Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the most pleasurable vehicular scenario ever

I took Ludwig for his annual Expensive-As-Fuck car service yesterday. Usually I cry this time each year because he manages to rack up a few thousand ZARs.

Ludwig is an expensive, high maintenance Shitewagen.

Unwittingly crafted by the same company who make Road Impalas. God, how embarrassanté. He's beautiful, gay and cute, but he's fuck off high maintenance.

Anyway, this year is different. Ludwig's private school education car service has been paid for this time. Could you imagine? Could you imagine how positively excitable I was on dropping him off?

Could you imagine saying to a mechanic: Find everything that is wrong with this car...and I mean everything...and fix it.

Nope, I couldn't imagine it, even after those exact words spilled from my mouth. I normally throw monkey wrenches at mechanics for trying to rip me the fuck off, only because I wear heels and have a vagina.So the mechanic phones me to quote the repairs.
Ludwig is basically falling apart at the moment, so there's a lot to fix. I mean he's sounding more like the Old Beetle that smokes 45 cigarettes a day, than the New Beetle.

But this time, I don't answer the phone quivering and dreading the foreseeable.

Man: Madam, your car needs a new starter motor.

Peas: Yip, he most certainly does.

Man: It's the motor that starts the engine.

Peas: Of that I am aware. Put in a new one.

Man: You sure?

Peas: Put in two actually. Just to make sure.

Man: Right.

[pause]

Man: OK, and new front break pads, and an oil change. That's the urgent stuff.

Peas: What's the not-so-urgent stuff?

Man: A new fanbelt, oil filter and an air-mass metre. The fuel pump is giving trouble, but it's not urgent just yet, your car will survive.

Peas: 'Survive!' Whaaaaat! We cannot have that. I don't want it to simply survive, I want it to...strive! Strive...and like overtake, and look shit-hot, and stuff....

Man: Uh...ok.

Peas: That air mass thingie: It's what's fucking up the power isn't it? It's why I need to go up the hills in 4th now, isn't it? It's why I can't dice people when I have the air-con on at traffic lights, correct?

Man: Yes. It's cracked, but it doesn't need to be changed right now.

Peas: Change it this instant. Can't have my car driving at half mast. This is a performance vehicle.
If it's dying or even half broken, change it now. Now....NOW! [Booming voice]

Man: Whatever you say lady....Wiper blades?

Peas: Ah yes, ta.

[pause]

Peas: I was told the cambelt isn't doing so hot.

Man: The cambelt is fine. It's practically...flawless.

Peas: You sure?

Man: Yes.

He states the grand total, wincing as he does so. I love that he is expecting me to throw an instant thrombosis.

I don't.

Peas: Awesome thanks, I'll collect him at 5:00.

Man: 'Him?'

Peas: Yes, his name is Ludwig. He's a dude, dude.

Man: Woah-kaaay then.

And on top of it? The mechanic abrased out the paint from my side-swiping-pole accident. He looks like new. From the side.

Because the front grill still needs to be replaced from that COCK-KNOCKING PISSWANKER who reversed into me with his tow hitch.

Besides that, he looks and feels like a fucking Ferrari! I don't think my car has ever been in such great shape in its life! Stuff an Audi, I'm keeping Ludders for longer!

He's just flying up the hills again; he's overtaking Bentley's; he's taking Polo Playas Road Impalas up the dirt track...he's pimping all over the world.

You cannot hear him. He simply makes no noise. My car's value has just gone up by about 2 000%.

And! It didn't even cost the price of a small man-made Dubai island.

God I'm stoked. I have never in my life had such a pleasurable vehicular experience.

(Apart from that one time, back at university camp, in the parking lot...) PS: My Hot Pom is almost funnier than me. Almost means I need to up my game. I wonder if he still thinks I am a MENSA member though?

PPS: They say your sense of smell starts to return, hammer & tongs, once you quit smoking.

I gotta say people: I'm not liking what I'm smelling.

The supermarket smells rank ok. And people seem to have these little pockets of smelly funk about them. Am I wrong? I mean, it's putrid. Perhaps it's just my nasal hairs regrowing. But I just gotta lay it out there: I'm not loving what I'm smelling.

24 comments:

Gold digger said...

You sound a lot perkier today, glad to hear you survived the 72 hours! Well done!

Peas on Toast said...

Gold digger! WOOOOHOOOO! lOOK AT ME all perky like!

I must say, am starting to feel much much better. I still miss my little frenemy, but it isn't killing me so much anymore. This Allen Carr method ROCKS.

I'M HIGH! ON LIFE!

(How annoying for other people! ;)

Nessers said...

And what generous benefactor paid to have Ludwig made all pretty for you may I ask?

Peas on Toast said...

It's called a MOTOR PLAN Nessers!

Totally worth it. In every possible way. ;)

Mini said...

