Tuesday, October 28, 2008

cidade de deus

It’s snowballed.

I am now officially fucken terrified for my year end break.
I fear it like Black Friday.

Let us not forget, I will be in Israel this time next week, where bombs are bombs and not Jaegers.

It’s not the Argentina leg I’m terrified about, with my Dad.
Sure, one of us will probably lose our minds. And Dad is crazier, so it'll be him.
The chances of him going completely off his rocker and losing his slippery grip on reality once and for all, on this trip, are high.

But I’m shitting for Brazil, which I'm doing on my ace. If I don’t get kidnapped and spend the next ten years in hostage being forced to cut white powder into lines for a drug cartel, all while administering sexual services to the syndicate leader, I’ll be too terrified to leave my hotel room.

See, my stepfather has just got back from a trip to Sao Paulo.
Now admittedly that city has a bad rep, it's a lot like Johannesburg. He also visited Rio, (more like Cape Town maybe?), reporting back to my mother about the crime/hostage/violence/theft scenario.

I find this hilarious since I already am going, come hell or high water, because my fuck-off expensive flights have been paid for and I desperately need a holiday.

But on Sunday, the neuroticism was just a little too much for me to handle.

Peas, we’ve decided that you can still go to Brazil.

Excuse me? Since when did I suddenly need your permission?

…Only on the condition you allow me to sew an inner-lining into your jeans.

What?? Why?

You’re not going to carry any type of bag on you, even a moonbag. You’re going to hide your money in the inside of your pants.

What? Don’t be ridiculous – what are you talking about?

…a decoy handbag would be good. She can fill it with bubblewrap for when she gets held up at knifepoint.

You’re scaring the shit out of me! Why would people loot and pillage me when I step onto the pavement?

Because Brazil is a dangerous place Peas, did you do any research? If you’re not kidnapped, you’ll be mugged. You need to make friends on the aeroplane and stick to them like glue.
…[formidably sombre] Your life depends on it.

[wailing] I’m not attaching myself to some random group of people! I’m not going to be a cling-on. Jesus.

In fact, you need to stay in a hotel. Not a hostel.

This is absurd! I want to mingle with people my age!

And you can’t drink caipirinhas, it’ll make you an instant target. You can’t get drunk. In fact, steer clear of all intoxicants. Even coffee.

What the FUCK happened to my Copacabana Beach, free-of-couples, edgy, caipirinha-induced, hot-Brazilian-nights, lambada holiday? Filled with gorgeous, loose men?

It doesn’t exist. They say Rio de Janeiro is more dangerous than Lagos.

I refuse to believe that.

I wouldn’t even take a backpack. Leave your stuff in Buenos Aires and carry a portable human safety deposit box. Wear camo. Actually, put a Taliban-style burqa over your face so that you blend in and/or nobody wants to go near you.

…oh and one last thing. Don’t walk anywhere. Take a taxi. Walking will surely get you killed. Don’t lie on the beach. Don't talk to strangers.

But they wrote romantic songs about the beaches there – it can’t be that bad! I’m losing my shit here!

…. [bursts into tears] …people go to Rio all the time! ...don't they? [the paranoia taking over completely] People don’t holiday in Lagos, they go to Rio!

Yes, but people go with other people Peas. You’re alone.

Why the fuck do you think I’m going to a place like Rio and not fucking Mauritius?

...Oh and another thing, you’ll get ripped off. The Brazilians are charming and aggressive, and they’ll hustle and bother you and try to rip you off. They’ll try to have sex with you.

Stop. Right there.

Hell, I had a prostitute latch onto me the moment I arrived in Rio. And she was Per.Sis.Tint. Oh and the slums? They spill onto the beach, the poverty levels are insane.

I am about to have a nervous breakdown.

But on the bright side…I’m sure there are LOTS of Anglo-Saxon friends you can meet on a tour? Go on one of those tours where you see the anacondas spawn in the jungle, Peas.

Well I suppose you’re an outgoing extraverted eccentric…. You might even come back.

Also, she’s not blonde. Maybe they won’t traffic her to Belize.

Doris, she mustn’t even talk to the locals. She must not get off the bus. They have bullet-proof glass on the vehicles there for a very good reason.

She’s going to get lynched.

I’m still in the room fuckers.

