Thursday, October 23, 2008

large ladies & breaking chairs (not inter-related)

Frightfully rotund box eaters prevail. Be warned.

But first, thanks mein kleinen pflaumenstreuselskuchen for making me and Whale's day yesterday. We laughed solidly for about 4 hours after you shared this SABC clip. Holy mother of God:
Don't you love how the chair first creaks?
The chair cracks a little, his eyes avert only ever so slightly, and he continues... “It's actually up to members of parliament to actually [crack!] digest...and um go through...the documentation...”

He hesitates and you can then see that his mind is no longer on the speech, but rather he's inwardly panicking, Jesus fuck, may this chair not break on national television. Please. Please!
You know what's coming, and then it's like slow motion...he falls, scrambles....the papers...and then The Hand.
The Hand is in the air long after the dude has fallen.

Watched this about 4 579 times yesterday and laughed so hard, I nearly dropped an ovary. Whale could hardly walk; I found it difficult to control my bladder.

OK, tell me what Freud would have to say about this, would you. Because any way I look at it? It makes as much sense as visiting Scunthorpe on a wet day when the pub is closed.

I'm only going to tell you my dream because – well it's completely fucked up, and hell, it's nothing I have ever experienced before. And hopefully never ever will. So God help me.

Right. So here goes.
I had a dream last night that involved fisting a bulldyke the size of a house.

Not Alicia Keys, not a hot Venezuelan bird, not even Rosie O'Donnell. Although very close.

The woman that inhabited my dreams was a manbian version of the Michelin Man who'd eaten 8 000 Maccy D's burgers.
This was the muse of my sub-conscious last night. She was like one of those feeder specimen's you see on a Discovery Channel documentary.

Let me reiterate: I can appreciate a good rack. I can appreciate great boobs, I can appreciate a beautiful woman. But that's where it ends. I have no interest in vajayjay.
Except for my own poen, of course.

I can appreciate beauty as much as the next woman.
However, I am only into penis. Nomthondo is my poison. Great big throbbing willys are my vibe.
Not vajayjay. Especially not vajayjay on a woman the size of a Volvo.

And so there I was, sitting on a roof of a house (?), where suddenly this enormous bitch came to join me, completely nekkid.
I couldn't see much through the fat rolls, but I remember thinking, in my dream, This woman needs ac. I'm going to give her a good time. I'm going to relieve this huge creature of her stress and help her out. Woman on woman.

Let's face it – women know how women's appliances work, so to speak.

So there I was, kissing her boobies, and fondling her, ewww, I can't even finish the sentence. But I basically had intimate sexual relations with this butter ball, and it wasn't half bad, let me tell you.

How fucking scary is that?

The worst part is that I woke up and didn't feel repulsed. I woke up feeling rather fucking chuffed with myself. If not slightly horny. In the dream I'd enjoyed myself immensely. And she seemed to seriously enjoy what I did to her right back.

What. the. fuck.
I mean, it was erotic to the eyeballs and off-the-charts kinky. But make no mistake: not my kind of kinky.

Erotic for maybe 0,0000002 seconds. I'm not a regular visiter on www.chickswithdicks.com/fatcarpetmunchers.

And I am not a fan of the fanbelt. I love dick. Maybe it's my new red wine liquid diet? In short: what would Freud say? Or Karl Jung?

35 comments:

Tower said...

Peas. Dude. Even in dreams we still have the power to step away from the vajajay...but I love your balls bud. This post made hitting work hard a 5 thirsty (AM) just a little more fun. Not sure what your banter's doing to my writing style though. Good for save the world business plans? Not so much. You're keep my faith in the Jozi Passive well alive...these slaapenaars are killing me. Love. Your. Work.

harold said...

i think its time i give you the directions to Crescent Clinic (fontaine de la vie nogal!). it seems like they have wi-fi and padded keyboards.

Peas on Toast said...

Tower - 5:30? 5:30AM? You were working? Fuck me on a boat Tower, that's impressive!

Yeah, I'm sorry to share - but what can I? I'm traumatised.

Love YOUR work. Thanks guy :)

Peas on Toast said...

harold - ahahaha, DON'T JOKE. I...know where it is, it's just that I don't live in Cape Town. Solly. ;)

Tower said...

before they lock you up mate. I can help. If you want. Doing the long distance so working on my freaken masters in stepping away from the strange vajayjay...I can can even turn it down it dreams now girl. Wow. Hello Blue Balls my old friend but its so gooood to be clean. Word....but YOU got no need to step away so get in there dreamy sista and enjoy;-) Harold be nice. Dreams are safe spaces.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks [Ivory] Tower :)

I just don't understand why I wasn't dreaming about penises. I mean, in the conscious world, it's really all I think of. Not ALL I think, but you know whaddimean. ;)

Tower said...

don't panic peas. I scored a fugly boy in a dream recently. Maybe its a denying yourself thing. You know mos dreams got DICK to do with reality;) I say all you had was great sex on a roof. Nothing odd there. Maybe its a prelude to some real off the wall penis action. Infact i'm sure that's it. Have a goodie when it comes. Laters

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Tower, you're absolutely right. The factor that I don't understand is the fact that she was so enormously large. * shudder *.

