Tuesday, December 09, 2008

it's too late to start a braai

Was pondering the types of sex two people can have.
There's so much scope when it comes to sexercise. It's not like running on the treadmill day-in, day-out and there's only one way you can run: forward. And with formidable stride.

There's the gentle shagging on the rug type;
There's the take me on the countertop where I'm not wearing underwear but am wearing a skirt type
There's the let's have sex in this secluded rock pool type
There's the is everyone out of the office yes they are let's take advantage of the scanner surface type
There's the get on me in the passenger's seat type
There's the hell look at this view let's may hay on the bonnet type
There's the public-private enterprise under a park bench hidden by foliage type
There's the I have no time for foreplay missionary bang bang type
There's the sit on top of me and ride me like a showhorse in the Olympics type
There's the spank my ass like you're my Std 4 teacher and I mean it type
There's the you dress up like a nurse and I'll dress up like a doctor type
There's the let's make love in the club on the couch on the table on the bar on the floor on the barcounter type (but you usually have to be an r&b star called Usher to pull this off without getting arrested)
There's the touch me like that one more I'm going to pull you across the table and have my way with you type
There's the I'm taking a shower, you want in type
There's the hang on you're not wearing doondies that's a pleasant surprise type
There's the this bath isn't enough for the two of us but let's try type
There's the I'd like reinact the scene in Legends Of The Fall type (before he goes mental and dies)

Basically, there are a multitude of ways to fornicate. I'm just saying.

On another topic, been getting a lot of questions about the characters in my book.”Who is that person?” “Is that person that person?” “Is that person real or not real?”
And my favourite: “That person thinks that this person is that person.”
And other variations thereof:
“Is it true that this person is actually that person?”
“My mother read your book and wants to know if hat person is that person or this person.”

And the best really:
“Am I this person?”
“Is that me?”
“Is that me mixed with a bit of that person?”

I can't remember which person is which anymore, myself. In fact, is anybody real? That is the question. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking with it.

The Dove stayed over last night, so I could help her with some work. She's a funny sleeper though, generally doesn't sleep at all and came through from the couch in the middle of the night but couldn't fit into my bed – so had to sleep on my study floor.
“Why didn't you just get into my bed?”
“Because you were spread out like Christ on the cross. That's why.”

She had crafted earplugs out of cottonwool balls which she'd stuffed into her ears so to block the sound of the traffic out. And sang It's Too Late To Start A Braai to it's It's Too Late To Apologise in the shower this morning.

Yes, sometimes I miss having having a flamate.


tyrone said...

I'm pretty much game for all of those. Everyone single one. Wouldn't say no to a thing on that list.

Which one(s) are you?

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - all of them. And more :)

tyrone said...

Ahhhh Peas you just become more and more perfect all the time!!

Some of those sound dangerous though! And the problem is people get more and more daring with alcohol which also makes balance a little precarious! Imagine the injuries!

That would actually make an interesting survey... "What's your favourite sex injury"?

Peas on Toast said...

Oooooh interesting indeed - I could poll it on the RHS actually, and throw out a few 'FSI's (favourite sexual injuries). I'd say my worst is carpet burn. Not lovely. My favourite...hmmmm..walking like John Wayne the next day? Is that an injury?? ;)

tyrone said...

ha ha ha! more like big flashing billboard saying I got me some seriaaaas action!

I don't know if I have a worst... Showers can be dangerous! So can car bonnets!

But then beach sand can be painful too!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah...never forget to take a towel! :)

(See Southpark IS edumacashunal!)

Revolving Cellphone said...

All this sex talk...when exactly is that date you're going on?

Sounds like you have rather high hopes?
Or to rephrase..Great Sexpectations?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev Cellphone - are you Revolving Credit in disguise?

haha, if ONLY you knew. ;)

tyrone said...


Maybe something sexpactular happened last night which has made our little Peas somewhat sexually creative?

tyrone said...

Now that I read it again I'm not so sure on making sexpactular a word! Sounds SO dodge!

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - I LOVE that word - Sexpactular! Sextastic word there guy :)

Mini said...


On singing in the shower...

My Bio teacher in school oneday claims that a survey states that 40% of people wank in the shower and 60% sing......Anyway he asks this one dude "So whats your song bru?"...to which the guy replied,"Sir I do not sing in the shower!"....This was followed my burst out of of laughter from the entire class!

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - ahahahaha! Are their stats for people that sing and wank in the shower?

Revolving Mobile said...

So Peazle, singing & wanking in the shower?

Now the question is, are you wanking like a rockstar or singing like a wanker?

