Wednesday, October 22, 2008

wining not smoking

After finally mastering Stayin' Alive, and reveling in the fact that me and Chester are most popular in our dance class,

(No really, they love us. Perhaps it's the petulance towards basic rythmatic disposition, but the rest of the team? They fucking love us.)

Anyway when it comes to this non-smoking thing, I have an amazing idea, and it might even be pleasant.
I mean, I haven't smoked again. I am alright.
When I am not alright is around alcohol and other people.

These people are either:

a) Fucking annoying
b) I don't know them that well
c) They're talking about babies
d) Or colours for their wedding napkins
e) Or hysterectomies
e) Or I just need something to break the ice
f) Or I'm frightfully bored
g) All of the above

And usually all of these are fueled by alcohol.

These factors make me want to inhale cigarettes through every orifice in my face, nevermind just my mouth.

So I had a brainwave.
I'm going to train myself.

I'm going to drink three glasses of red wine every single night until I get used to alcohol without cigarettes. Once I conquer that, maybe I can tolerate the above smoke-free.

Red wine always worked for the French.
In fact, I am really enjoying switching from the tarty white. The red is juicy and delicious, and all be damned – it tastes particularly good when I'm soaking in the bath tub.

If I manage to not turn into a red wine alcoholic, and become so accustomed to red wine without the smoke, then maybe I can almost tolerate, and even slightly enjoy people, who whine about shit I don't give a crap about.

Because four years of craving (as someone commented yesterday, it took him this long to feel normal again) is like someone saying to me,
In Hell, someone will remove your toenails with pliers everyday for eternity, while Slobadan Milosevic sings Christmas carols in your ear.

So I will train myself by drinking exorbitant amounts of red wine from here on out. Posh people in the south of France have been getting away with it for years.

It's not cane, it's not gin, it's le vin rouge.

This one dude told me that for six weeks non-stop, after giving up smoking, he threw himself with reckless abandon back into the club scene.
After not going out for three years. He went straight into the abyss of sin, basically remaining on a liquid diet for weeks on end.

Being completely blotto pretty much in all his spare time.
And good for him. He never smoked again. He trained himself to deal.

I'm going to do what he does, but to a less dramatic degree.

At least when I have red wine lying around.

PS: Also makes me fuck off horny. Hell.


Sadie said...

That is really quite clever. Try to watch out for the red wine drinking nose though. Or is that just for old men who drink gin and tonic? meh

Reading about your agony has made me decide never to give up smoking. Who needs better taste and smell anyway. Superfluous senses when you think about it.

(Really though, I hope the wine plan works)

harold said...

for this little training exercise you will obviously need a training ground/field/track. i will suggest the WineX at the sandton convention centre next week. not only will there be samples of your favourite fermented grape juice (red is the new white darlin…), but i have it on good authority that some of the wine makers are, bad-metaphorically speaking, with ball(s) and no chain. use it. don’t use it.

Peas on Toast said...

Sadie - oh hell, my bitching was never meant to make people NOT give up! So I hereforth shove my agony under the carpet and declare, 'Give up! You will feel more vibrant, smell better, be a little cranky for a while, but you will be better for it!'

I mean from my standpoint, this wine tastes grrrreat!

I'll be your wine partner if you do :)

Harold - Ah WineX is back! Hooray! I think I shall do just that, and thanks harold. Just might have to avoid the poncy 'I know sooo much about my nectar' types, but but I suppose I can always move onto the next wine maker! ;)

Nessers said...

all that red wine will make your teeth discoloured (seriously) so make regular dentist appointments to have them properly cleaned and bleached when necessary but other than that I see no problem with your plan hehe

Peas on Toast said...

Oh God, there's always something.

I suppose I could go and get them polished anyway. Or maybe flip between red and white??




OK thanks for the tip Nessers .:)

Revolving Credit said...

OK, now I have visions of your whacking off to a UB40 song.

"...feeling fine, all of the time"

Not good before I've finished off my 1st cup of coffee for the morning.

Nessers does have a point though.a Maybe out of all of this you'll get to meet a cute dentist??

Not quite sure whether that was her point, but thats my read on it.

Anonymous said...

i quit smoking for 7 months and about 3 weeks ago i bumped into my ex with his new girlfriend and now im back to square one aaargh!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - a cute dentist? Is there such a thing?


Anon - oh dear. That'll teach him! Kidding, that can definitely happen.

