Thursday, July 31, 2008

no more thumbprint

And in other strange coincidences:

See what happens when someone like me tries to be domestic?
Took a chunk of skin out of my fucking thumb. My right-hand thumb; the thumb with which I write, wank, brush my hair.

Whilst unfolding the laundry line.

The legs came together around my fingers basically, pinching off half my thumb. You know when pieces of your flesh get cut off and you don't scream and pass out like you think you would, but instead kind of stare at it in wonder? Then scream and pass out?


I wedged the perfectly clean cut, round coin-shaped piece of skin that had been cut the fuck out, into the hole that was now my pre-existing thumbprint. And cried like a guy. (Guys cry when they're sick.) The pain.

I mean, I'd just passed an important exam for work and came home in high spirits to hang my fucking whites.

There was little blood, because it was a clean-cut chunk of thumb, ok.

But my worry is:
1) Will I get tetanus
2) Will I get gangrene
3) How do you know when the tetanus kicks in? Because with lockjaw you can't really talk
4) How will I know if my thumb is about to fall off? I can't feel it, except for a distant and dull fuck-off throbbing every now and then.
5) Can I die of tetanus
6) Can I die of gangrene
7) Will I lose my thumb
8) Feel dumb going to a doctor, because I only go to doctors if my arm is falling off and trailing behind me
9) Guy I'm Having Fun With says that because my laundry line is sprayed with white epoxy the tetanus shouldn't kick in
10) But Guy I'm Having Fun With also says that if he was in Vietnam he'd probably say the same thing to a dude whose legs had just been blown off
11) Wrapped my thumb with toilet paper (Two Ply) and duct tape, will this make it worse
12) Will I, on losing my fucking right-handed thumb have to revert back to the time where I played the Killers over and over and never leave my house and ask Sandton Pet Store to deliver me my 8 cats
13) And following on from that live a life as a recluse
14) Or get a prosthetic thumb
15) Or become an ape
16) I am typing with my two index fingers
17) My thumbprint is ruined, tacked together by me. Home Affairs won't recognise this shit
18) Will I die

Panic.

Phone Doctor Friend.

She said I won't die or lose my thumb. She said I must hold said thumb up in air as much as possible because the nerve endings in my thumb are making it hurt like a motherbitch.
Hold in air and let it drain.

Fine.

And when I'm sleeping?

Fun Guy bought round Flight Of The Conchords last night. My God it's brilliant. Two Kiwis trying to make it big band-wise in the States, with one crazy fan. Just watch it. Seriously.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lol must give you props for typing all that out with half a thumb on one hand, I have some plasticene at home let me know if you want me to build you a new and improved thumb, you even get to pick the colour.
Don't think you'll get tetanus, relax, drink alot of strong alcohol to kill any germs that may have crept in and pour some over the thumb too, omg my advice is so good I should charge. sorry that's all :P i'm gonna guess the chunk will regenerate itself.
And congrats on your work exam.

-Chan.

Peas on Toast said...

Chan - oh yes please, please make me a Wallace & Gromit thumb babe, and also do you think if I do die, I'll die tomorrow rather? Dying on a Friday seems much better than a Thursday somehow.

Thanks for the advice :)

Elle said...

Peas, I cut off half my thumb all the time. it's called being sloppy with a knife. however, ducktape and two ply tissue?? I am sending you a box of medicated band-aids I am concerned.

well done on work exam front!!!

PS - laundromat...

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - yeah, I too have been careless with butcher knives and such. Totally. But that's child play in comparison to what the laundry line mangled last night china.

But yes Band Aids would be nice, please send me some! I don't own medical shit. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, don't sadly don't :(

kyknoord said...

Ouch.
On the plus side, your career as a master criminal or MIB agent can finally commence.

KaB said...

On the plus side...at least you still have your left hand thumb...thank god for that...I don't know what we would have done!

It'll heal sweet cheeks...just ask Fun Guy (is he Whale?) to suck it seductively while holding it straight up in the air to allow for drainage...maximum pleasure (wtf) with a bit of M&S thrown in there...hot...so fucking hot right now!

KaB said...

I mean S&M...christ...just got back from London & a department store is taking over my dirty thoughts...fuckity fuck!

KaB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - it's all part of my cunning plan. I want to be part of George's and Brad's team where we bust open casinos and drive around in fast cars looking hot.

Kab - haha, no Fun Guy isn't Whale :) But yes it will heal, and although being over-dramatic is so passe, one has to ponder the possibilities of death every now and then. Like forced philosophising ;)

Oh and WHICH DEPARTMENT STORE IN LONDRES, God I bought so many clothes when I was there, I completely understand. Now tell me, TELL AUNTY PEAS!

MsBehavn said...

OW! Just reading that made my thumb ache, Peas. I think the lesson in there is that someone else should be doing your laundry. Someone who doesn't need a prosthetic thumb, for instance. Perhaps Guy You're Having Fun With is up to date with his tetanus shots and can be convinced that it'd be a really "nice" thing to do?!

Oh, and congrats on passing your exam!

Nessers said...

and in steos me with the mom comments. Please tell me you have bactorban on it and you are keeping it wrapped up or really nasty germs will get in there. Also get a tetanus injection if you have not had one in the last 10 years - your doctor friend should have told you that - OUCH

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks MsBehavn! What a relief I passed, especially before my thumb was inconveniently mangled.

Do you think he'd wash my car too? ;)

Nessers - yip she asked if I'd had a tetanus jab and I remember having one when I was a lightie. She said though that one usually only gets tetanus through rusty nails/fences and the like...and so far my jaw is in mint talking condition, so I'm hoping that maybe I won't die of lockjaw/gangrene/trench thumb.

Mini said...

