Tuesday, October 21, 2008


If there's one universal thing on this planet- and besides everyone's genuine hatred of Nazi's – besides the Nazi's themselves – that is – is how people fucken drive in the rain.

OK maybe Britain is exempt from this particularly sterling disfortitude.
Only because they live their lives in the rain and wear black clothing to celebrate.

But suck on my non-existent malehood and call me The Stig, because when it starts to rain people drive like fucken retards.

The two thundershowers for the season have been swell, don't get me wrong. But seriously – it's called a clutch. And you don't have to drive like a geriatric with a Zimmer frame.

I think I've managed to get my headset right again regards to the no smoking thing. Haven't smoked since the weekend, so maybe there's hope for me yet.
I'm refraining and - except on afternoons when it rains and people publicly wank in the streets – it's cool.

Albeit I plan to spend the week cocooned in my house. Not smoking socially, literally, blows.
So I'll just hole myself in. Maybe if I just never go anywhere again it will be fine. FUCK. IT'S SO FUCKING UNFAIR! EX-SMOKERS WILL NEVER FEEL LIKE NON-SMOKERS. GOD. I AM SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND NOT HAPPY WITH THIS.

But it's fine. I don't need to go to wild parties every single night, and even if I did, I could easily drink 2 bottles of wine, become comatose and not remember to smoke. Because 2 glasses of wine only just EXACERBATES THIS EMPTY AWFUL FEELING THAT SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY MISSING.

Are you happy now? (Not quite sure who I am addressing.)

Awesome. Great.


I'm never going to be happy ever again! If I do smoke I'm unhappy because I hate myself for doing it, and if I don't smoke I'm unhappy because something is missing and social stuff sucks donkey dick.


Work, home, even cafe's! Basically ANY activity except jolling is fine without cigarettes. I don't crave them otherwise.

So what gives.

[Besides my frayed nerves?]

PS: Thank fuck for Californication. I'm just saying.
“I feel like an old woman whose uterus is falling out.”
Yeah me too.
“Seriously? You really know what that feels like? Because I was only being dramatic."

PS: Just because I love her so much, and because she's an absolute professional, and because she's going to rock the tits off this: take a look at The Little Black Book. Well done on your new website guys!


kyknoord said...

Cheer up, Peas. You can't live forever.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - yeah but apparently that's what you ahve to strive for. To live forever. Am I missing something?

icepick said...

Im on the same shitty, sinking boat as you. I gave up 6 months ago. Nerves are fucked! And about a month ago, I had a cigie after quenching a huge thirst.It tasted like shit. But now ive practically quit drinking, just to avoid the possibility of having another cigie.
Its like bloody mind control.

btw caps lock is on left side of keyboard :P

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - fuck. And fuck some more. You're six months along and still no change or enlightenment?? This is seriously depressing news, good GOD.
I'm just over a month along and will say that each and every cigarette I smoked over the weekend tasted so GODDAMN AMAZING, I had to close my eyes and savour it.

And Aallen Carr people are quick to say 'Don't give up your life (drinking etc), you've just stopped smoking!)
Well fuck it.

Am at a loss.

And will henceforth lock myself in and never emerge ever again.

I am so angry with...I don't even know who...I just want to scream.

Nessers said...

I have never smiked but people who give it up say everything tastes/smells better so why would you want to go back to it or even start in the first place. No judgements but maybee you are thinking about it too much. Good luck tho. A girl in my office recons it took her about 2 years to not miss it so from what I hear you have to committed to it long term Miss Peas

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers: so why would you want to go back to it or even start in the first place.

As a non smoker you could never understand this. Just like how I'd never understand a heroin or crack addiction or even PRETEND to understand it or offer advice.

You can't I'm afraid.

I tell my mother the same thing - she sings the same song as you.

For whatever reason I started smokign and for the reasons I'm giving up - remmeber this: smokers aren't idiots. We know what it did to us, we know that things taste better, etc etc. But an additcion is not a rational thing.

And right now I feel like putting toothpicks in my eyeballs.

icepick said...

Nessers, "people who give it up say everything tastes/smells better"

What like even your partners morning breathe?

Well honestly, I don't feel better. But its obviously healthier being a none smoker. Perhaps all those years need repairing.

There are other, more natural, feelings of euphoria that outrank a smoke on a stressful day. Like GABA, and gym etc. Although I cant say from experience if those endorphin thingies have actually helped my day.

icepick said...