I was already smoking before THAT happened to me.
It didn't affect me at all, amazingly.

Whale said...

Everyone who reads this blog barring me is lame. Quit smoking people - it's actually lank easy and you're a loser if you whine and think you can't. And no - smoking 4 cigarettes on a weekend doesn't mean you've quit smoking - when you don't smoke cigarettes (period) you've quit smoking.

Charl said...

Peas, PLEASE! for fuck sakes! It's not THAT difficult! I quit 9th July last year, had cravings for one whole day and said to my brain: Listen man, piss off, you don't need this shit anymore! It's as simple as that!
No, really, it is! If you smoke again I will take back what I gave you...
Yes, its the same Charl.
Dont dissapoint me man! You are bigger than this shit!

About the red wine: Can't go wrong. Stay away from the really cheap stuff. It give you TB.

Peas on Toast said...

Whale - so you really only quite AFTER Greece then? ;)

The Pie Slotter

Charl - no it's not that hard, about 70% of the time. I only have an issue in social situations and where alcohol is concerned.
And yes you're very right - I am bigger than this shit :0
Thanks for the little pep talk my boy. xx

kyknoord said...

I dunno, Peas. The world markets crashed when you stopped smoking. This may or may not be a coincidence.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - I agree. People started pulling out of their investments the moment they heard I was clean.

Then Lehman's crashed. And the rest is history. :)

Mini said...


Your description of those people from a to g is exactly the way I feel.I wana somtimes shove a tampon in their mouths just to shut them up!

Hey on the red wine....

I hope NOT to see you on the street corner singing "Red red wine you make me feel so fine!"...and collecting for your next dop!

Miss T said...

Brilliant plan! Better than stuffing your face with engen pies I guess :)

Peas on Toast said...

Miss T - yeah and even though Whale calls me Pie Slotter, the chicken & mushroom is overrated now.

Bring on the WINE!

Ali Campbell said...

Red,red wine,stay close to meeeee!

Nessers said...

I have THE cutest dentist ever his name is Dr "THe cute one" cos I keep forgetting to ask the receptionist his name - his No however is 011 782 5437 - he works in Linden but it is so worth the drive

Peas on Toast said...

Ali - Wine will be sloe to me tonight, let me tell you!

Nessers - Ooh. Thing is: dude, a dude looking into your mouth, I'm not sure if I can cross the romantic divide with that. Worth a shot though, thanks for the number! :)

po said...

Wine is one of you daily portions of fruit,all part of a balanced diet.

Peas on Toast said...

po - Touche! And doing it with Grapetiser isn't HALF as fun :)

Ches said...

Ali Campbell, don't stop now...

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - Shadow...shadow..I'm waiting waiting..shadow shadow

Ches said...

a squirrel squirrel...a lion lion....

Julie said...

de-lurking to comment:
re the stained teeth thingy - just drink it through a straw - seriously. It works.

BTW "ex-smokers" can eventually become non-smokers - I have gone from a pack a day to being one of the most self-righteous born-again non-smokers ever. Unfortunately I exchanged one bad habit for another, and am now addicted to Woolies Chuckles (but only the RED bags). So now I have clean breath and an ass you could park a boeing on......

Peas on Toast said...

Julie - hi babe! A straw hey? I was never drinking red wine every night to appear cultured, so I might as well :)

Even if the neighbours see me drinking from a straw from my balcony, who gives a stuff :)

Chuckles. Hmm - I'm loving pies right now. I think Chuckles is a lesser evil. Because if I don't stop, Whale will call me Pie Slotter forever and I'll have an airport on my ass, not just a boeing.


Wazzie said...

I went to a hypnotist on Sat to stop smoking - I should have known it was a bad plan when I had to drive to Benoni to his house, I should have stopped and got back in the car when I noticed he was a pot bellied, comb over guy in all black with big gold bracelets - but noooo the need to stop was too great! So I went through it - threw myself into the process whole heartedly - left didnt smoke for 12 hrs and yup I was drinking with friends (seriously I didnt even crave one) then I got pissed off not even sure why and its back to my 20 a day! What a waste of money and petrol and cultural sanity!!

Peas on Toast said...

Oh shite Wazzie! A pony from Benoni with gold bracelets and a pot belly -that's a scary image. Am sorry it didn't work - hypnotherapy was my next tactic. I'm still not smoking after the weekend, so I guess this Allen Carr method was better than I thought.

Hope you manage to come right!