Thursday, December 11, 2008

tits up

Went round to an old friend's last night for a few glasses of fermented grape.
Talk turned to the global economic recession – as it does – and as gloom descended on us like a wet blanket – her brother, an economist, walked in and told us exactly how tit's up everything is:

“Chaps, secure your place in the soup queue because it's going to become a whole lot worse.”

Jesus. Pass me another glass of wine.

(Whilst pushing all thought of piano purchase to back of brain, also considering the dang thing is so out of tune, it sounds like the background accompaniment to The Ring 2. So can't even play the fucking thing right now, without making people die on the spot from aural sodomisation.)

Anyway, lest us not forget, we've managed to avoid being a part of two world wars, but if it's bad now, shit is going to hit the fan next year.

“Imagine though, “ says my friend brightly (might've been the wine), “all the hot guys that one could potentially meet in a soup queue.”

But I'm thinking, will we be able to afford shampoo? With which to wash our locks?

You're standing in the bogroll & bread line, waiting for your one ply, when Usher strolls up behind you, takes one hard look at your hair and thinks, “This economic crisis blows. This chick needs Pantene like I need my Hummer to be de-impounded right now.”
And you're thinking, “He's digging the vibe with my hair right now.”
And he's thinking, “Fuck, do I really need bogroll.”

So in light of all of this, because I'm more freaked out than the other 7 times I have received neurotic emails from my panicked mother about advising me not to buy anything ever again and aliens are going to impregnate our livestock and we're all going to die of The Clap.

...anyway, in light of this – Dad and I are taking buses around Argentina. They're cheap and cheerful...and we'll be on at least two that will run non-stop for 24 hours. Fuck, I need a new iPod battery. We're going to lose our marbles.

Heard about something rather interesting on the Net the other day, speaking of crises in general. In the States, sex offenders are, by federal law, meant to register where exactly they live at all times. For record purposes, and also for obvious reasons of safety.

Where this comes in. Say you're a yank, and you want to buy a house in Mobile, Alabama. And you have 4 kids and a golden retriever. And you want to know whether your kids can roam the streets willy-nilly safely.

Simply go to the Offender Locator website. Fuck. It's scary. You load the map, zoom into your street, and then right click the little animated bodies that pop up.
And there are shitloads.

There you might find a mug shot of a sexual offender (it's hectic), what he did exactly, and his exact address.
It's Maps gone insane, and it's a little hair raising.

For instance, I lived in Crested Butte, Colorado for a while. No sexual fuckfiends there, but go twenty clicks to the right to Gunnison and you'll find a fair few. Manhattan is littered with 'em.

On that fine note, the weather's been nice hasn't it?

21 comments:

harold said...

now i wonder if offender-locater is supposed to make you feel safe (i dont know...safe that you at least know where the retards live* ??!) or clear out neighbourhoods ?

*it got me thinking: maybe the paedos should carry a GPS tracker device at all times while the little munchkins carry paedo-locators that beep loudly/make insane noise/play 50c rap songs when a kiddie snatcher is waiting on the jungle-gym in the field next to his house handing out lollypops ‘cos knowing in which house the sicko** lives isn’t going to stop him from peddling-paedo.

**you know what, just cut it off if they are found guilty and be punished to singing show tunes in a maximum security prison.

Peas on Toast said...

harold - I hear you and we discussed this yesterday as well - if you see a vast number of them in your neighbourhood, you're not going to want to buy property there, no matter what the property looks like.

Then someone said, but what the offender has since reformed, done his time, foudn Jesus etc etc, and now is trying to restart his life as a completely new person? Flying under the radar is impossible and she argued that they should get a fair chance to start over. I didn't agree with it at all, I reckon if you're going to rape someone for instance, this is just one of the many consequences you have to face.

The tracker scenario I think has been considered - didn't Martha Stewart have to wear a tracker when she was on probation to ensure she didn't skip states? I may be wrong though.

Nessers said...

I have to agree with Harold - cut it off tho that does not solve the problem as they then resort to inanimate objects. I think the parents of the children should be allowed to do to the offender what he/she (cos there are females who do it also) did to their child

I'm just saying heheh

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - absolutely. What scares me is that lots of these offenders ARE women, too. It's fucking scary.

