Monday, September 22, 2008

i am a non-smoker

OK.

It's been 2.5 days of almost hell.

The three day nicotine withdrawal clincher.

Been chewing gum like a motherfucker.

The three day I'll Fucking Bite Your Head Off And Spit Out The Sinew period. The three day constant feeling of something missing. The three day insatiable urge to stuff your face.
(Sorry, who ate all the pies this weekend? Peas did. And now, as a result, is on another crash diet this week.)

The three day, 'WTF am I going to do not to smoke?' Allen Carr is good for various reasons. But it's not going to take away the shitty withdrawal feeling. Nothing will, come on.

(Shop. Scrub the bath tub. Eat. Shop more and buy stupid sunglasses. Pull your hair out. Wank. Watch TV. Wank. Take another bath. Alphabetise your CD collection)

If I make it past 1:00pm this afternoon, I'd have done the worst. For this addiction – the freebasing of nicotine – is fucking hard to stop.

It's amazing how uncomfortable and crazy you feel without it. Fuck.

I went to bed at 7:30pm on Friday.

I went to bed at 7:30pm on Friday. Dude.

I haven't done that since I was 4 years old. Barney had a better Friday than I did. I just couldn't face being nice to people.

I would've got lucky. Yes. It really was a touch and go.

But realised with pure relief as I entered my home, I'd made the right decision to leave: Thank fuck I'm single. I don't have to please anyone, I don't have to fucking pretend to take an interest in a Napover's life. I can go to bed grumpy, mourning the loss of my frenemy, the cigarette.

I feel the relief of being single. I feel this quite often these days.

Just as I quit smoking, and my tolerance levels are fucked: Suddenly why does everyone want a piece of me? Arrrgh. Seriously. Let me deal with my cold turkey alone please. Please.

My strike rate, I've realised, is suddenly sitting at an all-time low. As in, pick a number and stand in the queue.

But what frustrates me is this: I have found myself giving various men the whole fucking 'no thanks' speech lately. Ad. Min.

The whole, 'sorry man, actually, no.' And I am frustrated, because it would be easier maybe to like just one of them. Or easier if I just didn't have to say anything, but I have to. And it's always awkward.

The guy I do like, I'm just steering way clear of.



And other nice guys live, like, in other countries.

So, yeah. It's suddenly like water water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Ferfucksakes.

Although, it would be nice...on that note...now that I'm three days in...to test out how great it tastes to kiss somebody. It would also take my mind off the cigarettes themselves.

Back to the Little Nicotine Monster I'm trying to kill.

Hello Appetite.
Good God.

Doc drove to me MacDonalds at 10pm on Saturday to smash a Big Mac Meal after we drank lots of pinotage. (I cannot stop my life; I've just stopped smoking. That's all. So wine is good. Wine is good).

I went shopping with The Dove and bought some beautiful dresses and underwear.
I changed my sheets.
I washed my hands 8 000 times.
I smashed lots of cupcakes.
I gritted my teeth, took big deep breaths and sat on my hands. And just imagined killing the two shop assistants who were retarded. Not actually killing them.
I drank litres of detoxifying green tea.
I paced around my house.
Braai in Lonehill? No problem. I'll drive anywhere to avoid smoking.

I redid my entire balcony. Fake flowers, new pots, a bench with cushions, cushions fucking everywhere. House & Garden you come come round now.

I tossed and turned the whole weekend. Just like my other failed attempts to give up nicotine, I did not sleep a wink for three days. You toss and turn, throughout the night for some reason, and you just know it's because your body is like:
'Where the FUCK IS MY NICOTINE BITCH?'

May this horrible withdrawal period just calm the fuck down now. The guy at Allen Carr said life will be unbearable for a week. I can [maybe] do a week. But honestly, I can't feel like this much longer. It's too hard.

And yes yes yes, the benefits will be wonderful – already I can breathe and smell better.

I'm going to do this. Just please try not to piss me off.

OK, if you piss me off I'm going to melt your face with my red-hot irrational nicotine monster anger.

Just lie low.
Look. Think. And stay alive.

23 comments:

The Blonde Blogshell said...

I am super duper impressed... keep it up! I know it's a bitch, but bloody hell, Nicotine Monster meet Green Eyed Monster!
I WISH I was giving up! :-(

KEEP IT UP, KEEP IT UP!!
XXX

Peas on Toast said...

Hello Blondie!

Apparently I'm meant to not envy smokers who can light up willy nilly, I'm meant to pity them. That's what Al Carr reckons.

But I havE TO SAY i STILL FIND MYSELF STARING AT SMOKERS, THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. Wanting what they have in their hand. ;)

Charmskool said...

Well done Peas! I gave up 5 years ago and still crave cigarettes and am always ready to mug smokers for a fag! I guess I am a true addict? Then of course there's all that eating that I do to fill the hands....this isn't helping is it?

