Thursday, October 09, 2008

no bro

Things I Hate Right Now:

- Feeling like I am going a bit mental and the questioning of my own sanity
- That my Top Shop jean pant are feeling toight
- Salad
- tHE FACT THAT i ALWAYS SEEM TO BE WRITING LIKE THIS LATELY. aND ONLY AFTER LIKE FIVE PARAGRAPHS DO i REALISE THAT THE FUCKING CAPS LOCK IS STILL ON. tHIS IS HAPPENING TOO REGULARLY THESE DAYS. aND i CAN'T BE FUCKED TO CHANGE IT.
- The global economic crisis. Not enjoying that so much.
- My mother's neurotic email about the fucking global economic crisis. Which put the fear of God into me.

To: peasontoast@gmail.com
From:mrstoast@emailaddress.com

Subject: Crisis
[who puts 'crisis' in an email subject line without inciting instantaneous panic and neuroticism? - Ed].

Peas.
I don't want you to panic or anything [um...] but you need to start buying Baked Beans and not spend another cent for the rest of eternity because the entire planet is going to come to a grinding halt and we're all going to die while sex starved aliens steal our brains and impregnate our livestock.

Mum.


This email - the sentiment thereof - got right under my skin, as my mother so intended. And I am tossing and turning right now as a result, having succumbed to quiet cups of tomato Cuppa Soup at home.
Nobody makes soup in a cup like Royco Cuppa Soup.

More Things I Hate Right Now:

- People who drive in the fast lane at painfully slow speeds
- When your card gets rejected at the till because you forgot to transfer money into it, and the dude behind the counter says loudly 'DECLINED', and the whole queue automatically judges you.

And Things I Love Right Now:

- A man in a tie

- Woolworth's croutons. Mate, I eat these like snacks right now. I'm buying croutons like how people buy Lays. Just knocking them back, sans soup, because they're so crunchy and beautifully packaged.

- The Dove and her asking at dinner last night while holding up my bottle of ouzo, "Is this shit lethal enough to take my nail polish off? No seriously...will it?"

- Being able to sit on my balcony in a t-shirt that has shrunk in the wash and a pair of granny pants dancing shorts and not freeze my tochas off.

- French jokes. And I am allowed because of my a) Francophile ancestry and b) because we were fucking royal. Bad French jokes like "Why do the French eat so much garlic? So that blind people hate them too."

- Guido Hatzis, Australia's own Whackhead Simpson, but better:
You'll believe in God when I take my shird off, alride mate. Less talking, more plumbing.

17 comments:

SheBee said...

Dude. Where the fuck do you buy Royco Tomato?

I've looked for it everywhere here. Even Cath has heard me whining about it.

SEND ME SOME ROYCO TOMATO!

Peas on Toast said...

Sheebs - hilarious. I bought it at the Engen Quik Shop on William Nicol in Parkmore, to be specific.

At least I think it's Royco. It could just as easily be Knorr.

Sadie said...

Kudos on the three week no smoking stint. Still hell on earth or getting slightly less painful?

I can't believe how much will power you have. First was sobriety and now your a non smoker. Your next challenge is celibacy. And then all three at once!

Peas on Toast said...

Sadie - Are you TRYING TO KILL ME? ;)

Listen I still want to live ok. Which means I can only give one thing up at one time, or else I might as well move to Alaska and resume the life of a nomad who eats raw fish and stares at the sky??

But thank you - you DO make me sound very strong and disciplined, and I must say I am awfully proud of myself! :)

Mandy de Waal said...

Bloody hell - the other white meat cracks me up big time. Good one!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Mandy :)

I thought of doing fish, but I'll save that for when another large bank goes bust and closes down.

kyknoord said...

I wouldn't worry too much about the economic crisis, because when they get the LHC working again, the earth will implode. Then you'll probably feel like a right chump for giving up smoking, but hey - you can't have it all. In any case, even if you could, where would you put it?

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - I know. I'm starting to wonder WHY I gave up. Since the aliens are coming and all.

We should all take up crack.

(Not up the crack, just crack).

Revolving Credit said...

Mmm....sounds like nicotine withdrawal's a bitch.

Red meat a bit to expensive..well then, coming soon to a national holiday near you:

Calamari & Cock Day

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - wahahahahaaaa

Nicotine? What's that?
Calamari rings on a cock...hmmmm, sounds like a good game.

Revolving Credit said...

Well, we'll know things are tough when all we can afford is Miele Meal & Masturbate Day

Revolving Credit said...

or Pap & Poen Day??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - correct.

wahahah :)

Mini said...

Amazing how Americans finances are in a muddle yet when they sneeze we catch the cold.

I blame bloody speculators and futures traders!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - I blame McCain.

Think again. Think McCain.

po said...

Pap and poen? Brilliant!

McCain are a range of frozen vegetables in the UK.

You mom sounds like my dad, he also loves to instill fear in my heart. Your mom has succeeded in making me nervous now? What aliens?

Peas on Toast said...

po - if there's nothing to worry about, as in life is just perfect in every possible way, my mum will make it her mission to find something to worry about. For her it's not natural to just relax.

McCain is also a frozen vegetable range here too. But as far as I'm concerned, he's a vegetable in the States too. Barack forever!