the side. No jets, but a nice bath. I can also change the taps with my toe very easily.

But it comes short with the length. One needs a big bath. I have to stick my feet over the edge. All very Victorian and Lux Advert, but not quite...completely satisfying. Any suggestions?


The Blonde Blogshell said...

Peas! Seriously!! I am SO GLAD you raised this! I thought I was the only one!

I am P E T R I F I E D of the ocean and large masses of water. I know it has something to do with the fact that I came close to drowning in St. Francis Bay when I was 12. If I go to deep into the ocean (thanks to the relieable current) I'm the crazy girl CRYING AND SHAKING!
Seaweed sucks, dude. SUCKS...ok, it doesn't but there are other creatures that DO and I don't want to know about them!
Blue bottles are terrifying and Scuba diving is NOT NATURAL!!

YAY!! I have discovered one thing: I am not alone.
I am either a) not alone in fear of water
or b) not alone in being crazy!

AWESOME! Have a great weekend and sorry for my comment that is looking closely like an essay~!!

Peas on Toast said...

Blogshell - hells bells sistah, I am glad I'm not alone. In being both crazy and petrified of water :)

Dude I hear you - I almost drowned in New Zealand when a wave dunked me on my, erm, boogie board, and the chord wrapped around my neck. I was maybe under the water for 20 seconds, but china it seemed like a lifetime. It was a watery hell.

So glad you can relate my dear, people think I'm this neurotic water weirdo (which I am, fair enough), but so glad you know what I'm talking about, you have no idea!

catwoman said...

Oh my god am i glad i am not alone! i was beginning to think i had some birth defect! I have all my life been afraid of water ... i think i have maybe been close to the sea .... twice. I prefer the spectator seat.Jaws set me over the edge!!! I NEVER leave the steps in the swimming pool. My friends think i am demented, recommend a counseling session with professional. Now for the big confession. I am not able to even fly over water! yes it took me many many canceled trips to eventually fly over the ocean! i had to be intoxicated before i could get on the plane! I had to sit in the middle isles as i couldn't bear look out the window and see the sea under me! Yes i know ... i have to maybe take a trip to the professional everybody thinks i need..

Thanks for raising this issue... i no longer feel alone.

Oh and yes i agree scuba diving is definitely not natural.

oh ... this felt like a counseling session...

Peas on Toast said...

catwoman - woah, shame my dear that is indeed hectic! Especially the flying over water stuff. Thanks to that Tom Hanks Castaway movie, over-water flying can be extremely uncomfortable. Shame doll, did anything happen or has this been a phobia from the word go? Dude, scuba diving would be the end of me.
I'd panic so badly, get the bends and then die. I just know it. xx

Charmskool said...

I am so with you on both these things - some mornings I get in my car and the music is so loud from the drive home the night before that my heartbeat goes all funny.
As for water - I am terrified of water, especially if I can't feel the bottom with my feet or my face is in it. I was washed out to sea at Clifton when I was a small kidlet and almost drowned so even the thought of swimming in the sea makes me want to cry. I stay in the shallows and do the old lady dip thing - embarassing but too bad.

Jam said...

Hehe. It's also dreams about water. Awful dark creepy water.

Actually, I used to be completely phobic about being in the ocean, and then I learnt to dive. I also happened to be claustraphobic at the time...weirdly enough, I was neither scared nor claustraphobic once under the water with my little oxygen tank. There's so much to look at! And it completely opens your world up. You know what's in the sky, you know what's on the ground...suddenly you realise there is another unique, beautiful layer to the world.

I'm still not good on boats though...

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - wow, so this water phobic thing isn't that rare, hell I'm chuffed about that! Being washed out to see at CLIFTON must be terrifying:
1) Great white sharks
2) Kelp forests arrrrgh
3) Freezing your ovaries off

Shame my dear, that's pretty traumatic!

Jam - I've heard that from avid scuba divers as well - they say once you're under, it's actually quite peaceful and calm. I cannot rely on myself to remain that way though. I don't trust myself not panic, inhale 40 metres of water and die.

Oh and the water dreams! Any turbulent part of my life, I dream of raging typhoon-like, shark infested, dark scary water. Usually I'm in the thick of it. Wake up sweating. Not cool at all.

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills said...

kreepy krawlies scared the bejayziz out of me as a kid. in fact they still do. i will remove that fucker from the pool and put it on the side where i can see it while i am swimming.

and that throbbing noise it makes while it's working? i refuse to put my head underwater while that is going on.

uh uh, no thanks.

Peas on Toast said...

Cheap Thrills - I am with you ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Mkae that one million to infinity percent.

That ominous pulsing underwater is the soundtrack to a horror movie. It's the sound just before the climax, where the Kreepy Krauly jumps out of the water and starts sucking/eating my face.

I either swim when its off, or take it out.

Gold digger said...

Diving is really cool. And actually the 40m thing is very advanced diving, most n00bs don't go below 18. My record is 54m under serious supervision and spare air and stuff. But the thrill comes from knowing you're somewhere you have no business being. It's like being on a game drive, underwater. Generally though, I have great respect for the ocean and the knowledge that it can squash me like a bug.

Peas on Toast said...

Gold Digger - utmost respect to you china. The great thing about scuba diving is that I don't need to go down under to experience it - I can read about and derive a pleasurable experience through photos. ;)


However: My record is 54m under serious supervision and spare air and stuff

Dude, this record stuff is just way too gung ho for me. Why? Why 54 metres, when you can see kiff stuff at 40 metres? It's like you adrenaline junkies are playing Russian Roulette with your oxygen tanks!

Gold digger said...

