Monday, August 18, 2008

doing my bit for balance

Well I certainly made up for the time I have been spending out of the loop in the office and elsewhere.

Tits on a bitch.

After chilling with Dove and then watching a spot of rugga with Doc and Moogs, I took Moogs with me to a mate's birthday braai.

We went absolutely bananas.

Extremely badly behaved. I took obnoxious to new levels this weekend. The braai got characteristically debaucherous, and someone called Colony.

Fuck, NOT AGAIN. Again though.

Arrived and some dude bumped me. I always get super stoked when I'm bumped, and this moment was especially wonderful – so I sorted him out.

By dumping my full glass of John Deere all over his head.

I poured a drink on a stranger's head. While he was snogging someone, fuck. I can't remember what happened next, but I don't think he punched me. I have no evidence to suggest he did. So I even got away with it. Somehow.

Went a bit nuts, all of us. Moogs was breakdancing to Mandoza on the Colony floor (and probably picked up syphilis), and I decided to make a fat dude's evening by fondling his backside. I don't know why I did this, when I could've fondled ass that I might've actually enjoyed fondling.

Fat guy then swept me up and swung me around, and the next day I could hardly walk. Pilates has been less taxing on my hamstrings.

Moogs had to kip on my couch, because he were both so wasted – I just face planted, wearing one heel, to bed.

I even managed a small stint of Polo on Sunday. Those poor horses, someone get the buggers an oat bag.
Made a few friends though. Hate making new friends at random events, hate it. Too fun, as always. Exchanging numbers, chirps and how great it is to be obnoxious. One chap told me a story about a chav he met in the UK called Chardonnay.

Get. Out.

Chardonnay. It's better than the chav I met called Chevrolet. Fuck!
Making friends, I even managed to drink a small glass of wine and smash a hot sausage in my face.

The weekend was like one long fucking music video. One which should be played when one is 23, maybe. But hell, it was nice to jam with me brethren all weekend. Work hard all week; play harder all weekend.

One must always be balanced, see.

PS: Got a call from my recently-engaged friendy, E, who lives in Egypt. Last night she asked me to be a bridesmaid when they get married in March. How much fun! Am so honoured and excited, and can't wait to help whoreganise the best hen's party evah.


kyknoord said...

God, I feel so old.

Peas on Toast said...

Well let's feel old together big guy.
Cos this weekend aged me by 5 extra years.

Billy1177 said...

I tore the ass out of Cape Town on Saturday night. Im sorry Cape Town. Realy sorry.

Im not sure i want to show my face there for a while.

Billy1177 said...
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Mini said...

"I see you baby fondling some ass!"

Atleast you made some dudes I wonder if he cud remember it)


Peas on Toast said...

Billy - nice one bugger! You watch the [horrendous] rugby match live?

Ag and Cape Town loves that sort of ass tearing. Let's face it :)

Mini - I highly doubt it. The great thing about Colon is that no one has a memory. There are no rules. So loser's complex is wasted. Thank heavens. ;)

Jam said...

Oops...missed you at the Polo.

Miss T said...

You probably made the guy's year! I did the complete opposite this saturday. When the extremely drunk under-washed guy tried to chat to me in the club I just spoke Afrikaans and pretended I didn't know any English.

Jam said...

(and PS, how I've always wished to pour a drink over some irritating bumping moron in a crowded bar / club)

Peas on Toast said...

Jammie! Can't believe you were at the polo! I was there for maybe an hour or two (main match), sipping on a Red Ambulance and kind of meandering around in a hungovered dwaal. Can't believe I poured cane and cream soda over someone's head - what a rude bitch. God it felt good. :)

Miss T - now THAT'S what I should've done. That's how it should be done. God, I lost all my pride and dignity on Saturday. It'll take a full week to get back, I tell ya.

Billy1177 said...

"Watch" is relatively over stating what i did but yes, that was why we were there. Got a little messy a little early in all the excitement on Saturday and ended up under the grandstand in a horrid canteen/bar after 15 minutes in the R425 seats. Managed to drink myself in to a complete stupour and do a combination of some of the most embarising things ever all in one night. The flight back was a cracker! LS and a hangover with 2 hours to think, lovely...

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Billy, what a little knee slapper indeed! Look I'm just glad I have someone to share an LC with. I thought about streaking across the polo field yesterday, because frnkly, THAT would be less embarrassing than my Saturday night.

How's this Monday hey. Ouch :(

The Divine Miss M said...

Wow. Lekker weekend.

I made friends with a random at the bus stop on Sat night drunkenly discussing how expensive condoms are in the UK.

I am convinced that is why there are so many teenage pregnancies in England - they can't afford the condoms.

It's like

Honey, it is either dinner or sex tonight, we can't afford both.

Sorry no sex tonight, I'm too broke to buy condoms.

Peas on Toast said...

Nice one Miss M! Bus stop mates are they greatest innit?

And the condom convo would probably go as such:

'Chardonnay, my love, we can't shag tonight innit.'

'But Chevrolet, I got us the Burger King special!'

Billy1177 said...

Moday delux! What im doing at work today is technically theft. It may be a salary but for what im capable of completing today im stealing my own salary.

Peas on Toast said...

Technically theft..or technically HALF theft? Pure theft would be taking a sick day. :)

Vendetta said...

Chardonnay, love it! The ultimate in chav. Although I do have a soft spot for Crystelle.

Peas on Toast said...

Vendetta - Crystelle? What a peach!

'Meet my kids - Chardonnay, Charade, Chevrolet and....Nissan.'

Daedalus said...

Elooooo Ertjie - D is back! xD

Peas on Toast said...

D-GUY! No ways boet, howzzzit! It's been an age! How the heck have you been? Glad to hear you're back, it's been far too long!

Billy1177 said...

You are right! Half theft means my LS can be halved. Sweet.

Billy1177 said...
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Peas on Toast said...

Billy - Ed Zachery. Look at it as the glass is AT LEAST half full :) Hope you feel better dude!

The Divine Miss M said...


True innit mate?

Burger King - The Meal of Chavs Everywhere

Daedalus said...

Yup far too long .. will be popping in here from time to time :D Things are going great ;) Glad to see you're still blogging :)

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - and always remember: Just because I work at MacDonalds, doesn't make me a chav :)

D-Guy - you too! Just popped into Ostendo to check you out! Glad to hear things are well your side dude!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

"I even managed to drink a small glass of wine and smash a hot sausage in my face."
AFTER fondling some fat guys ass...DUDE!!
Look up "Debauchery" in the dictionary and there is Pea's photo
Niiice :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - My loser's complex has just manifested into something epic.

I'm going to eat some sticky toffee pudding, this is an emergency.

JL said...

In my head I was like "I like that Peas fondled fatman's butt - that's altruism people". Shitty week all around at least snoggy-dood gets to make snog to snoggy-whore - but fatman doesn't get anything. Now he has Peas' handprint on his ass... you're too good Peas. Let's start a charity - the Peas on Fat ASS make-people-feel-good foundation. We won't charge because that's illegal. Unless we operate from Amsterdam.

Peas on Toast said...

JL - You're on. Profits 50/50 down the middle, including benefits?

JL said...

50/50 including dental and petrol because we run a visitation service. Because we have to. Because some of the asses are fat because the legs beneath them don't get used. We're really like doctors if you think about it.