Peas on Toast said...

Hey, I was just asking. Doesn't mean I do such activities! ;) I do prefer the bath. I wank like a rock star...and sing like...Mariah Carey.


Revolving Handset said...

I thought you'd sing like Alicia Keyes?

But since she turns you on, singing like her would probably have the same effect and make you wank like a rockstar or is that wanking because of a rockstar??

This train of thought does possibly explain why some rockstars seem to be real wankers?

Peas on Toast said...

Handset - more importantly, atre you a Nokia or sone of those useless iPhone thingies?

Alicia is hot, but I don't have a voice of a nightingale. But you don't need that to sing (and wank, frankly). What you need is : libido, balls and enthusiasim. In my humble opinion of course.

tyrone said...

A good imagination helps too!

And one thing a shower does have over a bath is that it washes away quickly.

A bath just clings...

Revolving 3G said...

What type of handset am I?
Why, do you want to press my buttons?

For a quickie, press speed dial!


So, apparently you have balls?

tyrone said...

So you like sexpactular then? Isn't sextacular easier on the tongue? Excuse the pun! :)

tyrone said...

Are you packing Peas?

Can you say she-male?

Revolving Handsfree said...

Tyrone, next time you're spanking the monkey in the bath, try running some water into the bath first - it tends to make the bath less clingy

tyrone said...

But I like it a little rough.

tyrone said...

And if I'm not bruised then I haven't worked hard enough.

Revolving Blueteeth said...

You said bruised? Kinda like over ripe fruit?
So, your banana really is a banana?
Doesn't it get a bit sticky down there?

tyrone said...

Depends on what I'm doing with it.

Peas on Toast said...

Holy fuckballs! I nip out for a coffee and I have the bluetooth cellphone and tyrone in a ballsy bath wank debate.

This is another reason why I love blogging :)

Do carry on chaps... :)

Revolving SMS said...

The problem with over ripe fruit is that all it tends to attract are flys.

It's kinda bad if you have to bug spray your crotch all the time??

Peas on Toast said...

Charming. Yeeeesh.

Your girlfriend having a issue down there?

Revolving Voicemail said...

So Peazle, answer the question - Do you actually have balls or are they just a pair of mushy peas?

Peas on Toast said...

Revolving phonestuff - no I don't have testicles. Although they must be fun to have...you know to play with and stuff. Right?

Anonymous said...

From positions to wanking in the shower???WTF????? How did this come about??

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah I have to ask myself the same thing...not sure. This happens from time to time. Sexually perverse breeds sexually perverse, kind of thing, I guess.

Revolving Off-Peak said...

How did this all come about?
Well, it's all about cumming, isn't it.

So Peas, you like ballgames?

Ever done it on a pooltable?

That's a new position to add to the list. One foot each wedged in an opposing pocket, the cue swiftly striking forward, the ball heading towards the hole.

Not sure about chalking the tip though???

Peas on Toast said...

Offpeak, hahaha hilarious!
I must say I have enever had the honours on a pool table - so there IS still a first for everything - better add it to my list! :)

tyrone said...

Peas, having balls is truly, truly, truly AWESOME! :-) They're like our best friends - they go everywhere with us, help us make decisions, never talk back and they're always keen for a little bit of A-C-T-I-O-N! Did I say truly awesome?

Unless they get kicked. That's not awesome at all! Chafing isn't nice either.

Oh, and you don't want them blue either. Trust me.

If you do do a pool table make sure all the balls are pocketed. You don't want them landing up in the wrong place.

The Blonde Blogshell said...

Good grief... now that post made me hot. I'm trying to think of more variations to add to your list of sextacular sex.

Oh and I was guilty of the: So who is who??

I finished the book on Saturday morning and I was really bummed that it was finished...I WANT BOOK 2!! Yes. This is a tantrum.

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - oooh well if you come up with any sextacular ideas, I'm in! :)

Thanks for your compliments about the book, you're a star! I'm starting Buch Number Two on my holiday :)
Writing by HAND, though. On trains and buses :)

tyrone said...

I haven't read the book yet. Does that make me a bad blog addict?

kyknoord said...

You should cut your friends some slack. I frequently wake up and think, "who the fuck am I?"

Heidi Van Kleef said...

I do wonder wherever you get the time you put in to this blog. Man....Do you know Sean Bosman?

I'm just asking. No harm in asking. You know, just a question...

Peas on Toast said...

Tyrone - nah, of course not! ;)

Kyk - so do I punk. So do I.

Heidi - my time management skills are out of this world. Word. :)
Have no idea who 'Sean Bosman' is though, sorry!