Monday, February 09, 2009


Beautiful wedding. Set in expansive vineyards, shadowed by mountains, and a wonderful couple - the bride looked absolutely incredible.

Problem was the sheer, crazy heat man. No honestly, Stellenbosch is in direct parallel with Hell, temperature-wise.

Jeez Darryl, I was sweating.

So much, I started to hallucinate and dropped a c-bomb in front of a group of older people. (The whole talking-to-oneself outbursts don’t stop at weddings).
Everyone was melting.

See, there’s heat right. Then there’s the fiery blazes of hell.

The kind of heat where two metres in front of you looks like a mirage.
Where you’re worried when you get off your seat, you have two perfectly formed ass-shaped lakes.
Where there’s a sweaty crazy funk going on in your belly button.
Where you wonder if you’ll ever make it to the dancefloor to cut some shapes, but the clawing across the floor will take all your energy once and for all.

So, yes, it was hot.

Dry, baking heat that makes me relieved I was never a student in Stellenbosch. Hell’s tits.

Luckily the heavens opened and dumped a load of water on everything, because the heat was apparently partly due to a whole bunch of raging veld fires going on around us.

It was festive, up until I put my wine glass down on the table a little too confidently, and it broke, driving the stem right into my finger.

When, after one or two, or maybe 4 glasses of wine, the concept of free-flowing blood exiting from your finger is almost quite fascinating.
I just kept on staring at it in complete disbelief until someone jammed it into a bowl of ice and wrapped a napkin around it.
And then grooved around like Edward Scissor Hands, except minus scissors plus towel, wrapped around the offended finger.

All in all, the wedding itself was a goodie.

Flew in and out of Lanseria. FYI, I’ll probably never fly internally from OR Tambo again. I was a Lanseria virgin, and now I’ll never go back. Once you’ve had Lanseria, you’re a-gonna. It’s the first time I’ve ever been so satisfied by something so small. And the first time I’ve been impressed with something that takes less than twenty minutes. That’s efficiency, and frankly, I’m in.

Hell, you can have breakfast on the deck while watching planes fanny about on the runway.

You park; you fly. I’m just saying: Lanseria.
You even get to take a country drive on the way home.


tyrone said...

So weddings being the amorous affairs that they are (for some reason they seem to get hormones a-raging), did you come right?

tyrone said...

And why do they have that effect on people? Girls particularly...

And I say that coz boys are generally amorous and don't need any motivation. It's when they're not that we know something is up.

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - hahaha. Well you know that awesome little ritual where all the single, hungry girls gather for to catch the bouquet?

I stood out of it. :)

I had fun though :)

tyrone said...

Ha ha... I stand out of those things all the time. Not because I don't want to come right, but because I want to come right on the night, not for ever after! :-)

Glad you had fun. You probably needed it!

That's another thing about weddings, everyone seems to just be able to have a JOL! It's like people forget their inhibitions and attitudes for a while...

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - hahaha - I dunno it just seems a little...desperate? To me.
I'd rather remain the...mysterious wino in the corner ;)

But you're right, everyone seems to have a proper jol, love is in the air, everyone looks hot, and there's a DJ. What more could you ask for?

tyrone said...

Don't forget the COPIOUS amounts of alcohol... :-)

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - usually definitely. However I sweated out half my body weight in fluids at this guy, so getting drunk was a serious challenge. :(

tyrone said...

Did you try properly though?



Lots of wine?

Peas on Toast said...

tyrone - was a very sensible tart this time round and avoided tequilas and was too hot to crawl to the bar - the effort to consumer ratio was too great...

But I did have enough wine :)

Mini said...

Shit and I was hoping the groom forgot the ring or the bride ran off with the best man or maybe Aunty Peas got drunk and started flirting with some mysterious lad?

Peas on Toast said...

Mini - haha Peas did get drunk and flirt with a msyetrious man, but that's hardly chaos fodder right? ;)

Oh...the food was very nice :)

Anonymous said...

And you don't come and visit? *sigh*...

PS reading the book. Funny stuff lady.

Peas on Toast said...

Dloce - haha. I was in and out for 24 hours. ;)
Glad you're having a giggle with ze book :)

kyknoord said...

I reckon it's the triumph of marketing over independent thought, 'cos Wilkinson Sword make killer blades.
P.S. What Dolce said. I'm afraid "in and out" just doesn't cut it. There will be consequences.

icepick said...

ye we desperate for a visual u know. oh and book signage.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Wilkinson Sword - that DOES sound very manly, innit?
Literally Kyk - it was 22 hours in Stellenbosch and 2 hours in total at the airport. I promise :)

icepick - I'll be done in the Mutha City again and would be honoured to sign your copy! :)

The Spear said...

So it is confirmed. I'm the Spawn of Hell. The Spawn of Stellenbosch.


Anonymous said...

oooh, I don't know. In and out. In and out. In and out. Repeat still replete.