Tuesday, September 09, 2008

rocket & water

Henceforth the onerous and burdensome task of detox.

Pilates has been upped to twice a week, and my fridge is filled with leafy detritus that rabbits dig to nibble on as celebratory party snacks.

Oh , and water. I've been in workplaces where water is the El Grande Entusiasmo Embarassante.
Where women lug around 2 litre bottles of Valpre and chug gallons of the stuff like it's normal.

Where water is their cling on. Their tag along to every meeting; their homie at every lunch break. Where water bottles are clutched more than a mouse. It was an all women office, and it was a little terrifying.

(That and the tampon talk, of course.)

These women really should've placed portable latrines next to their desks for incessant bladder relieving. They say smokers are less productive.

Fuck that. Obsessive wee takers are less productive. I should collate stats and present it at the company's quarterly results indaba:

“She who drinks Valpre water during working hours spends approximately 4.5 hours on the can! Just pissing away! That's not pee, that's solid working time literally being bypassed away.”

[Pointing to flip chart displaying an eloquently sketched ureter, using Italian-like hand motions to accentuate my conclusive research.]

“That ureter isn't passing fluid; it's passing the BUCK.”

[Pragmatic pause.]

“Ladies and gentlemen, there goes the company revenue. Ad verbatim.
Give us normal water drinkers an extra lunch break. Or, like a bonus or something.”

Anyway. Where was I. Ah yes, water. So I'm drinking it like these people are. I have my standard 1.5 litres a day, and even then the peeing becomes a drag. I've upped it to two litres, and frankly, the poen is taking strain.

I ate salad for dinner, and I ate it for lunch. And tomorrow I shall imbibe great vast quantities of leafy produce, because...well, I don't know really. I just should.

I feel the pressure. 'Bitch please, I'm from Sandton'-pressure.

After a whoringly indulgent week in Greece where 2:00am was an early bedtime, this is what people should do.

By the time my Friday birthday bash rolls around, I should be good for a few mojitos.
I would've done enough water closet duty. And perhaps morphed into a giant rocket leaf.

And on that – because I've been meaning to bitch about it for a while - rocket is so unbelievably overrated. Just because Jamie Oliver made it the 'thing' to have in a salad, everyone just jumped onto the fucking rocket wagon claiming they 'grow it in their gardens,' or the tediously overheard, 'I bought the Woolies rocket, it's just so scrumptious and fresh.'

Rocket doesn't taste fragrant like basil or oregano. It tastes rather like water. Bitter water that's perhaps been chilling somewhere stagnant.

Rocket is pants.

Nuff bitching. More water drinking and salad eating and pilates doing and tan upkeep.

PS: Great news. The cankles weren't permanent. Thank fuck for that.

14 comments:

Kitty Cat said...

Well, just to confuse you, I saw on an Oprah and Dr.Oz show that drinking extra water actually doesn't do a thing for you. Apparently we get more than enough from our food - especially if you're eating fresh salady stuff like rocket (ugh, I know).

Peas on Toast said...

Kitty - I heard something similar. That if you drink more than 2 litres of water a day, it's actually bad for you, as you're flushing out all your natural electrolytes from your system, as well as putting your kidneys under extra strain.

Mini said...

That water stuff is 100% pure BS.

Dont get me wrong,wa'er is healthy!But too much doesnt do anything.

I am currently fasting( best detox babe).I could show you a before and after ramadaan picture and you will see it in my skin!

I am a true believer that everything needs to be done in moderation!

Miss T said...

Trying to do the water thing too...but the loo is too close to the desks and the walls are not thick

idlelayabout said...

Hey, c'mon, rocket tastes great covered in thick salad dressing and loads of mayonnaise. Topped with a thick wedge of Norwegian salmon and some grated cheese, mmmmmm.

Sorry, probably not helping here...

Miss T said...

by the by ...did you get the CD's?

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - I admire you for fasting, shew! Can't say I've ever managed to do that, my discipline is up to shit :)

Can't resist a nibble here and there.

Miss T - I have the exact opposite problem. Our nearest loo is on the other side of the building. Ball ache. And no, haven't received your CDs yet! Shit! I hope they haven't been stolen babe?

Idle - the fact you have to put all that stuff on top of the rocket to begin with, speaks volumes :)

Ches said...

That girl has a nice ass!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah, it's good craic.

hahahahahah

Ches said...

I didn't even read your post...I just saw the picture and knew, Ms Boycott only had eyes for Ches!

Peas on Toast said...

cHES - hORNY BASTARD :)

MISS T! MISS T WHERE ARE YOU!

I just received your amazing package, to my desk, filled with wondeful music!! Where are you!

Somabula Blog said...

Not sure whether you remember this incident, where a woman from California died from drinking too much water in a wii competition. Yes, wii as in the game, not a wee as in pee. See http://tinyurl.com/4nruqu

As for myself, I love rocket and watercress salad. The watercress growing area of the UK is just up the road from me here in Southampton.

Inyoka

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Rock on!! I am on the health kick, but in a serious fashion. I'm working on the tan (always feel skinnier when I'm brown) and as far as water...um...well I hate the stuff, so I'm just upping the boxing and giving rabbits a run for their money in the salad department! So glad to know we're not alone!
Peas and Blondie weight loss support group. Call now.

Peas on Toast said...

Inyoka - no ways, and coincidental it was a Wii and not a Playstation, definitely.

Watercress I can do - but on its own with rocket? You put dressing over that right? ;)

Blondie - wooohoo I have an ally in Detox! How long are you detoxing for? My tan is fading so badly, I'm almost considering going to one of those Caribbean Tan spray on places to hold onto the Greek aftermath!