I love the 2nd comic strip.U could give Zapiro a run for his money.Pity tho you can't use cunt,fuck,etc in a national paper!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - problem is, I'd be tried for discrimination. Just like he is.

:(

They'd say I wasn't being gay friendly or something, which is crazy pants, because I love my NBGF!

Sunrise said...

Fuck it,Peas you crack me up, farken craik me up! But you denting my Road Impala's spirit, he really thinks that he can take on the big game!

Mini said...

Pea whats NBGF?????

New British Girl Friend?????????

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - hahaha, sorry babe. Does your Impala like to slowly graze along in the fast lane? Is it silver?

These are important points to consider ;)

Mini - No my New Best Gay Friend. The dude who works in my building who I've been wanting to take on as my best friend since I first started working here. And now we are! Yay!

Kitty Cat said...

Ah, motor plan. I also thought you'd found yourself a rich old sugar daddy

Peas on Toast said...

Kitty - hahaha, god no.

I don't need a husbank :)

;)

Sunrise said...

It ploughs through the grassy plains in a ubiquitous PIMP white flash, dragging imported Euro trash in its wake; it’s the understated superhero during the day and the dangerous fucking bad ass on asphalt.

Alyight...

Peas on Toast said...

Sunrise - A WHITE road impala...eish...man...I'm sorry.

;)

Wanna dice??

Sunrise said...

Its a beast, in impala's clothing, a roaring V8, bring it biatch! Luddie, will be smoking my tail pipe, and it will feel damn good...Fuck it, wait Luddie is gay, he will enjoy that. Will have to make a date with a butch bitchtits...like a bantam...

Peas on Toast said...

hahahahahahahaha classic.
heee hee!

Shitters sunrise, you REALLY LOVE that Road Impala, huh.

:)

neil, the ranter said...

really enjoy your blog. i tried allan carr - didn't work for me. xyban did the trick. 2 years later and smoking is a distant memory. AND i drive a mini cooper s - you don't get gayer than that, k!

Sunrise said...

I dont care much for cars, or for people who need to extend their dick or boobs, buy buying "up" to look like they belong in that jet set category, (respect to all people that can afford it and appreciate good German engineering) my babe slaying impala a good car, I look at him sometime and think, hell I dig you homie. I Liake it stukkend, I would rather spend the bucks on my house and other shit that floats my boat.

I just dont get ijits that hang their dicks out their cars, and the chicks that fall for it...

Peas on Toast said...

Neil - wooohoo! Ok you win dude. Hands down. Your car is definitely the gayest car in the vill-udge. I hand you the trophy humbly :)

I've never gone the xyban route, I thought I'd tried Al Carr first...and so far so good :)

Sunrise - I look at him sometime and think, hell I dig you homie.

That's brilliant, hahaha and touche. The Road Impala can stay, he sounds alright. ;)

9It's just that there are SO MANY of you on the road. It's not that the Road Imapala is a bad car. You get good value for money for a sturdy car.
It's that they're fucking everywhere. As a result.

So...hence Impala. Like in the bush. ;)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Ok, so Peas...this pains me to say it, but basically, we can't be friends anymore.
You drive the car that THIS fag hag has wanted to drive for years!
This jealous blogshell is honestly reviewing the friendship contract! ;-)

Oh...and, um..WTF? Did you sleep with the mechanic in order to get this service, free?
Or..did I miss something?
LOL!!!!

Sunrise said...

Why thank you Ms. Peas, I must agree though plenty of my beasts clones...anyhoo, time to get the fark out of here, and into a public holiday. Do you have a stupid flower in your beetle...tell me you do, ha ha ha...now thats gay! :)

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Oh no wait...I'll take a mini cooper (now THAT'S gay) or an Audio TT -I'm really not fussy!
We can keep the friendship contract!!
You're psyched now, aren't you?
You're high on life for this friendship...*sigh*
I know!!

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - ok I admit it. I slept with the grease monkey. He dropped his overalls, wore a white shirt streaked with oil and took a good long look under my bonnet. It was fabulous ;)

Hey! You can drive the Mini anyday. And the TT...maybe. Although Audis are my cars. If you drive the Mini then can we still be friends? ;)

Sunrise - I certainly do have a flower in my Beetle! :) It's never left the little dashboard-vase once! Gay, eh? ;)

Blondie - hahaha HIGH ON LIFE, FRIENDSHIP, CLEAN LUNGS! WATCH OUT i'LL START EVANGELISING NOW! :)

The Dumpee said...

Good ol' motor plan. Nice work.

mike said...

If you're talking about the parking area near rhodes mem then I completely understand. Good for parking in the morning if you're willing to wake up early to avoid main road and great for the naughty late at night. Sure, your car weighs a ton, more than most but if it looks good who canargue. mike