But hey, it was a dream. And that's all that counts :)

Tower said...

(Large ain't nothing but a volume and Rule #2's Most Action's Good Action. Bask in the big poen action afterglow ;))

Peas on Toast said...

I don't think I can Tower.

I'm going to focus on the chair-cracking incident. It's way more palatable ;)

Tower said...

Ha.I wish I could see a post match interview. Man I'd love him to have a sense of humour about it. You can tell alot about a guy who goes over on national TV. I think I like him.

Peas on Toast said...

Tower apparently this clip has been all over radio and has been viewed well over 12 000 times on YouTube.

I'm telling you, he's the next Vernon Koekemoer.

Tower said...

Yeah. Was spreading like wild fire yesterday morning already. Hear his 11 year old came home from school in tears. That ain't cool though.

Peas on Toast said...

Yip I heard she came home in tears too. That part isn't so great, but the dude has to laugh at himself. I mesan come ON - IT'S HIGH-LARIOUS!

I can't get enough.

harold said...

au contraire dame pois, they have a lovely facility snuggled nicely between the rhema church and the BP express in Randburg. for your convenience of course.

"DON'T JOKE. I...know where it is,.." so you were the girl next door...

Peas on Toast said...

harold - Randburg? RONTBURG??

The appeal is ALL lost now china.

Mini said...

Holy fuck dude.

You weird you know!(in a good way though)

I think maybe you just warped upstairs!( I probably laughed more at your post than the YOU tube video)

kyknoord said...

Cooking classes! Your subconscious is telling you that it wants to learn how to stuff a turkey.

Whale said...

Dude, I'm lank disappointed in how shallow you are! Not everyone can have an 'athletic' figure and slot pies all the time like yourself. Some of us are rounder (read: fat) - doesn't mean we don't get or give great action.

Stop being so shallow - fat chicks are more keen.

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - this baggage handler left the building years ago.
;)

Kyk - that is rank bro. RANK. But there's nothing like a good stuffing, let's face it. It's very festive.

Whale - speaking of shallow, where's my fucken coffee? ;)

Bless thanks for the pie slotter versus athletic comment. Pity the pies aren't making my boobies grow.
Don't worry mate, that washboard stomach is only a few weeks away!

SheBee said...

Dooooooooood.

That is the funniest shit I've read in ages.

I dream of Lindsay Lohan weekly. Nothing hectic like you though, you freak.

Peas on Toast said...

Sheena - FIRECROTCH??

Oh jesus. Dude. That's well shameful!!

SheBee said...

Peas. Don't mess with the Lohan.

:( I know, though.

Peas on Toast said...

Dude that is so hectic.

Fanta Pants.

I need some air.

SheBee said...

Fanta Pants?! Good gawd, I have actual tears here. That is fucking hysterical.

FANTA PANTS!

Peas on Toast said...

Dude by association, I' m going to get gingervistis from you.

This is not a laughing matter!!

SheBee said...

I just heard ginger ninjas the world over give out an outcry of shame and disappointment :)

po said...

Oh god that clip is hilarious, made me snort out loud.

As to the dream, well, you did a good deed, you made a lady's day- public service?

Peas on Toast said...

po - ed zachery. She seemed to, at least from my standpoint, thoroughly enjoy it.

Eeek. I'm going to vomay.

Be right back.

Revolving Credit said...

The return of Jabulani Nomthondo!!

So tell me, did you satisfy her???
Or was the whole thing about you??

Peas on Toast said...

See, Rev, women? They reap satisfcation by satisfying.

They don't just keep banging away in hope something miraculously happens. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

I wouldn't call it banging...you were using your fist.

That kinda qualifies as punching...I think!

So you knock her lights out did you??

-So Peas, what you do last nite??
-Nothing much, just punched some fat chick!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well, sure. It makes me seem very....manly though.

Wwhich is worrying. Gonna wear dresses for the rest of next week!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Um...um...um.... Say what? Peas? Is that you?
Ok...who's hacked Peas' blog??

Wait...this IS you posting isn't it?
Dude. I have no words. We can no longer be friends. Just saying.

Maybe the 3Talk chick would be interested...also just saying.

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie *whimpers * but it's not my fault!!

And no, I'M NOT INTO NOELEEN!

Don't make me even imagine it!

(I'm just saying!!)