Revolving Credit said...

What is your understanding of a sex offender?
You could be one? Read this and then tell me what you think.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev ahahah, always aHEAD of the news hey? ;)
I heard, last night, that oral sex is illegal in Singapore.

Tell me how the fuck they'd know who blew her and when. Without wiring the whole house etc.

icepick said...

Oral sex is only illegal in Singapore if you're a dude but throw like a girl, Fold ya undies Or Bat for the opposition..

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - serious?? So girl on girl is ok then?

icepick said...

Well they refer to it as: No oral or anal "gay" sex. So I assume thats for both?

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - buncha prudes ;)

icepick said...

But dont many singaporeans fancy the whole sex change thing? Or have i got the wrong country.

If it is, what if their bits havnt been constructed completely.. I wonder if one can get a fine for that..

Dude with breasts, dresses up as girl, to make whoopi with some other dude in his nought.

They must have a rather interesting criminal law..

Peas on Toast said...

For sheezy. I think Thailand is the one that's well known for the ladyboy phenomenon though. Chicks without dicks (anymore.) Sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference.

MidniteGem said...

apparently it is extremely easy to get on that list... say you are a guy, you get really drunk one night and while walking home you decide to take a piss against a wall...but there happens to be a child/children that see you in all your naked penis glory...you get arrested for it and suddenly BAM your on the sex offenders list.

Peas on Toast said...

Shit Midnitegem, really? I mean the amounts of times I streaked across vast public open spaces in front of minors makes me nervous. You sure? Cos lots of those people have all done, it seems, some seriosuly terrible stuff.

MidniteGem said...

of course the serious offenders like rapists etc are on there but i know that it is a pretty wide list and includes public nudity and flasher peeps. Well i know that is what the list is like in the UK as well. It is a broad spectrum and it isnt that hard to find yourself charged for a once off thing that forces you onto the list.
Have read a few news articles about it.

Peas on Toast said...

Midnite - hectic. In that respect, for those who have mistakenly dropped their pants in lieu of a school after 8000 beers, that's pretty unlucky. 'Starting over' the loser's complex has never been so bad :(

I wonder if they have a site for Belgium - now THAT must be hectic!

fuzzy logic said...

On a related note - a couple of friends of mine (think you might know them from uni) took buses in Brazil/Argentina/Somewhere around there. My large male friend was lucky enough be seated next to someone who should probably be on that Map - if it extended to South America. Luckily it was only sex offence with himself. Across the bus aisle from my mate, two guys were obviously looking for a contact lens together - for a looong time. And not looking too sheepish about it. Just saying... keep 'em peeled. Your eyes, I mean.

Peas on Toast said...

fuzzy - FUCK, HE WAS WANKING ON THE BUS??
Jeez, really looking forward to my 24 hour bus journey down to Bariloche now. 'Ecxuse me, don't mean to interrupt...but can I get passed....and never come back to my seat...'

icepick said...

whahaha

Ye MidniteGem seems to on to something there...

Even on the locator, the "peter files" each have a colour coded figure next to their name(do a search).
Orange, white, red..
Perhaps thats the warning level.

Psychologically, its paedophilia to think about minors that way, where as criminally, its actually performing of those acts.

but I duno about that pissing on the wall thing tho.. sounds a lil too far.
Prob some public outcry.
Mens urinals comes to mind, which isnt exactly an isolated area to take a leak.

Peas on Toast said...

icepick - Psychologically, its paedophilia to think about minors that way, where as criminally, its actually performing of those acts.
Hang on...I'd probably say it's peadophilia thinking of and performing those acts surely?

As for the coloured coded men - yip I imagine it's probably a danger rating, perhaps how many times they've committed a crime? * shudder *

icepick said...

In the case of a paedophile. I trust that psychologists analyze, based on a patients' tendency to think about minors sexually or in an unconventional manner.?.
It isnt a crime to think that way. However a psychologist could assess them that way.

Keep wif me :)

So, if people are getting caught taking a leak in front of some kids, and being criminally convicted of sexual assault to a minor(or what ever it may be) for it. Then there seems to be no psychological assessment?

Is that what ya mean?