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Pity me, pity me! Aaaaargh!!!

I got to page 24 of the AC book and seriously... it's quite impressive!
Keep going...I'll be joining the non-smoking band wagon soon! Hey, I'm a slow reader...what can I say?
LOL! I'm not really, but that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Like glue.

Peas on Toast said...

Charm - a ha! This was me every other time I have given up, and (failed dismally, only starting up again a few months later.) The trick with Allen Carr is he basically defunks everything you thought would happen and changes your entire attitude towards giving up. While I want to eat everything in sight and the cravings suck, I'm also so stoked I've finally managed to do this. And I know it will be forever this time.

But enough about that: give me ideas of what to eat so that I don't turn into the fucking Michelin Man!

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - I tried to read the book TWICE, got halfway both times and then got seriously bored. Put the book down and book an AC session. Saves you time and it's way better, ritual-wise. And you have a whole support group too! (I even made friends! Yay!)

I'm going to email you the info. The book takes WAAAAAY too long!

Jam said...

Peas honey -
1. It gets a LOT easier after about 72 hours. The ABSOLUTE WORST is nearly done
2. You really don't want what is in other people's hands. Imagine going through all this agony, only to have to restart it all again.
3. I'm in week 3. In week 3, I am feeling SO MUCH better in general and all my normal "Pavlov's Dog" moments are going.
4. I'm sleeping again. Hallelujah.
5. I feel amazing!!
Keep it up, love ya. Need coffee.
xx

Jam said...

Peas honey -
1. It gets a LOT easier after about 72 hours. The ABSOLUTE WORST is nearly done
2. You really don't want what is in other people's hands. Imagine going through all this agony, only to have to restart it all again.
3. I'm in week 3. In week 3, I am feeling SO MUCH better in general and all my normal "Pavlov's Dog" moments are going.
4. I'm sleeping again. Hallelujah.
5. I feel amazing!!
Keep it up, love ya. Need coffee.
xx

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - oh babe, I'm so excited you've done AC too! It means your head space is in exactly the right place.

And as he said, 'we have given up nothing. Smoking is pointless. We don't sit under the house getting all nicotined up, it's pointless.' Unlike other drugs that have a point...I guess.

But yes already am starting to feel better - it's just the first 3 weeks he said. I'm just taking this one day at a time. But my attitude towards smoking has never been so good. Yay! Am SOOO glad you've done it too babe. It really really helps!

acidicice said...

Somehow I was lucky. I just put them down one day randomly and decided not to pick them up again (the cigarettes, that is). I had smoked for 10 years and never had the desire to stop. One day I just put them down. It did get hard after that...I found myself frustrated that I had nothing to do with my hands and nothing in my mouth. I ate lollipops and started knitting, which helped a bit. I also stood up every one and a half hours at work and started walking towards the balcony...only to have to stop and ask myself where I'm going. "Pavlov's Dog" as Jam calls it.

It goes though. If you're drinking wine without lighting up - you're more than halfway there. You'll do just fine once you get past these initial withdrawels and 'WTF to do' moments.

Mini said...

Did you see the lectric smokes they showed in the Sunday Times?

I was like LMFAO.Though it aint WHO approved.Maybe you should try them(They even make smoke.lol)

Peas on Toast said...

Acidicice - that is amazing skat. I've heard of people like you, who just one day put the smokes down and never look back. I know if I touch one ever again I'll be back at it. I can't look at one for as long as I live. Dove did it like you too. I'm amazed!

Yip and Allen Carr guy said you shouldn't stop other aspects of your life, or you WILL be miserable. And drinking wine without a smoke was actually rather pleasant/easier than I thought!

I know I'm going to get through this initial WTF moment ;)

Mini - I heard! Nope, I don't want to smoke. I really don't want to anymore. Even if they're better for me ;)

Revolving Credit said...

So when you finally get to have sex againg, there's no cigarette after??

Damn, that's harsh.

Keep it up!

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie - ah you funny little skank.

I've never been one for post coital smoking anyway. After action satisfaction is what they WANT you to believe ;)

Revolving Credit said...

No smoking?? so you use a lubricant?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - never mock the benefits of lube.

Lube is good for SO many things :)

Miss T said...

Scary...but well done lassie! I'll stay on this side of the fence though until the cravings go away :)

Peas on Toast said...

Miss T - you're ALWAYS welcome on my side of the fence lassie. You and your ESP have pulled me through rather a hard weekend.

Viva ESP! Viva Miss T! xx

Revolving Credit said...

That sounds a bit anal?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Izzit?

I dunno. I put lube in my hair.


(kidding ok. hahahah)

The said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Dumpee said...

Good thing you're single. You're one grumpy chick.

;)

Peas on Toast said...

The Dumpee - touche.;)

So why'd you get axed dude?