Thursday, August 21, 2008

on board spawn talk

1Time flight, somewhere above Bloemfontein, heading towards Cape Town.

(And too right about the name. It could be the one and only time I fly them. There was fluid dripping from the oxygen storage thing above my head. Dripping on me, for two hours to Cape Town. Very pleasant and refreshing.)

Mum: Peas one day you will worry about your children's safety, so when I say Canada is a good place to live, think of your children.

Peas: Yeah speaking of...I'm going to have a test tube baby when I'm 33.

Mum: What?

Peas: Maybe by then I'll actually want a bay-bee.

Mum: TEST TUBE BABY.

Peas: Yes. These days we don't need to find husbands mum. Or husbanks either. Finances are sorted, and so is in vitro pregnancy. Lucky me!

Mum: A TEST TUBE BABY.

[Economy class has suddenly gone very quiet. Around 35 rows of seats are listening to mum's shrieks. It's embarrassing.]

Peas: Ssssh mum. By that stage I could even send it to university by myself, it'll be cool.

Mum: YOU CAN'T BE A SINGLE MOTHER! [Now wailing sort of]

Peas: Of course I can. I looked after 7 kids in France remember. Kids dig Aunty Peas.

Mum: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE MOTHER'S THAT WORK ALL DAY AND HAVE TO HIRE A NANNY???

Peas: Mum. We're in row 32. And Row 2 can hear us.

Mum: YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE REARED BY A NANNY? IT'S HARD ENOUGH REARING A CHILD WITH ITS FATHER AROUND, BUT ON YOUR OWN?

Peas: Would you please stop screaming? I may have no choice, mum. I'll hire a manny, so that there's a father figure around.

Mum: WHAT WILL YOU TELL IT WHEN IT ASKS WHO ITS FATHER IS?

Peas: The truth. 'Mummy and Daddy had you in a test tube. Daddy's profile was that he was a hot shot doctor, composed music, was hysterically funny, and was tall, dark and skinny. It's just that Mummy never met him.'

Mum: This is LUDICROUS Peas.

Peas: Although that could be pretty expensive sperm. I wonder if sperm is more expensive the hotter and brighter the father is....I should investigate.

Woman in seat 30D: Sorry, would you mind keeping it down?

Mum: [Rubs temples] You don't need children. And I don't need to be a grandmother. It's fine, just don't have children.

Peas: On the bright side, it would have at least 4 godfathers and 4 godmothers. Aunty Poen and Uncle Doc, for starters.

Mum: YOU WILL WORK ALL DAY!

Peas: Of course I will. Who else will pay for its violin lessons?

[The whole plane is still silent, some openly staring at my mother and I.]

Peas: But you're right, I don't know if I really want spawn still. I think I do. But it's a whole other universe I can't even contemplate. Maybe someone will change this for me, and make me want to procreate because we're just so in love with each other, but for now...this is looking more feasible.

Mum: Can't you find a nice husband?

Peas: Not really bovvered Mum. Sorry. He's going to have to be as amazing as I am. That's hard to find.

Mum: [Frustrated shriek]

Peas: So what are you ordering to eat? How about a sarmie?

21 comments:

Billy1177 said...

Classic.

As a footnote, 1Time is the better of a rather crap bunch of low costers but as long as i dont support those thieving pigs at SAA i will fly with chickens on a single engined former Greyhound bus lookalike.

kyknoord said...

I think your mom needs to switch to decaf.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - yeah I have to agree about SAA.
Am organising a trip to Argentina at year end with my dad. And he's refusing point blank to fly them, deeming them 'unsafe.'

I'm not so sure about the unsafe part, but the $$$ part, spot on!

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - she's a green tea drinker. And I always have to remind her there's more caffeine in green tea than coffee.

idlelayabout said...

You ate food on 1time?

Miss T said...

All else fails you can adopt a baby from Malawi

Shadow said...

"he was a hot shot doctor, composed music, was hysterically funny, and was tall, dark and skinny"

Damn! one guy can't have all these AND good swimmers. It's just not fair! Well if there is such a guy out there, he's probably gay...

po said...

This sounds like similar though much less funny convos I have with my mom who keeps bewailing that she will never be a granny. These women only have one things on their minds!

Mini said...

World class humour!

Uitstekende(is my Afrikaans correct anyone?)

The Divine Miss M said...

It's fun to torture our mothers isn't it?

I had fun telling her I was going to marry my housemate so that he could remain in England last year. She didn't take very well to that. I think that the every single country between SA and England could hear her screech of fury.

It also didn't help that she is Catholic and he is Jewish.

Wahahahhahaa.

Nowadays I tell her that I can't get married in a church or wear white to the wedding. I'd be a hypocrit.

She doesn't like that either.

Ches said...

Negative mini...you just said, out-sex-ended! Uit-stek-ende.

Mum, bless her...remember, iv has a 75% chance of giving you twins...they'd be like...wait for it....TWO PEAS IN A POD...

BWAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Peas on Toast said...

Idle - I dared myself. It was the ultimate mental challenge.

Miss T - it's been done. I'm thinking Haiti.

Shadow - I heard they have catalogues. Even if the daddy is guy, my son might not be - nature versus nurture is what it will come down to. :)

Po - My mother INSISTS she doesn't need to be a granny, but she brings it up all the time in a manner that I believe she doth protests too much.

Mini - ...pity about the airline though. Not so world class :)

Miss M - oooh I understand that only too well! My mum is Catholic. And I'm all game to marry someone just for their passport, unashamedly.

Ches - twins, even better. Then it's all over and done with in one shot. Just might need to take out a bank loan.

Ordinarylife said...

And here I thought it was a cheap flight and did not offer inflight entertainment.

The rest of the plane should have been thanking you.

Peas on Toast said...

Ordinary - there were a lot of haters in the plane that day. Vaalies in dire need of a holiday and not loving the spawn test tube talk so much.

So lame. ;)

The Divine Miss M said...

My mum likes to think I'm still a virgin. I bet if I started talking about sex she'd stick her fingers in her ears and go

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

Ooo I should try that sometime.

Peas on Toast said...

Miss M - if there's one thing my mum knows I'm not, it's that I'm a virgin. But then she pays me back by reminding me of what she and my step dad did together on the Great Wall of China.

I kid you not.

OK, am off to puke.

The Blonde Blogshell said...

OK, seriously...you're only ALLOWED to have a TTB if Blogshell can be an aunt. In fact...you should have applications for aunts and uncles.
It's only fair. You have to apply for the TTB's "daddy's"
Awesome!
I'm gonna be an AUNT!! WHOOP-WHOOP!

*Going to take my meds now*
:-) LOL

The Divine Miss M said...

That's gross.

I'm off to puke now too.

Peas on Toast said...

Blogshell - oh YES please! You can definitely be TTB Aunty! Will you take it out and teach it the ways about the world? And make sure it doesn't eat polony or white bread?

;)

Miss M - yeah it's scarring. It haunts me daily dude. Daily.

1time passenger said...

What worries me is that they fly MD82s, the same plane which Spanair crashed.

Peas on Toast said...

1timepassenger[no more?] - hectic I didn't realise they're the same planes. That dripping from the roof should've stirred up some more concern, it's a little worrying.