Booking all our arrangements for Greece in September.
Googling copious ferry companies, and not winning.
All I needed to know was whether we could get from Rhodes Island to Santorini on a boat. Boat from A-B. Pretty simple search query there.
Eventually I gave up and made a few international phone calls. To thus:
Peas: Hello is this Greek Cruises Your-Website-Is-Like-Off-Souvlaki.com?
Man: Kathika, Plaka Taverna, Parthenon, Taka-Taka……my name is Apollo, what want?
Peas: Hello Apollo….um, yeah…sorry just processing your name over there…wow…...I need to know two things. Is there a boat to Santorini from Rhodes?
Apollo: I not understand. Asklepios! ASKLEPIOS! [undeterminable Zorba jargon] Rodos Santorini Drachmas Wopah!
Peas: Is there one?
Apollo: I not understand.
αυτή η ηλίθια σκύλα θέλει να ξέρει τις διαδρομές πορθμείων! [This stupid bitch wants to know the ferry routes]
Apollo: I give you Aphrodite, my wife. AphroDEETEE! AphroDEE-TEE! …[lots of screaming and shouting]….No, Aphrodite incarcerated. [wtf? – Ed] I give you Venus, she know.
Venus: What you look for?
Peas: Is there a boat from Rhodes to Santorini.
Venus: Use Google.
Peas: Eat sour grapes in a toga woman.
Venus: I no eat grapes. We no do boat. Look at this company: www.fruitlessoperation.com
Peas: OK…Venus…this is a flights company.
Venus: ι don' προσοχή τ, i' το VE είχε ήδη 4 ouzos στο μεσημεριανό γεύμα. [I don’t care as I already had four ouzos at lunch.]
Peas: Is this Triton:Trumpeter Of The Sea Boat Company?
Peas: Is this +30 555 793728 5478302 5892362….?
Lady: Poseidon! Poseidon, wopah! [Would everyone stop screaming – Ed]
Σκέφτεστε ότι πρέπει να φάω τα πράσινα σταφύλια ή τις ελιές? [Poseidon, Do you think I should eat the entire tapas or just the olives?]
[Pause. A vase falls and smashes somewhere]
‘I give you Pegasus. He do orders.’
Peas: Is this not the official call centre?
Lady: Pegasus! Drachmas!
[Pegasus flies over, smashes another vase, with his wingspan]
Pegasus: You want Mykonos?
Peas: Not yet. For now let’s keep it simple. Rhodes to Santorini.
Peas: Is that ‘Hell’ in Greek?
Pegasus: Emay chorto ‘fagos. [I am a vegetarian.]
So what I learnt in this whole mare of an operation, really, is that flying half-horse humans don’t eat meat.