But fuckit. Habits/addictions... Perhaps a certain personality just requires replacement instead of cold turkey.
You could replace cigies for something else? Like Crack mm yum yum haha

Lolly pop said...

Hey Peas

The only way to go is to take Zyban.
I stopped 3 months ago and never even thought about it again (OK< well that is a blatent lie), seriously, the stuff makes you feel like not smoking. Go get your hands on it NOW!!!

And yes, i do still have moments that send my husband dashing to the spare room to lock himself in, in pure fear for his life from the immenent attack from the crazed monster I become, but I really think it does make it a bit less painful.

Peas on Toast said...

Icepick - I have replaced my addiction with pies.


I actually feel like I'm stuck in this emotional prison cell riught now. Don't want to smoke but do want to smoke but don't want to smoke.

What a complete fuck up. :(

Lolly pop - the Allen Carr guys say I mustn't take it. So now I'm stuck in another conundrum: do I, don't I?

Someone take me off this planet. I just want to feel normal again!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the heads up sista malister!! come down to cape town and visit me soon we can smoke boom instead of tabac!!

Love you so much for your support!! xx

Peas on Toast said...

Anytime my little muffintop!

I'll come down to Cape Town and we can eat pies this time. And not set Devil's Peak alight :)

mylifescape said...

- at the end of the day you're fabulous coz you don't drive like a mofo in the rain! and that makes you fabulous by default - loving these joburg storms too ! hi5 to a bit of rain and thunder!

The Pete said...

People don't drive like idiots here in the UK because the traffic jams are so long the average speed is only something like 5 MPH.

And not to make you feel bad about the smoking, but I gave up over 4 years ago and for me, I still get severe cravings. Out of the blue, standing in a pub I have a massive urge to join the others outside for a nicotine hit.

Peas on Toast said...

mylifesacpe - why thank you. I tend to think I drive like a professional racing car driver in the rain :)

The Pete - FOUR YEARS.

Should I off myself now, or wait until after lunch??

zuzula said...

you're right about Britain - i can't remember the last time i got in my car and it *wasn't* raining! perhaps that's why I'm such a perennially bad driver ;)

Yeah, the drinking/smoking thing is a bitch. I find it helps if I just tell new smoking friends that I don't smoke, and not that I used to - if they think you've given up they'll spend the entire night trying to tempt you back onto them again! Saying no to one cigarette is a lot easier than saying no to 9 or 10...

Peas on Toast said...

Zuzula - ahhhh man, for sure. I do say that. I sort of just mumble that I don't smoke. While staring unblinkedly at their box of smokes.

Good God, am I in perpetual hell?

jesuschill said...

Why not try a smokeless tobacco product to get over the habit of smoking?
Red Bull snuff - okay, it's currently only available in the UK but that stuff is fucking SEXY. And fun.
Or snus. Maybe not so great, but hey presto - no more manic cravings and the best part is that nobody knows you're doing it.

Don't do Zyban. That's a serious drug that's killed made people kill themselves. I don't see that as the lesser of two evils.

Peas on Toast said...

Jesuschill - kiff name by the way -
thing is those tobaccoless smoking products are never the same. Ever.
I think I'm just going to have to...lock myself away and ring a bell every so often. It worked for that hunchback guy.


zuzula said...

well... it's twee but have you thought about putting the cash you would have spent on cigs into a shoe fund or something? I actually got a new car with mine! Whenever I think about fags now I look at that instead...

Peas on Toast said...

Nope, but I suppose I could always think of a bigger picture...as in 'global economic crisis' and 'expenditure in case aliens descend from space and impregnate our livestock while all the banks close down....'

This gloom and doom is a real gas...

Whale said...

Dude - what happened to our agreement? You're now literally the black (as tar) sheep in the office. It doesn't take a fucking baggage handler to give up smoking.

Peas on Toast said...

Whale - fuck you you little baggage handler.

You smoked 80000 cigarettes in Greece.

Whale said...

That's a lie and you know it! I had like 3-4 puffs only. Slotter.

Peas on Toast said...

Whale - who ate all the chocolates?

Mini said...


I need to fuckin quit man! HELP!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - dude I have no idea. I've stopped though. I went off the wagon but I think I'm going to be alright.

Can I suggest Allen Carr? Mayeb it'll work 100% for you!