After finally mastering Stayin' Alive, and reveling in the fact that me and Chester are most popular in our dance class,
(No really, they love us. Perhaps it's the petulance towards basic rythmatic disposition, but the rest of the team? They fucking love us.)
Anyway when it comes to this non-smoking thing, I have an amazing idea, and it might even be pleasant.
I mean, I haven't smoked again. I am alright.
When I am not alright is around alcohol and other people.
These people are either:
a) Fucking annoying
b) I don't know them that well
c) They're talking about babies
d) Or colours for their wedding napkins
e) Or hysterectomies
e) Or I just need something to break the ice
f) Or I'm frightfully bored
g) All of the above
And usually all of these are fueled by alcohol.
These factors make me want to inhale cigarettes through every orifice in my face, nevermind just my mouth.
So I had a brainwave.
I'm going to train myself.
I'm going to drink three glasses of red wine every single night until I get used to alcohol without cigarettes. Once I conquer that, maybe I can tolerate the above smoke-free.
Red wine always worked for the French.
In fact, I am really enjoying switching from the tarty white. The red is juicy and delicious, and all be damned – it tastes particularly good when I'm soaking in the bath tub.
If I manage to not turn into a red wine alcoholic, and become so accustomed to red wine without the smoke, then maybe I can almost tolerate, and even slightly enjoy people, who whine about shit I don't give a crap about.
Because four years of craving (as someone commented yesterday, it took him this long to feel normal again) is like someone saying to me,
In Hell, someone will remove your toenails with pliers everyday for eternity, while Slobadan Milosevic sings Christmas carols in your ear.
So I will train myself by drinking exorbitant amounts of red wine from here on out. Posh people in the south of France have been getting away with it for years.
It's not cane, it's not gin, it's le vin rouge.
This one dude told me that for six weeks non-stop, after giving up smoking, he threw himself with reckless abandon back into the club scene.
After not going out for three years. He went straight into the abyss of sin, basically remaining on a liquid diet for weeks on end.
Being completely blotto pretty much in all his spare time.
And good for him. He never smoked again. He trained himself to deal.
I'm going to do what he does, but to a less dramatic degree.
At least when I have red wine lying around.
PS: Also makes me fuck off horny. Hell.