Just laugh like you’ve been laughing. It’ll chase them away. It’s your best weapon.

You sure you haven’t watched too much City of God?

Don’t forget the decoy handbag stuffed with bubblewrap.

I’m going to vomit.

Post Script: I booked my accommodation. Three blocks away from Ipanema Beach…with a swimming pool. In case, after I’ve sussed the situation out, am too terrified to leave the hostel premises. Am in a dorm so that I feel like 1) 18 years old, 2) a real backpacker 3) making friends.

Oh, and next week I’ll be in Israel. Fighting off suicide bombers. Great.

Fuck and bollocks.
Mixed with casual bubbling excitement.


kyknoord said...

Better yet - a decoy handbag stuffed with bubble wrap and vomit.

Peas on Toast said...


And South African rands.


Daverich said...

Hahahaa, I wish I read this before Rio. Spent three gorgeous days there. Foreign males are more of a target there, caiperinhas and loose women are a baaad mix in those nightclubs. The girls are just waiting to get you in a cab and take you out into the countryside where their boyfriend/brother/ pimp will mug you of all your money and clothes. It happened to my mate Deepak. But there are still good people and you are a Hillbrow touring South African female who knows her shit. You'll be fine!! Enjoy dude...

Peas on Toast said...

Daverich - you've been?? Oh thank God. Because another friend of mine just told me that I have another thing to worry about: Brazilians obsession with anal sex.


So are you saying I shouldn't drink caipirinhas in nightclubs, or are you saying I should be glad I'm a woman?

Dvaerich said...

Anal sex... wouldnt know! Be glad you're a women!! And drink caiparinhas, all the flavours. Mango, strawberry, they are gooood!

Peas on Toast said...

Daverich - I've heard there are hundreds of types of caipirnhas - how much fun?? And they use this potent cane in order to make them.

Just better walk around after caipirinha-drinking with armour on. ;)

fuzzy logic said...

I survived Sao Paolo (a hole, by the way) by myself - granted, I was there for work - but I walked around alone and I survived. Or maybe I'm just not good kidnapping fodder!
You'll have a great time, just keep the Saffer savviness about yourself.

Peas on Toast said...

Hey fuzzy logic! I reckon because I don't have big breasts and blonde hair and I have a mouth like a sewer I should be good right? xx

Mini said...


On anal sex my pal related an incident of a certain girl who was checking this dude and things started heating up.......anyway when he decideds to go thw WHOLE NINE YARDS this chick reckons that she a virgin and wants to stay one for her HUBBY so she tell him to go in through the BACKDOOR( I shit you not!)

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - no ways! So klet me get this right: she can have anal sex potentially 7890975 times, and she still reckons she's a virgin because she hasn't had it the traditional way??

Interesting indeed. Thinking out of the box....quite literally.

Whale said...

The Marmite Motorway runs through Brazil! No fucking way! Hahahaha - I must admit - I've heard that going the Bovril Boulevard route does save the old virginity - but seriously taking it in the Caramel courtyard must be quite sore and offputting eh Peas?

Peas on Toast said...

Whale: stop being revolting and fectch me a cuppa. You know the drill. ;)

po said...

hey peas, I have a feeeling it will be just fine. I have met so many Brazilians in the UK since I started capoeira, and so many British people who have been there. I have never heard anything too bad. Maybe you should join a day tour of Rio for your first day so you will feel safe, and you can suss out the city, and make friends too.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah thanks po :) Votes of confidence is exactly what I need right now. Yip am signing up for two tours in fact! Fuck, I should be in an old age home. Christ.

But I'm going on a favela tour and hopefully one of the city. So I should make some mates eh?

Ordinarylife said...

Pea's you really should take what your mother says a bit more seriously. It is a very dangerous..... Wait, don't you live in Jo'burg???

Peas on Toast said...

Ordinary - yes I live in maybe the second most dangerous city in the world. Bogota is number one, or so I'm told.

But then you see, here I am an old veteran. I know where I'm going, and it's not Diepsloot. :)

Anonymous said...

what the fuck,,

i cant believe what you said.
do you think that s.africa is scandinavia or something like that.

s. africa is a shitty country, which cant even hold a world cup in time.

Brazil is a paradise compare to this shittyhole named s.africa full of retarded and ugly people who like to burn immigrants.