Monday, February 23, 2009

slippery linen and blue mondays

The find-the-femur party went as such.

Ant: Let’s make champagne-infused punch.

Peas: Cool. Say, where is the femur?

Ant: I don’t know. But a doctor we know said that according to my picture, it’s a cow femur.

Peas: What a total fucken letdown.

Ant: I’m not convinced. It could be a Nigerian. Those people get big you know.

Peas: A strapping Nigerian? Plausible. Except not.

The Jakkelshond was strangely silent during the whole party.

So I went to buy my vacuum cleaner as promised. I decided I needed a Wet ‘n Dry ensemble, simply for the furry rug’s benefit.

God. Checkers Hyper. In Sandton. Walking through the Home Depot department, behind a very fat man hanging over his trolley walking at 0.05 miles/hour, wedging me impatiently between them and a fake leather couch suite.

That small pinging noise in your brain starts banging away, while you imagine the scene: You crack, rip open the fake leather couch and scarem, ‘JUST WALK FUCKING FASTER OR STAND ASIDE YOU IMPERTINENT BASTARD’

Anyway, Wet ‘n Dry’s aren’t very posh looking, It’s a godawful great green machine that took me fucking forever to assemble.

You had to stick the little pipes into the water nozzle trigger, and with directions like these, Goethe would’ve thrown his hands up in surrender and called the fucken Rug Doctor. Hate manuels on any given day, but this was extra special:

Fig 9.7a: The tubing attached to the shampoo nozzle adaptor (19) and flow control unit (18) can be secured to the suction regulator (23) and extension tubes (17) with tha aid of the hose clamps (2). Ensure the primary hood assembly (11) is attached to the castors (78).

Castors are the wheels. Why do they have to be so verbose? The last I checked, intelligent people used the word ‘wheels’ and not ‘castors’ in their phD theses.

God. Do me a bloody favour.

This is why you call the dude in the Yellow Pages who owns a carpet shampooing business. And then you buy a cute, fashionable vacuum.

But no. I vacuumed everything for good measure – even my mosquito net. Don’t know whether I’ll use this unnecessarily complex machine again.

Poen came over for some wine and a chinwag, and suggested, ‘Why don’t you rent it our to all your mates? For a small fee? You'll make it all back in no time!'

I’ve seen this movie before. Except it was a piano; and I couldn't hire it out.

After that we went through to Giles for a little farewell party and rugby. Haven’t been social for a while, and had to laugh at a bunch of Rhodes boys screaming ‘Come you cum stain!’ at the failing Lions team.

Did make me run home though, to my new and incredible linen. Oh yes. 200 PLUS threadcount ski-white sheets and the ‘Moulin Rouge’ collection - satin, dark violet duvet set.
Sleeping like a starfish in a bed of luxury satin and cotton percaleisn’t anything to scoff at. And if I don’t feel like a queen.
My bed dressings have usually been very boring and functional. Now, this winter, I’m going for the decadent look and feel.

Another thing I finally did was join the CouchSurfing network. Was chatting to the German yesterday who reminded me about this (all us Rio lot are still very much in contact – it’s great), and so I uploaded my profile.

It’s wonderschon. You even upload a picture of your couch. There are a whole catalogue of couches of the world out there. Imagine – you could like the look of Jimmy Pickle from Bratislava, and then it turns out he has a pull out couch that looks like it’s been vomited on.

It’s an interactive travel network, like, but better.


The Blonde Blogshell said...

Nothing better than good sheets! Lovely.

As for that! Cow my ass!!

Bloody head is already quite pressurized from being a little under the weather but that vacuum installation process nearly...nearly made it explode!

Peas on Toast said...

Blondie - In no uncertain terms do I suggest a Wet 'n Dry.

It's why people phone the rug doctor and pay hourly rates :)

Revolving Credit said...

Your Wet 'n Dy sounds like an over grown sex toy?
Anything that has a suction regulator can't be all bad??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - it's a monstrous looking thing that has far too many tubes and shampoo nozzles that is comfortable.

However - my rug is now the sparkling sensation it used to be...;)

Revolving Credit said...

So, does you rug look ..umm...satisfied??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - he's glowing. :)

Revolving Credit said...

You know what you've started, right?

Now your rug will be going..'Come on, lets get dirty..spill something on me..I know you wantt to'

Peas on Toast said...

hahah, I've created a monster.

Hot romantic nights will include red wine spillage on said rug, then the assembling of the green machine and lapping it all up.

Aren't you jealous? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like the Monster and the Rug are going to cuddle...they may want you to leave, to give them a bit of quiet may get jealous!

Peas on Toast said...

Hey I was the one asking about threesomes the other day wasn't I.

Keeeeding. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

You, your rug and your that's a 3some?

Hey, whatever floats your boat...or dare I say, whatever sucks your rug!

Peas on Toast said...

hahahahahaha ;)

Revolving Credit said...

On that note, I wouldn't rent it out to friends...that would qualify as pimping!

Anonymous said...

"...then rover bent over and gave her a bone of his own..."

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I thought you were all for Revvie?

Dolce - see? It's poetry!