Thursday, September 25, 2008

table insanity

Tuesday night's dinner party is a classic, if not crazily retarded, example of how small Johannesburg has gotten.

Just another reason why I really really need to go and live in Europe.

Oh also that our cabinet is falling apart, the market is crashing, we have a 'who the fuck is he?' fake president, and it's a matter of days until Zuma, the corrupt fuckwanker is our actual president and the whole country goes down the shitter….of course.

My ex, Dick, is back in town for a week.
So a little dinner party was pulled together, resulting in a table of people.

Well Doc and I were in hysterics. And it wasn't because we thought the air-conditioning industry is hilarious. (Air-con is a hot dinner-party topic these days.)

Just based on the general table semantics - you can only laugh – the people at this table? The one we were sitting at? Have all collectively shared an appalling amount of sexual fluids.

I'm going to deconstruct it, so you have the conclusive picture.

Stick with me, and try to pick up what I'm throwing down.

Picture the scene. There are 12 people sitting around a table at the Grillhouse in Rosebank. Wine is being poured, steak is being smashed, and I'm not smoking.

Life is grand.

Until I took a jolly good hard look at the one circle of friends around me, and my immediate urge was to escape with a cigarette, frankly.

But I didn't. Anyway.

Girl 1 has recently been with my ex boyfriend, Boy 1. I don't really give a stuff; it's pretty amusing.

On the other hand, Girl 1's ex boyfriend, Boy 2, is sitting next to her. And he has his new girlfriend along as well.

Girl 2's ex-boyfriend, Boy 3, is also here.

So there are essentially three ex-couples at this table.

This alone should usually make for stiff, somewhat awkward cheap talk, but that's only the start of it.

We all get along politely, when in truth this situation is a bit fucked up. We're all friends. And you'll find that friends share a lot more than meets the eye.

So I'm sitting next to Girl 1, and we're bitching about Boy 3, who recently tried to get his hands in the till with Girl 2. I'm bitching, because Girl 2 is Boy 4's ex-girlfriend. And Boy 3 and Boy 4 are good friends.

Are you with me?

Girl 1, Girl 2 and I are sitting together just talking about this scenario, pretty openly.

In the meantime, I've been with four people at the table. (Most of them somewhat innocent). Boy 1 (my ex), Boy 3, Boy 4 and Boy 5 a few times though a series of random hook-ups and good old clean fun.

Girl 2 has been with three people at the table, and Girl 1 has also been with three.

Girl 1 and I have been with Boy 1.

Girl 2 and I have been with Boy 4, Boy 3 and Boy 5.

Girl 1 and Girl 2 have both been with Boy 2. (The dude who has a new girlfriend in tow)

We've all shared a lot of spit, basically.

Then, as the wine flows and people get horny, Boy 3's sister wants a piece of Boy 5, who has had a piece of me a few times, and has also had a piece of Girl 1 and Girl 2.

The only people who haven't been together are the dudes and the girls. Even then, Girl 1 and I were thinking of just pulling into each other over dessert. Just to drive the point home.

And also, because it would probably be a bit of a giggle, and hey. We would be one up on Boy 1 who has been with both of us.

Perhaps the dudes have been together. Nothing surprises me anymore. Perhaps they've all communally wanked as one unified Joburg brethren.

Stranger things have happened.

This place is so incestuous; we might as well all go down to a fuck farm in the Midlands for a weekend.

And just get it on. Altogether, in one place. It would save a lot of time, and hell we've all practically been together anyway.

A sex camp actually sounds like a fucking ace idea. It would release some much needed sexual frustration.

Doc and I ate a huge Loser's Breakfast yesterday, giggling and laughing about how bloody absurd the whole inter-fucking scenario is in this town.

Appalling and laughable, and oh so very very very over that vibe.

PS: My Hot Pom, who is really my number one chat buddy at the moment – snaps for Brit-Belgian pen pals....I guess.
Doesn't everyone want a penpal? Or am I still stuck in 1993 when I wrote letters to some dude who lived in New Zealand?

Whatever, anyway, he doesn't seem to agree with my very clever and thought-provoking theory on Why Belgium Has a Paedophile Problem.

It could come down to something far more sinister of course. Like the famous little pissing fountain boy, maybe.


The Blonde Blogshell said...


So... I'm really sorry Peas, but I had to re-read that 3 times to get it. Blonde? Yes. Stupid? No. Really early? Definitely.

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - I wouldn't worry at all babe. I can barely keep up myself.

It's not about the detail really. It's about the...alarmingly complex webs we do weave. ;)

SwissTwist said...

Reading this kinda makes me glad I got out of there in time to save my rep!!

I'm mailing you my addy, I want a handwritten-penpal-letter-writing-hofriend :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Swiss - hahahahaha :) You got out in the nick of time, babe :)

Penpals are such a hot commodity right now. SUCH a hot commodity! :)

Jam said...

First off, well done on not smoking. I was looking around a crowd of my friends yesterday and reflecting on the inter social fucking JHB thing. Hectic. Hectic.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Jam! Tomorrow it will be ONE WEEK! :) Can't say it hasn't been hard, but in some respects it's been the easiest quitting I've ever done, and I'm sure you'd agree!

The inetr-social fucking you reckon this happens everywhere? Or do you think South Africans are just naturally incestuous/over-sexed?

Inyoka said...

Squirrel's nuts ...

And this isn't even Albany in the Eastern Cape where, I am assured by locals, people marry their sisters, sometimes without even knowing it.

Peas on Toast said...

inyoka - Amazing innit.

And this circle didn't have one Rhodes Uni person in it either.

Wait until you defragment THOSE scenarios. It's frightening.

Mini said...


Jesus F@#kin Christ!I thought BOLD and BEAUTIFUL was f@#King hilarious.Seems u n ur pals take the cake with the f@#king cherry on top!

Pleeze invite me for a popcorn night the next time you have one of these get togethers:)

Nessers said...

OMG - you need new friends hehehe - the worst I ever had was my ex had a "shag buddy" who desperately wanted it to be more so badly that she waited around the whole 8 years we were together and then pounced on him practically a week after he broke up with me only to be rejected again which just goes to prove that he was not biding his time with me waiting to get back into her knickers and she did not get this as when he refused her advances AGAIN she tried to destroy me by telling me he had had an affair with her the whole time we were together (if you see her and me next to each other you will get a very idea of hos delusional this female is)

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - the amazing thing is that there is no hair pulling or penis wagging. We're all pretty calm and collected if not giggly about the whole scenario.

Well at least I am. For all I know they all could've had a huge gang bang after dinner. I'll pass ;)

Nessers - woahhhhhhh. Hectic! If I started talking about the delusional crazy jealous women I know, we'd be here all day. ;)

Isn't life a barrel of laughs eh? ;)

po said...

Ok I tried to follow, I really did, but I got lost somewhere between girl 2 and boy 5... I never realised Joburg was so incestuous.

po said...

Ooh wait I saw the diagram, it is all clear now.

Peas on Toast said...

Po - ahahaha ;) And one or two lines I've realised is missing from the diagramme...

But I've lost count myself...