Friday, February 20, 2009

black & decker

At the risk of sounding like Joost van der Westhuizen on coke: thank fuck it’s Friday.

I’m going to a femur party hosted by a dog called Sandton, I’m also going up to the Westcliff for a birthday sundowner, and after the vom episode at 3:00am yesterday, frankly, I could do with some chill time.

Oh, and I’m also on the hunt for a vacuum cleaner. There are few things I find emphatically more shite than shopping at a Dion’s or the likes on a Saturday morning.

Seen the movie and would do anything to get out of actually playing it out. But this fluffy rug of mine needs to be…aired out. At the very very least.

Things I find worse than Mega-Valu-House-Warehouse shopping are:
1) Extreme frostbite where your nose goes black and falls off
2) The guy standing on the corner of Bryanston & Main who has a temper tantrum every time I don’t have rubbish to put in his bag/give him R5. He literally swears at me and stomps off. I’m coming close to losing it and telling him just where to put his bag, and in a colourful manner.


I’m going to make it through this damnation across the hot coals of hell that is shopping at a discount warehouse on a weekend, simply by purchasing the most incredible vacuum guy money can buy.

Monica has orgasms over cleaning gadgets; frankly, so do I.

I’m gonna walk into Game/Makro/Bend-Me-Over-An-Appliance-Stand-Discount-Warehouse, file neatly through families with their over-active spawn, grab a shop assistant who deals solely in Hoovers and tell him to get his groove rad on.

Sweet talk me and sell me the most efficient, dust sucking, unforgivable, wet-and-dry, laser-generated to annihilate terra-nano sized stray particles, motherfarker of a machine.

Because I’ll probably be hungover and even less tolerant of slow people jamming up the aisles with trolleys full of fucking pool noodles.

I’ll need dark shades, 3 painkillers and need to walk out with one hell of a vacuum cleaner.

If, when I’m dashing to the till queue – because there’s always a queue – fuck domestic shopping on a weekend, seriously – is my anxious tone coming across here? I mean, Pick ‘n Pay isn’t something I’ve done since living with another person – but maybe if it’s in sight and direct arms-length proximity, I’ll grab a new bath mat.


I’m just saying – there’s shopping for brand new Fuck Me heels, while stopping for a coffee and people watching from a safe enclave, or reading a book at Exclusive’s, and then there’s The Hi-Fi Corporation in Chatsworth during a month-end sale.

Last weekend I did the former. This weekend, I’m doing the latter, because a vacuum cleaner is always an exciting purchase when you’re going for a big brand, like, Bosch.

Or something.


Monkigirl said...

Dude, just don't go to Makro. Unless you want to take your appliance back again and again. I'm just saying.

And make sure it's Chrome-plated, with spinners!

-Gold digger

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Gold Digger :)
I agree, it's gotta look hot. It's gotta look like a mean appliance with attitude.

I'm starting to think I'll outsource someone to go get this thing for me...:)

Monkigirl said...

I saw a smashing red one at Boardmans the other day. Looked pretty hot.

(I can't believe I'm calling a vacuum cleaner hot)

Peas on Toast said...

Boradmans - why didn't I think of that? Small branches, and one just round the corner from work - perhaps I'll pop in at lunchtime. And in RED!
Thanks Gold Digger :)

Ruby said...

LMAO...Last time I looked, @home had awesome black silhouettes of birds and branches printed on purple curtains too. Reminded me of the fantastic (not sarcastic)decor at a poor version of the Magic Flute I saw in JHB sometime... *uhm-hmm* Getting some for my flat :)

Peas on Toast said...

Ruby - I'm confused - @home has printed curtains or printed vacuum cleaners? If it's the latter then I'm in! I'll even display the thing as part of my decor in the lounge! :)

Ruby said...

lol. Get the curtains to match the Hoover.

Peas on Toast said...

Classic. I wonder if they sell food processors/dust busters/snadwich toasters with the same print...gosh I'm getting excited now :)

Monkigirl said...

Odd that you mention the matching thing. At Boardman's they also have gorgeous red Kettles and toasters to go with the vacuum cleaner. I'd chuck out my perfectly workable kettle for a pretty metallic red one...

Gold digger

Peas on Toast said...

Gold Digger - thing is I have a PEACH of a toaster/kettle set at the moment. Bought it at Decorex last year - it's pastelle minty green, 50s style. LOVE them.

Getting them, through the bun-fighting decor vultures is another story altogether :)

po said...

Hectic I need a good vacuum too. Will you tell me what you get in the end?

Mine just spreads the dirt around at the moment

Peas on Toast said...

Po I'll definitely let you know! We can swap domestic vacuum stories - there's the crackle of excitement in the air! :)

livingladolcevita said...

nothing sucks like elecrolux.

But I digress.

Someone called their dog Sandton?

Peas on Toast said...

Dolce - the Ant adopted a dog originally called Satan. Chaos ensued, through the medium of a seemingly possessed dog who desperately needed a new name.

She chose Sandton because a) her original dog is called Roma (location location location) and b) it seemed the closest thing to Satan they could find at that point. a nutshell :)

3rm said...

girls playing house? i have been gone a while...

Peas on Toast said...

3rm - so stoked I'll be seeing you this weekend punk. It's been, like, 867 years.

Girls playing house, come on, it's ALWAYS been a huge thing. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Remember that night before I went to Greece?

3rm said...

remember? i've still got the video clip. i think i hear facebook calling for it

Peas on Toast said...

3rm - you wouldn't DARE.

I'll get a set of rabid dogs to feast on your danglers while you're sleeping china.


kyknoord said...

If you need a vacuum, I can suggest a few clubs you can take your rug to. Those places have no atmosphere.