Schweeet Pea

I find it fascinating that you address this guy as "Guy am having fun with"

Well he is your BF and you should address him as such.

Now dont go all defensive on me!
Mwah!

Flameboy said...

The Conchords ROCK!!! Nothing quite like a spontaneous song and dance routine to spice up... well, anything really. And they have the best lyrics too.

You’re so beautiful
You could be a waitress
You’re so beautiful
You could be an air hostess in the ‘60’s
You’re so beautiful
You could be a part-time model

Ha haa.... good luck with that thumb.

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - nope, honestly he's the Oke I'm Having Fun With.

Can't tie me down boy. Can't tie me down, metaphorically anyway.

But physically, yes you can.

MINI - You’re so beautiful
You could be a waitress
You’re so beautiful
You could be an air hostess in the ‘60’s
You’re so beautiful
You could be a part-time model

dUDE i WAS ALUGHING so much DURING THIS, IT WAS AS THOUGH i HAD AN INFLAMMATION IN MY TEAR DUCTS, ALTHOUGH i WASN'T CRYING, IT JUST RAINED ON MY FACE.

Oops caps.

Jam said...

Oh dear.
Ask HPF what happened when she tried to be domestic. Something about glasses and stitches.
No, you shouldn't get tetanus, but you're really stuffed if the world turns towards thumb print readers...
;-)

Nessers said...

Could you all stop talking about being tied down - its been too long now shees hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Oops, sorry I was meant to address the Conchords comment to Flameboy. Sorry guy ;)

Jam - yeesh, glasses and stitching? Methinks me and HPF need on-call butlers. Dude thumbprint monitors are taking over the world! I'll never be able to enter banks and airports again! :(

Nessers - I must tell you about my new vibrator sometime. China, you'll never, EVER look back.

Charmskool said...

Ewww I feel a bit nauseous just reading the description. I had a bad experience with some kitchen scissors and a pack of black bags; Bete came into the kitchen and found me slumped on the floor in a dead faint with blood all over my wrist. She joined me in the faint on the floor - she thought I'd blown committing suicide. I needed three stitches!!!!! Moral of the story (my story) don't use sharp implements before breakfast!

flameboy said...

These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagne
For one

Ha haa...
Sorry. I seldom do this so please bear with me through my few seconds of fame. I could quote Conchords the whole day... but I’m not gonna. Keep on watching, it only gets better. Sadly there are only 12 episodes. :(

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - oooh hectic, woah...woah woah...well I'm glad they found you doll before you bled to death...fuck. Not keen on using knives, like, ever again.

Flameboy - you read my mind. The lasagna line is CLASSIC. I've only seen 5 of the 12 episodes, could only fit that into one night. God, it's beautiful.
'But we wanted to look like Daft Punk...'

DT said...

Owwww Peas that is awful, I will never take my beautiful and whole thumb for granted ever again!!!
Congrats on your exam and I wish you a speedy recovery!!

Lisa said...

hey babe.
so now we'll both have right hand scars? don't worry, guys dig it! ;-)
it makes us all hardcore-like.
i attempted mammoth dishwashing a few months back and rammed my hand on my flatmate' ritzenhof....resulting in trip to the emergency room and 10 stitches..i still haz sore paw sometimes.
it'll get better.
xxx
hpf

Peas on Toast said...

DT - thanks my dear! :) xx

HPF - oh my god. A Ritzenhof? Dude that is epic, ouch ouch ouch! My hand is throbbing in empathy babe xx

Anonymous said...

When I was young I had a wart on my thumb for ages and all my fingerprints had this cool UFO shaped thing on them.

Something to look forward to.

"For your information
theres an inflammation
in my tear gland "

- Tea.

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Tea!

Ooh, and now? You got your wart removed right? Is there a little blank hole where it used to be?

I had a wart on my knee once. Yves St Le Wart was very much a part of me.

Until I burned him off with acid.

Anonymous said...

Ur question got me looking at my thumbs and to my shock it seems the skin has healed perfectly (it was a while ago) with NO visible alterations to the print. Its kinda fuckin with my mind. How insane is the human body?

Apparently u need to like cut off basically a huge chunk of your whole tip to damage the print permanently.

I also had a close friend on me knee for several years.....

-Tea

Ordinarylife said...

Peas, it’s the whole domesticity thing. It is VERY bad for you!

And here you were worried about getting red wine on your flokati. Keep that draining finger well away.

Nessers said...

get a dishwasher ladies preferably one that wears a loin cloth but short of that get a mechanical one - they save precious digits for more important uses than doing dishes - tell me more about the new vibrator then grin - cos the way I am going I am not going to have a shag for ages *sigh*

Peas on Toast said...

Interesting, thanks Tea, I'll definitely take a looksie!

OrdinaryLife - Oh man, now that would be worth crying like a man about: red wine on the Flokati. Shew.

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - in short time my friend, you'll know EXACTLY what this vibrator is all about...and you'll never look at dish washing the same ever again.

Idle Layabout said...

A buddy of mine dropped a rock on his forefinger, bursting it open like a vienna sausage and crushing the bone. Took 3 months but it's 99% fixed, so yeah, I'm pretty sure you'll be fine. In the meantime just drink lots and use your other thumb.

Peas on Toast said...

Idle - OH my GAD.

OK, I think I just lost my lunch. Fucccccck.

However, biggie up to the surgeon's who reconstructed the mangled finger... and the anaethetists who managed to ensure he didn't feel it for a while.

Heccctic.

leez said...

Ouch and EEUUWW!!!

Vendetta said...

Have you seen the Robo Boogie? FOTC are the radness. Hell yeah. Although, maybe not rad enough to take one's thoughts off tetanus and the like... Ouch.