The 54M was just for the sake of it. It was part of our master diver certification and our instructor is a qualified tri-mix diver, so he thought it would be good for us to experience it. It was in-land in a quarry, so there wasn't even that much to see. And besides, I'm the only chick I know that's done it :-D

Peas on Toast said...

Serious Kudos Gold digger. Was the sun even penetratable at that level? Did you do it that Bass Lake place? Cos diving in a quarry, even at 2 metres would scare me out so hectically I'd need therapy after that.

Spectacles said...

I had a nightmare at the age of 6 that Kreepy Kraulies took over the world.. Been shit-scared ever since.. People just think its weird lol! And yeah.. Scuba diving.. My ex tried to convince me.. But no ways..

Peas on Toast said...

Spectacles - yeah Prince William can try and convince me to bang on a wetsuit and puny gas tank and I'd tell him where to shove it, believe you me.

Kreepy Kraulies taking over the world! I'd propose a movie starring Tom Cruise, but that shit would be FUCKED. UP. I'd die just watching it.

Aunty Helpful Dictator said...

Excuse my ignorance but what are Kreepy Kraulies?

For the record I'm one of these "not afraid of water" people, but when I'm teaching people to swim I'm all about how fear of water is natural and good, because it stops you being careless in what is really a dangerous situation.

I am, however, fucking terrified of sharks. I can't believe I managed to talk myself into snorkelling in the caribbean where sharks might actually have been. There are thankfully no man-eating sharks around irish coastal waters - just basking sharks, which I think would freak me out if I sae one anyway - but there is lots of icky seaweed, which I refuse to swim near... and jellyfish, which are gross!

And don't get me started on crabs *shudder*

Peas on Toast said...

Aunty - The Kreepy Krauly is this pool vaccuum cleaner basically, cleans the stray detritus from pool bottoms. It is manufactured and patented in South Africa, and is lauded as one of our 'most amazing local inventions.'

The brunt of my bad dreams, more like it.

Now if only I could believe water is natural and stuff - only when I'm in the bath tub. Now THAT shit is beautiful. I can completely love water when it's in the safe environment of a bath tub.

PS: Crabs - on the ocean floor or in the pubic region - NEVER a good thing.

Mel said...

I have always has this theory that if you're in a swimming pool, you can still swim to the side. If you're in a dam, it'll be a long swim, but you could still make it to the side. In the ocean you're just screwed... And I'm short so anything deeper than knees is NOT cool... Besides, you can't really swim in the sea unless you're a diver - the idea of just standing there letting waves hit you seems a bit random... Good thing I live in Cape Town - too freaking cold anyway! Oh - and what do you think ships do with their sewage etc? Ewwww...

Peas on Toast said...

Ships and their sewage, shit Mel, I haven't really thought about that - whale food plankton? ;)

Yes I agree about the side. As long as you have one arm firmly on the Earth and you're holding onto something tangible instead of just bobbing about, then it's cool. The ocean though has this annoying disposition when it comes to rock placement. And you can NEVER hang on - what with the barnacles and slimy shit going on...

Champagne Heathen said...

If you REALLY want to be scared of water... visit those Turkish Baths. So gross, yet you just gotta get in with 1000 other folk and chill and hope you are not catching any weird foreign diseases!! (What makes you think I was in Budapest but 2 days ago! he he he!)

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah duuuude, how was your holiday!? And I must say, I'd never put foot in a Turkish bath unless I'd imbibed whoring amounts of alcohol that impaired my judgment.

Champagne Heathen said...

It also took forever to coax me to the baths, and then it was "just to see, but take your bikini with you in case..." Next thing I was wallowing in dodgy "thermal" water with the masses - but never stopped laughing at it all.

Note: Budapestians don't find various water temperatures & water jets quite as amusing as I do!

Holiday was incredible wonderful amazing. Have no voice or energy but have quick ass tan & lots of beer/ sea food pizza fat. AND I have a deadline for end of today's work!!!! Bluddy hell!!

Good to see you've been holding down the fort well here!

Nessers said...

I have to disagree on the whole soaking in the bath thing - I hate it. With long hair your head sweats and I get so bored.

Give me a long shower and I am the happiest person in the planet - I can stand under a shower till the water runs cold (my record is 30 minutes at the Palace at Sun City)

The whole underwater thing - I agree - it is NOT NATURAL for humans to go underwater - we have lungs and noses not gills - I panic on land if one nostril gets blocked if I could not use two I would be clawing at my chest to get free - okay I am done ranting now hehehe

zuzula said...

I'm a shower person too... but I LOVE the water! I swear my happiness levels soar the closer I get to the stuff. Sorry! (although i did once get terrified of kelp when i was younger. that's seriously ugly stuff, agreed)

po said...

Generally i love swimming, although, i do enjoy being able to see the bottom of what i am swimming in, so i know there is nothing creepy underneath me.

I did occasionally freak myself out in my pool as a kid by randomly imagining there was a shark in the pool, and kind of half believing it was possible. Keep toes to chest!

Carlz said...

thanks for freaking me out 3 weeks before my DIVING trip in Egypt - grrrr!!!!

happy snapper said...

I hate creepy crawlies aswell. They freak me out like manic.

As for the bathing dilema, I am more of a shower girl myself. Infact, I cant remember the last time I bathed? that would sound gross if I didnt shower daily, but I do, so fret not.
You could always try crossing your legs in the bath? Could be fairly uncomfortable, although total submersion could be..warm. Its either that, or chopping your legs off at the knees. but purely for bathing pleasure, I dont think the sacrifice is worth it. Use it, dont use it....